How do I tell people to stop addressing me as Mrs HISfirstname

[suzib76]

I don't care what it says on the envelope, I'm like yay we got a card!!!

Whether it contains his or my first name or initial really isn't relevant, I couldn't be offended by someone who had taken time out of their day to send me a card.

Thinking on it we have had every variation of the names over the years, but it's not something that has ever made me feel like a 1950's housewife? I guess it's not that important to me

But to answer your question, personally if you are going to constantly be offended by mail arriving I would just tell them thanks but no thanks. I think it's actually a little bit off to demand how someone writes on an envelope tbh, I mean most people don't give it that much thought, I know when I have sent cards to couples I have never thought it through I just scribble down whatever, so according to when I do it it could vary each time

 

[~RedLily~]

I completely agree with you, this drives me mad!
I just wrote a whole post on this but thought I would probably end up offending people because this is something I feel very strongly about, I won't be taking my husbands name and I don't agree that children are automatically expected to have their fathers name.

 

[Sarahkka]

I did not change my name and I still get mail addressed to me as "Mrs. His Last Name". From close relatives who are well aware that I did not change my name. Who have received many many letters from me with a return address that uses both our names.
I'm a feminist, absolutely, and I believe that language and customs have a lot of power. No, I am not going to gnash my teeth with rage everytime someone mistakenly addresses me as "Mrs.Y", when I clearly call myself "Ms.X", but it does make me wonder, are they being deliberately obtuse?
Personally, I use the return address as my cue for how people would like to be addressed, so it does make me wonder why someone would deliberately ignore multiple cues of that sort? And I do wonder if they are deliberately being disrespectful (maybe because they insist on clinging to some really old school etiquette) or if they just automatically "correct" my name to how they feel a married woman should be addressed? No, I don't lose sleep over this, but I do think it is odd. In their essence, etiquette and good manners are born out of showing respect and putting people at ease. The system of formal address (whether we are talking Mr/Mrs/Ms or how to address a letter to a married couple) needs to evolve, I think.

 

[redlemonade]

Thanks ladies!

Natsku, I agree, I don't think they meant to offend. For the most part, I think they just do as they've always done!

Suzib76, I sometimes think I shouldn't care as much what the envelope says but, sarahkka said, I think language has a lot of power. I have no intention of demanding what way they write an envelope but I'd like to ask them to consider my feelings on the matter. If they can't do that then...well, I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it! Thanks for your advice

Thanks redlily! I agree that it shouldn't be expected that children get the name of their father. When we got married we had numerous discussions on the idea of a name change and what we'd do if/when we had kids. This discussion went on for a year, lol! In the end, we made a decision that we were happy with which I think every couple should do. I don't think people should make assumptions that the woman will change her name/the kids will get dad's name, but sadly they do because most people just don't think the same way we do I guess!

I couldn't agree more sarahkka! Wow I can't believe people refer to you as Mrs X even though they know you are Ms X! I would also wonder if they're being deliberately disrespectful. I think sometimes people try to make others fit their mould because they're not comfortable with societal changes. I'm not sure if that's the case with me (perhaps that is the case with one of my aunts, but I won't make assumptions just yet!); I think they're just doing as they've always done. It will be interesting if they continue to do this after I let them know my name isn't Mrs HISname though

I think, because we're sensitive to issues like this, that we'll notice things like return addresses on envelopes. However, most people don't bother to take the time, I think, and just make assumptions. The problem with etiquette is that it doesn't take individual preferences into account and treats everyone the same way which, in essence, is not at all respectful. Oh the irony!

 

[curiousowl]

That would drive me up a wall too, honestly. I changed my name since I wanted a family name and figured it was easiest to do it now. A friend who got married several years ago just recently changed her name when she got pregnant and it was a much bigger hassle for her. So I have no problem being addressed as Mrs Smith but I'd be bothered by Mrs John Smith. (That makes think of my grandmother's old cookbooks where they'd have a paragraph before the recipe saying things like "Mrs Fred Jones of Dayton, OH makes this roast for her husband every Friday night".)

I think I didn't do it properly but when I addressed my wedding invites I did them "Mrs Jane and Mr John Smith" for this very reason. I couldn't imagine leaving off the names of my female friends. I might have horrified some older relatives but I felt strongly about it.

