Home Birthers & Hopefuls!

[chuck]

I know I've got to try, I haven't looked for a HB group to be honest after how much he complained about the antenatal sessions we tried last time lol (but they were awful).

He's ok with the idea of HB although I do think he would be more comfortable if I were going to hospital - to him the Dr's know best and bow to their wisdom. So at least I dont have to fight him on that its the emotional side of things he hasn't got a clue about he really doesn't seem to see that it's important for me to go through this as best I can and not just get through it.

In light of the CS comment I think he's worried that we'll go through the same again, a long labour and EMCS and me in tears for months.

To be honest I'm scared of that, it'll break me if that happens, I remained functional through everything last time and got through the PND without needing meds as I've been there before Depression wise and know how to get through it. But to do it again I dont know if could cope with a newborn, 1 year old by myself if hubby proves as helpful as he was last time.

We barely spoke after that last night and this morning. We're going to Brighton this weekend and his mam is watching Dewi - we're off to a tattoo convention so we'll have no chance to speak over the weekend - he'll be too busy drinking and getting tattooed (HUFF I had plans then got pg LOL).

 

[snagglepat]

I just had a cheeky idea Chuck. Tell him it's fine not to have a pool, but you intend to get a new bathroom put in in the next 15 weeks so you can have a nice, deep corner bath suitable for birthing in... If it helps, I laboured in water with DD (which you could do in the bath) but actually gave birth on dry land. I loved it and once I got to pushing I didn't mind or even particularly want to get back into the water again. I've been at many beautiful home births not in water. It's really not an essential part of the process. I was in two minds about having one myself this time until my midwife offered to lend me one for free.

On the doula front, if he's not being convinced about the cost you could contact the Doula UK hardship fund co-ordinator (details here: https://www.doula.org.uk/content/hardship-fund ), tell her about your situation and see if it would be possible for you to get a doula through that. You really could do with an advocate and there are some excellent doulas out there who have turned birth partners around by being an impartial voice providing information. (And there are lots of great doulas in Kent - it's where one of the main Doula training organisations is based.) In the case of the Dad I mentioned above I was actually employed by the Mum because she wanted a home birth and he was really unsure and not very supportive. Now he's the biggest home birth fan you can imagine and has sworn he never wants his babies born anywhere else.

Alternatively, do you have a friend/sister who would be willing to be your birth partner? Or, do you have a local friend/family who might be willing to have you birth in their home? I had a client who gave birth at her Mum's house because she was having building work done at hers and although it wasn't her home it was still a beautiful home birth. I've offered my home as a birth place to a friend before now when her circumstances weren't great, though it didn't happen here in the end.

There are still lots of options here. It's horrible, in so many ways that he can't be supportive, understand - at least a little - where you're coming from and be willing to educate himself. You need to do whatever you need to do to get through that, but however things pan out with him and his involvement in this birth you can still have the birth you want. It may take a bit more planning, but you will get there.

Sending big hugs from here,

Gina. x

PS. I'd over-eaten last night. No hint of baby. Only four days to go until I beat my Mum's record...

 

[PeanutBean]

chuck. I think you must know how hearing this makes me feel but I'm not in the habit of commenting on others' OHs especially those whom I don't know. Focusing on you it sounds to me like you feel very much the same as me about your last birth. Have you thought about having a debrief with your consultant mw? It doesn't have to be complainy like mine will be but it might help you come to terms with what happened and feel stronger in yourself which will naturally help everything in turn. My DH's approach is that he would do anything to prevent my being so unhappy for so long so he is reading books and studying up on rights and procedures so he can take over that role if I'm out of it. As your OH is taking a different approach (I suspect because he is afraid for you) I think the doula is probably the way forward.

Is your mw supportive of the homebirth? Perhaps you could have a home appointment with your oh there to go through the birth plan, forewarning her of what you want and his position, with the aim of having a 'professional' demonstrate the value of the choices you want to make?

