How often does your OH go out with friends (without you)?

[Rickles]

My OH is out with work a fair bit, and travels with an overnight stay abroad at least every fortnight. He also plays tennis which for a club match is usually 1 - 4.30pm on a weekend. He's leave early in the morning to go to the gym.

TBH at times I have got a bit fed up but then I decided I just needed more "me" time to feel less aggrieved by it. I now meet up with a girlfriend for dinner / coffee / lunch at least once a week. If it's a weekend often I will be gone from 11 - 3pm and I am often out one or two nights week, not drinking(!) but at book clubs / friend's houses etc. OH has encouraged it, is more than happy to look after DD. We both know that when baby arrives things will change but I feel a bit better knowing I'm not always the one who is left holding the baby.

So tbh, I'd start organising your own life and worry less about what he's doing. Don't get me wrong, lying is shit and inexcusable... but if you can't afford a babysitter, get him to start looking after LO for you and you will resent him less. xx

 

[greenpear]

Thanks all for the input.

I had a long think yesterday and talked to my sis, and definitely the biggest problem is lying. It's obvious that he and I have different idea of what family is like, and I've been trying to adjust and let go of some of my expectations and give him freedom, at the same time when he started abusing it I let him know that he needs to step up and find a better balance because lately it's too much "me" and not enough "us". That's when lying started up again. He lied to me a few times before and I told him that it's a big problem because while I'm willing to adjust other things I'm not willing to compromise my values and integrity. I think this will be a final talk/warning. I also think I'll suggest he needs help to address his lying. If he's willing to get help and stop lying then I think we'll be ok working things out and balancing both of our needs. If he refuses or keeps lying we'll have big problems indeed

 

[leahtaba]

My OH used to do the whole disapear drinking three times a week and lie about were he was etc when I was pregnant with my DD. It got worse for a little bit after she was born as well but now he has grown up a lot and only goes out about once a month and spends lots of time with us as a family. I would be so annoyed if I was you... It's not fair he's not pulling his weight with your LO while you are working and pregnant.

I hope he listens when you talk to him again about this

 

[mixedmama]

Try to arrange date nights or family days out if you can? Have you proactively arranged anything?

OH sees his friends regularly, but in terms of 'going out' with them I'd say 2-3 times a month, sometimes more/less depending on which month it is (i.e. birthdays/events).

He also goes to the gym/plays football a few times a week. I don't mind him going out that much as we try to do things as a couple/family as often as we can too. He has been a bit more 'at home' since expecting number 2 but tbh I sometimes prefer my own space

 

[xxxLeoxxx]

Hi all,

Just curious whether this is typical or not. My husband goes out at least once a week drinking/hanging out with friends (sometimes two times), plus he goes to the gym around 3 times a week. I told him that I have no problem with him going to see friends provided that he gives me heads up that he's going out, and comes back at reasonable time (by midnight, not at 3 am stumbling around). The thing is also he works and is in school and is busy with both. I also work but when I get home I end up taking care of LO as well as all the household stuff unless I specifically ask him to help me with something as usually in the evening he's busy with school work or catching up on work. When LO does go to bed, he's either in the gym or with friends and it seems that lately there aren't too many evenings that we spend together. So I had a talk about him balancing a bit better and not just focusing on friends and gym but also on us (my daughter and me). He agreed but now has been dishonest about going out, saying that classes ran late, his phone died etc, while I'm sitting at home worried that something happened to him.

Long story short, to me it doesn't seem acceptable that as a married man with a 22 month old and a pregnant wife he spends so little time as part of the family and so much time on his own time. I do understand the need for having alone time/friend time and we talked about it being a balance but now instead of being honest he's been lying

Soo...I'm just wondering, do your significant others go out often as well (and you can't join them because you take care of your kids as baby sitting options are limited)? How often and is it a man thing and I'm making a big deal or is this valid thing to be upset over?

I'm asking this as in my family (my parents) my dad doesn't have a habit of going out with friends alone and certainly didn't when we were little. Usually family went together or parents went together so I grew up with idea that when you are married it's more normal to stay in or go to gatherings together...

thanks for reading

I really felt for you reading this. Having a toddler is hard work and having a newborn and a toddler will be even more hard work; it seems like you don't get much support from your DH. Why does he get so much time for himself? Fair enough if that's what he did before you had children but things change when you have babies and that shouldn't just apply to you because you are the mother.

