Heartbroken - LONG post

[Angeltk42]

Oh my goodness huge hugs!!! I couldn't imagine going through this while so far along in a pregnancy. I hope you don't make any decisions for yourself till after the baby is here and your emotions are more sorted out. It's so easy for us not in your position to say stay or go but ultimately it's your decision and yours alone. But remember do what is best for you first and then your lo's. Because wanting to stay with him because of the lo's is not the right example or reason. Please stay safe emotionally because this kind of stress could be so bad for you and the baby. I pray everything will be ok for you.

 

[letdoit]

I am really sorry hun you are going thru this during pregnancy. All I can say is that you have to make a decision either way.

I am have been in the same situation where my ex treated my like sh....
I kept on hoping that things will be better and he lived in my house ( more like a lodger cos he was not doing anything.). One day I came back from work and he had packed all his belonging and left without saying goodbye to me and my 16 yr old daughter. My daughter was so devastated when she got home......as you can imagine.


So, my dear, all I can say that as hard as it is you have to come into a decision sooner rather than dragging the matter cos you might make the situation worse for yourself. I am also immigrant ( all my family is abroad), have 1 teenage daughter and expecting the 2nd baby in Dec. So, you need to be strog and you can do it on your own.......but it is entirely your decision. I am sending you my hugggsss

 

[mummysarah]

.

 

[ForeverAutumn]

Im so sorry to read your post. i couldnt read and run

I dont think there is a more difficult, helpless or humiliating situation for a woman to be in

Im sure that ladies on here will be able to give better advice. I don't think there is alot you can do at this stage- this is something going on in his head where he has to make the final decision. If he leaves his wife at such a delicate stage he is a despicable man. I hope he sees sense.

It could be that shes some sort of 'escape' from the realities and responsibilities of his life. A silly phase.

Keep us updated, I'll be thinking about you

In the meantime, try to keep strong. Easier said than done I know but your health is the most important thing right now. Look after yourself and your little son while you wait for him to decide what the heck hes doing.

Lots of hugs

P.s- I thought id add. Someone said on here 'once a cheater always a cheater. Well I beg to differ. i cheated on my ex because I was unhappy, but its never crossed my mind to do it again, because Im happy with hubs. Its positive that hes identified a problem and is trying to do something about it. I hope you both come through it at the end. I wouldnt be quick to let him go just yet- but at the same time wouldnt be begging him to stay.

 

[Momto4monkeys]

I am so sad for you. But I'm going to very blunt with you.
Here's what you need to do hon.....take a few days, be sad, cry, get angry, and then start planning the rest of your life without him.
I am all for keeping families together, but in my opinion you've already given him enough chances to turn things around. It's not working otherwise you wouldn't have posted this.

Is this really the way you want the rest of your life to be like? Checking up on him? Worrying? Not trusting? Is this really the type of man you want to live with? To have as a male role model for your children?

Like I said...take a few days to grieve about this, and then think about yourself and your kids and what YOU want out of YOUR life. Don't worry about the kiddos, they adapt very well and as the saying goes it's better to be from a broken home than to live in one.

With all that said....I know it's incredibly difficult. I was told MANY times by MANY people to leave my ex. We split a few times and I was always suckered back only to be left heartbroken time after time. It wasn't until *I* had TRULY had enough and realized my own self worth that I kicked him to the curb for the final time. And my god, it was the best thing I ever did for myself, and yes, for my kids. (Only one of my kids was his bio child, but the rest looked up to him. He was an alcoholic, a big time flirt, borderline abusive and a total liar. NOT the type of man I wanted my children to look up to)
So....when you've truly had enough of his behaviour and cheating you will be not only ready to go at this parenting thing on your own, but you will enjoy it, you will thrive in it because you will be SO MUCH HAPPIER.
I promise you, things will be ok honey.

 

[craftymama]

Oh hon... I'm sooo sorry..