I've said this before but I think some men are just crap at understanding women's things. Arguably it can only really be taken at face value as they can't ever know how we feel about it. I'd bet he is being this way because he is afraid for you and the whole situation. It would be good if he could be at a debrief too I think - I know DH found Byron's birth the most traumatic thing he's ever known and felt totally helpless about it. Your mw might be able to put you in touch with a homebirth couple if a group is off the cards. Mine is trying to connect me to another lady as she thinks I'd benefit from talking about things with her.

I really hope some of these suggestions of all of ours will help break down his barriers.

 

[Zarababy1]

snuggle i just noticed, your EDD was exactly the same as mine with harry!! this time last year i was sat waiting just like you!! its his birthday on sunday ;-) lol

 

[chuck]

I've had a debrief where we went through my notes - but I understood my notes there was no problem with that, my problem was with everything that isnt in the notes. The lack of care, lack of help, going to theatre alone and that not being taken into account and all anyone can say is 'oh sorry that shouldn't have happened'

I've had my allotted 6 appts with an NHS counsellor.

I just feel so let down by everything last time, I understand what happened I just cant stand that it happened in such a shitty way and hubby doesn't seem to think that matters as me and Dewi were alright.

My MW are very supportive - hubby is standing by my choice but he thinks I have some romanticized notion of birth that is unrealistic.

He has infact just sent me an email including these comments...

We talked about the pool before, and I told you how I felt about it. The house isn't ours, and we cannot risk the damage to the stuff we have in the living room, the loss of deposit, the cost of getting all the water out, and replacing the carpet. It surprised me that you brought it up again, and that you seemed to ignore the massive risk we'd be taking

I understand you want a pool at home, but please understand I don't even want you to give birth at home, so there has to be some compromise here. I don't even feel the pool is that much of a coup for me, given that my reasons for not wanting it are purely because of the dirty, impractical and dangerous situation it would bring.

Like I said yesterday, I've been excluded completely this time round. I understand that this is important to you, and you're determined on maximising the romance of the experience, and as so I've gone along with the home birth idea, and will do my best to support it. Please then don't have a go at me because I'm not prepared to risk where we live in order for you to have a swimming pool in the living room.

 

[Jenniflower]

I have a lot of things I want to say about that response but I've learned a long time ago not to interfere. Have the two of you ever been to counseling? I only ask because to an extent he sounds a lot like my hubby. He just does NOT listen to me. He thinks everything I say is over dramatic, that I romanticize things as well, and that in general I just don't know what I'm talking about. This was a big deal in the beginning of our marriage and as he obviously wouldn't listen to ME that it was a big deal we went to counseling. Where I learned ways of talking to him so he took me more seriously, and he learned that if he doesn't believe me to not just dismiss me but then to do his own research. To which he's found I am in fact right! HA!

Another thing we ended up having to do together was hypno birthing because he though birthing was all about being in hospital with drugs and that's how it is. After Hypno and after our practitioner told him the EXACT same things I've told him dohh and after reading those books that AIMS makes he's now so beyond on board with everything. It was actually he who convinced me that a water birth at home would be ok. I said no because we rent a 2nd story flat and our bathroom is so far away from the only place we could put the pool. It was him who said our structure was fine to hold one, and that with plastic coverings there wouldn't be any mess. All this because he's been taught to look up his own info.

So yea the gist of this was counseling. Not in the your relationship has issues kinda way counseling, just in the he sounds like the type of person who needs to hear it from someone else. I know he might mention the money aspect of things, but really that's just a cop out. You can't say the things that have been said recently and not try to get help.

 

[Bournefree]

I do think that he needs to find out for himself what it is all about.

At least he is talking about it. It also seems that he wants to be included as he is upset that he is excluded, so that is a good sign.