What would he do if you wanted to go out with your friends twice a week and go to the gym twice a week?

 

[greenpear]

We try to do family things and friends and family type of things as well as his own thing and sometimes my own thing. I don't mind when it's balanced, but then he starts complaining that he is falling behind school and work. So when I cut some family time to make time for his school/work all of a sudden he has time for to fill those "slots" in with friends and more gym (that's on top of his regular gym/friend time). When I point out to him that it seems that lately there's a lot of gym/friend time but little family/help me with LO and house time then he resorts to lying. Lying is the problem but I hope that talking to him about getting help will be the first step. If I can get him to stop lying and to start trusting him again (as i have really hard time right now) then we can work on balance thing as that is a lesser problem for me than lying

 

[greenpear]

Hi all,

Just curious whether this is typical or not. My husband goes out at least once a week drinking/hanging out with friends (sometimes two times), plus he goes to the gym around 3 times a week. I told him that I have no problem with him going to see friends provided that he gives me heads up that he's going out, and comes back at reasonable time (by midnight, not at 3 am stumbling around). The thing is also he works and is in school and is busy with both. I also work but when I get home I end up taking care of LO as well as all the household stuff unless I specifically ask him to help me with something as usually in the evening he's busy with school work or catching up on work. When LO does go to bed, he's either in the gym or with friends and it seems that lately there aren't too many evenings that we spend together. So I had a talk about him balancing a bit better and not just focusing on friends and gym but also on us (my daughter and me). He agreed but now has been dishonest about going out, saying that classes ran late, his phone died etc, while I'm sitting at home worried that something happened to him.

Long story short, to me it doesn't seem acceptable that as a married man with a 22 month old and a pregnant wife he spends so little time as part of the family and so much time on his own time. I do understand the need for having alone time/friend time and we talked about it being a balance but now instead of being honest he's been lying

Soo...I'm just wondering, do your significant others go out often as well (and you can't join them because you take care of your kids as baby sitting options are limited)? How often and is it a man thing and I'm making a big deal or is this valid thing to be upset over?

I'm asking this as in my family (my parents) my dad doesn't have a habit of going out with friends alone and certainly didn't when we were little. Usually family went together or parents went together so I grew up with idea that when you are married it's more normal to stay in or go to gatherings together...

thanks for reading

I really felt for you reading this. Having a toddler is hard work and having a newborn and a toddler will be even more hard work; it seems like you don't get much support from your DH. Why does he get so much time for himself? Fair enough if that's what he did before you had children but things change when you have babies and that shouldn't just apply to you because you are the mother.

What would he do if you wanted to go out with your friends twice a week and go to the gym twice a week?

He would complain how he has no time to do school work and work (he works from home) as he has to mind LO instead of me . I do manage to meet up with friends here and there (usually when LO is in day care during the day on my days off as I did recently cut my hrs. He doesn't mind then because it's not interfering with "his" time

 

[xxxLeoxxx]

That's not fair on you at all - he obviously has some spare time if he manages to do his own thing 5 times a week. It sounds like he's just wanting to carry on with his old life and let you pick up the extra load that having kids brings.

Will he be expecting to retain his 'me' time when your new baby comes?!

 

[Tigerlily01]

This would be unacceptable to me. I don't have kids yet, but even so, OH rarely goes out without me, and when he does, it's not because I'm not invited, it's because he has a hobby or two I don't share, and I like for him to be able to do them sometimes...and I generally make plans for those nights with other friends. There is always balance, even though he works and is in school as well (and is required to maintain fitness for his job--ie. gym is a necessity). I understand the need to unwind when he has a particularly busy/stressful week, so a beer with the guys before he comes home is ok with me once in a while, but it's not a regular thing and I always know in advance. And I do pick up more of the 'home' stuff on weeks when he legitimately has too much to do and I don't, but we make sure that doesn't happen often.