 

[redlemonade]

That would drive me up a wall too, honestly. I changed my name since I wanted a family name and figured it was easiest to do it now. A friend who got married several years ago just recently changed her name when she got pregnant and it was a much bigger hassle for her. So I have no problem being addressed as Mrs Smith but I'd be bothered by Mrs John Smith. (That makes think of my grandmother's old cookbooks where they'd have a paragraph before the recipe saying things like "Mrs Fred Jones of Dayton, OH makes this roast for her husband every Friday night".)

I think I didn't do it properly but when I addressed my wedding invites I did them "Mrs Jane and Mr John Smith" for this very reason. I couldn't imagine leaving off the names of my female friends. I might have horrified some older relatives but I felt strongly about it.

Lol at your grandmothers cookbooks!

I much prefer your way of addressing envelopes Etiquette has changed a lot but you're right, some people are horrified by this change.

 

[Amy92x]

I personally don't have a problem with being sent correspondence addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Mark McAllister as the alternative would (IMO) make it sound as if we weren't married and would also be quite lengthy for an envelope etc...

If you don't like it though then I'd just tell them you'd rather have your name displayed as well as your husband's.

 

[MissRhead]

tbh i just write first names, i find it pretty impersonal to write mr and mrs surname on cards, if im posting it i write both names and surname on the envelope x

 

[Harveysmum369]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

 

[redlemonade]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

 

[Harveysmum369]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

 

[redlemonade]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

 

[Harveysmum369]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

Then why bother getting married??If you didn't want people to assume you didn't mind etiquette,then you should have kept your own name..

 

[lilyd]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

Then why bother getting married??If you didn't want people to assume you didn't mind etiquette,then you should have kept your own name..

I think this is the bit that I don't really get. Whist I understand the desire to have a family name, I don't see changing your name as being any less 'old fashioned' than the issue that OP is complaining about.

 

[Natsku]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

Then why bother getting married??If you didn't want people to assume you didn't mind etiquette,then you should have kept your own name..

I think this is the bit that I don't really get. Whist I understand the desire to have a family name, I don't see changing your name as being any less 'old fashioned' than the issue that OP is complaining about.

Because she only changed her last name, not her first name.

 

[Harveysmum369]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

Then why bother getting married??If you didn't want people to assume you didn't mind etiquette,then you should have kept your own name..

I think this is the bit that I don't really get. Whist I understand the desire to have a family name, I don't see changing your name as being any less 'old fashioned' than the issue that OP is complaining about.

Because she only changed her last name, not her first name.

Fair enough if people were calling her,her 'title' to her face..but it was written..thats all..

 

[Natsku]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

Then why bother getting married??If you didn't want people to assume you didn't mind etiquette,then you should have kept your own name..

I think this is the bit that I don't really get. Whist I understand the desire to have a family name, I don't see changing your name as being any less 'old fashioned' than the issue that OP is complaining about.

Because she only changed her last name, not her first name.

Fair enough if people were calling her,her 'title' to her face..but it was written..thats all..

Its still referring to her by her husband's name though, even though its in writing rather than to her face. Clearly thats enough to annoy her.

 

[R_x]

It's not referring to her as her husbands name, mr and mrs first name last name is TWO people. It's his first name not hers and no one is saying it is hers

 

[Yo_Yo]

To be honest, I hadn't even thought about it until your post.

Doesn't bother me personally.

 

[lilyd]

It's the correct way,and like it or not,it is your 'official' title...our vicar sent us an anniversary card to 'Mr&Mrs Dean Chapman'..its just a name on an envelope...fair enough if they didn't call you by your name to your face..but its just written,and I agree with the previous poster who said your mum mostly likely enjoyed writing it..

That's incorrect. Many married women eschew the title 'mrs' in favour of 'ms'. Many others have other titles such as 'dr'. Sheesh!

Then why bother making such a fuss?it's not your identity taken away,its just old fashioned etiquette..

'Just old fashioned etiquette' is just as you described - old fashioned. It's outdated. Old fashioned etiquette was borne out of sexism. Many modern women don't like this.

Then why bother getting married??If you didn't want people to assume you didn't mind etiquette,then you should have kept your own name..

I think this is the bit that I don't really get. Whist I understand the desire to have a family name, I don't see changing your name as being any less 'old fashioned' than the issue that OP is complaining about.

Because she only changed her last name, not her first name.

I get that, but changing your name to take on your husbands name is just as old fashioned as addressing somebody as Mrs John Smith?

I do understand why the OP chose to change her surname, but it does get a bit confusing when some 'old fashioned' ways are acceptable and others aren't.