Husband not happy!

[Msw454]

We just found out that I'm 7 weeks pregnant yesterday. We already have 2 ds, a 3 yo and a 10 month old. We're financially stable and own our own home. Granted, it's 3 bedrooms plus an office (which definitely needs to stay an office since my dh works from home), so two children will need to share a room. My husband has always said just two children, but after our second he didn't get a vasectomy. We used comdoms, and intended on doing something more permanent in the future. I was open to the idea of more children, but also ok with just two. This pregnancy is a complete surprise. I honestly don't know what happened. But now my husband is devastated. He has barely spoken to me since we found out yesterday, and all that he's said is please get an abortion. I know in my heart I could never do that. Has anybody else ever faced this, and did their husband eventually come around? He says he will never be able to love this new child. I don't understand how he could say that, because even unwanted it is still his. He's a very good dad to our current two children. Please help!!! I don't want our marriage to be over, but could never kill my baby.

 

[Jkelmum]

The a topic isn't allowed to be talked about .. But give him time to come round one day isn't that long it's taken mine 8 days xx

 

[Ella86]

Don't have experience with this, but so sorry you're dealing with it I really wish I had good advice for you... Is he the sort of person who takes a while to adjust to change when things don't go as planned? If so, maybe all he needs is time. Try to be patient with him, tell him you understand he is upset, but also tell him that this is very hard for you to deal with on your own right now - you need his support. This isn't something you planned, either...

When the right time comes, have him explain to you why exactly this doesn't fit into his plan. He doesn't like the thought of kids sharing a room, he thinks it would mean you have to move to a new house, it would change the dynamic of the household, he thought he was done with babies, one more college tuition to think about, etc. Maybe you can help him work through the thoughts he is having. Men, I believe, tend to be VERY logical thinkers... So I bet these are the sorts of things going through his head.

If you can level the playing field and both come to the understanding/agreement/realization that this isn't no one's fault per se... You can hopefully help each other muddle through it.

I really hope he comes around soon. How do YOU feel about it?

 

[ajarvis]

Give him some time to wrap his head around it. Abortion isn't going to be a quick solution to his problem. Men grieve after them too. Maybe even some counselling sessions with someone that can help you guys talk it through?

 

[Katt36]

I think the topic is allowed. She doesn't want an abortion her husband said it not her.
So sorry you have to go through this stress. Give it sometime and see what happens. In the meantime be kind to yourself. Praying it all works out for you. Big Hugs.

 

[Msw454]

Some of the concerns he comes up with are somewhat legitimate, like we'll need a bigger car for three car seats. But some of the things are just silly. He told me we'll never be able to go to Disney world now. It's like.... what? First of all, pretty sure people go to Disney world with three kids all the time, but mostly why would a vacation be a reason not to have a baby???? I think overall it's money that he's worried about, but I really think we'd be able to handle it. It's like he's worried about the extra things, vacations, kids having their own rooms, ect. Which I don't even know how to respond to that.

By the way, sorry if this topic isn't allowed, I didn't even think about that!

 

[Katt36]

Some of the concerns he comes up with are somewhat legitimate, like we'll need a bigger car for three car seats. But some of the things are just silly. He told me we'll never be able to go to Disney world now. It's like.... what? First of all, pretty sure people go to Disney world with three kids all the time, but mostly why would a vacation be a reason not to have a baby???? I think overall it's money that he's worried about, but I really think we'd be able to handle it. It's like he's worried about the extra things, vacations, kids having their own rooms, ect. Which I don't even know how to respond to that.

By the way, sorry if this topic isn't allowed, I didn't even think about that!

I think about vacations and Disney also!! Baby number four on the way and it's like how will we manage. There is always a way to make it work, even when it seems impossible. One more child really isn't that bad money wise. I think the more children we have the less we spend of frivolous things!! Waste not want not!

 

[smileyfaces]

I think he is being melodramatic saying he could never love another child. Like seriously? That's not true at all. Of course he would love his child. I think he just needs time to get used to it.

My husband reacted exactly the same when I told him about this one. Told me he doesn't want it, we can't cope, we can't afford it etc. But literally a few days later he was fine and he's accepted it and we talk about all things baby related.

It is a very difficult situation and I resented my DH for reacting so selfishly and not considering my feelings and I am sure to some degree you will feel the same. Give him time and then see how things go.

 

[xforuiholdonx]

My husband acted the same when we found out about our second and third children. Not happy at all. He was better with our third then with our second.
Give him time to get used to it.. That's my advice. And stand firm in your beliefs!

 

[hanni]

Sounds like he's being totally dramatic! Give him time and I'm sure he'll come around to the idea.

