I don't want my MIL to babysit!

[special_kala]

My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies.

It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.

I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.

So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?

 

[Pielette]

I don't think it's fair to say men don't understand what it is to be a mother. As a pp said, it's not their fault they can't carry and give birth to children! My DH adores our LO just as much as I do and we both give equal considerations to each other's feelings when it comes to LO.

As for this debate about MIL babysitting, yes I feel like a lot of mums on here with boys. We worry that we won't be allowed to be around much, that our DILs will be thinking oh God she's coming round again, put her off, or won't be allowed to spend time with our grandchildren for trivial reasons or simply because we annoy them. I hope that won't happen for us because I think we will remember not to force our opinions on them etc, but because we see it so often on here it makes us worry.

I have a MIL who has manic depression, is currently in hospital in a mental health section and has tried to kill herself on numerous occasions. Of course there is NO way in hell she will ever babysit my LO. In fact I can count on one hand the number of times she has even seen them. And I'll be totally frank, it makes me sad.

My LO has four living grandparents. One is a manic depressive. One is a loving nanny (my mum). One is, excuse my French, an a**hole who we have nothing to do with (my dad). And finally one is someone who isn't 'good with kids' (FIL). So to all intents and puporses, my LO has ONE grandparent. It breaks my heart, because I had three and adored them.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's an awful shame to let trivial things ruin grandparent relationships. I'm not saying go out and leave your LO with her for a day. I think I just mean for a start, spend some time all together, let her see how you want to parent your LO and talk to her about how you would like her to do things. And at the same time try and improve your relationship. Family is so important. I want my LO to have a good relationship with all the family on my DH's side (all those who are possible).

 

[special_kala]

The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this.

Well, different people interpret actions differently. The OP said her MIL came and did her washing and OP saw it as rude and a veiled commentary on her housekeeping skills. Other posters said they'd love their MIL to show up and cart off their laundry without being asked and would see it as being helpful. Same action, different interpretations.

Which probably means different history with her MIL which shouldn't be ignored.

 

[belle254]

I know exactly how you feel, I'm the same way. Comfortable with my own mum sitting but not the MIL. It makes me nervous; she doesn't read LOs cues (hunger, over stimulated, tired) and is very loud and in your face with her. She'll be a lot older by the time let her be looked after by MIL. I know it's not fair or practical but I knw what you mean by saying you feel like you have more rights as she came from your body. I regularly feel like OH should be paying more attention to my wishes rather than ignoring the littles things I say about LOs routine! Xxx

 

[Soph n Chris]

My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies.

It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.

I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.

So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?

I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....

 

[Larkspur]

I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....

Yeah, you gotta wonder who would get more 'rights' over an adopted child, huh?

 

[Kristin52]

It sounds like you're just really detail oriented. All I can say is it won't kill your baby to deviate from her routine for a few hours while you go to dinner. My baby's routine is shot if he poops at the wrong time lol, it annoys me but he doesn't seem to notice one way or the other.

You haven't met my son then.
Routine goes wrong? There goes all my effort down the tubes!

 

[Soph n Chris]

I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....

Yeah, you gotta wonder who would get more 'rights' over an adopted child, huh?

Hmmmm

 

[special_kala]

My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies.

It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.

I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.

So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?

I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....

Love is hormones.

If my OH had a real issue with someone looking after the girls i would listen but like i said most women trust their mums more then their MIL which is normal

 

[whit.]

My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies.

It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.

I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.

So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?

And most men are probably closer to their mothers.

I think the fair solution would be to talk it out with her OH and compromise. She's going to be leaving her LO with MIL while she works, why not try it out for a dinner out with her OH for an hour and a half instead of a whole day of work?

 

[nicb26]

I totally understand how you feel. My oh wants mil and sil to babysit, but I don't feel comfortable, especially sil, as she hasn't really been around babies. My lo is on the move now, and accidents can happen very quickly, which is why I don't want sil as she doesn't understand what babies are like iykwim. As for mil, I guess I don't feel that I 100% know her, so I don't want to leave my baby with her. I know a lot of people say its oh baby too, so he has equal say... Well actually, he's quite happy for me to do all the work (be up all night, up early at weekends, prep all her meals etc etc etc), so I therefore feel that I should get the last word on who looks after her and when. In your case, 7 weeks is v young, I wouldnt blame you for not wanting to leave her at all. It's a tricky one, but you are her mother so I think it's your decision xx

 

[Dk1234]

I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....

Yeah, you gotta wonder who would get more 'rights' over an adopted child, huh?

Exactly this is just baffling to me. My husband and I wouldn't have a very good relationship if I felt this way. He is my partner and my equal. I can't imagine treating him as if he had less rights to my child.

 

[Soph n Chris]

My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies.

It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.

I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.

So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?

I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....

Love is hormones.

If my OH had a real issue with someone looking after the girls i would listen but like i said most women trust their mums more then their MIL which is normal

By your statement I am therefore not 'normal' because I don't trust my mum the same way I trust my MIL.

Also, does that mean a mother loves a child more than a father??

 

[special_kala]

dont be picky. It is not the NORM. better?

 

[Soph n Chris]

dont be picky. It is not the NORM. better?

I'm not being of picky, you can't make broad statements like that as though they are fact...

I can be picky though - rewording it like that still makes it the same statement just worded differently....

 

[special_kala]

In general women are closer to their own mother. How is that not true?

 

[staralfur]

My MIL used to go off all the time about giving my LO Pablum, ice cream, popsicles, you name it. And so I was VERY hesitant to leave my LO with her.

But it's a problem easily solved by communicating. I just sat down with her before we left and said "I really feel strongly about not giving her food before 6 months, and I'm concerned you'll give her some while we're gone." She looked surprised and said that despite what she thinks, she would NEVER go against our wishes. And that was it! I have no issues leaving her with MIL now. I was fretting over nothing and a two minute conversation was all it took to fix.

I think without at least having that conversation with her, you're not really giving a fair chance. If she brushes off your concerns, then absolutely you should make the call not to leave your LO with her. But she could be totally accepting and just not realize she's making you uncomfortable.

 

[jenniferttc1]

In general women are closer to their own mother. How is that not true?

That's probably down to mothers not trusting anyone though lol. Mother not letting daddy do his thing cause they are scared something terrible is going to happen that we can't control when not around.

 

[Soph n Chris]

Because it isn't fact. There are lots of families that aren't like this.... There are women that are closer to their fathers, MIL's, Aunties, friends.... The list is endless.

 

[weewdy]

My MIL used to go off all the time about giving my LO Pablum, ice cream, popsicles, you name it. And so I was VERY hesitant to leave my LO with her.

But it's a problem easily solved by communicating. I just sat down with her before we left and said "I really feel strongly about not giving her food before 6 months, and I'm concerned you'll give her some while we're gone." She looked surprised and said that despite what she thinks, she would NEVER go against our wishes. And that was it! I have no issues leaving her with MIL now. I was fretting over nothing and a two minute conversation was all it took to fix.

I think without at least having that conversation with her, you're not really giving a fair chance. If she brushes off your concerns, then absolutely you should make the call not to leave your LO with her. But she could be totally accepting and just not realize she's making you uncomfortable.

I totally agree half the time mil and even our own mothers dont realise they are doing/saying wrong things.