How do I tell people to stop addressing me as Mrs HISfirstname

[redlemonade]

If it means that much just tell them outright! But tbh thats how u address a card/letter. Always has been always will be...

Why follow the crowd just because it's been done that way before?

Ps etiquette does change over time. Thankfully.

 

[redlemonade]

They did address it to you, they have put mrs and your first name inside the card.

My name isn't 'mrs HIS first name'. That's what they put on the envelope. So, no, they didn't address it to me.

Yes but that belongs to the Mr that is also on the card. It's addressed to two people

I think you're deliberately missing the point now.

 

[redlemonade]

I actually think it would be worse to put first names on the envelope. I would take offense at that.

How come you think it's offensive to use first names on envelopes? Just curious

 

[lilyd]

I respect the fact that you don't like it, but just because you find it offensive it doesn't mean it is offensive to everyone and etiquette has to change? It's not just an older generation thing either, it is still taught as the correct way to address a letter.

I don't find it in the least offensive and would much prefer it to Christian names being written on an envelope.

 

[w8ing4bean]

Why didnt u just keep your name then if ur so against tradition

 

[Nibblenic]

Thanks everyone. Such a mixture of responses! I get that it doesn't bother everyone, and that's fine if you're ok with it. I'm not. I strongly disagree that 'it's the thought that counts'.

Why not tell them not to bother sending cards to you then and just donate to charity then.

To quote the lovely Stephen Fry
“It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

Its fine they you find it offensive doesnt mean people have to change their behavior around you, especially if you dont care that they are thinking of you

 

[redlemonade]

I respect the fact that you don't like it, but just because you find it offensive it doesn't mean it is offensive to everyone and etiquette has to change? It's not just an older generation thing either, it is still taught as the correct way to address a letter.

I don't find it in the least offensive and would much prefer it to Christian names being written on an envelope.

I didn't say it's offensive to everyone. But etiquette DOES change and not because I say so but because that's what happens when societies change.

I don't know where you live but it's not taught as the 'correct' way here anymore.

 

[Pearls18]

For me I think my family do it as a sign of respect for our relationship, it's exciting being married, I always say "congrats Mrs X" to friends who marry because it is exciting getting to use your husband's name for the first time, so perhaps instead of seeing it as them disrespecting you see it as way of them congratulating your relationship. I'm little more established in myself than to let my husband's name take my personality, I'm personally proud of my "Mrs" and feel very blessed to have found someone to share my life with and to me taking the name is just part of that, I'm still me. But if your feelings are this strong about it you actually resent your family and friends for what they are probably only doing to be polite just be as frank and honest with them about it as you have been with us. I bet they just haven't thought of it like that, I know I wouldn't have and would have done it as a way of respecting you, not disrespecting you.

 

[redlemonade]

Why didnt u just keep your name then if ur so against tradition

As I said earlier, I wanted us to have a family name. Not that that should make a difference really.

 

[redlemonade]

Thanks everyone. Such a mixture of responses! I get that it doesn't bother everyone, and that's fine if you're ok with it. I'm not. I strongly disagree that 'it's the thought that counts'.

Why not tell them not to bother sending cards to you then and just donate to charity then.

To quote the lovely Stephen Fry
“It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

Its fine they you find it offensive doesnt mean people have to change their behavior around you, especially if you dont care that they are thinking of you

I'm not going to say that to them, obviously. I don't know why you find this so hard to understand. All I'm looking for is not to have my name omitted. Simple!

I never said I didn't appreciate the card itself, just that I don't appreciate the way it was addressed.

You're very wrong in saying that people shouldn't change their behaviour if it's being disrespectful IMHO. I don't think saying 'so fucking what' is a good thing to say when someone says they feel offended

But you've made your point and I've made mine. Doubt we'll see eye to eye on this one.

 

[redlemonade]

For me I think my family do it as a sign of respect for our relationship, it's exciting being married, I always say "congrats Mrs X" to friends who marry because it is exciting getting to use your husband's name for the first time, so perhaps instead of seeing it as them disrespecting you see it as way of them congratulating your relationship. I'm little more established in myself than to let my husband's name take my personality, I'm personally proud of my "Mrs" and feel very blessed to have found someone to share my life with and to me taking the name is just part of that, I'm still me. But if your feelings are this strong about it you actually resent your family and friends for what they are probably only doing to be polite just be as frank and honest with them about it as you have been with us. I bet they just haven't thought of it like that, I know I wouldn't have and would have done it as a way of respecting you, not disrespecting you.

Thanks marinewag. I'm absolutely fine with being mrs x, I chose to take his last name. I just didn't choose to take his first name so that was my point. I am happy to be married and have this family name. I just find it hard to understand that omitting a woman's first name is being respectful when her husband's name is included, but I do see your point and agree that they didn't mean any harm, as I had said previously.

