I hate her...

[JViti]

I have never felt this in my life...My SIL is pregnant after only 5 or so months of trying...my inlaws kept it from me for a few weeks cuz they knew i would be devastated, and my husband broke the news to me yesterday. Ever since then, I cant stop crying, yelling, and feeling even more depressed than I ever have in my life. I feel betrayed. In fact...I think I hate her.

I hate her for getting pregnant, knowing how badly I wanted it.
I hate her for taking the excitement that I wanted to feel.
I hate her for making my in laws excited, when I wanted to make them excited.
I hate her for making my nephew a big brother before I could make my son a big brother.
I hate her for having what I want.
I hate her for giving my in laws another grandchild, when I wanted to give them the next grandchild.
I hate her for making me feel incompetent as a mother, as a woman.
I hate her.

But I love her. She has given me a handsome nephew who I adore! She gave my son his first cousin. She has not given me a reason to hate her...except...shes pregnant.

I have never felt this awful in my life...I have sooo many emotions going through every orifice of my body that I feel like I'm drowning. Infertility has depressed me enough over the past 2-3 years, and now its gunna be thrown in my face everytime I visit my inlaws. I love her. but I hate her. Infertility is driving me crazy...her being pregnant...well, I'll take the padded room please...

Please, can someone give me some words of advice...is this a normal feeling??? I hate feeling this way and I want it to go away. I just dont know how to function. My DH says I feel this way cuz im shocked and upset, but its being exaggerated by me having my period and my hormones being all wacky. I may agree...but I may not. I dont know. I dont know how to process everything I am feeling. I just dont know...

 

[Napua17]

Wow, you said everything I feel but am too afraid to admit.

it hurts, everytime I see another women who has what I want.

I have 2 boys, 14 and 13. Ive been trying for 10 years now. I turn 40 tomorrow and last year I had a basketball size cyst on my ovary and lost my left ovary and fellopian tube.

I feel so hopeless. My first boy was my first half-hearted try. I gained 100 pounds since then, and have just made the decision to get gastric sleeve surgery....bariatric surgery. Many women get pregnant after loosing weight and I just cant do it on my own.

I'v lost 30 pounds, while waiting for surgery.

But I want it now.

I know how you feel. I feel the same way. Ill pray for you.

 

[JViti]

wow, I was starting to think that I WAS the only one who thought this way. Infertility bites. I tried the whole losing weight thing, but it didnt work. I have since gained an additional 40 lbs, but I've been told that weight is not my problem. I have had 4 clomid cycles, and an IUI cycle. Obviously if ovulation was the only issue, I would be pregnant by now with those ovulation drugs.

I'm so sorry about ur troubles. 10 years is a loooong time to try. Does your right ovary and tube work properly? Is it an ovulation issue or a tubal issue?

I have BCBS insurance and they want 6 failed cycles with exposure to sperm before they will cover IVF, but according to the doctors who performed my 2 HSGs, clomid and IUI will not get me pregnant because my right tube is blocked, and my left one is clubbed/scarred/damaged. If I were to get pregnant by clomid or IUI, it would more than likely be ectopic. They said my only option is IVF, yet they wont fight with the insurance company to get that for me. They still went ahead with the clomid and IUI. *******s.

If you need a TTC buddy, I do too so dont hesitate!!

 

[Kittycat155]

For me it is a cousin. She is very materialistic and chooses to work to have the best stuff and cause " I hate being around her more then a few hours". She makes it obvious they are no where close to her needing to work.

I had chemical few years ago then nothing. Had MC at 9weeks in July and 2 chemicals after.

You are not bad for feeling this. IMO if you did not I would be more worried.

Hugs to you.

 

[Kittycat155]

For me it is a cousin. She is very materialistic and chooses to work to have the best stuff and cause " I hate being around her more then a few hours". She makes it obvious they are no where close to her needing to work.

I had chemical few years ago then nothing. Had MC at 9weeks in July and 2 chemicals after.

You are not bad for feeling this. IMO if you did not I would be more worried.

Hugs to you.

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

Yep, perfectly normal. It sucks ass, no two ways about it .

 

[JViti]

its like I wanna be happy for her, but i cant bring myself to it. I havent even talked to her since i found out. i havent said congrats or nothing. She had her first ultrasound yesterday and im curious and wanna see it, but at the same time i dont wanna see it. that should be MY baby. I tried longer, harder, and feel i deserve it more. i understand thats selfish but right now idc. I just want a baby.

