I am being unreasonable?? Honest opinions please

[zozarini]

Hi ladies,

A couple of things have been bugging me for the past couple weeks and I need to vent. Please be honest and if you think i am being a bit unreasonable then say (as i know the hormones can make me a bit selfish about certain things!)

So first thing is. My OH's family has their Christmas day on Christmas Eve.... they enjoy a good drink and party - which is fair enough. Last year was my first Xmas with OH so worked out to go their Eve and my folks on Christmas day.
Anyway at my OH mums they eat at like 10pm, drinks and party into the wee hours and lie in bed all day Xmas. My "normal" christmas eve consistd of going to Christmas Eve church service with my parents, home and watching a nice film and an early night. No alcohol.

so anyway this year my OH may be working til 8pm, he then said he would still be going to his mums after he finishes - its a 1 hr drive away.. so time he gets me and we go over it will be about 9.30, to eat dinner and open presents and then I would drive home as wouldnt stay (they all smoke and drinks a lot and lying in bed at 3am listening to it at 20 weeks pregnant is not my idea of christmas) Also my OH may also be working Xmas day.. so starting at 8am. I am in bed for 10pm at latest as so tired, so i thought a bit unreasonable of my OH not to even think about me in all this... i have to get dragged out at 9pm and he may not even be there on Christmad day! i thought we would have had a nive eveing together and then went to his family when he was off so we were not in a rush. there is no talking about it to him, he just wants to see his bro's and have a booze! Feel like telling him to grow up and consider how things have changed! Also 4 of them smoke heavily and i really hate being in that atmosphere. I just feel depressed about it as would rather stay home with me and the dog on Christmas Eve.
I realise we come from different backgrounds and have different ideas of Christmas. So i am being inreasonable at not wanting to go?? Also I am making xmas dinner this year so have a busy day the next. i may add the Mother in law threw her sofa out so we dont have seats to sit on. I just cant get excited about this idea at all!!

Secondly... if you are still reading. His mother keeps saying "all i ask for is christmas eve, you can do what you wish on christmas day" thats all fair and well for her, but Christmas Eve is a big deal for me.
She also thinks this would still stand when baby here... we go over and stay!! Eh no. I said to her well through the day we'd come but baby in its own house for santa! she said "Santa comes to mine too" so we dropped it. I said to OH that it would be over my dead body my baby would not be in its own house for santa coming..no way. its our family now not her tradition. I said everyone is welcome to ours on Christmas day so nobody appears to be getting favoured! anyway just feel a bit sensitive about it as people think they are not asking much but to me they are. I love traditional Christmas.
Do you think the Mother is being unreasonable asking that demand of us?

thanks for reading if you are still awake!! i needed this rant! xx

 

[lalitas charm]

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you are pregnant and that makes me not want to be out late so if you are anything like me the last thing you want to do is go out with them. It is unfortunate that your OH is going to be working, but there is nothing you can do about it this year, there will be other years.

I am 100% with you about baby having Christmas in your own house, it is a big deal particularly the 1st and if it is so important to your MIL that she sees you on xmas eve then she can make things happen a bit earlier so that you can get home at a reasonable time for LO. I have to admit that a long drive with a young child in the car is no picnic (think changing nappies in the lay by which is bad enough in day light) so I would be tempted to say no until LO was a bit older.............

 

[erikab922]

As I was reading your post I thought, no way would I go if I were her! No way would I be around the smoke, plus you need your rest for a busy day the next day. Then you said there'd be no place to sit and I was like, that seals the deal! You are starting your own little family and you can have your own traditions so might as well start them now TBH their Christmas Eve sounds like my idea of hell but to each their own. Can't your OH go on his own and be a grown-up and find his own way to work the next day? Because as far as I can see that's the only reason why you'd be going on Christmas Eve, to drive him around. Ideally he'd stay home with you, of course!

 

[absmum2be]

I agree with you, I'd be the same! Maybe talk to OH and really let him know how your feeling.

I also agree with bubs at home Xmas eve. It's now your family as you say so it's time to make your own 'traditions' and leave hers for her.

Good luck and don't think it's your hormones at all xx

 

[zozarini]

Thank you ladies. I know when i read it I think not a chance! As i said we are from really different backgrounds!

I really though if my OH was working he would just come home and we would go over when he was off so not in a rush. He hates missing anything so i know thats the reason he wants to go. But in a way im like, grow up, its all change now, its not about suiting just him!

His mum said she will bring the garden furniture in for us to sit at!!

I really do get on great with his family, but their traditions are not mine and not one i want to adopt! I feel i should make the effort this year as to me its the last year we would be over on the Eve. Of course we could go over through the day, or they could pop by, but then again they dont want to make the journey and stay sober.

Im so hoping my OH is off, as i will be telling him that i will be leaving at w reasonable hour to drive home and if he doesnt like it he can stay (minus car) A bit of come and go and maturity has to be displayed. Just know if he is working i will be like a raging bull having to go. Also i will be saying nobody is smoking in the room (they go to their rooms but you can still smell it) Its so hard as i do get on with his family and want to give them their gifts in person but i think the lateness of their traditions is not good. xx

 

[Kita]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Hormones just seem to over exaggerate things really but you are totally legit. Especially in not wanting baby there next time around. Sure maybe for the day but even that wouldn't be ok with me because if there will be heavy smoke and drinking I'd be pissed. I would not want my baby around smoke and I would be highly upset if OH were too drunk to do anything as far as helping with the baby and then YOU have to drive back AND care for baby during that car ride? Yeah no thank you.

