I don't want family at the hospital before baby is born & dh disagrees :(

[Larkspur]

Everyone else already said it, but once more, NO, you're not being unreasonable. These threads always astonish me, I honestly cannot believe some people think they have the right to muscle in on a birth!

Like a PP said, it's not a bloody variety performance! (Actually, thinking about it, it sort of is like a bloody variety performance in a completely literal sense, but that is all the more reason not to have a front row audience!)

To your OH telling you it's going to be hard to tell them they can't attend the live show, just tell him, "Well it's going to be hard to push a baby out of my vagina too, but sometimes we all have to do things we're not looking forward to."

 

[zilla]

To stop them getting offended and trying to turn up anyway or save him from having to tell them that they can't be at the hospital, can't you just go to hospital without telling them you're in labour?
That's what we did with DS1 (although my labour was from 1.30am-6am so it wasn't like they would have answered the phone or had time to come up to the hospital) and although we're planning a home birth and need someone to look after DS1 whilst I'm in labour, we're going to ask a relative to pick him up who won't be a massive pain in the arse.
I've also told both families that we're not having visitors for a couple of days, as with DS it was 2 weeks before we had a day to ourselves and it was too much.

 

[burrr]

There are many things you have to compromise on with your partner when you're parents but labour is NOT one of them. At the point of labour, it is about your rights medically, your privacy, your comfort. I would be extremely firm with him on this matter and say that in no way are his family to be involved in your medical procedure. You can tell the medical staff to keep them out but I would be more concerned about my husband ignoring my wishes at this stage, it is very disrespectful to you.

Obviously if you need to use the medical staff then you have to, but I would hope that he will come to his senses before then. I agree with the earlier posters who said that he should imagine lying in a hospital bed, genitals exposed, in agony, while a bunch of your family - extended family at that (cousins?!) - gather round and stare at him.

To be honest, I would feel like saying that if he can't respect your wishes you'll tell the medical staff to keep him out as well. He has no legal right to be present at your labour, and if the situation was going to stress you that much, you'd be within reason to ban him too and ask your mum/sister/friend etc to be your birthing partner.

 

[sethsmummy]

I agree with everyone else hun. Ask him if hed be happy to lay on a bed half naked and squeeze a melon out of his penis whilst all of your family stand there and watch and make constant comments.

Nobody has ANY right to make decisions regarding your labour and birth apart from you hun. If he will not listen to you then just tell the hospital that you do not permit anybody to be in the room/waiting room apart from your chosen birth parnter/s. xx

 

[Ziggie]

You know.... I'd just offend them and say no you're not being there. Threads like these always make me grateful my other half listens to my wishes and would NEVER pressure me into anything. I know that's not helpful.

But be assertive!! Just say no. If they're offended, they're offended. They'll get over it when they meet their gorgeous grandchild/niece/nephew.

I wouldn't pussy foot around, but that's just me.

 

[redneckhippy]

I worry about this too. I really like my in-laws, but I'm a private person and for me when I'm in pain or feeling overwhelmed I just don't want anyone around me, except my husband. It has nothing to do with the other people, it's just how I deal with pain. They could be the most supportive people in the world and I still just want to be left alone. My husband is the only boy in the family, so my MIL has been present at all her grandchildren's births (since it was her daughters giving birth) and I'm sure she will want to be here for ours, so I worry about it. I haven't really figured out my plan yet. My parents live on the other side of the country so unless timing goes perfectly, my parents probably won't be here at all for the birth. I think it's something I will bring up with my MW soon to see what she can do to help out.

 

[Wtbam]

Is it an american thing to have the partners parents around at the birth?

I don't even want MY parents there let alone his..... but I am very grateful he accepts everything I say and want. (Mind you I would put my foot down even if he didn't)

 

[MrsKChicago]

To your OH telling you it's going to be hard to tell them they can't attend the live show, just tell him, "Well it's going to be hard to push a baby out of my vagina too, but sometimes we all have to do things we're not looking forward to."

Love this!

I get that it may be a difficult conversation for him, but he's just going to have to suck it up. You come first. You have the right to your privacy, you have the right to have a little time to bond before people show up, and stress can have some very real consequences during labor and birth. I try to take my husband's opinions and wishes into account when I make pregnancy decisions, but there are some things that are just up to you in the end, no matter what he thinks. Thankfully, DH and I are on exactly the same page about other people intruding on what we feel is a really private moment. I'm glad to hear that he'll respect your wishes, even if he doesn't like them. Make sure he knows in no uncertain terms (maybe get your doctor to reinforce this) that he cannot push the issue in any way once you're in labor because the stress is not good for you.

 

[MrsKChicago]

Is it an american thing to have the partners parents around at the birth?

I don't even want MY parents there let alone his..... but I am very grateful he accepts everything I say and want. (Mind you I would put my foot down even if he didn't)

I think it just varies by family. I don't even want my own mother in the room, let alone DH's mother. If my vagina is involved, that's between me, my husband, and my medical providers, and nobody else!

 

[Laylagirl]

It might be an American thing..
I don't know though... I never had that problem except with my first. My ex husband let his mother stay, when right before I asked him to tell his mother to leave, but he said it was his mother and he wanted her there..
I was so upset that I didn't get the bonding, the joy, nothing out of the birth. I didn't even hold her. That never happened again. I hope I am never an inconsiderate over bearing mother in law...

