Hopeless Depression

[Pinkys Brain]

My wife suffered a miscarriage two months ago after out first in four years.
She was distraught, we both were. I gradually helped her through it and she's come out the other side feeling better. Still very upset but dealing with it.

I'm not. I am totally, absolutely depressed. And frustrated. And angry. And there is nothing I can do about it. I can't even tell my doctor, the one person that could help, as it would be listed on my record and massively delay future IVF attempts.

I go through every day, dead on the inside, smile on the outside. My wife knows all this however she also knows I can't let it out. I haven't cried since it happened but inside, I want to rip myself apart. I sleep six hours a night and wake up in what feels like only seconds.

There's something brewing. I've disconnected from reality. I smile, I laugh, I joke and beneath the surface, I can feel how fake these emotions are. All I feel is anguish and loss and pain. I want to scream, to hurt. But I can't.

I've been awake for nearly 24 hours. I'm going to go to sleep soon and I'll feel the same way tomorrow. This is my life now.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Blu10]

Im so sorry you feel this way. Miscarriage is awful for anyone but Id imagine after IVF it is truly devastating. Two months is still very early. Maybe consider whether you feel ready to try again, sending hugs and baby dust to both tou and your wife. It does get easier eventually, I promise x

 

[Pinkys Brain]

We don't plan to try again until next year; but any mention of depression on my notes could push any further attempts back two years. Oh the irony.

 

[AnnieMac2]

I am so sorry. It's disgusting that you can't even get medical help for depression without negative repercussions. Have you considered seeing a therapist that doesn't do health insurance? Then it would be separate from your other records. Although, take care to verify that with him/her. I see one who takes $50 cash. Maybe a support group is an option? You don't deserve to live like this any longer.

I told my OB this month that I was incredibly depressed after my mc. His response was to repeatedly and aggressively and loudly say, "DO NOT GET PREGNANT RIGHT NOW." I felt completely shamed and betrayed by him.

I hope you find some relief.

 

[Blu10]

I disagree with the medics here i think feeling depressed due to a los can be helped by a new pregnancy, even when it comes with anxieties x

 

[AnnieMac2]

I agree, Blu. And you would know

They shouldn't be able make it difficult for some people to become parents. It's outrageous.

I hope you'll update us on how you're doing, Pinkys Brain. I really feel for you and will be thinking of you. There are some wonderful people on this site and I hope you can find some comfort like I have.

 

[minimoocow]

Have you sat and talked to you wife? I know you said she knows how you feel but have you actually expressed this to her? If not it might help. It might also help her - my oh wont talk to me. I think he thinks he needs to be strong for me. He doesn't!

If you are uk based try www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk they have a page for support for partners and a helpline you can call.

Hope you feel better soon x