I understand his inital fears about loosing your deposit and any potential damage that may be caused to the carpets. DD was born at my sisters flat she let us stay in while it was between tenants.. new tenants were due to move in 3 weeks after she was born, So we were really worried that we would let my sister down, and she was more than a little anxious too! But having experienced it now.. I can honestly say there is so little mess (hey not even a drop landed on the nice new cream wool carpets!), and the MWs were so fantasic tidying everything away - they even did the washing up, before they left.. bless them!

I would argue that the pool contains any potenital mess that might occur. We didn't have lots of loss of fluids or blood, but if we did it was all going to be in the pool. The water also helped wash me down anyways - I didn't even feel like I needed a shower after.

You can still have a water birth anyways, just use the bath - i'd recommend getting some blue-tack so you can plug up your overflow, so the water is nice and deep for you.

Also like PB said it mighht be possible for you to get a homevisit with your MW one evening to talk through everything.. we didn't get our visit till about 36-37 weeks - but them we hadn't requested it any earlier. Got to be worth an ask. As he maybe more responsive getting information from a "professional" as he puts it
Xx

 

[Zarababy1]

oh, im looking for opinions on having they boys there with me, harry probably wont be intersted and he'll probably just play with his toys but i think charlie would love it! i thought about having them around for the labour and then having a friend and my sister take them out towards the end, but i think i like the idea of them being there if they want to be, also iv got a bit of a problem with the amount of people that are going to be at my house!!! my mum cant drive, so that means she will have to get someone to drive her up (probably one of my best friends amy) and my sister is only 14 so she cant really be left at home, so thats amy my mum my sister the boys and chris! all are going to be in my house! doesnt exactly sound like the relaxed homebirth i had planned! if its in he middle of the night the boys will be asleep but if its not my house is going to be mayhem! i have thought about saying i dont want anyone here other than chris, my mum was at the boys births and she was a bit usless plus she was the main one screaming push push push at me and i swear if someone tells me to push this time i might just punch them! maybe if i say just me and chris then i have my best friend chelsea round the corner she can be here with the boys to watch them or take them out if i want her too ?

 

[MandaAnda]

I'd say don't have anyone you don't absolutely want. My mom wanted to come over from the States, and I reasoned with her that she might miss it anyway since babies rarely come on their EDD. But I didn't want anyone but my DH there, and that's how I had it.

 

[PeanutBean]

I want Byron there. I chatted with my Mum about it yesterday. She is going to drive up when proper labour starts (she's coming from an hour away) and her main job will be the entertain Byron. Obviously if I go at night I won't wake Byron but I want DH to be with me at all times and not trying to appease Byron's boredom! I would like Byron to see. I mentioned this to the MW on Tuesday and she said she felt it's really important for siblings to see mum and baby asap. I'd really like him to see how it all happens. He may well forget but I hope that the subconscious knowledge of it will stay with him.

 

[chuck]

I dont know why Hubby is so adamant to get Dewi out of the house while I'm in labour, I think it's give him something to do considering he isnt really into being very hands on!

We're trying to see if we can get a freind or 2 to be on stand by- only problem is if theyre at work or unable to to at the time look after Dewi for a few hours....until MIL arrives...now thats hubbys idea, call MIL when I'm labour and get her to drive from WALES to take Dewi asap.

Yes I would appreciate a bit of alone time with baby once theyre here but to call MIL once I'm in labour ergh calm down. That was part of the reason I ended up at the BC too early last time she was stood there watching me have contractions.

Hubby has just agreed to go to an NCT homebirth info evening next week despite it being past Dewi's bed time...but the meeting is in a hotel literally across the road!

SO THANK YOU LADIES FOR MAKING ME LOOK FOR A HOMEBIRTH SUPPORT GROUP! I'M SHOUTING BECAUSE HIM SAYING YES WE'LL GO IS PROGRESS!!!!!

 

[PeanutBean]

Great news Chuck! I hope it helps. I think you can both get through this.

