I feel in such a bad place :-(

[lexey_7]

Hi ladies

I've been scared to write anything here because the way I feel is so awful but I feel like I've nowhere else to go. I talk to my husband but he verges from saying how he understands and will make it better to saying I'm mentally ill and disgust him.

Please forgive how awful this sounds I just do not know what to do.
I have never wanted a boy, growing up it was always girls and having a boy was discussed as being terrible as boys are horrible so I imagine some of it comes from that.
I was petrified my daughter would be a boy and how I would deal with that and the day I found out she was a girl I was so ecstatic I could hardly believe it. Ended up with 11 scans because I was so worried it would be wrong now she's two and she's everything.

We decided to have another, a sibling for dd and complete our family but ever since I got pregnant (which took 6 months so I shouldn't feel this way) I've been completely disassociated with it, questioning what I'm doing and not wanting to tell anybody. I hoped once I knew the gender it would start to feel real and although I tried to convince myself it was a boy the hope was there. I've never imagined myself with a boy I felt deep down id have two girls and my daughter would have a little sister.

So we found out on Tuesday its a boy, my worst nightmare come true. She kept showing us him and that he was cuddling up to his placenta and he would be a snuggly baby and hubby held my hand smiling and I just wanted to be sick. I turned away to look at my daughter hoping she'd take a hint, then remained silent until we got in the car. Before I burst into tears and begged for this to not be happening husband was surprised thought I'd accepted it already.

Over the last few days he's realised how bad this is, I've begged for us not to keep it, I've told him I'm terrified our marriage will be over because how will he watch me not love his son.
I think I'll be ok then it all comes back how much I do not want a son I feel sick to even say I'm having a boy, my sister in law has a boy I feel nothing to him. Please forgive me I know this is so offensive and awful but I cannot help it. I'd look at boys and boy stuff and pray I'll never be somebody who has one. I feel nothing but disgust and hatred for this baby when it moves I just want to scream, I was supposed to be having a meeting to talk about my last birth and whether I want a section now I couldn't care less. I have nothing to look forward to the idea of another scan and seeing it again fills me with dread. That I'm going to get fat and have to ruin my body again giving birth seems so unworth it I know I don't deserve this child he should be with somebody who loves and wants him.
Husband says I need to be careful who hears me like this because they will take my daughter away from me but I love her so much I would never neglect her I just can't stop crying I've made such a terrible mistake and ruined my family and everything I had that made my life so happy. Now I am certain I will have pnd and my daughter will lose who her mom was. I do not want to name him or buy anything or do the nursery, do not want to breastfeed and this is my last baby it's totally ruined.

What's worse is I don't want to get better, I read about people who have felt this way and now adore their baby or have sought help and got better but i don't want to be better. I don't want to love him or ever be ok with it.

I'm the worst person in the world I can't believe I've even wrote it I know you'll be full or disgust and hatred for me and why should I feel like this when I already have my little girl. I'm so sorry I needed to tell somebody.

 

[winterbabies3]

Oh love... first breath! Honestly Idk what to say. I know you say you don't want to see help but I would highly recommend it. Another thing I could through out there is, this baby is going to be a part of you and dh...you love dh as far as I can tell and this baby is going to be a mini version of him.
Boys are very cuddly and caring and is all on how you raise him. I have two boys myself and couldn't be anymore proud. One day they will grow up and take care of their old mother. My grandmother has 2 sons and they are always taking her to breakfast or on trips. My boys are also very protective of me and always need me before their dad. I'm sure this baby will want to look after you and dd when dad isn't around when he gets older
I hope I threw out some things that can spark your interest on having this baby. I am having a girl this time and I am honestly scared to death I won't have the same connection that I do with ds1 and 2 or that it will be so different. I pray you find peace in this situation and can find a way to bond. If it gets to be to much definitely call someone!

 

[Misscalais]

Oh gosh. Im not sure what to say, why do you think boys are horrible? You love your DH right, so they can't all be that bad
If you feel like you don't even want to love your baby then maybe you should look into adoption so he can be with a family that will love him, if you go through that process it might stir some feelings inside of you and change your mind.
It makes me feel really sad for you and your little boy that you feel so disgusted about having a son and i do think you should seek help for the sake of your precious boy, who will just love and adore his mumma something fierce. Babies aren't a stereo type, boys and girls can be equally horrible and equally adorable and sweet.
In no way am i judging you or trying to be harsh, its hard to come across as concerned in these forums without looking mean.
I have 3 sons and experienced gd very badly with my 3rd, and it wasn't because he was a boy it was because i wanted a daughter as well and he was meant to be our last baby. Once i held him, it didn't matter that he wasn't a girl. Sure i was still sad i didn't have a daughter but he was all i needed. Hes 18 months now and just gorgeous. I felt the same feelings when i became pregnant by mistake, but worse but we are having a little girl and still feel the guilt of how badly i felt about not wanting another boy.
My 5 year old tells me multiple times a day he loves me, just comes and gives me a kiss and cuddle, just because. He tells me i look like a princess and that im beautiful. My 6 year old likes to brush my hair and pick out outfits etc.
Give yourself some time, but please do seek help because this is not just GD in my opinion its seems like its something deeper and i worry for your baby and your mental health.
All you can do is love your child, treat him just like you would your daughter. Rejection from an early age really moulds a childs life and can cause mental issues later in life causing children to act out and behave badly.

