How often does your OH go out with friends (without you)?

[greenpear]

Hi all,

Just curious whether this is typical or not. My husband goes out at least once a week drinking/hanging out with friends (sometimes two times), plus he goes to the gym around 3 times a week. I told him that I have no problem with him going to see friends provided that he gives me heads up that he's going out, and comes back at reasonable time (by midnight, not at 3 am stumbling around). The thing is also he works and is in school and is busy with both. I also work but when I get home I end up taking care of LO as well as all the household stuff unless I specifically ask him to help me with something as usually in the evening he's busy with school work or catching up on work. When LO does go to bed, he's either in the gym or with friends and it seems that lately there aren't too many evenings that we spend together. So I had a talk about him balancing a bit better and not just focusing on friends and gym but also on us (my daughter and me). He agreed but now has been dishonest about going out, saying that classes ran late, his phone died etc, while I'm sitting at home worried that something happened to him.

Long story short, to me it doesn't seem acceptable that as a married man with a 22 month old and a pregnant wife he spends so little time as part of the family and so much time on his own time. I do understand the need for having alone time/friend time and we talked about it being a balance but now instead of being honest he's been lying

Soo...I'm just wondering, do your significant others go out often as well (and you can't join them because you take care of your kids as baby sitting options are limited)? How often and is it a man thing and I'm making a big deal or is this valid thing to be upset over?

I'm asking this as in my family (my parents) my dad doesn't have a habit of going out with friends alone and certainly didn't when we were little. Usually family went together or parents went together so I grew up with idea that when you are married it's more normal to stay in or go to gatherings together...

thanks for reading

 

[kimmy04]

I'm sorry you are going through this! My now DH, was like that when I was pregnant with my son 3 years ago. We were not married at the time, and we were both very young (19 and 21). Pregnancy was not planned at all, but we decided to make things work and move in together to raise him. While I was pregnant my whole life changed - I stopped going out and drinking, started preparing for baby and eating healthier and doing everything right. He went out all the time, went to the gym every day, got drunk every weekend and started smoking again behind my back. He would stumble home at 3 am and ignore my calls. Things were so bad I didn't know what to do, I had no family in town and not much money saved.

Fast forward 3 years and he is the most devoted father and we are expecting number 2. He had a lot of growing up to do and it took him longer than it took me but he did it and now he's amazing. I'd say he hangs out with friends once a month with out me, and it's usually to do something during the day on a weekend like dirt biking, fishing etc. We are still young and his friends still drink and smoke but he never smokes anymore and doesn't drink often. If he does drink, it's when he invites his friends to our house on a weekend night and I ask they usually be gone by 1 am. He still goes to the gym a couple times a week but he always helps out when he gets home by doing dishes, putting our son to bed or whatever. The rest of the week he comes home and spends all his time with our son, and on weekends he makes sure to always take him to do something fun.

I think it's important for him to still have those times with his friends to feel young, but it's also important to make sure he's making you feel like family comes first. If I were you I would call him out on his lies, and try having another talk with him. It won't happen over night, but don't back down because you shouldn't be his second priority. Family should always come first!

 

[Hoping4Four]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, lying is absolutely not acceptable behaviour

Maybe this is unusual, but my DH rarely goes out. He goes to the cinema once, maybe twice a month.. And doesn't really drink so doesn't like going out with guys from work because they're all obsessed with getting drunk. He'd rather relax by playing his playstation in the evenings when the kids go to bed, which I'm fine with. He stays happy and I still get to spend time with him. I wouldn't mind him going out every now and again but it would annoy me (and probably make me jealous!) if he regularly went out and left me alone with the kids.

I should add that when he was younger he used to go out every week at least. He says he now feels "bored" of going out drinking and would rather stay at home. I'm the same way if I'm honest.. I'm certainly not a party girl!!

 

[Jinga]

Neither my husband or I are going out people, so we don't have the desire to stay out late with other people. He does play tennis and soccer and typically plays one or the other once a week or every other week. There are some days it's annoying to have him go off for a couple hours after work, but I know it's important for him to have this time to play sports since he loves them so much. Thankfully, he encourages me to go out and do things I enjoy too. If we go to the gym, we typically go together and use the gym babysitting service for our son. I would be very upset if he was frequently going out without us or lying about it. You definitely need balance and limits.

 

[greenpear]

Thank you for responding. That's the thing - I'm all for having him have his gym time, his friend time but also family time too. I know he is busy with school and work but I'm busy with work, house and kid. When I see friends I try to do it so it doesn't interfere with our family life. When I ask him to help out more or hang out with me and LO he does, but always follows with saying how stressed out he is as he's behind school/work and he never has time for anything...yet has time for gym and friends. What hurts the most is lying though because I caught him before few times and we had a long talks about it and each time it's been harder and harder for me to trust when he says things. I'm worried that I'm catching him on these little things but what about big things? I told him about trust/honesty and how there may be a point where I won't trust him at all and I don't think he's seriously understanding. I tried talking to him about couples counseling but he's opposed to idea. I just feel really betrayed because I thought that we are past lying and last night catching him just hurt me so much I spent half the night crying.