I too don't know what YOU should do. I know if it were me, I FEEL like I would ask him to leave while he sorts it out. I'm not sure that I would give him another chance in the first place. Trust is a hard thing to get back. I can't imagine living a life where I always felt this need to be checking up on him and worrying if he might be seeing someone else. That said, you obviously want to make it work, and you have every right to want that. But as a PP said, sometimes we don't know what we have until it's gone, and maybe he needs to feel like he's lost you to realize what he has. If it causes him to go running to her and not even give himself time to work out his feelings for you and you lose him completely- well truthfully then he wasn't really yours anymore. I don't mean that to sound cold. I really hope it works out for you, and that you and your husband are able to work things out. My heart breaks for you..I can't even imagine how hard this is...

 

[Srrme]

If it were me, I would let him go.

 

[Dream.dream]

I'm so sorry that's a hard situation.

I think you have given him enough chances and you should wait around for him to choose you or not, it will damage your self esteem and only make your relationship harder in the end

He can't decide to commit to you or this other girl so make the choice for hom, take a few days to be sad and after that just move on and focus on your kids .

Big hugs and good luck

 

[geordiemammy]

Firstly I'm so sorry your going through this secondly what a DICK he is and what kind of woman is she messing around with a man who is one married and 2 has a pregnant wife!!!!!
I split with my 4 children's father when I was pregnant with number 4 my kids were 7 4 and 3 it was my choice as I found out he had slept with a neighbour he never admitted it but I know what went on we tried to work through it when I found out I was pregnant I was devastated but by 30 weeks id had my fill of his bull shit and by this point we weren't living together he has been a dick for years if I'm honest and I thought wtf am I going to do with 4 kids alone of course he tried the no one will have you shit but I just thought I'd rather be alone and just get on with it than be with such a fucking prick anyway that was over 4 years ago I spent a couple of years alone and to be honest wasn't short of offers but I didn't want to commit again my kids had to come first I had spent 9 years of my life with him and all it had done was ruin me YOU will be ok on your own with 2 kids as women just get on with it and if you struggle I'm sure some friends will help out my kids don't see their dad now haven't done for 3 years his choice eventually I met someone else I again didn't want to commit but he chased me til I relented and 2 years on we are having this baby it hasn't been easy by any means due to the fact that I have 4 already but it's been totally worth it and he is a much better man than my ex!!!

I know you will be worried about how you will cope I was too but is women always step up to the mark cause that's just what we do don't live your life having to wonder what he is doing and waiting to catch him doing it again you will be fine by yourself trust me and don't let him walk all over you its not his decision anymore its yours you tell him how its going to be YOUR a strong woman who will get through anything just kick him out with conditions of him having contact and paying maintenance for both children don't be the victim show him you don't need him I realise this is easier said than done but you take the power back he is the one in the wrong not you xxx

 

[Hopeful1479]

I am sorry you are going through this, no one needs that kind of stress no matter any situation... You gave more chances than I would and with the trust gone I don't think in my own opinion that it could be a successful relationship now or in the near future. Let him walk away and sort out his life out of your house, he should not torture you by staying under your roof to "figure" out which woman he wants to be with. And it will be better for you, do you want to spend days and nights wondering what he is doing or if he is talking to her, I am sure its been hell. You have a child and a new baby to focus on, this might be the blessing you have been waiting for. I wish you the best...

 

[george83]

I'm so sorry your going through this massive hugs. I know every situation is different but when I was pregnant last time my husband cheated on me too pretty much from as soon as I fell pregnant. It turns out she was sort of his drug dealer and he claims he was only with her to get drugs. Even so he treated me like rubbish saying horrible things and not coming home from work for weeks on end and eventually not coming home when I was having our son. Having said all that we're still together and I'm 26 weeks pregnant with our second but I don't think we're happy anymore - and I've never admitted that to anybody - I think being pregnant again has made me realise how awful he made me feel last time. In the last couple of days he's been to court and had a tag fitted so he has to stay at home pretty much all the time. I've never been so ashamed that when I go to hospital to have my precious baby the doctor has to sign his police forms to say that we genuinely are in hospital.