 

[MelliPaige]

Oh honey your not awful. I feel the same about this pregnancy, except I hope it's a boy. I've always been told girls are full of drama and awful and boys love their momma and full of sweetness.

I'm so happy my baby was a boy, and if it makes you feel better he's the most well behaved toddler I know. He listens and behaves well and he loves his mommy fiercely, if he's playing outside he will bring me a flower and rocks lol his presents for me..he's a huge daddy's boy, too. I ask my husband all the time, what will we do if this is a girl, and he tells me we will be fine he will love her for both of us but I just don't want to ever make my children feel unloved by me. I can't imagine anything other than a brother for my sweet boy.

I may not be much help, but even though we want the opposite gender at least you know you're not alone. One of each sounds perfect for so many people, but not me! When he's here I'm sure you will love him to pieces, and I'm sure of this little is a girl I'll love her.

 

[CJHanson]

You really need to get some professional help before you do something you'll regret. You should probably give him up for adoption.

 

[Eleanor ace]

Breath. I would seek help asap, talk to your care provider and be honest about how you feel. As I'm sure you know your reaction is extreme, it may well be that you are suffering from antenatal mental health issues and need help. When you decide to have another baby you knew that you had a 50/50 chance of having a boy but chose to go ahead so I'm guessing your aversion to having a boy wasn't so extreme? If that's the case then hormones/mh issues could be responsible for making you feel so bad. Whatever the case and whatever you choose to do you need support, for yourself and for your marriage and family as you're worried about the effect on them. Good luck.

 

[donnarobinson]

I think you need to seek help I under gender disappointment but like pp said I wasn't sad at having another boy just that I didn't get my girl. Boys are amazing they truely are you love your oh and can love your son I think you'll feel different once he's here but if not maybe you should consider adoption x

 

[lau86]

Breath. I would seek help asap, talk to your care provider and be honest about how you feel. As I'm sure you know your reaction is extreme, it may well be that you are suffering from antenatal mental health issues and need help. When you decide to have another baby you knew that you had a 50/50 chance of having a boy but chose to go ahead so I'm guessing your aversion to having a boy wasn't so extreme? If that's the case then hormones/mh issues could be responsible for making you feel so bad. Whatever the case and whatever you choose to do you need support, for yourself and for your marriage and family as you're worried about the effect on them. Good luck.

Agree with this and the other ladies. I find it so sad you could consider ending the pregnancy based on the gender of your baby. The others have said boys are lovely, I have 2 and completely agree they are gorgeous souls. Nevertheless it's how you feel and you can't help it. I hope you can find the help you need x

 

[babyjan]

Oh gosh! I really hope you can get some help x

 

[lexey_7]

Thank you for all your replies I really needed to just get out how I was feeling somewhere I knew people would understand and not judge. I know I must seem the most awful person but I promise I'm not horrible and cruel this isn't me at all I always try to be kind and caring and I love my family so much.

When we were trying I was so excited for a baby and a boy didn't really matter because I'd have one of each and it would be nice for hubby but then once I was pregnant I felt really negative and constantly thinking I was making a massive mistake and my daughters life would be ruined. My husband thinks that a lot of it is pregnancy hormones that make me feel like this he says he knows me and I'm not like this... that our little furbabies are the naughtiest boys on the planet who wee everywhere and bite me when I go in for a cuddle but I'd still throw myself in front of a bus for them.

Yesterday I suddenly felt a lot better I don't know if it was writing it down or I needed a few days but I could picture myself with a baby boy and wanted to look at some clothes. I thought I would feel the awfulness for months but it isn't so bad now, I decided I did care about breastfeeding again and had a conversation about names. My husband was crying because he'd been so sad and where before I was so trapped in my gloom I couldn't care less about his feelings I actually felt a bit bad.

I don't know where I stand so much now, I so so badly wished for another girl, I love everything about them and looking at the little pink clothes made me really sad, but I didn't cry or leave the shop. A boy is so unknown and I really hope my friend who's due at that same time has a boy too else I'm worried I'll really regress but before I was desperate for him to go away and now I can vision myself holding him.

I know I still seem the most ungrateful awful person alive, but I'm thankful I could come here because it's really helped me to be allowed to feel how I do and know I'm not alone. I really hope I do start to feel better from now on it's been such a horrible dark place and I couldn't see anyway my family would continue. I know I must have some mental issues that I should address because sometimes the way I feel isn't normal but it a door I'm so scared to open incase people think I'm a bad mom to my little girl when she is everything to me
Xxx

 

[donnarobinson]

I honestly think as soon as he's born you will be amazed at how much you love him. X

 

[winterbabies3]

I agree w pp, you love your daughter but a connection with your son is so special!! Once you meet him I know you'll fall in love. Look on pinterest at cute boy outfits. The hats, vest, loafers and button up shirts are to die for!