 

[fifie123]

Mine goes out 2wice a week and does drugs hes a fucking dick I hate him

 

[MamaLa]

When we first found out that we were pregnant I felt like my boyfriend didn't want me around, and he was drinking every weekend. He stopped inviting me out with his friends, we would go out to eat, but would mainly hang around the house. But now (im 14 +3) he's been bringing me out to hang with friends (unless they are drinking) ,and we're always out to his families house.

 

[greenpear]

Mine goes out 2wice a week and does drugs hes a fucking dick I hate him

Oh God I'm sorry to hear that

 

[greenpear]

When we first found out that we were pregnant I felt like my boyfriend didn't want me around, and he was drinking every weekend. He stopped inviting me out with his friends, we would go out to eat, but would mainly hang around the house. But now (im 14 +3) he's been bringing me out to hang with friends (unless they are drinking) ,and we're always out to his families house.

it's good he's including you. Hopefully this won't keep happening (him out all the time) when baby comes….because that's when problems started for us.

 

[MeeOhMya]

My husband plays poker every Thursday night and that's his idea of "going out". Sometimes he goes out on the weekends with his friends but if he does that, he makes sure not to play poker that week. So he averages about one night a week out which is fine with me. I think it's fair that he gets one night to himself since he works a lot and he's also very understanding when I want him home because we miss him Hope things get better!

 

[SRTBaby]

DH never goes out alone with friends, before DS was born he would watch a game once a month at his brothers house but once Ds was born that stopped, he spends every free time with DS, I go out for dinner with friends 3 times a year and he goes fishing for 2-3 days with his brothers once a year and that is it for us. Everything else we do it as a family.

 

[greenpear]

It sounds like majority of your partners understand family priorities. I respect my OH needing time to himself I just wish

1) he would balance better and spend more time with LO

2) he wouldn't LIE about being out with friends. This is the worst for me

 

[tropicsgirl]

My DH goes out to see friends about twice a week and comes home by 10 or 11 pm. Sometimes he has his friend come over to our place. But he's never lied...I think it becomes a problem if they start to lie. I'd talk with your DH and explain you'd rather have him be honest with you than lie. He probably just doesn't want to fight with you about it...My dh got annoyed if I ever complained to him about hanging out with friends too much.
Maybe he's just thinking he needs to hang out with friends as much as he can before the baby comes because then he won't be able to? That's my DH's thinking haha which is annoying sometimes...but I think it's typical. Hopefully when the baby arrives he'll be around more! good luck!

 

[MamaLa]

When we first found out that we were pregnant I felt like my boyfriend didn't want me around, and he was drinking every weekend. He stopped inviting me out with his friends, we would go out to eat, but would mainly hang around the house. But now (im 14 +3) he's been bringing me out to hang with friends (unless they are drinking) ,and we're always out to his families house.

it's good he's including you. Hopefully this won't keep happening (him out all the time) when baby comes….because that's when problems started for us.

I agree with you. I'm in the same boat. Lol. He already told me that he wasn't going to hold the baby until it gets bigger. I was like whaaaat. Lol. But then he told me he's just scared that he'll drop the baby, or hurt it. I guess he's having first time parent Jitters. Lol. I am too. But I'm glad my mom will be there to help us out. And my fear is that as soon as I start showing I'll be trapped in the house again.

 

[leash27]

My DH and myself don't really drink very often so we have never really been the going out and getting hammered type, not since we were students anyway. I would say he goes out every couple of months with the lads from work but it's always arranged weeks in advance and he is home by 12am entirely because he wants to be and not because I ask him to.

We both work full time in quite stressful jobs so we do tend to make the most of any family time we get together. If he started going out every weekend drinking and rolling in at 3am I would not be pleased!

X

 

[MummyToAmberx]

My hubby goes out 1-2 times a year.

He works such long hours so time we get all spent as a family.

When grandparents take the kids on weekend we always go out together as its only time we get alone but we are like best friends.

 

[bananabump]

I'm quite lucky as my husband only goes out once or twice a month! He doesn't go to the gym or anything but he does go to the football every couple of weeks. He works 6-2/Tues - Sat but apart from that is with us xx

 

[calm]

My husband never goes out without me, or me without him. I suppose it depends on your personality, lifestyle and relationship. Its fine to have time out with friends without your OH, but if one feels neglected then obviously its not on and it needs addressing or a lot of bitterness and unhappiness will damage the relationship XXXX (and yes, if I was in your shoes I would be very upset and disappointed in my DH)

 

[lilmonkey86]

My DH literally never goes anywhere with out me, we are like best friends and spend all of our free time together, I would be really annoyed if I was expected to be home all the time when not working and he was going out with friends, it's not unreasonable to expect your DH to be home with his family. and the lying would be the tip[ping point for me. He lost his ability to be a single care free guy when he decided to start a family.

 

[messica]

At this point it sounds like you've given him the benefit of the doubt and tip toed around the issues long enough. I think it's time you get TICKED and put your foot down about the things that are hurting you - the lying in particular!

It really doesn't matter how often anyone else's partner goes out, what matters is that there is a lack of balance and he is being dishonest about that now. If what's going on now doesn't work for you, it just plain doesn't work. It really doesn't matter if others can make it work in their lives or not, it doesn't work for YOU.

I'd light mine up if I was being disrespected that way and demand things change immediately. Imo you've been far too nice and it sounds like he's taking complete advantage of that! He might as well be giving you the finger with the way he's chosen to respond to your concerns - time to give it right back!!!