How to not offend?

[angel2010]

How do you ladies tell people (in conversation, not just throwing it out there) how you parent or about your birth choices without offending. For example, I hate saying "oh, we don't let Carter eat X" to friends because I feel like they will be like "oh, so we are bad parents because we do".
Once while talking with friends I mentioned that I was doing erf, then all of a sudden one of them was telling me all these reasons why they don't.
So far I haven't told any of my friends about my homebirth wishes. Basically I can't tell them any of my birth wishes (extended skin-to-skin, delayed cord clamping, etc) because I feel that they will look at me like I have a third eye.
I just wish people would understand that just because I do things this way or that doesn't mean I think they are bad. I really couldn't care how they do things. I just wish more people were as open minded and educated as women are on this forum.

 

[Jazavac]

I am not a parent yet, but I do struggle telling people how I do basically anything. More here in the US than I used to back home. It's mostly because I am, all of a sudden, surrounded with brand new people, most of which do not share my lifestyle.

People my husband and I really know get to hear really honest opinions. All others usually don't need to even know what we don't eat, where we don't go, where we shop... it just makes no sense. It's even odd enough that, say, I cook at home and that most of our meals are prepared from scratch.

When it comes to birth choices, I am fairly sure I won't even discuss that with anyone, other than closest family and friends (overseas). Here I actually struggle to find people I click with. :/

 

[angel2010]

omg

omg what?

 

[angel2010]

I am not a parent yet, but I do struggle telling people how I do basically anything. More here in the US than I used to back home. It's mostly because I am, all of a sudden, surrounded with brand new people, most of which do not share my lifestyle.

People my husband and I really know get to hear really honest opinions. All others usually don't need to even know what we don't eat, where we don't go, where we shop... it just makes no sense. It's even odd enough that, say, I cook at home and that most of our meals are prepared from scratch.

When it comes to birth choices, I am fairly sure I won't even discuss that with anyone, other than closest family and friends (overseas). Here I actually struggle to find people I click with. :/

Maybe it is just a US thing? I am not sure if any of my friends even know about things like delayed cord clamping. I can just imagine them saying "um, why would you want to do that?" and thinking I am some new age hippie or something.

BTW we have moved into this city about 4 months ago, so don't really have any super close friends.

 

[Blah11]

It's not a US thing, people here think I'm a bit odd for erf, extended bfing, homebirthing, delayed cord clamping, water birthing, cloth using etc. Lol. Personally, I don't care. If they get offended they obviously aren't secure with their own choices.

 

[RaspberryK]

Yeah people (including family and close friends) look at me like I have two heads a lot, I have decided I don't give a crap! Strangely it's the older generation (my Nana and her siblings and DH great aunts) who think I am making great choices, i.e. home birth, breastfeeding, reusable nappies.
I only tell people when they ask and I do wonder why they bother when they only want to hear what they think is the norm. I don't care about offending them as they don't seem to care about offending me.

x

 

[Kess]

Yeah people (including family and close friends) look at me like I have two heads a lot, I have decided I don't give a crap! Strangely it's the older generation (my Nana and her siblings and DH great aunts) who think I am making great choices, i.e. home birth, breastfeeding, reusable nappies.
I only tell people when they ask and I do wonder why they bother when they only want to hear what they think is the norm. I don't care about offending them as they don't seem to care about offending me.

x

I've found similar with the older generation with homebirth and cloth nappies, though my DH's Nan was scandalised that DH was there at the birth! Unfortunately, lots of older people in DH's family seem convinced I'll need to supplement with formula, but some of the slightly younger ones do too.


OP, I've found the phrase, "This works for us" useful.