 

[Kita]

My OH and I have different backgrounds as well. In NY my family got together (minus drinks) and had clean fun. Now in FL since there are not so many of us we would usually celebrate at church..again, clean fun..

OH's family is all out here in FL and they love to get together for everything.
beer is usually involved as well.. not my favorite part as I don't drink but hey it is what it is. Thanksgiving is our most family oriented thing here since I have been with him. We normally go out to Tampa (about an hour away) to his sisters house (which is enormous!) and will eat and spend a day or two out there. This year however it is all up in the air because his other sister id due to give birth any second now so being so far away is not a good idea. Her house has construction going on and my apartment is WAYY too tiny to fit everyone so we are having issues as well..

Anyway, My brothers wife is due to have her baby for christmas and I think that after this year, traditions need to change up a bit because I want my baby to be equally close to both cousins that are coming soon and I want them to not only think of OH's family (with drinking involved) when they think of the holidays you know?

 

[littlecupcake]

I am in total agreement with the other ladies. Thankfully that is not a situation I will have to contend with but I would not be going over to that environment especially if I really didn't feel comfortable as it would end up awkward and I would probably end resenting them especially if I was tired and had a busy day the next day as hormones obviously don't help. I would try and discuss it with your OH again. Christmas is a stressful time as it is! hope you get it sorted xxx

 

[DollPosse]

Honestly I think you MIL is being unreasonable if anyone is. lol
Everyone celebrates a little differently and expecting that everyone will celebrate with you the way you want it doesn't not seem very realistic. Families like to make their own traditions, that is part of the fun in having your own little family. I say do what you want, and if she takes issue with it too bad for her. I have this attitude mainly because my MIL is very much like this and this is the attitude I have needed to resort to.

 

[zozarini]

My OH and I have different backgrounds as well. In NY my family got together (minus drinks) and had clean fun. Now in FL since there are not so many of us we would usually celebrate at church..again, clean fun..

OH's family is all out here in FL and they love to get together for everything.
beer is usually involved as well.. not my favorite part as I don't drink but hey it is what it is. Thanksgiving is our most family oriented thing here since I have been with him. We normally go out to Tampa (about an hour away) to his sisters house (which is enormous!) and will eat and spend a day or two out there. This year however it is all up in the air because his other sister id due to give birth any second now so being so far away is not a good idea. Her house has construction going on and my apartment is WAYY too tiny to fit everyone so we are having issues as well..

Anyway, My brothers wife is due to have her baby for christmas and I think that after this year, traditions need to change up a bit because I want my baby to be equally close to both cousins that are coming soon and I want them to not only think of OH's family (with drinking involved) when they think of the holidays you know?

Its so funny how a nice stress free holiday can turn into a busy nightmare, trying to please everyone!
I hope you get your holiday sorted out, nice that so many babies are due though and all around the same age!

Its all about comprimise, i know that so if i can comprimise then i expect my OH too as well.

I hope his work will hurry up and release the Christmas shifts so we can plan and discuss, dont wanna bring it up until its an issue.

One thing though.. nobody will be smoking in the house! end of. If they do then i will be leaving as thats unfair. xx

xx

 

[milf2be]

i dont think you are being unreasonable, i know how tiring it is when you are pregnant. i know its not ideal but could you go see your family xmas eve so you are not alone and then stay there and OH join you xmas day, if hes not working or xmas eve ?

 

[Ems77]

Hi ladies,

A couple of things have been bugging me for the past couple weeks and I need to vent. Please be honest and if you think i am being a bit unreasonable then say (as i know the hormones can make me a bit selfish about certain things!)

So first thing is. My OH's family has their Christmas day on Christmas Eve.... they enjoy a good drink and party - which is fair enough. Last year was my first Xmas with OH so worked out to go their Eve and my folks on Christmas day.
Anyway at my OH mums they eat at like 10pm, drinks and party into the wee hours and lie in bed all day Xmas.

IN my opinion, you are not over-reacting and particularly after baby is here. Exposing baby to this sort of behavior will only set a bad example.

 

[luckybreak]

Well, you may not like what I have to say but you are talking about your OH having to grow up but you want him to do what you don't want to do yourself.

Your description of your family Christmas time makes it sound like they are better people than your OH drunk out smokers crazy ones...and that's just not fair to your OH that he has to dump his family because yours has a "nice clean Christian fun"

Believe me, I know where you are coming from my family is also religious but my OH is not..my family celebrates Christmas eve with diner, dancing, and presents at 7 pm at night and go on. My OH's family celebrate at Noon the next day and kind of just relax all day then open presents.

I understand the Smoking is bad and perhaps the "growing up and meeting in the middle" should come from both of you, your OH should talk to them about going outside to smoke for you and the baby's health and only stay as long as you can take it then OH should be coming back with you.

