How do I tell people to stop addressing me as Mrs HISfirstname

[Natsku]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

 

[Natsku]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

Then why bother getting married??If you didn't want people to assume you didn't mind etiquette,then you should have kept your own name..

I think this is the bit that I don't really get. Whist I understand the desire to have a family name, I don't see changing your name as being any less 'old fashioned' than the issue that OP is complaining about.

Because she only changed her last name, not her first name.

I get that, but changing your name to take on your husbands name is just as old fashioned as addressing somebody as Mrs John Smith?

I do understand why the OP chose to change her surname, but it does get a bit confusing when some 'old fashioned' ways are acceptable and others aren't.

I guess some people want to have the same family name as a matter of convenience (having a different last name from Maria is rather inconvenient at times) not because they want to be old-fashioned.

 

[R_x]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

 

[R_x]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

Then why bother getting married??If you didn't want people to assume you didn't mind etiquette,then you should have kept your own name..

I think this is the bit that I don't really get. Whist I understand the desire to have a family name, I don't see changing your name as being any less 'old fashioned' than the issue that OP is complaining about.

Because she only changed her last name, not her first name.

I get that, but changing your name to take on your husbands name is just as old fashioned as addressing somebody as Mrs John Smith?

I do understand why the OP chose to change her surname, but it does get a bit confusing when some 'old fashioned' ways are acceptable and others aren't.

I guess some people want to have the same family name as a matter of convenience (having a different last name from Maria is rather inconvenient at times) not because they want to be old-fashioned.

They could have all had her last name

 

[redlemonade]

Why did I choose to get married? Why did you? It's about love and commitment. Marriage can happen outside of a church and without traditional customs.

Why did I take his surname? It was something that I have already explained but I'll explain it again for those that missed it. We wanted a family name. We considered him taking my surname and I worried people would make fun of my DH. We considered a double-barrel surname (but my surname would be incredibly long) and we considered making a new surname for ourselves. In the end there was no right answer; nothing that was 100% perfect. But we weighed it all up and made our decision.

I get that some of you don't understand this - you've made your point! I guess I've offended your values or something...that wasn't my intention.

 

[Natsku]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

 

[dani_tinks]

Just have a word with people if it bothers you so much?!
On most of our mail it is Dr & Mrs hisfirstname & last name... I would never be offended? I married him, I have no issue with his names... In our marriage and relationship I see us as a team anyhow, mail is very much, unimportant in relation to other things. .

 

[redlemonade]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

Thanks natsku This is exactly it - either both first names or neither is fine with me.

 

[redlemonade]

Just have a word with people if it bothers you so much?!
On most of our mail it is Dr & Mrs hisfirstname & last name... I would never be offended? I married him, I have no issue with his names... In our marriage and relationship I see us as a team anyhow, mail is very much, unimportant in relation to other things. .

I did - this post is almost a week old. I spoke with people and they completely understood.

It's not that the post is important as such, but customs are very powerful IMHO. I see my DH and I as a team also but within teams there are still individuals. DH has his opinions and interests and I have mine

 

[Sarahkka]

Taking your husband's last name is not old-fashioned nor is it derived from the same sexist traditions that viewed women as a piece of property to pass from a father to a husband. Why is it different? Because it is now a choice. The formal address should update to reflect changing values and customs, I think.
As a feminist, I would never consider another woman as somehow less emancipated because she chose to take her husband's last name. Feminism is about supporting each other in the right to choose and supporting each other in working towards changes at all levels that reflect and uphold those rights.

 

[R_x]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

How? Mr first name and mrs first name last name?

 

[Natsku]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

How? Mr first name and mrs first name last name?

Yeah, or just initials.

 

[redlemonade]

Taking your husband's last name is not old-fashioned nor is it derived from the same sexist traditions that viewed women as a piece of property to pass from a father to a husband. Why is it different? Because it is now a choice. The formal address should update to reflect changing values and customs, I think.
As a feminist, I would never consider another woman as somehow less emancipated because she chose to take her husband's last name. Feminism is about supporting each other in the right to choose and supporting each other in working towards changes at all levels that reflect and uphold those rights.