 

[FeistyMom]

I have been trying to figure that out too - I had a very awkward conversation with a mom who was planning on having an epi and asked if I was, and I said no - going all natural. She got offended that I thought I was 'better' than she was or something, and I tried to explain no, that I'm just scared of needles

It is even worse with breastfeeding vs formula. My boss at work was formula fed, and even though I've successfully breastfed two DDs, she feels the need to bring up formula all the time! Like, 'I was formula fed, and I turned out just fine' and stuff like that. How many ways can you say 'yay for you - this is me' without sounding rude? I'll happily explain my choices if someone truly wants to know how I've arrived at these decisions, but that isn't what most people seem to want.

 

[NaturalMomma]

You know what, you're going to offend no matter what you do. You won't offend everyone. I am a super crunchy hippie mommy. Do not care what others think. I use to watch what I say, but now I don't. If we're going to talk about parenting, discipline, birthing, feeding, etc. I have every right to say how I do things just like everyone else. If they are offended they might have parenting insecruities or it might be a new idea that challenges what they already believe.

 

[sam#3]

im pretty up front and controversial so i generally dont care if i offend people with my choices!!!

 

[angel2010]

Thanks ladies. I just wish I could talk about it to friends IRL. I mean actually bring these things up myself without fear of them taking it the wrong way or thinking I am crazy. It is unfair that we can't just openly discuss how we parent/birth. I try to not care so much if I offend, but I can't help it. Another example, one friend was thinking about having a play group with the toddlers (of the mommy group I am in). What she wanted to do was have little objects on a table hidden in/under cool whip (whipped cream) and the kids would have to find the objects by feeling around in the cool whip with their hands. I felt bad telling her that I wasn't comfortable with Carter eating all that cool whip. Then she was like "oh come on, it's just a little cool whip".

 

[pester]

I know I will run into it with parenting issues once the little one is here. I totally hear you its so hard to say these are the reasons I'm doing XXX or don't want XXX in labor. Which are usually negatives. Don't want an drugs/epi because of xxx negative effects.

HOW on earth do you tell most people that without comming across like you if you had the drugs/epi than you made a bad choice... It really hard. I mostly avoid talking about it or I emphasize the affect on ME. Well I don't handle meds(I don't really have that much of an issue) well so am trying to avoid them and hoping to use other ways to deal. Makeing it about ME rather than the baby helps. "I" certainly care about both but it helps in conversations to make it more about me.

Its hard though. I do feel like I'm alone in the choices I'm making.

 

[xxembobxx]

I think a lot of it is probably ignorance. I didn't really know about ERF, BLW until I came on here. Previously I would have thought extended breast feeding and baby wearing was just for hippies but I'm seriously considering them next time.
It's the same with home birth, we are conditioned to go with what the medical people tell us. I have 4 children and it is only on my 5th and last pregnancy that I decided I want the birth I want NOT what the MW's think is best.
I guess it's all about confidence in your decisions. Most women who choose more natural options have probably researched their choices. I doubt "regular" mums have done so, they just go with what is considered the norm.

 

[angel2010]

I think a lot of it is probably ignorance. I didn't really know about ERF, BLW until I came on here. Previously I would have thought extended breast feeding and baby wearing was just for hippies but I'm seriously considering them next time.
It's the same with home birth, we are conditioned to go with what the medical people tell us. I have 4 children and it is only on my 5th and last pregnancy that I decided I want the birth I want NOT what the MW's think is best.
I guess it's all about confidence in your decisions. Most women who choose more natural options have probably researched their choices. I doubt "regular" mums have done so, they just go with what is considered the norm.

You are exactly right. I need to recommend bnb more, but I am just too selfish!

 

[jcg0506]

I'm going to risk sounding ignorant, but what does ERF stand for?

 

[angel2010]

Extended rear facing, in reference to carseats. You don't sound ignorant at all.

