help me with discipline

[maybebaby3]

to cut a long story short, the last couple of years have been very stressful for a number of reasons. i think the kids have picked up on the stress DH and i have been going through. we have argued a lot. dylan and erin are really violent towards each other, they hit and punch each other and shout all the time. i cant help but think that it is our fault for always being angry with each other (though there is no physical violence involved with me and DH) i feel that i am constantly shouting at the kids and their behaviour at times is awful. help me!!! i dont want owen to start going down that path now he's getting older

 

[maybebaby3]

anyone?

 

[Racheldigger]

This may seem a bit over the head of what you're asking, and possibly a bit cheeky too, but have you considered going to Relate or some other form of relationship counselling? It seems from what you say that your children's bad behaviour may be brought on by seeing you and your OH quarrelling, either because they're upset by it or because they think that that's the normal way in which people relate to each other, and if that's so, then disciplining them isn't going to solve the problem. It's like having dandelions in your garden: you can snap the plants off as often as you like, and this will have some superficial effect, but the only thing that will solve the problem is digging up the roots, slowly and effortfully.

 

[maybebaby3]

we had a chat the other day and things between us are better. he's stressed at work and i guess he sees me as being on maternity leave as going swanning around town and drinking coffee all day!!! hopefully things will stay on an up as he doesnt believe in counselling but talking things through ourselves. i am trying to be more calm.

 

[mightyspu]

I think you need to be clear about what is not acceptable behaviour. Draw up a poster which has some house rules on it, No hitting, No shouting, or whatever the problems are. Sit the kids down and explain that these are rules for everybody and they need to be followed.

Maybe introduce a star chart for GOOD behaviour to draw attention towards that, asking nicely, sharing etc?

 

[PepsiChic]

Have you thought about using a time-out method of discipline?

I agree with the house rules, somewhere the children can see them, maybe do some role-playing games with your husband infront of the children where you deal with violence and why its bad (because it hurts other people) etc. and role-play other ways of dealing with a problem

for example role play a situation where you are Erin and DH is Dylan and DH takes your favourite toy while your playing with it, ask the kids what they think should be done, should Erin hit dylan or scream and shout at dylan for it? no, erin should ask dylan to please share and take turns in using the toy, and you could then role play that out, and if "dylan doesnt share what should erin do now?" - talk to mummy or daddy about it.

 

[mightyspu]

^^ ooh I like that idea!

 

[Cattia]

No real ideas I am afraid; but just wanted to say that whilst you obviously want to tackle the situation, I wouldn't feel too responsible for it, my brother and I were just like this and my patens never argued in front or us, also lots of my friends who have older kids experience lots of righting between the siblings so I think your two are quite normal! Hope you get some good ideas here about how to solve it.

 

[maybebaby3]

cattia - i hope they dont carry on like this to adulthood

mighty - i think i am going to sit down with them tomorrow and do the house rules poster.

pepsi - i have tried time out but i think it's not worked as i haven't been consistent. i will try it again when i've drawn up the house rules.

 

[Cattia]

Lol no don't worry my brother and I are really close now! I think we stopped fighting by the time we were in secondary school and people used to comment on how well we got on! I think a lot of the fighting is about power struggles between siblings. We were always scrapping. My dad used to smack us or send us to our rooms!

 

[mightyspu]

Good luck! Stick to your guns and I hope it all works out for you. X

 

[maybebaby3]

cattia they have a very love hate relationship. they fight but then if i'm out with dylan and get him something he always says 'and one for erin' and vice versa when i'm with her. when one of them is at an activity and we go to pick them up they go running to each other for a hug! so at least i know the love is there even if it is burried under there

 

[maybebaby3]

mighty i will! will keep you posted with the results!!!

 

[PepsiChic]

cattia - i hope they dont carry on like this to adulthood

mighty - i think i am going to sit down with them tomorrow and do the house rules poster.

pepsi - i have tried time out but i think it's not worked as i haven't been consistent. i will try it again when i've drawn up the house rules.

good luck hun!

also with the house rules poster...get them to help! ask them what rules they should have, make one like "no hitting" and see what else they come up with, even let them draw a picture of themselves on the side of it or something so they feel part of it!

 

[maybebaby3]

yep will do! dylan stayed at my mum's last night but will get to it when he comes back later!