I don't want my MIL to babysit!

[Amber4]

My little girl will never be left with MIL. Something which OH has always said even before I was pregnant. We have agreed she can stay when LO asks which we doubt as MIL doesn't give a crap about LO tbh. It's very sad though as my Nan (Dad's Mum) was my best friend and I loved her to bits! Her house was my second home! I do think if nothing serious has happened to make you feel this way then you should try talking about it, compromising and so on. Just because you don't like MIL doesn't mean your LO won't. A few hours won't harm LO. If I was left with a 7 week old baby I know I'd pick them up! Not to break a routine but because they needed me. I do agree about the weetabix but maybe printing out guidelines and showing her might make her realise. Last time I saw my MIL she told me to put sugar in her bottle to help her poo. When I told her why I wouldn't do that she did get it tbh and acknowledged what I said x

 

[neadyda]

I don't feel comfortable with my IL's watching my kids.... I suffer from anxiety and panics attacks and OH sees how bad I get... i dont trust them 100%. only person i trust with them 100% (apart from OH) is my mum. and he knows it and trusts her 100% too, more then his own parents. So he never ever pushes me to be uncomfortable in a situation just so his parents can look after the children because he respects my feelings as a person/the mother of his children/his fiancé.

So OP don't do anything YOU don't feel comfortable with x

 

[MrsHedgehog]

At the end of the day the most important thing is LOs well being. OP, if you genuinely don't trust MIL then don't leave LO with her. Are you all suggesting the she should leave her baby with someone she doesn't trust just to keep OH happy? I have lots of issues with my MIL not respecting my wishes when it comes to LO. I never left LO with her when she was so little (I never left her with anyone apart from DH until she was much older). It's taken time for us to build a relationship and now MIL watches LO twice a week while I'm at work. I still have some trust issues and would still be happier leaving LO with my own mum. I know that my own mum wouldn't go behind my back and do something I wasn't happy with. However, my mum lives in another country and LO is happier with MIL than at a nursery so we're doing what we have to do. Luckily DH shares my worries and doesn't fully trust his mum either. He even suggested we hide a camera somewhere to check up on what she's doing when we're not there! It was actually me who said that would be going a bit OTT!

As for the argument about who has more say, mum or dad, I must say that I agree I have a little more say over certain things. DH and I are equal as parents and make decisions together, however, I know LO better than anyone so generally I get the final word. Mostly DH and I agree but if we ever differ then usually it's me who gets the casting vote. For example, there was a while when DH wanted to try CIO and I refused. In the end he agreed with me but I would never have allowed him to use CIO just to give him his equal say. If my DH had an issue with something I was doing then I'd obviously listen to him and we'd discuss it. If he wasn't happy about me leaving LO with somebody then I wouldn't do it. We parent together, we listen to each other and respect each others opinions. DH would never force me to do something with LO I didn't feel comfortable with.

 

[aliss]

OP's baby is still very young, 7 weeks. I think a lot of these issues will just take time to resolve, so they can both get used to their new roles. OP, have you actually sat down with her over a coffee and had a heart-to-heart? I know that is much more terrifying with an MIL than your own mother (for obvious reasons) but it really REALLY helped us repair everything (I think my boy was 6 weeks). I know it's easier said than done, but I would recommend clearing the air.

 

[devon_91x]

I knew people would disagree with me but i didnt mean to cause arguments. The reason i dont want my MIL to babysit is because she hasnt spent enough time with my LO to make me trust her. Once she has shown me that she can follow my rules (because at the end of the day she is MY baby so i want my rules followed. I would never look after someones baby and do what i please) then she can watch her. To everyone that said i dont want her in my LOs life, thats not the case at all. In fact we are going on holiday with them in March. I wouldnt be going if i didnt want a relationship between them. But the thing that ticks me off is that my MIL thinks there is a competition going on between her and my mum, which is ridiculous. My mum is fine about the fact we are going away with OHs family. But we are going on holiday with my family in July. When my MIL found out she got upset and walked out of my house. I wish she would see sense and realise that Darcey can have 2 nans without having to compete to be "favourite".