Have you considered couples counseling? Can his workouts be done at home (ie. jogging stroller--not sure how old your LO is, if older, he could run while she bikes, or run in the neighborhood so he gets home quicker, or lift weights at home, etc) so you see each other more? Can his 'guy' time happen at home (ie. invite the guys and maybe their significant others over for a beer, pizza, BBQ, some activity, etc that would be ok around your LO and you could be involved in as well)? There's no rule that says he can only hang out with friends at a bar.

It sounds like he's being pretty selfish, honestly. He should be able to find ways to unwind that don't involve lying or being away from home so much.

 

[greenpear]

That's not fair on you at all - he obviously has some spare time if he manages to do his own thing 5 times a week. It sounds like he's just wanting to carry on with his old life and let you pick up the extra load that having kids brings.

Will he be expecting to retain his 'me' time when your new baby comes?!

I think he will and you are exactly right - he is trying to keep his old life style going. I don't know what needs to happen for him to understand that his life needs to change - at least a little

 

[greenpear]

This would be unacceptable to me. I don't have kids yet, but even so, OH rarely goes out without me, and when he does, it's not because I'm not invited, it's because he has a hobby or two I don't share, and I like for him to be able to do them sometimes...and I generally make plans for those nights with other friends. There is always balance, even though he works and is in school as well (and is required to maintain fitness for his job--ie. gym is a necessity). I understand the need to unwind when he has a particularly busy/stressful week, so a beer with the guys before he comes home is ok with me once in a while, but it's not a regular thing and I always know in advance. And I do pick up more of the 'home' stuff on weeks when he legitimately has too much to do and I don't, but we make sure that doesn't happen often.

Have you considered couples counseling? Can his workouts be done at home (ie. jogging stroller--not sure how old your LO is, if older, he could run while she bikes, or run in the neighborhood so he gets home quicker, or lift weights at home, etc) so you see each other more? Can his 'guy' time happen at home (ie. invite the guys and maybe their significant others over for a beer, pizza, BBQ, some activity, etc that would be ok around your LO and you could be involved in as well)? There's no rule that says he can only hang out with friends at a bar.

It sounds like he's being pretty selfish, honestly. He should be able to find ways to unwind that don't involve lying or being away from home so much.

I did talk to him about couples counselling. He refused.

 

[Tigerlily01]

I did talk to him about couples counselling. He refused.

Not to sound harsh, but if he can't be bothered to work on this with you (or even acknowledge there is a problem), then he doesn't deserve to have you or your children in his life. What he is doing shows a lack of responsibility and a lack of caring. So sorry you are going through this!

 

[Dwee]

Totally agree. My OH has been out drinking, hanging out with a group of loadsa single chicks his mate picked up somewhere. Saying he has no money for baby yet he's always out drinking.

I dumped his ass coz I decided actions speak so much louder than words. . . . He still isn't bothered. I just feel sorry for my unborn baby. I've let her down for choosing to have a baby with such a butt.

 

[vickyandchick]

Before I fell pregnant he used to go the gym 2/3 nights a week, but not every week, which was fine with me as I'd rather sit at home with a glass of wine and a girly film
He'd occasionally go out for a lads night to a club or just to a pub, maybe twice one month and then nothing the next, most times he'd ask if I wanted to come but I always said no as I was always happy for him to go out without me. I used to go on girls nights/days without him so there was always a happy balance. We used to spend our evenings and weekend's together, whether by ourselves or with others.
However that was when we used to live in London so we were close to all his friends and family.
When we moved up here and I fell pregnant things changed as his new job meant he worked 6 days a week from 8.30-7pm so was always too tired to do stuff, this meant we only spent 1 day a week together and he never went out. Then instead of spending time with me and talking to me about his day he was always on the phone to people from work and I got ignored. He was CONSTANTLY talking to some girl from work and went on a night out with her, her sister and another guy from work where he spent £100!! Then her bloody sister started texting him and I lost it and said it was out of order that he'd ignore me and speak to all these other women whilst I'm pregnant with his baby and doing everything for him. We broke up not that long ago and he's now behaving like a knob.
Tbh we were happier when he was out more as he didn't feel so lonely and there was a balance for the two of us.

You're not out of line for feeling upset, if I was in your situation I would be too. Can you try setting date nights once or twice a month or planning to do things as a family? I understand he's busy with work and school but he's made a commitment to you and your family and lying so he can do what he wants is unacceptable.

