House rules for children/teenagers

[mrskx0x0]

I was reading a post the other week (can't remember what it was about) and a lady mentioned that her little girl will not be allowed to go out with friends until she is 16 and no boyfriends until she is 18. I was just wondering if anyone else had thought of any of these rules yet? I am looking for lots of ideas for boys and girls. lol I know this is early but in my head my baby is already 17

My rule is no unsupervised internet access.

 

[MissRhead]

omg ive never even thought bout this lol, Ill be gutted if my child turns out like me lmao. Plenty of time to work on that tho! xx

 

[purpledahlia]

Erm, im not gonna stop my daughter having a boyfriend, i will just teach her to be responsible and open about it. obv dont want her having sex till at least 17 - thats what age i was, but i would rather she was open with me than did it behind my back cos ''im strict'' or whatever.

Internet ill just put up blockers so its minimised what she can do/see, cant be sitting with her everysingle time she wants to go online. not having her own computer tho.

umm.. Im not sure really what else. not thought about it, not worrying about 16 years down the line. id rather just worry about the next one year than the next 16!! when the time comes ill think about the situations as and when they arise!

 

[Mynx]

I have a 16 (17 in Oct) year old daughter and I'd always said that she'd have no boyfriends till she was at least 18 etc etc but at the end of the day, I'd rather her be honest with me about boyfriends n stuff, which she is. Completely open. I know stuff about their relationship that I'd rather not know (she's not a virgin anymore) but there's bugger all I can do about it, except give her the usual lectures about safe sex, STDs, pregnancy etc. She's been with this lad for over a year now and he seems like a nice boy. She has alot of freedom and all I ask for in return is that she tells me where she's going, what time she's gonna be home, if she'll be home for dinner. As long as I know where she is, who she's with and when she'll be back then I can relax... to a point!

We'll probably do exactly the same with our LO when she's old enough too.

 

[purpledahlia]

thats like the relationship i have with my mother, and id rather have that with my daughter too than all these rules etc, shes gonna do what she wants when shes out with her friends, so id rather know about it and help and advise than not know. know what i mean?? you cant physically stop a teenage girl from having boyfriends unless you send her to an all girls school - and even then they find way's!! better to be close and open than stirct. that drives them away, bit diff for boys tho, they dont tend to open up as easily.

 

[Mynx]

thats like the relationship i have with my mother, and id rather have that with my daughter too than all these rules etc, shes gonna do what she wants when shes out with her friends, so id rather know about it and help and advise than not know. know what i mean?? you cant physically stop a teenage girl from having boyfriends unless you send her to an all girls school - and even then they find way's!! better to be close and open than stirct. that drives them away, bit diff for boys tho, they dont tend to open up as easily.

Exactly. I remember what I was like at that age!! So I would much rather we have an open and honest relationship than her sneaking out behind my back. Life is all about experience and she's just finding her feet out in the big wide world, and I will support her all the way

 

[Kittee]

I'm actually the one that said that last week and I still stand by that. In my husband culture (Asian) girls just don't date at all until they are out of COLLEGE. How about that?


I do not want boys to be a distraction for her like they were for me at that age. She needs to focus on school etc.


And I had a friend whos mother was really "open" and supported of her daughter dating at 15 and you know what happened? Yep. She had a baby at 15!

 

[mrskx0x0]

I know what I got up to when I was younger too and it's not good and I was a 'sensible girl'. Me and my friend snuck alcohol into the house at 11, were smoking in the back garden at 14, then my friend stole some weed she found in my sisters bag and we smoked that out of one of the bedroom windows. By 16 my friend was smoking weed behind the swimming pool when she was supposed to be in maths and I went to get her, if anyone had seen me with her I would have been suspended at least. Someone at school spiked another kids drink in the canteen with ecstasy and I live in a small town, only 5000 residents. I was groomed by an internet paedophile for two years at the age of 14 hence the no internet rule. Plus there's a lot of crazy eating stuff that also went on starting around age 14 so needless to say I don't want any of that for my baby it's just lucky baby's daddy is the single most straight laced person I have ever met in my whole life, even as a teenager

 

[mrskx0x0]

I'm actually the one that said that last week and I still stand by that. In my husband culture (Asian) girls just don't date at all until they are out of COLLEGE. How about that?


I do not want boys to be a distraction for her like they were for me at that age. She needs to focus on school etc.


And I had a friend whos mother was really "open" and supported of her daughter dating at 15 and you know what happened? Yep. She had a baby at 15!

Aww it was you Kittee! I'm all about the studying I wish I had the cultural thing to fall back on. My Mum is training to be ordained (haha she will be Reverand Grandma) maybe I should just move the whole family to the bible belt?

 

[MrsChamberlin]

This is a hard one, too strict and they shut you out (that's what I did), too loose and things can happen.

One thing I have decided and people may think what they will, both of my daughters, will be put on a form of birth control by the time they are 14.

People look at this like I am saying go out and have sex... I'M NOT! What I am doing is protecting them incase they make a bad choice at a early age. Freshman year in high school is a very confusing time, and mistakes happen. We won't be there to watch their every move. My daughters are not having babies while they are babies themselves.

This being said, I asked to go on birth control at 16, my father said no, I went out and had sex anyways and have a 6 year old daughter to prove it. I had her at 17, right before my Senior year. (The condom broke, what can you do?)

As for dating, they will be allowed the "school relationships", but any going out on actual dates won't happen until I feel they are mature enough to handle it.

I hope to raise them to think for themselves, to not fall into the "boy" traps, to be strong, to have morals, to be independent.