The reason i see myself as the "main" parent is because sometimes i feel like a single parent. Of course i find being a parent stressful, but i enjoy doing it. I enjoy changing her and getting up for night feeds. My OH acts as if its a chore. Just this morning i asked him to change her nappy whilst i make a bottle. He acts as though i just sit there and do nothing. He assumes because he works full time and im on maternity leave, i should do everything, which is unfair. I have tried to speak to him about this and he thinks im trying to argue, so its easier to just keep it to myself, or come on here a rant lol! Of course i 10000% respect his opinions as a parent and i know he loves our daughter to pieces, but i feel as tho he would rather sit and play xbox whilst i do everything. When i take LO for a walk to get fresh air, he hardly ever comes. He sits indoors playing Xbox and i take her out. Would you not feel like the "main" parent if this was your situation. I always bath her, he never offers. I even switched to formula feeding so he could help feed her. He gives her maybe 1 bottle a day. I always play with her on the play mat. I always get up for night feeds. He would rather lay there until she is screaming before he gets up. This is why my views are what they are.

 

[AP]

Oh Hun I think you need to talk to him about spending time together as a new family. jeez our Xbox hasnt been touched for two years until only recently when the girls are in bed.

 

[MummytoSummer]

Sometimes men can need quite a bit of encouragement in the early days and reassurance that they're doing things the 'right' way with such a young baby. I know my oh was scared stiff he'd hurt her by holding her wrong, he was way to scared to bath her without my help. Even now as much as he's a hands on dad I do 99% of feeds and nappy changes with our youngest (she's now 8 months).

Don't just expect that he should 'get it' the same way you did. Next time you want him to do a feed or change or bath her then sit with him and encourage him. Say things like 'see, she loves having her daddy feed/change/bath her'.

Maybe next time you need something from the shops go by yourself, leave your oh with your lo for an hour or so, perhaps even leave them at one of her feed times so that he will have to get on with it. Chances are he'll be just fine and probably also realise that watching a baby isn't quite as easy as he thinks. I think it's true that no matter who you are until you've been left alone with a baby for a significant amount of time you really are never prepared for how much work is involved. It's not surprising really that men assume we get to sit around all day. Give him the chance to see it from your perspective.

I found my oh was much more willing to help once I stopped nagging him and instead started encouraging him and reassuring him he was a brilliant dad.

Like I said I still do 99% of things with my girls as my husband works long hours etc but even so there's no way I think of myself as the 'main' parent. They are just as much his and his responsibility. If I was in your situation and my oh wanted his mum to babysit (baring in mind I hate my mil) then i would agree on the grounds that we together sit down with his mum and go through our routine with the girls and our rules. First and formost I know my oh loves our girls just as much as I do and he would never place them with someone who would harm them intentionally. Secondly he trusts his mum, who am I to take that away and say well sorry, you trusting her isn't enough. I trust his judgement. He trusts mine. If I say my mum is capable of looking after our girls, he won't argue with me. If he had issues with my mum then I know him well enough to know he would tell me and again we'd sit down with my mum and go through whatever his issues were.
One way or another we'd sort through it so that neither one of us was being undermind and felt we had no say.

If you have issues with the fact your mil doesn't know your lo as well as your own mum, then the best way to remedy that is letting them spend time together. What better way to start with than letting her watch lo for a couple of hours while you and your oh get some time off. It'll be around your lo's bed time or evening routine so if you timed it so that your lo was fed already, all your mil would have to do is be there incase she wakes up! Chances are she wouldn't have to do anything at all except maybe pick her up to settle her if she cries. You can't expect her to know her better without giving her the opportunities like you do with your own mum. Although there shouldn't be competitiveness between your mil and your mum, your mil could feel a bit pushed out especially if she knows you've left your lo with your mum but refuse to with her.

Either way I hope you are happy with whatever decision you make.

X

 

[Dk1234]

I agree. She may feel like it is a little competitive because she knows your mother is getting alone time with the LO. Also, I'm a SAHM for the most part but I would never consider myself the main parent. Do I do more, directly yes. But providing for your family is important and valid too. Look at it like this, what if he said the money was more his because he is the one making it right now. Not really fair or true. That being said, men often have to rise to expectations. If you let him sit and play Xbox of course that's what he will do. My dh would hardly ever get up and do something if he thought I would do it. I agree with encouragement. Make him feel like he is doing a good job and that he is appreciated. Also, ask him to do a certain bottle a day or all baths. My dh does every bath unless he isn't home.

