How long to wait?

[Alyssa Drough]

I'm 30 years old, had my first baby in January.

I always wanted 2 children.

How do people cope with more than one?! I think my DD is a fairly easy baby but it's still stressful and I couldn't imagine doing all this again AND having a toddler or young child to deal with as well!

My main question is - what is a good age gap?

A lot of people say knock em out quick, but my logic would be wait until the first child is a bit older so they can look after themselves a bit more. Like 4 or 5 years old. Surely it would be easier to look after a newborn while the older child is in school for the day?

I also need to convince my OH!

Help!

 

[callmedan]

im planning on having 4 or 5 children (hopefully!) and planning on spacing them about 2 years apart (born 2 years apart not wait till they are 2 to start TTC)
I think its nice to have a close age gap, it might be quite difficult when they are young but children start school at 3 so its not like it will be all the time!
if you feel you can cope with another one then i say go for it! even if you got pregnant now straight away your DD would be 15 months old when the new baby is born

 

[Pearls18]

Children start school at 5 in England, pre school starts at 3 but is only 15 hours a week term time.

We went for a 3 year gap for the reasons you mention, I wanted to there to be a certain level of independence before going back to the newborn stage which I find tough, I also wanted plenty of time with DS1 and by the time I had DS2 he had his 15 free hours so we could send him to nursery 2 days a week while I'm on maternity leave giving me time with baby and he loves nursery also. It also makes it more financially viable for me to return to work as I'm not paying for 2 in daycare for long or at full price.

I have not found the jump from 1 to 2 difficult at all, DS2 hasn't been an easy baby as he has only just started sleeping ok at 6 months and wasn't a great feeder, but the fact I didn't have to be running around after DS1 constantly really helped, and in fact he's quite helpful getting stuff for me while I BF etc lol. I didn't want a bigger gap as I wanted them to be close enough in age to have things in common, hopefully be playmates if they like each other lol and I didn't want to feel too much like I was starting all over again, but anything smaller I think I would have found tougher especially as my husband works away from time to time.

I really like our age gap so I always like to pipe up on these threads as I know 2 year gaps are very popular so I just like to give my experience with mine (I had the same with my brother also) but you will work with what you've got and there's pros and cons to all age gaps, it's finding the compromise best to you

 

[luvmyfam]

What I have come to find is that the best age gap is what is best for you and your family! Some people like 18 months others 2-2.5 and others more. I had my boys 2.5 years apart and everyone said "thats perfect!" but for me it was a little rough and I think it was hard on DS 1. We decided after DS 2 was born that we would like to have a third and at that time I told DH that I would have to wait until our youngest is at least 3 to TTC because my second pregnancy itself was pretty hard to deal with having a very active 2 year old. DH was fine with waiting longer and now that DS 2 is going to be 3 this Nov. we recently discussed TTC again and we decided together that we are actually going to wait another year so my boys will probably be 5 and 7 by the time we have our third. It's just what is right for us even though the reaction I get from lots of women is "thats such a huge gap". You just have to do what is right for you and your family.

 

[Eleanor ace]

I have a 21 month age gap and it's been no bother having a 2nd. At first it was tricky, getting used to having a littel baby again and I was pretty knackered but now it's not really much more work than having 1. I am tempted by a bigger age gap for number 3, like 3 years so that DD will be in nursery for a few hours a week and I can have 1:1 time with LO, but then I want them to be closer in age so they can play together more easily and sooner... it's tough!

 

[CaliDreaming]

Yeah, having a baby and toddler at the same time is really tough, but people do it because once the kids are out of the toddler stage it becomes a lot easier and you have adorable kids who do everything together. You've also gotten all of the hard parts out of the way in one fell swoop.

We originally wanted less than a 2 year gap but we had trouble conceiving and ended up with a 3 year gap. Turns out we are really loving the 3 year gap for all the reasons MarineWag mentioned and so we are going for another 3 year gap for our third and last child.

I'm actually quite relieved that I did not get the less than 2 year gap that I had wanted because I think it would have been hell on me and our eldest dd. Maybe if I were able to be a SAHM for a couple of years I could have pulled it out, but I think we wouldn't have fared well since I have to work full time and only get 12 weeks maternity leave.

If your hubby is wanting a small age gap, then a 3 year gap is a good compromise because at 3 they're just starting to break away and be more independent, but they're also still close enough in age to enjoy the same activities.

But I think you're right that you would be happier with a 4 or 5 year gap based on the concerns you posted. I was taking with a couple of my aunts about how hard it is to manage two kids, and they didn't know what I was talking about. Both of them had 5 year gaps between their two kids so it wasn't tough for them at all to adjust.

Good luck making your decision.

 

[LockandKey]

My first was 2 years and 3 months, so that's a 27 month age gap, and to be honest it's been fairly easy on me, I've found adding in my 2nd child was a far easier adjustment than going from 0 to 1 to be honest.

With my daughter being over the age of 2, she is old enough to understand simple instructions and do a few things for herself, she can ask for things or communicate better what she wants or needs and is more at an independent stage that she can play by herself for a bit while I take care of her brother, she is even willing to help me with the baby, was curious enough that she wanted to help me out. It's worked out perfectly for us.

 

[staralfur]

My LO is still allllll about mama, and she's still nursing, so it seems absolutely inconceivable to me to be pregnant with another child yet, let alone actually having one physically present! I think I'm perfectly happy with a 4-5 year gap, for the reasons that you've said. Kids here don't get any school time until the September after they turn 5 (so mine will be 5.5). You can of course choose to send them to preschool but it costs and arm and a leg. My DH and his sister are a little over 5 years apart and they're super close, so I'm not too fussed about the age gap in that sense.

I also can't rely on my 2 year old to STTN consistently yet, so no way am I interested in waking up with two kiddos during the night.

I admittedly had a very high needs baby and now have a very spirited toddler so that shapes my opinion A LOT. Before she was born I was all gung-ho to pop out another one 2 years later.

 

[ItsJana]

My two daughters are 16 months apart, it was a surprise to DH and I, but it all worked out great, they are best buddies. They are now 4 and 5 yrs old and when this 3rd baby arrives they will both be in elementary school. I'm actually more scared because I'll have a new born that will more than likely be up multiple times throughout the night and I'll still have to wake up early to get my daughters ready for school. Before I could sleep in, now I have to follow their schedule and the new baby's schedule. All I can think of is

 

[CaliDreaming]

Everyone has brought up a good point about the eldest child's personality. My little girl was a very easy baby who grew into a very spirited, high maintenance toddler. Meeting her demands and a newborn baby's would have been very difficult before she turned at least 3 years old. If the eldest child is more mild mannered and laid back, then I could see how having 2 under 2 would not be that big of a deal.