I can't believe I'm over here. I'm so numb

[Bunanie]

I'm at the same place. I just want to close the chapter. But I have two more long days to wait for test results.

Sad that it sort of brightened my day when my doctor said "And you know, maybe get the D&E done on Friday."
I so badly want to wake up from this nightmare. I'm so tired.

I know... The whole thing was like a nightmare. I was looking forward to D&C too...

Once it's over, we are starting fresh again. Good luck, hope you will get your results soon.

X

 

[Shezza84uk]

I'm so sorry Hun I have been silently following. You are so courageous sending you thoughts and prayers as you continue this journey to closure praying for you and your little one xx

 

[Peanutt]

It's official. Full Trisomy 18. At least it's the random type and not one where me or DH could be carriers.

I have a follow up appointment this afternoon so we'll talk about the D&E.
So far, the spotting has slowed down. Hopefully things will hold out. Looks like my D&E will have to be at a hospital. There's a clinic that does second trimester terminations but they're so booked they're not even scheduling appointments right now. I might be over the legal limit by the time they can get me in.
My insurance said they considered a D&E for T18 to be a medical abortion so it would be covered. So my out of pocket cost would be 20%.

I've been expecting this news so I don't understand why I've been crying on and off all day today.

 

[lizlemon]

Oh honey! Your crying because this is your baby, T18 or not, they are part of you and always will be. And you must let yourself grieve, talk to people about it, don't put a brace face on as it is a loss. My dh and I fell apart but you pick yourself up and eventually you realise you can go on. You'll also grieve for what should have been and the life you has imagined. But given time you'll have your rainbow like I did and they will help to heal your heart xxx

 

[Peanutt]

My D&E is scheduled for Thursday. It's so heart breaking to schedule the death of your child.

 

[lisa1980]

Oh my goodness, I'm so, so sorry

 

[twinmummy06]

Huge hugs peanutt.

 

[Peanutt]

Thank you all.

The amnio confirmed the baby is a boy and we're calling him Nathan. I just feel better if he was named. He has certainly tried his hardest to get past his Trisomy 18 but unfortunately, it's a battle he can't win. And I can't bear to make him suffer any more than he needs to. On ultrasound, he's curled up tight like his tummy hurts.

My mother up in heaven will take care of him when he gets his wings. She always wanted grandbabies. She'll have Nathan soon and I take some comfort from that. Hopefully we'll get our own bundle of joy in the near future. But we'll mourn for Nathan first.

Nathan,
I'm so sorry baby. I wish I could hold you and kiss away all of your ailments and make you better. Mommy loves you so much. I hope my decision is the right one that will cause you the least amount of suffering. Your grandma will be there for you when it's time and she'll love playing with you. My precious, sweet boy. We'll see each other again one day. I love you, baby. I love you.

 

[Bunanie]

Your last post is so beautiful, made me cry. My original due date is getting nearer and that's exactly what i want to say to my little boy.

I'm so sorry...

 

[vermeil]

*gentle hugs* I had been following your story too, hoping... there are no words... Thinking of you and beautiful Nathan.

 

[amelia26]

I'm so sorry Peanutt. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Thinking of you and Nathan, and the rest of your family. And your mother, who will be with her grandson soon.

I'm so very sad for you.

 

[Willow01]

So sorry Peanutt my heart honestly is breaking for you. Your words for Nathan are beautiful and you are right, your mum is waiting with open arms for her precious grandson. She will keep him safe until you all meet againx

 

[lizlemon]

Xxxxx

 

[Hopeful Cat]

I'm so sorry xxx thinking of you

 

[OrkneyGirl]

I've been following silently and my heart is breaking for you and all your family! This is bringing me to floods of tears and I can't even begin to imagine how you feel or what's going on in your head. Just know there are ladies here all with you in spirit and your in our thoughts. Massive hugs to you and all of yours at this sad time.

 

[Yo_Yo]

So sorry to read what your going through

X

 

[Tink1o5]

Peanut- I am so sorry. It must feel like a nightmare has been confirmed, but at the same time as a blessing to finally have a 100% answer. Your letter to Nathan was beautiful and I just know he has heard every word of it. You will be in my thoughts Hun

 

[sethsmummy]

 

[Wriggley]

Thinking of you and Nathan I'm so sorry Hun

 

[Peanutt]

Today we sign consent forms for the D&E. Where we live requires 72 hours between signing the forms and the procedures so that we can "think about it". As if I haven't thought about it for the past month.
I get that they want people who are ending their pregnancies because they're unwanted to reconsider. But those of us in these types of circumstances have to go that much longer in agony.

Anyway. You ladies are a Godsend.