About mil, I honestly think its unfair to assume she would go behind your back and do something you specifically said not too. Very few people would do this. Before my in laws watch LO I give a specific routine to follow and a couple rules. The woman has raised children herself so even though we as mothers feel like no one is good enough, in reality I'm sure she is. And she loves your LO. Nursery workers don't. You should remember that this little person is part of her.

 

[KiwiMOM]

I felt the same way, I actually told my OH how I felt and it really upset him that I didn't want to go on a date with him for that reason and because my MIL is lovely. I just took the plunge tbh. Told myself I'd take baby steps, walks around the block together, a few hours for a movie and I'm now starting to feel more at ease with her.

 

[_jellybean_]

Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. I still disagree with the "main parent" point that you made though.

I think you really need to sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel. It's sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his lo, and he may very well come to regret it one day.

Have you thought of couple's counseling?

 

[lesleyann]

At the end of the day of your not ready your not ready.. My MIL only looks after the kids after we have exhausted all other options normally. I say normally the mum should get to decide she's normally the main care giver knows her baby best and knows the routine.

Every time my mil has watched my son she breaks a rule, so because of that she is last point of call... They moan we never go there buy yet they never come here, and that's because they know in my house I am boss where as at theirs there is not much I can do.

 

[Liesje]

Just because someone does all the "work" doesn't mean that they're the "main parent". I do all of the work because my OH is never home. He's never once woken up with him, changed a diaper or even fed him, because he works and I don't. I don't really think that makes me the "main parent" or have any higher deciding power regarding our children.
How would you feel if he decided he was the "main breadwinner" and started making the financial decisions?

 

[jenfirstbaby]

I don't think doing everything at home makes U the 'main parent'... But id defo say there is usually one parent who makes most decisions. For us, its me. I moved out and took lo with me. Her dad sees her 3 times a week, and is usually in a hurry to give her back cos he doesn't know what to do with her. He doesn't have nappies/wipes etc at his house, don't think its even crossed his mind. When I hand her over I have to hand over my pink lining bag cry with bottles, nappies, wipes, and milk powder already in a dispenser. As well as steralised spoons and dummies,.

One time he brought her back with a soaking wet nappy, even though when I dropped her off I told him she was due a nappy change. His reason was that id forgotten to put in the changing mat god knows what he would do if I didn't do it all for him.

 

[_jellybean_]

I don't think doing everything at home makes U the 'main parent'... But id defo say there is usually one parent who makes most decisions. For us, its me. I moved out and took lo with me. Her dad sees her 3 times a week, and is usually in a hurry to give her back cos he doesn't know what to do with her. He doesn't have nappies/wipes etc at his house, don't think its even crossed his mind. When I hand her over I have to hand over my pink lining bag cry with bottles, nappies, wipes, and milk powder already in a dispenser. As well as steralised spoons and dummies,.

One time he brought her back with a soaking wet nappy, even though when I dropped her off I told him she was due a nappy change. His reason was that id forgotten to put in the changing mat god knows what he would do if I didn't do it all for him.

That's so sad hon.

 

[lesleyann]

Just because someone does all the "work" that they're the "main parent". I do all of the work because my OH is never home. He's never once woken up with him, changed a diaper or even fed him, because he works and I don't. I don't really think that makes me the "main parent" or have any higher deciding power regarding our children.
How would you feel if he decided he was the "main breadwinner" and started making the financial decisions?

He is the main and only breadwinner in our house so yes he does get final say if he want to upgrade the tv package or mobile contracts. I tell him what shopping we need he pays, I pick out stuff to buy for the house he pays...

He says its up to me who looks after the kids and will ask if I'm really sure before we leave the kids with anyone.

 

[jenfirstbaby]

I don't think doing everything at home makes U the 'main parent'... But id defo say there is usually one parent who makes most decisions. For us, its me. I moved out and took lo with me. Her dad sees her 3 times a week, and is usually in a hurry to give her back cos he doesn't know what to do with her. He doesn't have nappies/wipes etc at his house, don't think its even crossed his mind. When I hand her over I have to hand over my pink lining bag cry with bottles, nappies, wipes, and milk powder already in a dispenser. As well as steralised spoons and dummies,.