 

[mod19]

It really does just vary by family. The only person that will be in there for the actual birth will be my husband. No one in my family has ever had the parents in there. But like I said, we're more private people. But I do know people (mother's and daughters) who want the mother present, I'm just not one of them.

Zilla I brought it up to him to just not tell them we're at the hospital and he didn't say anything. I am going to talk to him more about it as time goes on so he realizes how important it is to me to have this be a private matter and how disappointed I'd be if someone intrudes on my first bonding moments. Thus baby better come out and be put right in mine or dhs arms, no one else.

I appreciate everyone's support and arguing points. My parents will more than likely not be here for the birth either, though I'm sure they'll make the trip a few days after.

And yes, when I say family, I'm talking parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews and family friends. They ALL come! Not sure if its a southern thing or not but I am not used to it nor will I stand for it! You guys are definitely giving me more motivation to put my foot down on this one!

 

[MrsKChicago]

Good lord! Do they leave room for the nurses??

 

[Wtbam]

I can't actually believe that it could happen that a mother could give birth and then the baby is given straight to a mother in law or other family member???????????

 

[RaspberryK]

I can't actually believe that it could happen that a mother could give birth and then the baby is given straight to a mother in law or other family member???????????

Me either, it's disgraceful!

As soon as my ds was born he was only not in my arms for about 3a minute and I was already asking where the hell he was.
I felt beref and anxious until he was placed on me.

Xx

 

[swanxxsong]

Not too much to ask at all, IMO.

My labor with my first was really, really long. And she was early. By the time she came, I was really annoyed that I had posted anything on FB because the calls/texts/etc about "HAS SHE COME YET" were driving me nuts. This time, I'm not telling ANYONE.

Inlaws were at our house with our dog to let her out and they showed up an hour after I had her... after a 30 hour labor and it was 1:30 in the morning. I was peeved.

This time, I'm setting rules and they'll depend on when the baby is born, how long my labor is, etc. But there's really no point or reason to have people sitting around the hospital waiting. I mean, esp if it's a long labor, it'll be boring for them unless they're getting in the way, and you definitely don't want that! So I'd talk to your husband and tell him that.

As my midwife says, the baby doesn't change a noticeable amount in the first 24 hours, 48 hours, etc. So there is NEVER any need for people to bumrush you to see the baby when it'll look exactly the same an hour, or a week, later.

 

[mod19]

Good lord! Do they leave room for the nurses??

Haha this made me laugh.

The sad thing about it is cousins that he barely knows will show up. Its what they do. I get friend requests from his cousins on Facebook all the time that I've never met! Um, no. My Facebook is blocked on purpose, so people like them can't go snooping around in my life.

Oh goodness you guys are giving me so much ammo to argue my side.

 

[mod19]

It might be an American thing..
I don't know though... I never had that problem except with my first. My ex husband let his mother stay, when right before I asked him to tell his mother to leave, but he said it was his mother and he wanted her there..
I was so upset that I didn't get the bonding, the joy, nothing out of the birth. I didn't even hold her. That never happened again. I hope I am never an inconsiderate over bearing mother in law...

No that is just ridculous! What kind of person would take that away from a mother, especially a first time! If that woman was my mil she would have known how bad she was effing up and kicked her out of the room! My goodness.

 

[Tyred]

This is such a hard one isn't it?

I wanted my mum to be, not just at the hospital, but in the room with me. But then I realised that if my mum was in the room, my dad would be in the hospital too - and I didn't want HIM to be there in the first bonding hour or two. Not because I dislike him but because he's almost like a stranger to me in terms of how close and comfortable I feel around him.

So because of that I've now told DH that we will simply not tell anyone until after baby is born.

I also would NOT want my MIL there (not in hospital or in room). But I know she will be offended if my family are there and she is not. This way at least everyone is treated the same, I guess.

But a part of me feels bad worrying about this because most of all - all I want is a healthy baby - born without C-section - with me and baby doing fine.

 

[StranjeGirl]

You are the one in labor- going through the pain and having a baby inside of you that needs to come out. It's YOUR decision!!! When your dh has a baby he can decide who he wants there lol. I've decided this time around that I don't want anyone coming to the hospital until the day after the baby is born. My parents were there during labor, and my mom stayed in the room with me and dh during delivery, which was fine, but I found it very hard to concentrate on reducing the pain with people in the room during labor. THen dh dad and step mom showed up right when baby was born and I had to ask that they wait an hour so we could have time and I could get my thoughts together. I think they were a little offended due to the fact that they just drove over 3 hours to come visit, but that is not my problem, I was so overwhelmed with waht just happened, and was trying to learn to breast feed etc, the last thing i wanted was to have to pull myself together to talk to people. I hope your dh can understand that this is not only a very exciting time for us...it is also a major medical procedure where we do not feel our best. Would he want your family in the room while he was in a ton of pain and about to go through a big medical procedure? Probably not!

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

If your hospital is anything like mine was, the Labor+Delivery/postpartum recovery area is locked down tight. Make sure you tell the people at the checkpoint that you are not accepting visitors until you say you're ready, and they'll turn away anyone who shows up. And if the family members throw a fit, well... hospital security is there for a reason!

Hopefully it won't come to that, but normally the hospital will take the mother's wishes into account as to who is let back there in case they decide to show up even after being told not to. I let my Mom and sister stay with me during most of my labor, and they always had to check in and then be collected by my husband to come back to my room.