Understand is an understatement.
I think we live each other's lives in a parallel universe. I normally work more, but the last few weeks with the holidays and the weather, I have spent too much time at home. It's a dangerous thing, if I am not miserable with work I'm thinking about my life too much, and how badly it sucks.
I honestly believe suicide should be a right, and certain people who fit into a degree of psychological or physical distress should have the option to get out of it all. We can humanely euthinize a dog, why not a person? No instead we put them in hospitals or nursing homes and treat them like shit, extend their lives as long as torturously possible, and let them die in agony. I worked in a nursing home too long. I saw too much living in there from people who had no business being kept alive, and I doubt it was their will. People died around me all the time, and I was jealous more than sad, but relieved for them. That's why I was such a good CNA I think,
I wasn't the little girl talking to the 94 year old about how great life is, about how she's got plenty of time left in her. Can't you see she wants to be done? These girls would take her bowl of candy when they thought she'd had enough, it's not healthy. Who cares? She's 94 and her candy was what made her happy.
What about the women with Huntintons? Twitching and jerking tied to a wheelchair so they don't fling themselves onto the floor or rip out their feeding tube. I'd come in and see the dispair in her eyes as I sponged the hard dead crust that kept her mouth stuck upen and completely dry. Why must we keep her alive? For her family to come say hi once a month??? Who are we working for anyway?
Then there is people like me, I have no family living, PTSD from several horrible things I seen as a child, and endless grief of the life I will likely never have. I've tried every medicine, in many doses. It can't make me forget. Only sedate me- and I don't want to live life a zombie. I will only be alive for someone else, and I don't want to live for someone else. I want to have my own reason to be alive. Because I have people here I love, and love me. RIght now, I have more children on the otherside, and the only two people in my life who ever loved me unconditionally are waiting for me. I didn't attempt suicide for attention, or because I was depressed. I am just tired, tired of being alive only because my husband thinks I should be. Yet he can't be involved in anything unless he is hungry or wants sex. Alive to make a paycheck so that he and my son can live comfortably. I am not going to try again- yet.
But I guarentee if things keep they way they are. My son thinks of me as a burdon because I want to take him with me when I go places, i'm a big mean old mom who makes him come to the store with me or go grab dinner with me, instead of letting him sit in front of the tv all day. I'm a big mean old mom because I try to make him and my husband have manners, and want them to sit at the dinner table, and use forks and knives. I'm a big mean old mom because I make him shower, and make him to his homework, and make him clean his room. He doesn't like me anymore and he's only 9.
Husband want me around for a paycheck. If I talk to him, im a nagging bitching wife. If I ask hiim to stop throwing trash on the floor, I nag. If I ask him to take out trash, I'm lazy. If I ask him to cuddle with me, he's too restless. If I ask him to do something with me, he's tired. He only stays because it's easy.
I can't let him go because he is the only thing I have left. If he was gone, I'm all alone- worse off than I ever have been. I do need him if I must stay alive. I love him too much. Maybe it's because he knew my family before they died. My dad approved of him.
I was a different person back then, before they died, before I lost my babes and my tubes. Before the army- before meth, prison, and ICU. Before all this we were true love. I am not that person anymore though, I need more
I'm so sad. I just want to be with my family. If I can't have one here, I want the family I have on the otherside.
It really doesn't help that I have always been different. It's hard to explain, I'm not psychic, or a medium. But I just know things- it was strong when I was a child, and then nothing for about 10 years, until my family passed.
I'm connected to the otherside pretty strongly. I feel them without being able to communicate clearly, or hug them. I wish they'd leave me alone sometimes.
My father is my financial advisor- HA, this is a joke dad! You were horrible with money! Why should I trust your advice? But yet, here he is, don't buy this- don't do that. We lived in a cruddy log cabin with a dirt floor and no running water, while you spent all your money on drugs, alcohol, and homeless guys you brought in the house. Your friends- I know he knows better now, but it's so ironic. I just wish I could hear why.
My grandma just wants me to know she's happy. Great, your happy. I'm happy your happy, she spent the last 10 years of her life talking about how she wished she would die to be with her husband and sons. I understnad that, and am glad, but I know your happy already- what is it? Rubbing it in my face? An invitation? It feels like it.
My grandfather is just there.. sometimes. Just there, watching. That doesn't make me feel um... WATCHED. I don't need to be monitered.
Or maybe i'm just insane.
Insanity is also a posibility. Now you guys know- there is a good chance I'm psychotic.
. We're getting ready for a big move and I've also got to work on prepping DS1's schoolwork for next quarter so I'll be stalking you guys 
(< ---- like that extra creepy smiley guy after the stalking reference do ya
) but won't be posting much. I'll be sending ya'll all kinds of drunken love though 
.
. I take a muscle relaxer and I am supposed to stop it when I get pregnant...so I HAVE to test every month to be sure...talk about getting it rubbed in your face every month...). I am peeing more, i SWEAR i feel a baby kicking....but i no its not...its prolly just gas or some huge tumor...My boobs are tender...i can smell everything...I have heartburn and acid reflex like its no joke...and i have a belly (its a PCOS belly...but i look preggo). 
this morning...
(ask me how I know that shit). It will in fact up the ante on how quickly you get to crazy town. Do you guys get regular access to the family car or do you have your own car? Make yourselves go to the library, the park, fuck it, the ice cream shop, something, anything, just to take a step, no matter how tiny.
. I am not afraid of death either, it's just another gateway, like the one that brought us here (although no, I really don't want to have to live through prolonged physical suffering). What I am afraid of is wasting this opportunity I have to unlock more about myself and what I'm doing here and so I keep going! I get really tense and antsy when I can't study like I need/want to. I love my children so beyond what I could have ever fathomed, in a way that I can never fully describe, ever, but I know that ultimately, we're all here to work our individual paths, whatever those may be. We come in by ourselves and we leave by ourselves and it's up to us to make sure we handle what all we came here for. Trust me doll, I understand how tired you are 
b/c I've connected with so many amazing people through this screen in ways that have been very few and far b/w IRL but you guys are all over the world and we can't really get to each other. Now how do ya like that carrot on a stick shit lol.