I don't resent them at all. I just thought they knew me, that's all. It's just disappointing.

What's really strange is that last Xmas was our first year of marriage and they included both our names. So I don't think it's as a way of congratulating us tbh

 

[Pearls18]

For me I think my family do it as a sign of respect for our relationship, it's exciting being married, I always say "congrats Mrs X" to friends who marry because it is exciting getting to use your husband's name for the first time, so perhaps instead of seeing it as them disrespecting you see it as way of them congratulating your relationship. I'm little more established in myself than to let my husband's name take my personality, I'm personally proud of my "Mrs" and feel very blessed to have found someone to share my life with and to me taking the name is just part of that, I'm still me. But if your feelings are this strong about it you actually resent your family and friends for what they are probably only doing to be polite just be as frank and honest with them about it as you have been with us. I bet they just haven't thought of it like that, I know I wouldn't have and would have done it as a way of respecting you, not disrespecting you.

Thanks marinewag. I'm absolutely fine with being mrs x, I chose to take his last name. I just didn't choose to take his first name so that was my point. I am happy to be married and have this family name. I just find it hard to understand that omitting a woman's first name is being respectful when her husband's name is included, but I do see your point and agree that they didn't mean any harm, as I had said previously.

I don't resent them at all. I just thought they knew me, that's all. It's just disappointing.

What's really strange is that last Xmas was our first year of marriage and they included both our names. So I don't think it's as a way of congratulating us tbh

My pet hate is "Dear Sirs" for work correspondence, I'm not sure of the background and etiquette to that but my profession used to be very academic male orientated so my inner feminist comes out when I get a Dear Sirs letter lol!

 

[redlemonade]

Omg marinewag, that would drive me crazy! You know, I think people just aren't using their brains, are they?

 

[Snow Owl]

I know how you feel. I always send to mr and mrs smith, as I agree with you!

 

[katy1310]

Oops...I must have unintentionally offended about 30 people with the cards I sent out this year! It's honestly not something I have ever thought about, it's just the way I was taught to do it at school and it's the way I have always done it. People do it on our cards as well, I think - not that I really take much notice of things, just look to see who the mail is for!

I have never seen it as my name being excluded, if our cards say Mr and Mrs A ****** on the envelope, inside they say all our names, and to me, that's just the way the envelope has been addressed, nothing more.

I remember when I was little if my mum got post addressed to just her, it would often say Mrs John ******** - now THAT would annoy me! Mr and Mrs J ******** wouldn't annoy me at all but that's just my opinion - you feel the way you feel, so if it upsets you or offends you as much as it does, I think I agree with the person who said if you are writing thank you letters with a return address or anything, address them the way you want to have your things addressed, and write the return address with your names the way you want it. xxx

 

[redlemonade]

Thanks

I understand people just do this without thinking. It does date back to when the man was considered the head of the household though which is DEFINITELY not the case in our house

It's an interesting debate though, and interesting to see so many different perspectives. I do tend to think of these things a lot more than the average woman though. So I guess I'm just more sensitive to these issues than others!

I've gotten some great advice so I'm going to speak to some that I'll be seeing over Xmas (lightheartedly) and writing a thank you card to one person I rarely see. I'm going to keep it all very lighthearted and easy going. Thanks everyone again

 

[Lawgirl]

I don't mind Mr and Mrs [his initial] surname. What I DO mind is the cards I get addressed just to me (e.g. my birthday cards) that say Mrs [his initial] surname. Fortunately it's only his gran that does this and as she is ancient I let it slide. Anyone else would get a swift kick up the rear.

 

[minties]

I find it really weird and old fashioned, especially coming from friends and family! It's like you're only being tacked on as an after-thought and it's only really addressed to your husband? What, are you just an accessory now?

Here formal letters are address like:
Mrs A L Smith & Mr J C Smith. Not "Mr and Mrs J C Smith".

If I were sending a card to a friend and husband, I'd address it to whomever was my friend, then tack husbands name on after that. So something like "To Wilma and Fred Flinstone". I wouldn't even say Mr or Mrs. It's a friend! And a relative I would do the same. Or even just address it to my friend and forget the husband...hehe.

I don't believe in marriage and wouldn't change my surname though anyway. I'm not a feminist and assume a very traditional role in the home, but that's how I view names.

 

[redlemonade]

Lol lawgirl - anyone other than his gran might get a kick from me too

I know Minties, it's so weird to me to write to family and friends so formally! What are we trying to be, royalty? Lol!

 

[Natsku]

I'm sure they didn't mean to offend you but that would annoy me too. If I write to married couples who have the same surname I write Mr and Mrs XXXX or first name and first name XXXX - I would never write Mr and Mrs X XXXX as that seems so weird to me. Definitely not changing my name when I get married either, not because I'm a feminist (at least I don't consider myself one) but because I'm a me-ist - I don't want to lose any of my identity.