I Need Advice Regarding Baby's Dad

[Sb86]

I need you all to let me know what you think is right, and the best thing for baby..

I'll try keep this short.
Me and baby's dad were never in a relationship. We just casually slept together and the one time we didn't use protection, I got pregnant.

At first he didn't want to have the baby, then we met up once after I told him about the pregnancy and he told me everything would be ok and that maybe we would be in a relationship (He had months earlier asked us to be in a relationship then changed his mind..)

Anyway, that was 6 weeks ago and I havent seen him since and the one text message conversation we had 4 weeks ago ended in an arguement and me telling him to not contact me and him saying "Fine".

SO, yesterday after my 12 week scan I thought I would text him the scan pictures and say sorry.
He was very short with his replies, said thanks for the pictures, said Yes when I asked if he was bothered or not, and when I said that he didn't have to see me, I could just be in touch once baby is here, he replied "maybe" and conversation was finished.

My question to you all is this: Do you think mother and father should at least try have a friendship?
I think they should. How am I supposed to trust someone I don't know with my baby?
I know I trusted him enough to sleep with him but that's nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

What should I do? I don't intend to bombard him with texts, I can't make someone do something they don't want to do, but do you think the father should see the mother during pregnancy to try make a friendship?
What is my next step in this?
Do I just leave him to be in contact if he is or isn't?

 

[maryanne1987]

I'm sorry for the situation your in hun. I do agree that in a perfect world it's best if mum and dad arent together that they should at least be friends but unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way. It sounds as if your being fair and haven't harrased or bothered him in the last few weeks but in my opinion should he have contacted you to ask when the scan was and possibly ask could he be there? At least message to ask how it went. Yes. You shouldn't have to be the one doing all the chasing. You both made the baby together. Even if it's a text every week or something just to ask if baby is ok. Is there no way you two can arrange to sit down and talk. Ask the extent he wishes to be involved? At least maybe then it may give you some clearer answers and then you will know what to expect. I hope you manage to sort this very soon. Hugs.

 

[Sb86]

Maryanne, thank you for your reply.
I don't see why we can't sit down and talk, I just don't want to seem like I am hassling him by asking to meet up. I know he would think I'm trying to see him cos I like him or something - sounds so juvenile!

 

[maryanne1987]

At the end of the day hun your just trying to do what's best for your child, he should be mature enough to see that. He has a responsibility as a father to be there for his child and provide for it also. You must need help buying all baby needs. Maybe ask him to meet making it clear it purely to put arrangements in place for the child. I was in a similar postion when I had my son so I really do feel for you, I remember how difficult it was.

 

[TTC First]

It seems that this guy has an issue with commitment so personally I would not want a man to be a father to my child if he can't commit. If he is going to be a father to the child he need to commit to being a father.

I would keep sending him updates or photos every once in a while but not ask for anything from him. At least you can say that you kept him in the loop and it was his decision not to be a father.

I think that many many men have trouble grasping the father concept during pregnancy. Women experience everything in the pregnancy so it's real to us it's not really real to them till the baby is here. Maybe once the baby is here he will change things up and be willing to be a father to the child.

Either way, you will be able to raise this child to be a strong independent person.

 

[oneill614]

Of course you want your child to know his dad, but this guy sounds immature. I would encourage him to show you support and spend time with the child and hope that he matures. But if he doesn't treat you with respect, then accept that it's best to not have him around.

 

[Jessicahide]

Sorry he is being such an arse at such an important time... I tell everyone I know including married women who become pregnant nothing is 100% and you must think of you having the baby on your own. I tghunk you are being very adult with him, well done to you for that... Why don't you invite him out to dinner and have a conversation in person, tell him you want to be friends and both be involved, he he doesn't play along, then you did you bit.

 

[Sb86]

UPDATE:
After texting him this morning to ask him to let me know if he wants any involvement, he replied telling me he doesnt know if he wants to be involved and he needs time. I have given him the date and time of the 20 week scan and told him he has my number and I would like him to at least let me know what he decides so I don't have to wonder.

Gutted for my baby having a dad who doesn't want to know. And also sad for the grandparents that won't even know they have a grandchild.

 

[crazycatlady5]

Sorry to hear about your situation. In a perfect world yes of course you want the father to be a part of your child's life and to try and make it work.

As a teacher the kids I see who are affected in the worst way are the ones whose parents are constantly battling over the kid and switching back and forth between homes and fighting in front of the kid etc. there are lots of kids who do just fine with one consistent parent. It's the ones who have all the drama between the two parents that aren't together who suffer. If the dads just not in the life they seem to deal ok usually.

 

[MissR]

He sounds like he's being really immature. Sorry you are in this situation. It really isn't fair as you both created this life. However, I agree with PP, I think it's worse to have a mum and dad always at war with one another, than having one consistent happy parent. I'm sure you will do a great job of raising your child without him. You sound like you have the right attitude about it. For the record, I was bought up by just my mum and I turned out just fine. My dad has never wanted to know and my mum raised me in a way that I really am not bothered by it. Well done you for doing things the right way xx

 

[maryanne1987]

That's very sad hun. I'm sorry to hear that. Focus on your beautiful baby and try not to let it get to you too much. I'm sure you will be a brilliant mummy, my mum raised me alone and I never felt I missed out on anything. If he's gonna be like that then maybe pop and get yourself some legal advice in regards to providing for his child. He may not want to be a father but he still has to provide. Good luck!