 

[Johnsa37]

To be honest, it is rare for my husband to go out with friends without me. He always invites me, and I usually go since I like his friends and have fun with them. My husband does play golf and hockey though, so he goes to those activities without me.

 

[modified]

I think he will and you are exactly right - he is trying to keep his old life style going. I don't know what needs to happen for him to understand that his life needs to change - at least a little

I did talk to him about couples counselling. He refused.

Kick him to the curb.

I've been having serious relationship issues since I was 15 weeks pregnant. We split up for 2 weeks and then got back together. When we got back together, the "freedom" in those 2 weeks had given him a taste for it. He was making plans with me then going and getting so drunk the night before that he didn't get out of bed until 5pm, scuppering our plans. He was going out drinking as and when he wanted with no consideration on me and he completely forgot that he was a married man with a child on the way. He was living the life of a single bachelor and giving me hell when I told him he can't live that way anymore. It culminated in a "well, I'm doing it this way and that's how it is" fight from him and I told him to get out. We broke up again. When he was gone, I told him if he gets help, I will support him.

He didn't reply to that message for a few hours - I woke up to a long, rambling message from him the next day about how he hadn't been able to sleep for thinking about, and being utterly ashamed of, how had been behaving. He agreed to get help because I showed him that his behaviour has to change or he's out of here for good.

It took me a long while to get up the courage to leave him but it's the best thing I could have done for our relationship. If I carried on with the way things were, we might have lasted a few more years... but I would be horrendously, awfully unhappy.

Be strong

Until that 2 weeks of freedom, my husband never went out... his main hobby is building computers and playing computer games. Oh, and skating. But he never even went out to do that... Since that first break up at 15 weeks, we've been living apart and he's spent time at his doing his computer stuff but I am always welcome. He is here a lot, too. When we move back home, it will probably be the same - he'll have his computer stuff, I'll have my stuff. Both hobbies can be done from home. I'll encourage him to go out skating and to see friends but there has to be a compromise... his skating friends live in Glasgow. That was the time he ended up sleeping until 5pm and ruining the plans we'd made. Well, especially now we're a family I don't think that is near appropriate. If he wants to go through to Glasgow, he can but I will need some notice (he only told me 1hr before leaving) and it won't be an overnight stay.

His behaviour after his freedom when he was drunk was disgusting - one of the other conditions of us working through this was that he stop drinking because it changes him into a very scary man. So he won't be out drinking but, if he does go out with friends, I won't put up with 3/4/5am returns home. It's just not fair - we'll both be parents, we both have responsibility. It's not all on me like it should not all be on you.

 

[bumpbear]

We only go out without each other very rarely if someone else organizes a girls night or boys night for a special occasion. We are in our thirties now and all of our friends are married/ with kids so we usually meet up as couples for dinners etc. Too old to be doing otherwise I suppose!

He goes out for work dinners quite often (perhaps a couple of times a month), but gets home between 10-midnight completely sober and spends the whole night while he is out texting me about how bored he is, so I actually feel sorry for him when he has to go.

He is generally home every evening to put LO to bed and goes to the gym on weekends whilst LO is napping.

I think it's healthy to spend time alone or with friends so long as there is a balance that everyone is happy with.

 

[Bex84]

Dh goes out maybe once a month and then he is usually back by 1 am. I dont like going out so its not an issue. He is just out with work and they are a nice group. He make sure saterday is family day. In the week he is usually doing paper work when gets home from work (joy of being teacher) but he always spends some time with me and lo to eat food and then looks after her while i have a bath and i bath her and he helps get her ready for bed. Neither of us are overly outgoing and dh shows us we come first. Even when he tutors on sunday he makes sure to get lunch so i dont have to cook

 

[Bex84]

Im sorry your oh has been lying and being an idiot

 

[Anniebobs]

My husband plays football twice a week and goes to the gym as often as he can, but fits it in around us. He sees his friends maybe once or twice a month (apart from football) but if I asked him not to go he would stay in. I think it's important to make time for friends too so if he sees his friends, I'll invite mine round (as I can't leave the house because dd would be in bed).

He's currently on a 4 day stag do in Eastern Europe and I can't wait to get him back. Absence sure does make you appreciate them more!