Hey ladies.. Advice on how to communicate with my husband?

[linzerr]

Hey guys, I'm new here. DH and I had a big "scare" last month, even though it wasn't really a scare at all. I could have sworn I saw a very faint second line on a HPT, then I started my period the next day. Never went to the doctor because if it had been an early MC, I would have just been upset and there's not much they could have done anyway so I decided to let it go.

But anyway, my husband and I are very excited to be parents, although he wants to wait a few years, and I would be very happy to get pregnant right away.

I told him I didn't want to be on birth control anymore- after all, we are married and I needed a break from the hormones anyway. He said that was fine, and we talked about using condoms or other methods and we both agreed that I would just tell him when I'm ovulating and he'd pull out for the first few days and after ovulation.

But the problem is, I'm not really 100 percent sure when I ovulate, and I feel a little dishonest. I just go by the standard 14 day rule, when I know full well that there's a big chance I don't actually ovulate then. He obviously knows how it all works, but not to the extent that us women do. He trusts me when I say it's okay and not to worry about it, when in reality, I MAY have ovulated.. But I don't use OPK's and I'm never sure when I'm ovulating.

Should I be more honest with him? I mean in my own defense, he knows that anytime he doesn't pull out the risk of me getting pregnant increases- he knows sperm live for a few days and everything. But I kind of just want it to happen.. Like, if it's meant to be it'll be, which is why I'm just going with the 14 day rule thing. If this is true, I should have ovulated about 3 days ago, but today I have sore breasts and cramping, and had a tiny bit of egg white discharge, and felt guilty for not telling him that I maybe made a miscalculation and could be ovulating today. I guess it's too late now since we did it already today, haha. But does anyone see my point? What do you think I should do? We'd both be very excited to be pregnant, but I know ideally he would like to wait to be a father. I'm kinda in a bind, what do you think?

 

[meandmrb2011]

Hi there !!

I kind of get where you are coming from ! Before my dh left for Korea we kind of left it up to nature i had just come off of the Depo Provera and my cycles were still non-existent ! I had never been more desperate for a period to appear!! Anyway i had said well it really isn't likely that we will get pregnant I'm not having my periods .... So he happily carried on doing what husbands do I guess i knew there was chance we could catch that first little eggy but it kind of failed me to mention at first .... However i did bring it up and we still decided to let nature take it's course !!

I am going to see him in a few weeks time and we have been "umming & ahhing" about whether to take precautions or see what nature does !! My cycle returned beginning of December and i have had a ;

11day
9day
10day
24day
24day

So ....... like you i have ZERO idea when i am fertile OR when i ovulate ?!?!

I hope you get it all organised soon and know where you are in your cycle and good luck if you get your BFP , keep me updated

 

[rquanborough]

This is a very difficult area. Whilst I appreciate that you are ready to have a baby and want one as soon as possible surely a marriage is based on honesty and trust. I think that you should be upfront and honest that you are not entirely sure when you are ovulating and have been working on it being 14 days before AF is due to start. Stress and other things can also affect your ovulation day as well so it is a complicated business if you are not seriously monitoring it.

 

[christinajump]

I kinda understand where you're coming from. DH and I have taken a ntnp approach to it, he'd be fine with waiting but he understands that I'm ready now. So we choose to let nature take its course.

I think honesty is important. Although DH is fine with having a kiddo now, he'd be unbelievably upset if I had gone about it behind his back.

Maybe if you really go over this with your hubby you can reach an open decision on what to do. Being dishonest in any way, especially about something this big and life changing, can possibly cause some issues in y'alls relationship.

 

[hilljm313]

Stopping birth control and giving yourself plausible deniability in regards to ovulation are all ways of getting around having to be honest with him about how YOU feel about waiting for the baby. This is something I go through with my SO. He doesn't want to try for a baby and I can't be on birth control because the Pill gives me seizures. So we use the withdrawal method (have been for 1.5 years) and he just accepts the risks I guess. There are times that I know I'm ovulating and I don't disclose it to him. I used to feel guilty about not speaking up so I had a conversation with him that kind of went along the lines of:

"If you're going to have unprotected sex with me and 'pull-and-pray', you need to acknowledge right now that this is not trustworthy BC and every time you use this as birth control you are accepting that we could get pregnant"

...but what I didn't say was, "There are times I wish you'd make a mistake"...

That would have been being honest.

 

[Miaw]

I hate that it is always the one who wants to wait that ''wins'' (for lack of a better word) He should try and understand your need to be a mom now, and compromise. Maybe he is just scared? What are his reasons for waiting a few years?
You should definitely talk to him though, I know I would because I would feel dishonest, but not everyone may be like me. It is not like you are deliberately lying to him, you're just not sure, and you are hoping to become a mommy.

There is also the fact that men can conceive anytime during their lives, so unlike us, they don't have any kind of biological clock inside them that tells them it's time to have a baby. Maybe you can try to explain that to him?

 

[linzerr]

Thank you guys for your replies, I'm sorry it took so long. I actually think I may have gotten a BFP today, and when I told him about it he didn't seem upset, or worried for that matter. He definitely knows the risks, and stopped asking me if it was 'safe' or if he should pull out. But if it wasn't my BFP, I'm definitely going to communicate with him. He wants to wait because he wants to be more financially stable, which I understand. But at the same time, I just know we'd be okay. He's in the military right now and he wants to get out, but if I get pregnant he will re-enlist and doesn't really want to do that. But I know, because he's said this before, that he does want to be a dad. If it happens, that would be great but he ideally would like to wait.

 

[meandmrb2011]

Thank you guys for your replies, I'm sorry it took so long. I actually think I may have gotten a BFP today, and when I told him about it he didn't seem upset, or worried for that matter. He definitely knows the risks, and stopped asking me if it was 'safe' or if he should pull out. But if it wasn't my BFP, I'm definitely going to communicate with him. He wants to wait because he wants to be more financially stable, which I understand. But at the same time, I just know we'd be okay. He's in the military right now and he wants to get out, but if I get pregnant he will re-enlist and doesn't really want to do that. But I know, because he's said this before, that he does want to be a dad. If it happens, that would be great but he ideally would like to wait.

Hey any updates on that BFP xxx