 

[purpledahlia]

Yeah i agree with all that aswell, rules ARE good, boundries are good, but if you have a good relationship those boundries wont be broken. I have had oen hell of a teenage 'life' seriously have tried done everything, depressed, self harmed, EVERYTHING. but my mums been there all the time, and at 14, 15 16 even 17 you of course think you know everything. I will also let my daughter go on birth control when she asks, i will take her. But it is tricky if you are too strict you will get shut out. I would still not dare to swear in front of my parents, it was their rule not to - none of us do infront of them, first time i heard my brother swear i was so shocked.. cos its just outta respect because theyre laid back and open with us, but that is one rule.... (theres obv others) but we wont break their rules because theres not TOO many of them. know what i mean?? Im still not allowed boys to sleepover my brother was allowed his ex of 3 years but she slept in my room. So although we can date and do what we want, we were never allowed to share a bed with the opposite sex in their house. Im still not and im having a baby!!! haha

 

[Kota]

haha, if we have a daughter and my OH gets his way she won't be dating until she's 35!!

Seriously though, I was allowed 'boyfriends' from about 13, but back then it was silly things you know, you'd hold hands and go to the movies with friends together, I don't think we even kissed!!
From about 16 though I think its reasonable, I know a girl who didn't have a boyfriend until she was 19, she's now 29 and tbh, is one of the most emotionally imature people I've ever met. Not being able to have teenage crushes and little teenage romances really didn't help her ability to deal with a serious relationship as an adult. I'd hate any daughter of mine to suffer that fate.
It's all in moderation, from 16 I think boyfriends are okay, however like my parents did with me, they wouldn't be allowed to stay the night, and if they were over, and in my daughters room, the door would stay open.

 

[kimbobaloobob]

if my mum hadnt let me have b/f's when i was younger i wouldent be with my childhood sweet heart now, so i will never get in the way on that one.
but ive never realy though of rules yet, i think i will just take it as it comes and control it when i think it is necessary...

 

[QTPie]

I agree with whoever said "one step at a time" - I am currently studying about pregnancy and newborns, that is enough to think/worry about at the moment....

As far as parenting philosophy goes, then I think that there needs to be a good balance: yes you need rules and boundaries (otherwise children do not feel secure and loose the plot), BUT - at least with older kids - I believe in education rather than forbidding things. Equip them to make their own responsible decisions and hope, by the age of 16/17, that they can make the right choices. That doesn't mean "free rein" to do what they like, but you can't choose a kid's friends or boyfriends for them (no matter how much you want to....). You can promote "safe sex", ensure they are back home at a reasonable time and not allow boyfriends to "stay over" though. I think that, with teens, you need to "choose your battles carefully": stick to the ones that you can win...

All I know is my upbringing... for instance I was allowed "watered down wine" (with dinner) from the age of about 10 and I have NEVER had an alcohol problem... It was never forbidden and I saw it as something that you would have with dinner. So I never had a "thing" about it (even when most of my university friends went into drinking over-drive...).

It very much depends on your child, though... what are their "motivators" (what do they respond to) when they become a teenager? That you wont know for YEARS... so why worry about it.

Live for today

QT

 

[mrskx0x0]

I didn't have a boyfriend from the ages of 10 to 16 (when I started seeing OH). Hehe I had plenty of crushes though. I can see the merit or harmless dating but I would also be upset if, like me and my OH, my child decided to switch their choice of university because they didn't want to leave their bf/gf. I know this is all speculative and it totally depends on the child but I am one of those people always been a worrier- must be the capricorn in me.

 

[QTPie]

I didn't have a boyfriend from the ages of 10 to 16 (when I started seeing OH). Hehe I had plenty of crushes though. I can see the merit or harmless dating but I would also be upset if, like me and my OH, my child decided to switch their choice of university because they didn't want to leave their bf/gf. I know this is all speculative and it totally depends on the child but I am one of those people always been a worrier- must be the capricorn in me.

Then you could spend your life worrying about what may never happen - not good!

The best thing is to concentrate on teaching (from a young age) the value of education and thinking "longer term"/"bigger picture"... if a child has those underlying values, then - when the time comes - they will make the right decision.... If they respect your opinion, too, they may well ask for it.

Forbidding a bf/gf will probably make them just more determined, it wont change their decision re university and they probably wont value your opinion on the matter either...

I am always for a "carrot" (rather than "stick" ) approach IF possible

QT

 

[emerald78]

I was brought up with very strict rules and had very little freedom. I did rebel but my mum could be quite scary so I only rebelled as much as she would let me. Getting pregnant young was not an option and we were taught better than to do that. I remember thinking that I would never bring my child up in the same way. However, since I have grown up I have realised that whilst my mum may not have always behaved in a manner that I liked she only did what she thought was best for me and my brother and sister. She has three grown up children who have a great relationship with her who are all succcessful in what they do.

At the end of the day you are going to be the parent and that is more important than being their friend. Yes, you need to gain their respect which you can do as a parent but you do need to impose rules and stick to them.

Not meaning to preach but that is my own personal thoughts on the subject.

 

[purpledahlia]

~Well im not gonna be v strict, im gonna be like my mum was with me. but better

 

[bekkie]

I can't even begin to imagine how different the world is going to be in 10 or 15 years - I haven't even thought of rules... gonna take it as we go focus on getting baby out and in to the world first haha. DH and I have discussed how we will discipline, and guidelines will come with time and age.

Personally, I learnt about sex at a young age, started having it safely at 15 (I knew what would happen if I wasn't protected) and continued that practice until I was married and we made the decision earlier this year to start trying - I drank at 15, under parental supervision... I had sleepovers on school nights... parents always knew where I was... I want to have an open and honest relationship with our child, I want them to know they can come to us with anything. Time will tell if things work out in real life as well as I hope they will.

 

[purpledahlia]

Thats a true point i hadnt thought of, who knows what will be going on in 15 years time, the world certainly wont be like it is now.