I just cant

[rosesmummy]

cope with my life anymore. I know I'm only young (I'm 23) but I'm sick of my life.

I have a beautiful daughter and lovely partner who works full time. I have plenty of money in the bank and grandparents who love me. so why do I feel so crap?

I feel like I'm old and since my GCSE days I've achieved nothing. Yes I've had a daughter, but I'm a pretty crap mum, and defiantly a terrible SAHM. I failed at uni, currently supposed to be doing a study at home course but I'm never getting time to do that (and now they say the course content is updating which means basically I've got to pay out if I want to continue!!). I haven't had a job in ages and no references so no one will employ me.

I'm supposed to be getting engaged but my partner never seems to ask, (A) I control all the money so its hard for him to 'surprise me' (B) I've told him I'd like him to ask for permission ( i know its silly as I've already got a baby with him but I'd like it), but he's too scared and (C) he's so obsessed with his work he never gets time.

I feel like I'm jealous of my partner he seems to be the one getting somewhere with his life and I'm stuck with a clingy screaming 15 month old all day. I have no friends, I get a break once a month from childcare as my mum has my dd (although DD's dad does help look after her when hes home). The house is always a tip, I do tidy but find it gets a mess again in 5 seconds flat and every time I try and do something DD is behind me messing it up.

I feel like lifes failure.

I dont even know why I'm writing this. I just need an outlet, I've told my partner and he says he understands and he wants to help, but how can he when he is at work 99% of the time, and when he isn't DD takes the main stage.

I just feel lost. I feel sad. I wish a was a something rather than a nothing... I'm not asking to be famous I just dont want to be one of those 'lazy SAHM's' that I feel my family and my partners family think I am.

I really want a job as I dont think I could emotionally handle being at home over winter, I've been for a couple of interviews but reality is there's younger better well trained models out there with references. chances of me getting a job is zilch.

I just dont think I can cope with my life the way it is much long, I wish I could run away from it all - the easy way out! Eh! why I'm in such a mess now

 

[mummylove]

I can see what ur coming from hun.

i feel like i dont want to live anymore even thoi i have 2 beautiful children i feel like im not enough for them. I am disabled i suffer with nystagmus and ocular albinism so i am struggling to find work as my money is stopping in october cus i have to go work. We aint going to be able to afford to live aswe will be losing £450 a month. #I haveno training no gcses ive never worked. My oh works but his a self employed taxi driver and earns pennies and he doesnt get it he needs a dropper job. I feel useless i feel my kids wont be proud of me cus of accomplished nothing. Its hard to explain everything about whats happening to me now. I have had to be put on andi depressants for depression and anxiety cus im getting wound up easy and losing my temper. Might be better going to ur dr and telling them how u feel and see if they can give u some help

 

[nic18]

sorry your feeling like this x

 

[rosesmummy]

mummylove, I'm sorry your having such a tough time. I'm not disabled so i cant even begin to imagine how much harder that makes things but you're right about your partner though you would get more help if he was employed rather than self employed (stupid world I know!).

I think your kids will understand when they're older about how much harder it was for you to get work in your situation.

I know what you mean about getting wound up easily, its so frustrating when it feels like the whole world against you, the phrase 'you take one step forwards and ten steps back has never been more true than now' (even though its probably just in our heads).

I don't want to tell docs or go on anti depressants because I want to get somewhere and battle my way out, I don't want to accept that THIS is my life because when I do I worry what will happen.

Its so wrong to say that 'THIS is my life' because I'm basically saying that I need more than my daughter and I don't hate my daughter I love her, but I need more to feel successful in this society. Like you I worry what she will think of me when I'm older, I worry my partner will leave me when he realises what a failure I am and how much I drag his life down.

anyway sorry to here you're feeling this way, hopefully your doc can help you out with everything.

Good luck x

 

[Eleanor ace]

Could you do some volunteer work, so that you can get some references? How long has it been since you left school- you could put a teacher as a referee? I've hired people who only have teachers/family friends as referees on their CV's, they were young (6th form age) but everyone has to have that first job before they can get referees, most employers will understand that! It will make it harder but don't give up searching!

I know you want to battle this on your own but if you are suffering with depression it's a big thing to handle on your own! You wouldn't tough out a broken leg, try to cure a blood infection yourself, depression is no different!

I'm there with you on the housework front- I clean and tidy like a fiend and my little toddler tornado messes it all back up again! I worry that my DH thinks I just sit on my butt all day (which I actually am doing now :haha; but I swear I do work hard!) because he comes home to a bomb site. But I've started doing a cleaning rota, so I know what I need to do each day- and if anyone dared to ask me what I do all day they could look and see what I've done. I find seeing it all written down makes me realise how much I've done. Might something like that help you?

Your LO is just getting to that stage where they really develop a personality and are learning like mad- it gets so much more rewarding! Having a child who you can teach new things to every day makes being a SAHM a lot more fun, and you can see just how important your role is.

 

[starangel27]

hope your feeling ok, i think working even part time does you world of good. I really struggled with my son as a newborn i felt like a rubbish SAHM it works best for all of us me working and earning some money my son spending time with his nana and it makes me really look forward to the evenings and weekends as a family.
I think some people take to it a lot easier than others and I struggled with it loads.

 

[gingajewel]

I was just about to say, I no its not ideal but could you volunteer somewhere just one day/morning a week and that will give you some confidence in applying for some jobs and also get you a reference.

I am sorry your feeling so down, I'm sure your a great mommy and doing your best. X

 

[mummylove]

mummylove, I'm sorry your having such a tough time. I'm not disabled so i cant even begin to imagine how much harder that makes things but you're right about your partner though you would get more help if he was employed rather than self employed (stupid world I know!).

I think your kids will understand when they're older about how much harder it was for you to get work in your situation.

I know what you mean about getting wound up easily, its so frustrating when it feels like the whole world against you, the phrase 'you take one step forwards and ten steps back has never been more true than now' (even though its probably just in our heads).

I don't want to tell docs or go on anti depressants because I want to get somewhere and battle my way out, I don't want to accept that THIS is my life because when I do I worry what will happen.

Its so wrong to say that 'THIS is my life' because I'm basically saying that I need more than my daughter and I don't hate my daughter I love her, but I need more to feel successful in this society. Like you I worry what she will think of me when I'm older, I worry my partner will leave me when he realises what a failure I am and how much I drag his life down.

anyway sorry to here you're feeling this way, hopefully your doc can help you out with everything.

Good luck x

Shame we dont live closer hun could of met up i used tive in staffordshire im from tamworth

 

[JaeSung]

I'm feeling this same way. I really want to work, but never get hired.

I'm sorry you're going through this, too.

I hope it gets better.

 

[LightsInSky]

Dont beat yourself up sweetie!
Its hard enough for people with qualifications to get hired atm never mind SAHMs!
You're only 23, you can put 'Career Break' on your CV and then explain that you took time out to have a child. Volunterring is like GOLD on a CV, honestly employers love it! Have a look around, red cross and age concern shops are always looking

 

[Pearls18]

Hun you need to take control of your life, I have been in your shoes scared of what I had done with my life and feeling sorry for myself, but only YOU can change things. Pick up your course materials, look out for volunteer work, google different careers, DREAM BIG. I genuinely believe anything is possible if we put our minds to it, find out what you want to do, and find a way to do it, it's the most empowering thing you can do in the world, it has made me a happier person and a better mum