 

[Eleanor ace]

No one will think you're a bad Mom to your DD, or take her from you. You can't help how you feel right now but you can hep how you feel in the future Focus on getting support and getting to a good place so that once your little boy is here you can enjoy every minute

 

[Misscalais]

Im glad you're feeling a little better.
No one will think you aren't a good mum to your DD. And giving her a sibling is not going to ruin her, you are giving her a potential friend for life. Im closer to my brother than i am to my older sister. I have 3 sisters all up and just one brother.
Having more than one child is very daunting whether they were planned or not. Life changes, more challenges arrive but its definitely worth it
You will have good days and bad days, you won't just be magically ok with everything thing, but the good part is that over time and with some help you will be ok.
Talk to your bubba, share your hopes and dreams with him. Choose a name and take time to bond.
you're very brave for even taking the step to talk to us about how you feel.

 

[laila 44]

You poor thing. I'm glad to hear u are feeling better about it... I would however go speak to a psychologist before baby is born so you can iron out your feeling and thoughts etc. I suffered anxiety my last pregnancy nothing to do with GD but rather just a lot of General anxiety so I decided to go speak with a psychologist just to chat before baby was born as I feared ppd ( even though I never had it I was afraid my anxiety would go there with pp hormones etc. ) best thing I ever did! She made me feel loads better and by the time baby was born I had no more anxiety. Try it. You may need some professional help and a new perspective. You'll be fine at the end and you'll adore baby boy xx

 

[Rizzo Rizzie]

Aw glad you are feeling a bit better. I was sad when i found out my second baby was another boy but now i wouldnt trade it for the world. Little boys are special and they love love love to take care of their mama. It is such an awesome thing that you will have one of each and get to experience all the love from both! I think you need to talk to a professional just so you can work out your feelings with a neutral third party because you are not alone or abnormal for having these feelings. Congrats on the sweet baby boy. They really are snuggle monsters. Take care of yourself too.

 

[Dinah93]

I just want to say if you don't feel the same at birth for your boy as you did for your little girl, give it time. I loved my little boy when I first saw him, but in a more detached way where my love for my daughter is my reason for living. It took a lot longer, until he developed his personality really for that love to become as intense. I desperately wanted another girl too, I cried a lot over him being a boy, but so far I can't say there is any difference in the boy/girl journey through babyhood and toddlerdom. My little man is a lot more of a mummys boy than my girl was at the same age, he loves his cuddles, cries when I leave the room, he just learnt to give me kisses yesterday which is very cute. My daughter was slightly more independent as a baby, but I don't think that's necessarily a gender thing so much as a personality difference. I can also say as siblings they're surprisingly close, she doesn't like boys at nursery as 'they play too rough and say stupid things' but she loves to play with her brother at home, they chase, play hide and seek, make boats out of boxes together, it's wonderful. She's also fiercely protective of him, a nurse tried to weigh him last week, which he wasn't keen on, and you just heard this massive yell 'STOP THAT! He's MY baby Ben not yours and he doesn't like that so just Leave Him ALONE if you can't play nicely!'. A doctor is going to support you through mental health, the worst thing you could do is to leave issues to develop because then you really could become a danger to you or the children, better to seek help now. I can say this as someone who has suffered with PND, depression, anxiety, PTSD among other things as a result of a terminal misdiagnosis given to my daughter after birth, I needed a lot of help but there was never any talk of my child being taken away as they could see the feelings were completely separate from my love for her.

 

[EarthMama]

I have a boy, and a girl, and wanted another girl with my 3rd but he's a boy. I dreamed of having 2 girls close in age but it's not meant to be. I did have a good cry about it, but I feel blessed and deeply loved by both my son and my daughter and their connection is profound.

What helped me a lot was to pick a name I really liked, it made me feel good about having another boy who will be his own unique person.

Good luck, your boy will steal your heart. Hope you continue to heal.

 

[lexey_7]

Hi ladies

I just wanted to do a little update and let all you lovely people who were there for me when I really needed advice and an outlet know how it's going.

Things are much better, I'm not sure when exactly it changed but I was dark and horrible for a week or so and then suddenly I wasn't anymore. I'm more excited to meet my baby and am able to talk about it and look at boy type things. We've pretty much decided on a name for him Isaak Elijah Van Deventer and I did a big boy baby shop in the Next sale! (I'll post a photo of my hoard) I think it's really helped finding out my best friend who is due a few weeks ahead is having a boy too!
I still have sad days where I wish he could have been a girl and feel devastated I'll never do the girly baby again or have a sister for my daughter or decorate a pink room but I'm kind of throwing myself into the stuff boys can offer and I'm pretty certain when he arrives he will be special and loved.

So thank you so much for your kind words and advice and just listening when I was falling to pieces! I really do appreciate it Xxx

 

[Misscalais]

Im SO glad you're feeling better!
And look at all that gorgeous boy gear! You did well.
I love his name too its beautiful!