How to not offend?

[lesbianlove]

i understand hun, im the only person in my extremely large family who has breastfed, and got weird looks and comments from all of them about how disgusting it was and how bottle feeding was so much easier, and then when i had my babies in a wrap it was oh the child will be clinging to u forevor u need to let them lie by themselves!!, and now me wanting a homebirth im somehow crazy and putting my baby at risk by not being in a hospital, i didnt even bother mentioning other things like what happens wi cord and placenta, and jsut keep my distance now as my family is majorly f'd up, as in my cousin is expecting her 4th baby which shes on benefits has never worked, but struggling to buy a £900 pram, and lookin down at me cos i bought second hand, and i do work bla i mstarting to rant here lol damn hormones

 

[kellyb]

I've been thinking about this same thing lately. It seems that every time someone asks me about my choices, I tell them that I will be going all natural (normal, is what I really want to say), but then I always feel the need to add some sort of disclaimer, like, "Maybe I'm just crazy," or "But we'll see." It's like I do it to make THEM feel better, or maybe it's because I don't want to start a debate or have an eyebrow raised at me. But you know what, I've had enough of doing that, and I'm not going to. If others get offended by my choices then that's totally a reflection of their OWN insecurities. I'm proud of the choices I make, so I should be able to freely speak of them. In the same way, if they are so proud of their choices, the same should be true. It's not like I go ranting about how poor I think some of their choices are. Anyhow, since this is my first, I'm looking so forward to going through childbirth so that I can finally be a full-fledged authority on the subject!

 

[angel2010]

I've been thinking about this same thing lately. It seems that every time someone asks me about my choices, I tell them that I will be going all natural (normal, is what I really want to say), but then I always feel the need to add some sort of disclaimer, like, "Maybe I'm just crazy," or "But we'll see." It's like I do it to make THEM feel better, or maybe it's because I don't want to start a debate or have an eyebrow raised at me. But you know what, I've had enough of doing that, and I'm not going to. If others get offended by my choices then that's totally a reflection of their OWN insecurities. I'm proud of the choices I make, so I should be able to freely speak of them. In the same way, if they are so proud of their choices, the same should be true. It's not like I go ranting about how poor I think some of their choices are. Anyhow, since this is my first, I'm looking so forward to going through childbirth so that I can finally be a full-fledged authority on the subject!

Yes, a disclaimer! I always feel like I have to add one. That is what I am getting at. It just really stinks we can't talk about our choices without feeling like we need a disclaimer.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

I think informed choices that aren't necessarily the 'norm' make some people feel uncomfortable because they just went with the norm without questioning it. If I think somebody falls into this category I will try and avoid discussing certain things with them because it's never going to be a constructive conversation.

 

[angel2010]

I think informed choices that aren't necessarily the 'norm' make some people feel uncomfortable because they just went with the norm without questioning it. If I think somebody falls into this category I will try and avoid discussing certain things with them because it's never going to be a constructive conversation.

That is basically the point I have gotten to.

 

[ruby559]

Hi,
This is my first post! I am a ftm and really want to try for a natural water birth but I feel like everyone thinks I am either a) an idiot/crazy for even considering it (luckily, not my family since my mam and stepmum had minimal drugs I think) and say things like 'you havent had a baby yet so you say that now...' or b) I feel like they think I'm offending them- I'm not criticising anyones choice of an epidural its just not MY choice!!! aaaghh!!!

 

[Samantha675]

Hi,
This is my first post! I am a ftm and really want to try for a natural water birth but I feel like everyone thinks I am either a) an idiot/crazy for even considering it (luckily, not my family since my mam and stepmum had minimal drugs I think) and say things like 'you havent had a baby yet so you say that now...' or b) I feel like they think I'm offending them- I'm not criticising anyones choice of an epidural its just not MY choice!!! aaaghh!!!

Ugh, while they are right that you haven't had a baby, you are quite capable of doing research and reading and making an informed decision. There is nothing wrong with saying, 'this is how I want it to go.' Stick to your guns!!!

 

[xxembobxx]

i understand hun, im the only person in my extremely large family who has breastfed, and got weird looks and comments from all of them about how disgusting it was and how bottle feeding was so much easier, and then when i had my babies in a wrap it was oh the child will be clinging to u forevor u need to let them lie by themselves!!, and now me wanting a homebirth im somehow crazy and putting my baby at risk by not being in a hospital, i didnt even bother mentioning other things like what happens wi cord and placenta, and jsut keep my distance now as my family is majorly f'd up, as in my cousin is expecting her 4th baby which shes on benefits has never worked, but struggling to buy a £900 pram, and lookin down at me cos i bought second hand, and i do work bla i mstarting to rant here lol damn hormones

My mum is supportive of BF as she did it but I do feel like OH's family don't understand why I do it. I also tend to go into another room to BF so I don't offend anyone but with this baby I'm going to do it wherever. I can be discreet so there shouldn't be a problem.

O/T but I also get worked up when I see girls with prams that I can't afford. I fell in love with a Mamas & Papas Mimi pram for LO but couldn't justify the £800 cost. I saw a girl that has never worked walking about with one and was soooo jealous and bitter. It just riled me that me and OH were worse off financially having a baby yet she was actually getting more money than she'd ever had before
Hormones maybe but probably more jealousy lol.

 

[ambreen359]

Me and OH are on ok wage but decided to buy all the big things second hand as we did not want to spend excessive amount on what we wanted also if u do your research u can get very good quality second hand - i agree with everything above this is my 3rd with a 19year gap between the last pregnancy and the choices we are making this time are very different to when i had my 1st 2 i was 20 and went along with what the 'norm' was but when i got pregnant this time i researched loads so i was fully prepared and tbh i am doing everything differently i get annoyed having to justify my decisions so dont really go into alot of detail because at end of the day its no one else's business i would not question anyone who wanted a medicalised birth or who ff - i do have one question what is benefit of erf car seat i have not heard of this so feel quite ignorant?