 

[Fuchsia1412]

I think if it's the case that you're talking to someone who's actually a friend (as opposed to an acquaintance who's not very close)and you want them to understand your reasons, perhaps start with one thing, and focus on it and why you want to do that thing...?explain all about it and so on... Breastfeeding is a controversial one, I can relate to that...in my head, I kind of want to say 'well..what are the reasons for NOT wanting to breastfeed..? why are you looking at me as though I have made the odd decision..?!" but as you've said, don't want to offend people, especially my friends...but you know what, it's hard to find someone you are completely on a level with, parenting wise..I have friends with whom I feel like you do, hippie one-eyed weirdo uptight monster..and with others, I feel that I am the one who isn't quite 'yummy' enough, for example those who have banned all telly whereas I quite like Charlie and Lola...

 

[Nosy_Cow]

My closest friend actually calls me a hippy! Just because I have different parenting opinions to her! I totally understand where you are coming from!

I was trying to explain to my dad (of all people) yesterday about ERF but I find it difficult because my brother is only 2 and isn't ERF. So I tried explaining we need a larger car (we only have a 3 door) so it's easier to get baby in and out of an ERF seat but he said why not just put it forward facing!? That's not the point I'm making!

Then BLW! OMG! How many people think I'm weird for BLW! The difference between Skye and her friend (2 months older TW) is huge! Skye sits and happily munches through a slice toast and some fruit whereas her friend will sit there being fed purees from a spoon staring at Skye wondering why he can't do that! The nursery are the worst for it! I've told them just give it to her and she'll eat till she's full but they are insisting she isn't eating enough! She's 7 months - she's not going to eat a full 2 course meal!

My home birth was perfect but just because Skye had a temperature problem everyone told me it was my fault for being selfish and having her a home. Would having her in hospital have made any difference? None whatsoever! She'd had still had the temperature problem! I had no pain relief and get told I'm mental - why? I didn't need the pain relief! Then you get people like my SIL who says she was only in labour for 1 hour and had no pain relief except when she was pushing she had gas and air. When in fact she was induced at 9am and didn't have baby till 1am the following morning (more than a 1 hour labour there?) and had gas and air so therefore DID have pain relief?!

I won't even mention the fact Skye is using her potty. People think I'm mental for even putting a 7 month on a potty!

Anyway I'm ranting on! What I do is stick with what you believe even if you feel like you offend. Use the "It works for us & baby!" line LOTS!

 

[Jazavac]

Like I said, I'm not even a parent yet, but I do face a lot of raised eyebrows and other reactions to what I do or say. So I guess it will continue once we have kids. But oh well.

We plan avoiding strollers. We'll likely own one, because my husband can't easily wear the baby, but for the most part it won't be used. I don't care for TV and am overall against keeping one on around kids, let alone for kids. I don't care for piles of plastic cheap toys (wooden is the way to go, as well as homemade). We cook our food from scratch, really almost all of it. A great deal of it is organic - this year we failed to find enough time for our garden, so we just try to buy as much as we can afford. We eat rarely any meat, and if we do, it's grass fed and local. That also raises questions because it is rotten spoiled and whatnot, because we spend all that money on one pound of meat a month.

But, like I said, with random people, I just don't care. I've found that it often is just a waste of my time if I try to explain. So 'We don't eat that.', 'We don't do that.' and similar things are the ways to go.

 

[xxembobxx]

but you know what, it's hard to find someone you are completely on a level with, parenting wise..I have friends with whom I feel like you do, hippie one-eyed weirdo uptight monster..and with others, I feel that I am the one who isn't quite 'yummy' enough, for example those who have banned all telly whereas I quite like Charlie and Lola...

I know the feeling
I have brought the children up in what is considered "the norm" but have totally changed my ideas 10 years later when I had LO. I now intend to breastfeed for quite a while whereas my older 3 was only for a few months. I suppose not having to rush back to work helps that decision though. I'm also going to babywear the next LO but again that's more practical as I can then feed and still be able to get up and go with LO as he will only be 18 months so still wanting a lot of mummy's time!
I always feel like I don't go far enough in natural parenting as there are 'yummy mummies' who are totally into it. I know it's an excuse as basically I'm lazy but with a family of 7 some things have to give!