 

[orionfox]

Sad to hear you are having difficulties. Unfortunately it is all too common with complete surprise babys that the people had no intent of thought on. Seems like he wasnt ready for kids yet and you two hadnt actually talked about it much before the oopz happened. Many women think all men should think and act like we do and chalk it up and deal with it now that it has happened. Unfortunately men are simply not wired that way. It took a bit until my hubby was emotionally ready to try for a child and then we did. Im quite sure he would have been withdrawn if we had an oops baby before then. That is why it takes great thought and preparation before having a child as its not an easy thing to digest all of a sudden. Hopefully one day he will come around, but you cant expect him to chalk it up and start being involved right now. Obviously he was not ready for commitment let alone a baby. Unfortunately it is what it is but you will be strong for this baby.

 

[orionfox]

So really my only advice is you have talked to him and given the date and he knows he can contact you, so now just focus on you and the baby. As for the grandparents not knowing, if he doesnt come around then id say he was just not ready for a child yet and its what happens when its never been discussed properly especially if you are going to have that bit of fun without protection. There are many others in your same situation unfortunately. But obviously you are fully aware of what happend. Hopefully you can continue to remain strong and be a good mother for your child. We are all human

 

[tallybee]

Sorry this is happening hun

I agree that it's crap that he's not interested, in an ideal world he would be but he can't e forced, it's true that children do great with one consistent parent. A father who isn't interested floating in and out of their life just causes grief. You'll be a fantastic mummy and give your child all that he or she needs. You should never feel bad about that! xx

 

[Joeyzgirl]

The way I would try to see it, is that it is good he is being honest. I think men, even when they know that they are ttc, panic when they first hear. They don't have to deal with it like a woman does, and some men can't handle it. Even though it feels like the child will suffer without daddy, honestly if he doesn't want baby, it's for the best he doesn't force himself to be in your lives. Once his decision is made though I would be very clear, if he chooses not to be involved, how you feel about him changing his mind once the child comes. That is a personal decision of course, but for me it would be hard to let him be involved once the child is 4 and he all of the sudden wants custody...
Hope everything works out for the best, just try to enjoy the pregnancy and the mini miracle you are growing and just put father on the back burner, if you can.

 

[MeaganMackenz]

If it were me I would be doing exactly what you did, give him a chance keep him informed of the big things and or any problems that arise etc. That way at least if he has a change of heart later he won't regret not having known about things during the pregnancy.

If he does come around, try to work out a friendship. Try to see how involved he wants to be and start small. If it's during the pregnancy see if he wants to do any shopping with you or something. Not ideal, guys and shopping, but it might ease him in to pick out an item or two. Or something else, I don't always have great ideas haha.

I don't have any good words of wisdom for if he doesn't come around other then to say try to broach his family when the baby is here or even when you're further along. He might not want involvement but maybe his parents are a different story? Or siblings or grandparents. I would extend an olive branch for coffee or something and give them the chance to decide if they want to be aunts uncles grandparents etc. I know it might seem like you're going behind his back, but if it were me and they agreed to meet I wouldn't make it look like you're trying to make them make him change his mind. Just give them a chance and tell them the door is open for a relationship with your son/daughter.

I hope that wasn't long winded or preachy! I feel strongly on the family bit, if I had a son and he got a girl pregnant I'd want to be a grandma whether my son wanted to man up or not. I'd be sad if I didn't get the opportunity, hopefully his family is the same.

Brace yourself for the worst, hope for the best. Some of the best mom's I know are single mom's it's tough but theyre badass

 

[orionfox]

Good suggestion, however im not sure if she has even been in contact with his parents since they were never in a relationship besides just having sex. So she may have never met them i dont know. If she has then its def worth a shot. He may not have even told his parents about her if they were only having sex and not in a relationship. I know i wouldnt inform my family about a guy if i wasnt in an actual relationship with him let alone have him meet my family yet. I think thats why she is saying they wouldnt even know about the baby. Just my thought on it.

 

[MeaganMackenz]

You're probably right but she could try with social media being what it is it might not be difficult to track down his mom or sibling privately
Hopefully that works out if he doesn't want to make it work, that's his choice sadly but hopefully his family feels differently.

 

[Smile181c]

my mum did exactly what you suggested meagan when I was a baby, my bio dad didn't want to know but my mum took newborn me to his parents house and I've always had a good relationship with my nan and grandad etc. I met bio dad when I was 8 and have spoke to him once or twice a year since then? And it hadnt affected me negatively x

 

[Serenjay]

I would write it all down and post a letter...

When it's in a letter it's a one off thing.. explain that you would rather be friends than nothing so that the baby knew where they came from and no pressure..

If a relationship comes from friendship that would be good, if only friendship happened then the baby will be happy having both parents about

Good luck x