Thank you for this. Tbh I feel like I can't win with this - when I chose to change my name I also dealt with some criticism from feminist friends. It's pretty sad that women can't support each other's right to choose. Pressure from feminists to keep my name felt as bad as pressure to change it, just this time the force came from fellow women as opposed to tradition. I don't believe in that type of feminism whatsoever.

 

[R_x]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

How? Mr first name and mrs first name last name?

Yeah, or just initials.

Who could be bothered to write all that on an envelope

 

[Natsku]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

How? Mr first name and mrs first name last name?

Yeah, or just initials.

Who could be bothered to write all that on an envelope

Thats why I would just write Mr and Mrs Surname.

Edit: And I would bother to write it that way if thats how the person receiving the card/letter would want it to be written. Its not much more effort and if it makes someone happier/more comfortable then its worth it.

 

[R_x]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

How? Mr first name and mrs first name last name?

Yeah, or just initials.

Who could be bothered to write all that on an envelope

Thats why I would just write Mr and Mrs Surname.

Edit: And I would bother to write it that way if thats how the person receiving the card/letter would want it to be written. Its not much more effort and if it makes someone happier/more comfortable then its worth it.

What if you knew two people with that surname?
Personally I just wouldn't bother if they are that bothered about how I choose to write on the envelope

 

[Natsku]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

How? Mr first name and mrs first name last name?

Yeah, or just initials.

Who could be bothered to write all that on an envelope

Thats why I would just write Mr and Mrs Surname.

Edit: And I would bother to write it that way if thats how the person receiving the card/letter would want it to be written. Its not much more effort and if it makes someone happier/more comfortable then its worth it.

What if you knew two people with that surname?
Personally I just wouldn't bother if they are that bothered about how I choose to write on the envelope

Well if I'm posting it then the address would obviously distinguish which couple it is and if I'm not putting an address on I'd probably put both initials. I just figure if I care enough to send someone a card I'd care enough to address it the way they prefer.

 

[R_x]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

How? Mr first name and mrs first name last name?

Yeah, or just initials.

Who could be bothered to write all that on an envelope

Thats why I would just write Mr and Mrs Surname.

Edit: And I would bother to write it that way if thats how the person receiving the card/letter would want it to be written. Its not much more effort and if it makes someone happier/more comfortable then its worth it.

What if you knew two people with that surname?
Personally I just wouldn't bother if they are that bothered about how I choose to write on the envelope

Well if I'm posting it then the address would obviously distinguish which couple it is and if I'm not putting an address on I'd probably put both initials. I just figure if I care enough to send someone a card I'd care enough to address it the way they prefer.

But they don't care to see past what's on the envelope when the sender clearly doesn't mean to offend anyone

 

[Natsku]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

When its only using his first name and not hers as well then it pretty much is.

Why would it say mrs...it's not like it just says mr firstname lastname

It only says his first name, thats the problem. Either put both first names or just leave it as Mr and Mrs Surname.

How? Mr first name and mrs first name last name?

Yeah, or just initials.

Who could be bothered to write all that on an envelope

Thats why I would just write Mr and Mrs Surname.

Edit: And I would bother to write it that way if thats how the person receiving the card/letter would want it to be written. Its not much more effort and if it makes someone happier/more comfortable then its worth it.

What if you knew two people with that surname?
Personally I just wouldn't bother if they are that bothered about how I choose to write on the envelope

Well if I'm posting it then the address would obviously distinguish which couple it is and if I'm not putting an address on I'd probably put both initials. I just figure if I care enough to send someone a card I'd care enough to address it the way they prefer.

But they don't care to see past what's on the envelope when the sender clearly doesn't mean to offend anyone

I'm just saying what I would do. I generally don't want to upset my friends unnecessarily so if I can avoid doing that by addressing their envelopes differently, or something else simple like that, then I will do.

 

[R_x]

There's more to life then an envelope. How can anyone get upset by a piece of paper that goes straight in the bin