Sorry slightly side tracked, my point is what you might want now may not be best for the long run. Obviously I'm pleased I've got my second baby on the way but at times I just wished we'd finished then. Nobody can tell you what to do but we're all here to support you no matter what

 

[Misscalais]

A leopard doesn't change it's spots honey.
Let him go, he's not worth your time. I believe in 2nd chances and you gave him that which he abused. He's not going to change, save yourself the heart ache and boot his cheating arse out.

 

[ciaramoy]

Ok well BnB decided I wasn't allowed more than 1 account so I guess I'm not anon anymore

Thank you all so much for your replies...they really did help. As much as it is good to talk to my friends it was really good to hear other peoples opinions, people not involved or friends with us both!
It made me stronger also, not sure how but it gave me the courage to start thinking about myself and putting me and my lo's first.

I told him that I needed him to leave and have given him a couple of days. I'm not saying it's completely over but I'm done being treated like a doormat while he makes his choice!

It's still unbelievably hard to take and I wish more than anything in the world I could go back a yr and try and fix all this before it happened it hurts so much and I'm not sure how it's all going to go. I'm terrified of being on my own but I know at the end of the day I can do it.

I know some of you suggested going home to family but we love it here and he would never agree to move back anyway. If there is one thing he does well it's being a dad so I wouldn't deny my son that.

Thanks also to the lady who gave me the view from the other side-I'm glad it all worked out for you and your oh. I haven't given up hope that it will happen for me but right now it seems quite unlikely.

Thanks again for all the support ladies, I will keep you updated x

 

[Heramys]

Ok well BnB decided I wasn't allowed more than 1 account so I guess I'm not anon anymore

Thank you all so much for your replies...they really did help. As much as it is good to talk to my friends it was really good to hear other peoples opinions, people not involved or friends with us both!
It made me stronger also, not sure how but it gave me the courage to start thinking about myself and putting me and my lo's first.

I told him that I needed him to leave and have given him a couple of days. I'm not saying it's completely over but I'm done being treated like a doormat while he makes his choice!

It's still unbelievably hard to take and I wish more than anything in the world I could go back a yr and try and fix all this before it happened it hurts so much and I'm not sure how it's all going to go. I'm terrified of being on my own but I know at the end of the day I can do it.

I know some of you suggested going home to family but we love it here and he would never agree to move back anyway. If there is one thing he does well it's being a dad so I wouldn't deny my son that.

Thanks also to the lady who gave me the view from the other side-I'm glad it all worked out for you and your oh. I haven't given up hope that it will happen for me but right now it seems quite unlikely.

Thanks again for all the support ladies, I will keep you updated x

I'm so glad you made that decision as I've had a few friends in almost the same situation and let their OH stay around to make up his mind. That only ended up them taking advantage and treated their former joint homes as a hotel. Very practical as he didn't have to hurry finding a place to live, still sharing costs, and to be able to come and go as he pleased. All the while they (my friends) sat around wondering, hoping and suffered for a year in one case and almost two another. That prolonged the healing process for them with the same amount of time.

I was only dating a lying son of a **** but it still hurt to being lied to and to end something you have had high hopes for.

Well done you and I wish you the very best. You'll get through this and will be stronger after you get out on the other side of the tunnel.

Super big hugs to you!
xx

 

[geordiemammy]

Ok well BnB decided I wasn't allowed more than 1 account so I guess I'm not anon anymore

Thank you all so much for your replies...they really did help. As much as it is good to talk to my friends it was really good to hear other peoples opinions, people not involved or friends with us both!
It made me stronger also, not sure how but it gave me the courage to start thinking about myself and putting me and my lo's first.