Not that I would ever do this, BUT, I totally understand the women who go to hospitals to steal babies. Its horrible, but when your in a state of desperation, and want one soooooo badly, sometimes youll do whatever it takes to have one. Even if it means taking it from someone else. Like I said, I would never do it, or even contemplate it, but I understand it.

I just hope this new doctor I'm seeing on Monday (Doc #4!!!!!) will be more helpful that the other 3 I have seen who have lied to me, and given me false hope, and werent proper advocates for me when it came to insurance issues. THey told me I HAVE to have IVF, but then wouldnt fight the insurance company to get it for me. Instead they let me have treatment that they had originally told me wasnt an option because its too high risk for ectopic. They did it anyway. B@$+@rd$!!!!

 

[helloeveryone]

Please don't hate her, it isn't her fault she could get pregnant easyily.
Sending lots of So you get another baby..xx

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

I hope you finally have the doc that's the right fit for you JViti. Through all this insanity to at least have your provider standing with you is crucial. Let us know how your appointment goes!

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

Please don't hate her, it isn't her fault she could get pregnant easyily.
Sending lots of So you get another baby..xx

The OP has a lot of emotions going and she's entitled to all of them. There's just no wrong way to feel with all of this IMHO. She genuinely doesn't want to be going through this (as none of us do) and loves her SIL and family. The fact of the matter is though, this shit hurts, badly, and it keeps hurting, and nobody gets it, and when it's in your face all the time, well, sometimes we're allowed to freak out.

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

Hope that doesn't come off as snark helloeveryone! Totally not meant to be that way. Damn interwebs and its tone deafness!

 

[Bkrispy]

I'm going to say this out of hope that you all understand and hopefully will make you feel a little better.
I used to be the same way, and would explode with anger and envy over all of the pregnancy announcements that are... EVERYWHERE. (Kindergarten for my son sucked, he had a note every week about who was a big brother or sister...) Now at an office job with a company that employs over 5,000, i get annoncements way too often.
I can't count the amount of times my reactions were countered with a "be grateful for what you have"

now I picture them crying- they lost all but one of their children. And I get to tell them "be grateful you still have ____" and laugh in their face.
It's sick. I know but it really makes me feel better.

 

[Kittycat155]

Being it is a long term trying to conceive board I think this section should not have judgement helloeveryone.

JViti is saying this after numerous cycles trying and this is NORMAL for someone TTC LONG TERM.

Maybe put your advice to better use on the pregnancy forums and parenting. Someone trying for years does not need to read your response and made to feel guilty. With 6 kids and number 7 on the way I think your out of touch with "our world"

 

[helloeveryone]

Being it is a long term trying to conceive board I think this section should not have judgement helloeveryone.

JViti is saying this after numerous cycles trying and this is NORMAL for someone TTC LONG TERM.

Maybe put your advice to better use on the pregnancy forums and parenting. Someone trying for years does not need to read your response and made to feel guilty. With 6 kids and number 7 on the way I think your out of touch with "our world"

Hi sorry didn't mean to afend anyone here, and I didn't relise I had to only post on pregnancy and parenting forums.
And know sorry I don't understand your world as you put it. I have been very lucky to be able to have 6 children (and not 7 on the way.)
When i posted No bad feelings intended Xxx

 

[Kittycat155]

Just saying if that is advice you offer to LTTTC then maybe keep advice to the other boards or just say nothing to the ones who are posting like this on LTTTC about being upset about yet another pregnant who is so close in family. I saw some of your other posts looking for how many kids and you do offer great advice.

I imagine you at times get sick of comments the larger families often get(they all yours, BC, you know what makes a kid....shakes head all so wrong) Women LTTTC feel same. I have had people tell me oh you know you can get pregnant now or just go make another. My neighbor came over to tell me of her grandkids birth days after I told her I was in hospital few hours and was about to miscarry.

I saw numerous posts of 6 kids 3 of each. Thought they were all here. I thought you were 20something weeks pregnant with 7. Thinking you found out sex of number 6?

End of the day life is such a gift.

 

[tommyg]

Jviti try and think positively it's another cousin for your little one.

I'd love DS to have more cousins to grow up with he has 2 on my side who are much older than him and none on his dad's side. One auntie is just married the other LTTTC. I'd love him to have pals at grans instead all the focus is on him and they expect him to entertain them. It also means Mil is very out of touch with modern parenting.