You can't just pick your family over his..if this is too much for you then the growing up should come from both...One Christmas eve go to his family and since it is late then don't go to your family because it is too much for both and next year don't go to OH's family get together and go to yours but don't make him drop his because you feel yours are better than his..that is just a fight waiting to happen.

I have my own family but i still enjoy going to families for Christmas and thanksgiving, Grandpas and Grandmas tend to pass away and when they do then you will be having your own Christmas at home and your will be the host. A lot of wonderful memories can be had at Grandparents house for Christmases.

I hope you guys can come up with a solution that you both can enjoy each others family and that your LO will enjoy Christmas with the grandparents.

 

[HayleyZahra]

This is what i think,

Why not just go along with it this year, than just think next year your have baby so you deff wont be going cos it will be your babys first proper christmas, your probley be able to get out off it for a few years well baby is young!

I know u may not want to but why dont u just stick it out for now and than next year put your foot down!

xxxx

 

[citymouse]

I think that since you're the pregnant one, you should get the greater say this year.

The thing about their family tradition is that it doesn't sound like it's sustainable in terms of having young kids there, anyway, so there will need to be a break sooner or later. Because 3-4 year olds won't care how much fun the adults had the night before--they'll be disappointed if there's not a to-do on Christmas morning.

It's not fair of him to expect you to completely adopt his family's traditions. You guys should sit down and negotiate it out. And maybe you can come up with some ways that you'll bend to his preferences, so it's a 50/50 thing.

 

[luckybreak]

I think that since you're the pregnant one, you should get the greater say this year.

The thing about their family tradition is that it doesn't sound like it's sustainable in terms of having young kids there, anyway, so there will need to be a break sooner or later. Because 3-4 year olds won't care how much fun the adults had the night before--they'll be disappointed if there's not a to-do on Christmas morning.

It's not fair of him to expect you to completely adopt his family's traditions. You guys should sit down and negotiate it out. And maybe you can come up with some ways that you'll bend to his preferences, so it's a 50/50 thing.

I think it is not fair for her to ask him to abandon his either.

 

[milf2be]

This is what i think,

Why not just go along with it this year, than just think next year your have baby so you deff wont be going cos it will be your babys first proper christmas, your probley be able to get out off it for a few years well baby is young!

I know u may not want to but why dont u just stick it out for now and than next year put your foot down!

xxxx

sorry to go OT but you've just made me really jealous, i love malta, my parents have a timeshare in sliema and we used to go every year, but i missed out last year because i had jake.....soooo wish i was there right now

 

[Sunshine12]

I dont think you should be subjected to a house full of smoke (although Im assuming they can go outside to smoke and will do if you ask them too) but I do think you are being a bit selfish about it. Yes you are pregnant but that shouldnt mean that your OH shouldnt be able to have a good time on Xmas Eve with his family and have a drink (although its unlikely if he is potentially working the next day that he is going to get really drunk anyway.) Whilst I understand you have said you normally go to bed at 10pm couldnt you have a nap early evening so that you are less tired and can make an effort to stay up a bit later? I think you have to be fair about it as things will change alot once the baby is here so if your OH can have a good time this year on Xmas Eve with his family then I think you should let him whether you are particularly keen or not. x

 

[zozarini]

Thank you for the comments ladies.

I just wanted to say though, that I am not asking my OH to not see his family and favour mine. I wont be seeing my family on Christmas Eve, so its not like i am wanting my OH to not go to his family so we can go to mine.

My point was that if he is working that day and not getting home til 8.30 we would arrange to go to his family a day he is off, so we are not in a rush and can spend a day there. I am not saying i wont see his family, i get on well with them all. It was just about the lack of dicussion on his part around the matter that he would be going either way, and the way im feeling I just dont want to go out at that time of the night to begin a party. Selfish that may be, but i litterly cant stay awake and the onus is on me to drive!

I am not adverse to a party and i am not religious, i was simply stating what i am normally used to, so it is out of my "normal" traditions for me. Not that i am against it. I also realise it is not about me as i can appreciate his family tradition, I went last year. But yes this year, being pregnant, the thought of leaving at night to drive over and sit til all hours around drunk people does not appeal to me. Hence, why i wanted to go through the day the next day OH was off. Even if nobody was drinking or smoking, that is not really mu issue... Its the matter of having to drive to and from late at night and be sitting down to a meal at 10pm

I will go as i do want to see them and exchange gifts and things. I was just disappointed at the timing around it and just the fact my OH wont understand my point. But thanks for your opinions on it xx

 

[mrsthomas623]

I personally would refuse to go to your inlaws from here on, it sounds like a horrible environment and way to celebrate Christmas. I do not allow drinking or smoking around my child/soon to be children and I would hate them to grow up thinking the Christmas is about drinking and partying. I am not religious but am very big on good family morals.

In the future- If it were me, my options would be go to the in laws during the day time and be home by evening on Christmas Eve or pick another day to go visit with the kids. Luckily, my DH is on board with me about how we should celebrate with our kids.

This year- I would say- have fun, I am staying home and going to my parents on Christmas day.