I told him that I needed him to leave and have given him a couple of days. I'm not saying it's completely over but I'm done being treated like a doormat while he makes his choice!

It's still unbelievably hard to take and I wish more than anything in the world I could go back a yr and try and fix all this before it happened it hurts so much and I'm not sure how it's all going to go. I'm terrified of being on my own but I know at the end of the day I can do it.

I know some of you suggested going home to family but we love it here and he would never agree to move back anyway. If there is one thing he does well it's being a dad so I wouldn't deny my son that.

Thanks also to the lady who gave me the view from the other side-I'm glad it all worked out for you and your oh. I haven't given up hope that it will happen for me but right now it seems quite unlikely.

Thanks again for all the support ladies, I will keep you updated x

Good luck with whatever happens but you will totally do it alone if you have to like I said in a previous post we are made of strong stuff us women we can do anything and believe it or not sometimes its easier doing it alone xx

 

[MBGibbs]

Oh dear lord, you poor woman! Dont you dare feel guilty about the wine or eggs - I'm surprised you havent gone with anything harder! I don't know how you are managing to cope. The thing to remember, an upset and needy woman who is dependant on him isn't attractive, so I'd say if you want him back in the long term, kick him out for now, spoil yourself once your little one is in bed, and do what us women do that men can't; pull it together no matter what, and be strong. He will see thy you can survive on your own and this will panic him. At the end of the day, an affair is an affair, in the long term it is never more attractive than a real family. He WILL realise what he lost.
But for now, he's got to go. Don't let him be in limbo in your space!
Xxx

 

[jazzandru]

If you end up going it alone, you will be fine. My fiance finished with me 4 days after I told him I was pregnant. The last thing I wanted was to be a single parent. My baby is due just before Xmas and although at the time it seemed the end of the world, I am making the best of it. I can raise her how I want, the house stays as I left it when I'm out and I have made an effort to be closer to my friends. It will all work out ok in the end.xxx

 

[ocean_dew]

I am truly sorry for your pain....

What I want to say is this: As long as you two are still alive, there is hope for a successful relationship. No one is perfect but there are certainly limits and standards when it comes to behaviour and he is behaving very poorly. All situations are unique. You need to take care of yourself and your babies. Let him have space for now, give him all the freedom he wants away from you and communicate to him without spite or manipulation (its hard). This will help you in the long run - in so many ways. Take the high road, it will be unexpected. Work on improving your own life, get out and grow as a person. These things will empower you and be the best form of "revenge".

Someone else commented on how you should let his mistress have him - no matter who she is, he wont seem like such a forbidden catch anymore, not since his wife let him go and is dealing with the separation with class despite being a betrayed spouse with one small child and a baby soon on its way.

Whether or not things work out between you two, look after yourself and figure out your legal rights too. I hope everything works out. Good luck xxxxxxxxx

 

[Kirstymum005]

Big hugs to you. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. There has been great advice on here, and I don't have much all to add. Only you will know what to do and what feels right. There is never a good time for being cheated on, but pregnancy would be one of the worst times. Perhaps you can try not to disrupt too much until after you have given birth, in the mean time you can use this period as a time out kind of thing, to let you both think things through. We are here for you if you need to vent. Better to let it out than bottle it all up.

 

[lotuspetals]

My god, hun, I am so sorry that you are going through this, especially now. The only thing I know (since I can see this objectively) is that I highly doubt things could go back to a new ”normal” for you two, especially since he's rejected you in such a way, saying he's not ”in love” with you anymore. Between that, the lying, lack of communication, and emotional affair he's having with someone else, I would work on cutting my emotional ties with him. The only way that can be done is if he's out of the house.

If there are any friends or family that can help you out at home, I wouldn't shy away from asking for that help. You need support more than ever now.

I'm so sorry, sweetie. Know that this,too, shall pass. You will get through it and come out on the other side a much stronger woman.