 

[Zarababy1]

after much thought about this today i think i have decided what i want to do, i want the kids there, i want them in the house/room even in the pool if they want to get in! i've watched a few home birth videos on you tube with older kids there and it seems lovely! i dont want my mum to come, i love my mum to bits and we have a very close relationship but she doesnt understand, nor have any interest in any kind of natural parenting or birth so she's abit useless, so i have decided to have Chris and Chelsea here, chelsea will mainly be for the kids but shes also a great photographer and owns a great hd video cam! so she will be usefull there! shes very intersted in natural birth her mum infact 23 years ago in america went against what every dr said and had her at home with a midwife! and midwifes were so unheard of over there then! she also said she will read the books im reading to get a better idea and chris said he will too, i dont think harry will be intersted but i think charlie will be wanting to swim with me! im going to be seriously gutted if this doesnt go to plan! lol oh and just a random thing to add...having an american best friend is great!! shes throwing me a baby shower!any ideas on gifts/useful things i can ask for from people!?

 

[MandaAnda]

Zara, I bet it feels good to have a decision made. Regarding the baby shower, for things like that back in the States, we usually register for what we want. Does Mothercare or Toys R Us offer a registry? Or you could ad the Amazon "wish list" button to your bookmark bar your browser, and it puts whatever page you were on when you clicked it into your wish list. One of my wish lists on Amazon is a baby one, and my sister was able to find the books I wanted for Jack that way. So, if it were me, I'd just look online and click whatever you like into that, and your friend could put the web address of your wish list in the invitations so people could have an idea of what you like.

 

[Mervs Mum]

I've had the honour of being present when my last two clients children met their new sibling for the first time and it's SUCH a special moment Both with toddlers, both laboured at night. One birthed just before the toddler woke up in the morning as usual - perfect timing - and the other heard the MW step on the creaky stair on her way out and woke up - both wonderful moments that they will cherish for ever

 

[Mervs Mum]

And Zara I think I know you well enough to be honest. That sounds like a circus. If it's what YOU want fair enough but dont do it to make things convenient for others or because you feel you should.

 

[pimento1979]

Hi everyone! Thanks for all of your lovely posts. Briefly, as you know, my water broke just after midnight on Friday morning. I went for copious amounts of walks, lots of hot curries, 2 acupuncture sessions and a reflexology session to get things going naturally (obviously they wanted to induce me). I went into labour naturally around 5pm on Saturday afternoon. Got the midwife and doula over at 10pm and I was in the pool at about the same time. At 5am, I felt like I needed something (i.e. epidural) so we transferred to hospital, but the ambulance ride was enough to get me to 10cm and by the time I hopped off the stretcher, I was ready to push! Eva Rose was born at 6:18am on Sunday, 23rd January, without any pain relief (besides the pool), intervention or instruments. We were kept in for 24 hours so that they could do observations on Eva to ensure no signs of infection.

My milk came in and she is BF like a champ

I'll post a full birth story when I can, but here are some pics in the meantime

 

[PeanutBean]

Yay congratulations Cathy!!

 

[MandaAnda]

Eva is just gorgeous! And I couldn't help shedding a few happy tears when I read your milk's come in and Eva's breastfeeding well - I know it's something that meant so much to you! Well done on all counts! x

(And how is it that she already looks so much like her daddy?! So sweet!)

 

[Zarababy1]

congratulations cathy!!
Yeah Lisa, it does sound a bit crazy having like Amy, My mum my sister, Chris Chelsea and two midwifes in my house when all i want is a relaxed natural birth!! I feel better now i'v had a think about it and decided i dont want anyone here apart from Chris the boys and Chelsea plus midwifes obviously, oh yeah, does it HAVE to be two midwifes? really seems a bit pointless, Chelsea will be here to take photos and watch the kids over anything else, Im trying to convince that he should think about getting in the pool, got a good 20-23 weeks to convince him to open his mind to it at least! but then i think once im in labour he'll find it hard to say no ;-)