 

[BirthCoach]

I am a homebirthing, tandem extended breastfeeding pregnant mom, cloth diapering, non vaccinating, cosleeping, baby wearing mama. And probably everything else the average person woudl consider strange.

I don't advertise my choices (other than things that i do publicly like breastfeed, baby wear, etc) or tell people that they are doing anything wrong but will talk about them. If someone asks what I do, I tell them and tell them how much I love doing it that way and why. But I always talk about it for me.

"It's so much easier for me to breastfeed because I don't have to get up in the middle of the night." 'I love cosleeping because I love waking up to morning smiles.' "I find it so much easier to carry my baby in a sling than to lug around a heavy care seat and then they are all set for nursing when they need." "I loved giving birth at home, wouldn't do it any other way, I was such a wonderful experience."

They can take what they want from it. You will offend people, no doubt about it. Every time you express that you have made a choice that is different from theirs it makes them question their own decisions. Open and conscious people will realize that self evaluation helps them make better choices. It will either allow them to reevaluate what they are doing and chose something different or reaffirm that they have made the right choice for them.

I always also tell people when they start to feel they may have made a choice that they are reevaluating that everyone makes the best decisions with the information they had at the time.

I would suggest that you may find that friends often change when you have kids as parenting choices can create large divides in friendships. Meetups is a great way of finding alternative parenting groups.

 

[JASMAK]

I don't know...most of what you all are considering 'abnormal' like BFing, extended rear facing, co-sleeping, cloth diapering...it just very normal here. I don't know why anyone would be offended..so I am guessing that where you are from it is weird??? Personally, I don't really care how others raise their kids, and the way mine are raised isn't really brought up too much. I don't usually run around telling people how I do things...I just do it. If someone has an issue that you breastfeed, then that is their problem, not yours..unless you are rubbing it in their face and they are offended because maybe they tried to, or wanted to, but couldn't. But, honestly, I have never found any of these things an issue...

 

[qwk]

I didnt read through every response so maybe someone already said something similar... But I think a lot of people just get defensive when they realize they could be doing "more" in some way, but choose not to for various reasons. I've been a vegetarian for almost 13 years now, and people repeatedly react that way, even though I NEVER bring up my diet, neeeever even imply that others should likewise become vegetarians, etc. Nonetheless people often start talking either about how stupid it is to be a vegetarian, how they could never do it, how I can't get the right nutrients, etc etc etc. I just shrug it off.

Same goes, from what I can tell so far, about natural childbirth and parenting. People just seem to feel that my decision to cloth diaper is some sort of personal attack on their decision to use disposables, and they lash out providing all sorts of reasons to support their choice - even though I could care less!

I guess I have no advice but just wanted to say I totally know what you'd mean. I don't think, however, that you should start out defending your choice or calling yourself crazy in order to try to avoid offending someone who is oversensitive! Your choices are your own, be proud of them

 

[blessedmomma]

honey i will be honest, i didnt read all the responses.

i just wanted to say, you have to figure out what works best for you and your children. no one is raising your children but you and DH. there is no instructions that comes with parenting, just do what you think is best. try not to be offended if someone disagrees. if they are offended, they will have to get over it. they may raise their children as they wish, but they may NOT raise your children as they wish. parents learn as we go and if they are true friends they will respect what you do with your children as much as you respect what they do with theirs. for example, i knew after 2 months with my first baby that my children will never sleep in a crib. its not for me or them. however, we still bought a crib for my BIL/SIL when they needed one for their new baby. it doesnt matter that they dont co-sleep, i love and respect them enough as family and parents of their own children to help meet those needs. i dont go into details why we dont vaccinate, or why we cloth diaper, or really anything unless someone asks. i tell them, but i am not willing to argue. to us, the Lord gave us our children to raise and He also gave them theirs. they dont have to justify to me and i dont have to justify to them. occasionally you just have to agree to disagree and thats ok.

be confident in your parenting choices, your children are depending on you to make the best decisions for them. mostly to show them love though. with love, you will never go wrong!

 

[snowangel187]

I have been trying to figure that out too - I had a very awkward conversation with a mom who was planning on having an epi and asked if I was, and I said no - going all natural. She got offended that I thought I was 'better' than she was or something, and I tried to explain no, that I'm just scared of needles

It is even worse with breastfeeding vs formula. My boss at work was formula fed, and even though I've successfully breastfed two DDs, she feels the need to bring up formula all the time! Like, 'I was formula fed, and I turned out just fine' and stuff like that. How many ways can you say 'yay for you - this is me' without sounding rude? I'll happily explain my choices if someone truly wants to know how I've arrived at these decisions, but that isn't what most people seem to want.

I really don't care what other people think I nursed my daughter for a year and a half it was a commitment and most of my family thought it was a waste of time that I did it too long etc. Just because they didn't nurse for long or at all. But you know what my daughter is 3 years old and has never been sick. Unlike my nieces and nephews and I believe it was due to the effort I made to nurse so long. I don't have a tolerance for people and their stupidity I've made it very clear opinions are not welcome unless asked for. Everybody has a right to do what they think is the "right" way of delivering/raising a baby and unless somebody is doing something I think is harmful to the baby I keep my opinion to myself. To each their own.

 

[Tegans Mama]

I don't hold back either, I just say what I need to say and be done with it I DO try and not use the scornful tone of voice others use towards me though.

I do sometimes feel that people (specifically one person - member of my family who has had a million kids and me with my measly one ) thinks she is a better parent than me, no matter what I do. I don't think it's a case of "better" parenting though, it's different parenting.