This pregnancy wasn't planned and my DS was only 8 months old at the time, my OH was kind of like "oh shit! 2 babies!" And quickly got over it.

Plenty of people manage lots of things with 3 kids.

 

[cupcake23]

He needs time. When you have expectations on what you life will be like and someone tells you differently you are going to react negatively for awhile. You will both have to figure out your feelings and make new plans. I'm expecting my 3rd, baby was planned but when I told my husband his face was a picture, his first words were 'we need a bigger house' 😁 blokes always seem to think of the financial implications and mums just get on with it.

 

[Kmx]

So sorry your goinh through this. I think my OH would be the exact same. We have spoken about a third child but he says no as he wants them to have Disney land and driving lessons when they are older and He thinks three would be too hard to provide this.

So I think what he is saying is somewhat "normal". I definitely think he will come round. As much as anyone wants to believe that they don't want a baby and they can't handle it, when that baby is born and you see and hold it for the first time a bond and connection is made which can't be helped. I'm sure scans will help him form this bond too. Maybe have a early scan so he can see what is there right now and that will make him see why you don't want an abortion.

 

[CarlyP]

Sorry your going through this but he needs to see it from your point of view as well, I'm sure you were just as shocked.

I hope you manage to resolve this

 

[Quartz]

Give him time - holidays and house space are two of the big reas

Its a shock to him, in his eyes you were preventing pregnancy by using protection so he cant understand how it could happen, barring surgery in his mind he wasnt taking any risks so to find out that it can still happen has shocked him to the core (it brings back memories of Ross finding out Rachel was pregnant in Friends (they used condoms too)). His belief system that condoms prevent pregnancy and 2 children is ideal have been rocked to the core. His vision of the future has changed you dont recover from that in hours. He needs time and space to get used to the idea

 

[Msw454]

Thanks everyone. He's still not talking much, and has moved upstairs to his office. I really hope time is all he needs, I don't think I can take 9 months of this! He told me he's trying to look at the positive side, but can't find any positives, because the only one would be a new baby and he doesn't want that.

 

[george83]

We had a surprise third pregnancy when our second was only 7 months old so in some respects I can appreciate the worries your oh has. In short ds3 was only 7 months old when we went on our first holiday and no it wasn't disney but we survived and all 3 kids enjoyed it and yes we brought a new bigger car which I hate but it's practical and ds1 isn't squashed between his two brothers. At the end of the day your oh needs to grow up - it's not your fault alone this baby is here and if he can't accept responsibility for that then that's his luck out, he'll miss out on raising another lovely baby. My oh suffers from depression so I coped with most of my pregnancy and the most months since then on my own with 3 children which I know isn't the same but you'll be amazed at how easy things fall into place when you need them too

 

[InVivoVeritas]

I don't want to be mean, but your husband is acting like a spoilt brat.

He didn't want another baby, but you've got one on the way and he needs to pull up his big boy pants and deal with that. Life doesn't always bring exactly what we want it to. If he developed epilepsy or went blind would he think it was okay for you to leave him because having a disabled husband wasn't in your plan?

He's being extremely unfair to you, and I really don't think you should take it as though his temper tantrum is justified.

(sorry, I don't often post negative comments like this, but I do think he's being a brat!)

 

[Msw454]

I don't want to be mean, but your husband is acting like a spoilt brat.

He didn't want another baby, but you've got one on the way and he needs to pull up his big boy pants and deal with that. Life doesn't always bring exactly what we want it to. If he developed epilepsy or went blind would he think it was okay for you to leave him because having a disabled husband wasn't in your plan?

He's being extremely unfair to you, and I really don't think you should take it as though his temper tantrum is justified.

(sorry, I don't often post negative comments like this, but I do think he's being a brat!)

No, I agree. He is acting very very spoiled. Clearly he isn't used to things not working out how he expects them to. Three days of him hiding out, telling me he can't be around me and can't talk to me. It's horrible. I don't want to be around him either, if that's the way he's going to be. I don't understand why we can't support each other. I'm not even asking him to be excited about another baby, or even happy. But at least not mean about it.

 

[Msw454]

He came downstairs a little bit ago, so I took the opportunity to try to talk to him. This is what he said. "I'm glad that you're sad. Know that you're in this alone." What in the world should I do with that????? Leave him? I'm not financially dependent upon him at all. The only thing that would be keeping me with him is how hard it would be to go through a divorce pregnant with two other small children, and how hard it would be to sell the house to split it up.

 

[ajarvis]

Women have these same fears of not being able to love another etc. He sounds like a super dramatic person though. Is he usually this irrational and illogical? Maybe he should talk to his dad or someone that can talk some sense into him.