One time he brought her back with a soaking wet nappy, even though when I dropped her off I told him she was due a nappy change. His reason was that id forgotten to put in the changing mat god knows what he would do if I didn't do it all for him.

That's so sad hon.

I know, he really is clueless. When I left him he argued saying he wanted to see her every day, that 3 times a week wasn't enough etc. But now that its been a while he doesn't even ask to see her extra days and he doesn't keep her very long when he does have her. Last weekend he picked her up at 11ish and text me around 2 saying let me know when ur home and il bring her back. He hasn't given me any money since I left, about 2 and a half months ago. I went to asda with him once and he did pay for her formula and nappies., that's about the only time since she was born and shes almost 5 months. Hes never asked me 'does Jessica need anything'.

 

[devon_91x]

Update! Let MIL babysit on Wednesday night for 3 hours whilst we went cinema. But she came to our house which suited me better. LO was asleep the whole time anyway which was good. But now she seems to think she can demand to babysit when she wants which is what i was worried about. Shes saying she wants LO to go over to hers Sunday morning now for the day, but me and OH don't even have plans so why would i need a babysitter? Plus Sunday is OH's day off so the one day we get to spend the day together as a family, and she wants to babysit. I appreciate maybe she thinks we would like the day to ourselves, but id rather LO with us. OH seems to agree with her, arghh.

 

[KiwiMOM]

Update! Let MIL babysit on Wednesday night for 3 hours whilst we went cinema. But she came to our house which suited me better. LO was asleep the whole time anyway which was good. But now she seems to think she can demand to babysit when she wants which is what i was worried about. Shes saying she wants LO to go over to hers Sunday morning now for the day, but me and OH don't even have plans so why would i need a babysitter? Plus Sunday is OH's day off so the one day we get to spend the day together as a family, and she wants to babysit. I appreciate maybe she thinks we would like the day to ourselves, but id rather LO with us. OH seems to agree with her, arghh.

I felt the same after I gave with the walks around the block, it was like "ok now I can do what I want with your baby". You don't want her to feel like "fine you can babysit but ONLY when I say so" is your attitude (even if it is). I'd explain that Sunday doesn't work for you, but if she wants to do something with LO some other time that might be ok?

just a suggestion

 

[shorman]

The op is allowed to dislike her mil and not trust her.

And as for trusting her own mum more....well obviously! Most women are closer to their mums so go to them and trust them, some of that comes down to the fact we can say to our own mums no a hell of a lot easier.

We have different relationships with different people. That's life.

The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this. It's great some people have good relationships with their mil and its incredible sad that some wonderful women never got the chance to be mil's but that doesn't mean everyone else to suck it up and do things their not comfortable with.

I am the primary carer. I look after then 80% of the time so yes my opinion is a bit more valid then the girls dad. Men don't understand what its like to be a mother.

Wow how selfish you have no more say than the dad at all in my opinion you both made that child together just because you might look after your LO more does not give your the right to think your opinion is more valid, in my realationship we are 100% equal parents if we disagree we talk an dcomorise to something we both accept and are happy with, you say dads don't get what its like to be a mother but I agree with lady in we don't no what it's like to be a dad

 

[Irish Eyes]

Just because someone does all the "work" that they're the "main parent". I do all of the work because my OH is never home. He's never once woken up with him, changed a diaper or even fed him, because he works and I don't. I don't really think that makes me the "main parent" or have any higher deciding power regarding our children.
How would you feel if he decided he was the "main breadwinner" and started making the financial decisions?

He is the main and only breadwinner in our house so yes he does get final say if he want to upgrade the tv package or mobile contracts. I tell him what shopping we need he pays, I pick out stuff to buy for the house he pays...

He says its up to me who looks after the kids and will ask if I'm really sure before we leave the kids with anyone.

I would be really pissed off if my hubby ever felt that he had the final say in anything financial just because he's currently earning the money. Just like he would be (rightly) pissed off if i ever felt I had the final say when it comes to LO. We're 50/50 on everything. If he ever used the phrase "It's my money" then he'd know exactly where he could shove it - not that he ever would.

I'm looking after LO which enables him to work full time without paying for childcare. He works full time which enables me to stay home with LO and not worry about money. This doesn't give either of us the right to the final say in anything