I'm sure when you do get pregnant they will be delighted for you esp as they know the issues and are sensitive enough not to rub your nose in SiLs pregnancy.

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

Jviti try and think positively it's another cousin for your little one.

I'd love DS to have more cousins to grow up with he has 2 on my side who are much older than him and none on his dad's side. One auntie is just married the other LTTTC. I'd love him to have pals at grans instead all the focus is on him and they expect him to entertain them. It also means Mil is very out of touch with modern parenting.

I'm sure when you do get pregnant they will be delighted for you esp as they know the issues and are sensitive enough not to rub your nose in SiLs pregnancy.

I hear you tommyg and of course there's nothing wrong with thinking positively. We all get some PMA in the mix too b/c well, that's part of the ride. But there's nothing wrong with honoring all of our emotions as we go through life, no matter what the circumstances, I truly believe this. I know for me, trying to shove down the rage and the pain instead of letting it have its say when it needs to makes it so...much...worse. We are complex individuals with a wide range of emotions. To deny some feelings while focusing far more on promoting others I know isn't healthy for me but hey, whatever works for the individual to get them through.

 

[CaliDreaming]

What you're going through is completely normal. I felt the exact same way when my SIL got pregnant after I had been trying for #2 for over a year. I found out they were expecting last Christmas right after my first clomid/bravelle/ovidrel cycle had failed, so as you can imagine I was already a hormonal mess before I got that news.

I am still ashamed of how jealous I was of my brother and SIL and all of the other nasty thoughts I had at that time. The worst was when I'd call my dad and all he could talk about was how excited he was to be getting another grandchild.

You have absolutely no control over how you're feeling right now. The best you can do is to make sure you don't take it out on your loved ones. I did my best to pretend like I was happy for them, even when I didn't have it in me to truly be happy. I found convenient excuses not to be around them too much and was relieved when dd got sick and I couldn't attend their baby shower, because there were times when I didn't even have it in me to pretend that I was happy for them. That was all I was capable of at that time so I try not to beat up on myself.

I totally agree with SweetPotatoPi that denying those feelings just makes them worse. I strongly recommend that you consult a therapist to help you deal with your feelings. I did after trying for 1.5 years and it felt so good to talk to someone who understood what I was going through and could steer me into productive ways of managing my feelings. I think this is important because so many people don't understand how painful secondary infertility is.

 

[JViti]

It just seems like everytime I get a little bit of hope, it gets taken away from me. I had found out about my SIL the day after I found out my IUI cycled failed, so yeah I was a hormonal mess to begin with. I just cant help sometimes screaming and crying. My DH has started being a little more supportive (after being annihilated by his aunt lol) and will hold me when I cry and be there for me and try to offer words of encouragement. Sometimes, since hes a man and men suck, he says the WRONG thing. "Be grateful we have one already" or if I'm bawling my eyes out upstairs in my room (so my son doesnt see me upset, cuz he cries if I cry), he pull the "dont forget about the one you have downstairs, spend time with that one before he wants nothing to do with you." That one earned him a nice smack in the head lol.

Everyone tries to offer words of encouragement to me, but unless they have been through it before, they cant offer much. Certain things can only be understood by those who have been through it.

THe thing that pisses me off sooooo much about my SIL is that she said she was trying for a year. But didnt go to the doc, take OPKs, or anything!!! To me, thats not really trying!!! SHe finally went to the doc after 1 year and was told to do OPK. She did and got pregnant the first month. b!tch.

I still havent spoken to her and I have completely avoided her. I havent congratulated her or anything. I'm worried that she will be mad me, but at the same time, right now, IDC. I want my baby, and I want it now!

 

[CaliDreaming]

Yeah, men really just don't get it at all. My dh tried to be supportive to me, but he just couldn't understand why I was so depressed. The stuff he said to try to make me feel better just made me feel guilty. Sometimes he'd say stuff like "Aren't we enough for you?" I ended up seeing a therapist because I was at a point where I couldn't get through a workday without crying uncontrollably.

Don't feel bad for avoiding your SIL right now or not congratulating her. If there are any hard feelings those can easily be repaired in the future when you are feeling stronger. At that time you can explain, congratulate, apologize--whatever you feel able to do. Right now you need to look after you. One of the best things my therapists did for me is to give me "permission" not to go to my SIL's baby shower. She told me point blank that I was in no state to be able to handle going.