I really want to adopt

[CurlySue]

Hit me like an epiphany today. Was on that Be My Parent website today and saw this child I totally fell in love with. Made me feel really sad that I cannot go and pick him up tomorrow. Made me think of Round 2 of IVF as just another stepping stone to what I am truly meant for. Made me think of 'trying again' as a chore; something that needs to be gone through before I can get to where I need to be.

I don't for the life of me think IVF is going to work. I don't for the life of me think that I am ever going to have a child that is biologically mine. I just know that I have to do this for OH, more than anything, but the thought of going through it all again when it's truly not what I want to do is just filling me with this overwhelming sense of dread. I don't want IVF. I don't want invasive treatments. I want that little boy. Or another little boy like him.

This is just awful. Its like what I want is again so far, far away.

I just don't want to lose another child when it seems to me that I was never meant to carry one in the first place. Losing those two last month just confirmed that to me.

 

[BizyBee]

sorry CS for all that you've been put through...

 

[CareBear]

I kind of feel the same in that I honestly believe now that I will never carry my own child and is one of the reason's I won't do IVF. Which little boy caught your eye on Be My Parent?

 

[maz]

Oh CS - I am so sorry for everything you've had to endure, but I'm glad that you now feel you know where you want to be. I hope your journey to that destination isn't too bumpy - you really deserve to be a mummy, and any little child will be very fortunate to have you as their mum.

 

[CurlySue]

I kind of feel the same in that I honestly believe now that I will never carry my own child and is one of the reason's I won't do IVF. Which little boy caught your eye on Be My Parent?

A little boy named Rydan with huge eyes and a beautiful moon face who just learned how to say Dad and Cat.

It breaks my heart that the person he learned to call Dad is not the person he will be calling Dad in the future, you know?

Have you thought of adoption? It'd be nice to know of someone else who has the same thoughts as me.

 

[CurlySue]

Oh CS - I am so sorry for everything you've had to endure, but I'm glad that you now feel you know where you want to be. I hope your journey to that destination isn't too bumpy - you really deserve to be a mummy, and any little child will be very fortunate to have you as their mum.

Oh, love, I hope you get where you want to be, too. I've accepted it, now. I don't particularly want to but I will do the IVF just to say that I did my best. OH wants to do it. He wants to see what the consultant says next Monday but truly, even if it DOES work I still want to adopt. I still want to take one of those poor children and give them what they don't have.

 

[CareBear]

I kind of feel the same in that I honestly believe now that I will never carry my own child and is one of the reason's I won't do IVF. Which little boy caught your eye on Be My Parent?

A little boy named Rydan with huge eyes and a beautiful moon face who just learned how to say Dad and Cat.

It breaks my heart that the person he learned to call Dad is not the person he will be calling Dad in the future, you know?

Have you thought of adoption? It'd be nice to know of someone else who has the same thoughts as me.

I have thought about it but after going to work in an adoption agency and seeing the intensity of the reports and assessments , it has put me off a little. I understand the reasons they require such indepth assessments but for me I will always feel angry that I would have to justify that I will be a good parent whereas if I could get pregnant noone would ask me any questions at all. There are also other reasons that I don't want to go into here but I see these children and wish I could give them the loving home and family they need and that I know I could provide.

 

[CurlySue]

That's understandable, Carebear. I guess the way I see it is I could be trying and trying to no avail for the few years it would take for me to adopt a child and if I have to justify my reasons for doing so then so be it. I had to justify my reasons for wanting IVF, after all. I know I'd be a good mother. I know my OH would be a good father. He has a good job. We have our own home. We both have loving families. There's no reason why we'd be turned down.

 

[CareBear]

Sounds fair to me, I just know that the way I think will not change and so for that I believe I would not be approved. Plus I don't want to talk about mine or DH's childhood and past with a complete stranger. I love to have one of the children but I am not prepared to be judged and scruntised for it and I commend & have a lot of respect for anyone who goes through the assessment. I think as well that my overwhelming desire for a biological baby means that I would be happy carrying on trying but I am also happy to be as we are if it doesn't work if you see what I mean! I think you're do great through an assessment and as you said there is no reason at all why you would not be approved.

 

[CurlySue]

Oh, don't get me wrong, I want a biological baby, Carebear, I want a child with perhaps my eyes and OH's smile but I just don't think it's ever going to happen and my desire for a child by far overrides my desire for that child to have my eyes or it's father's nose, if that makes sense.

Each to their own, really. I have nothing to hide. I've already exposed myself physically on numerous occasions for IVF. I might as well expose myself emotionally.

 

[CareBear]

I know what you mean and completely understand and I didn't think you didn't want a biological baby more than anything, I know that is what you want more than anything and I hope it happens for you I really do and I believe that you would adopt even if you have your own child as well.

I don't necessarily have things to hide with people I trust, I just don't want to be judged and scruntisied if you know what I mean! I think the fact you have had to do it to a certain extent for IVF probably helps a little. As you said each to their own and I think we all have limits on how far we can go with things if you see what I mean and I am completely aware of how low my barriers are but thats me!

 

[maz]

Oh CS - I am so sorry for everything you've had to endure, but I'm glad that you now feel you know where you want to be. I hope your journey to that destination isn't too bumpy - you really deserve to be a mummy, and any little child will be very fortunate to have you as their mum.

Oh, love, I hope you get where you want to be, too. I've accepted it, now. I don't particularly want to but I will do the IVF just to say that I did my best. OH wants to do it. He wants to see what the consultant says next Monday but truly, even if it DOES work I still want to adopt. I still want to take one of those poor children and give them what they don't have.

I feel the same way CS ... I'd love to have my own biological children, but I'd love to adopt as well. I think there are lots of children in care that would do so much better in a loving home, and I believe that my DH and I could provide that loving home.

Good luck with your next cycle of IVF. Do you know when it's likely to be?

 

[CurlySue]

Oh CS - I am so sorry for everything you've had to endure, but I'm glad that you now feel you know where you want to be. I hope your journey to that destination isn't too bumpy - you really deserve to be a mummy, and any little child will be very fortunate to have you as their mum.

Oh, love, I hope you get where you want to be, too. I've accepted it, now. I don't particularly want to but I will do the IVF just to say that I did my best. OH wants to do it. He wants to see what the consultant says next Monday but truly, even if it DOES work I still want to adopt. I still want to take one of those poor children and give them what they don't have.

I feel the same way CS ... I'd love to have my own biological children, but I'd love to adopt as well. I think there are lots of children in care that would do so much better in a loving home, and I believe that my DH and I could provide that loving home.

Good luck with your next cycle of IVF. Do you know when it's likely to be?

No idea, love. It took a letter of virtual complaint to even get a follow up, which is a week tomorrow. By then it's already eight weeks since D&C so in theory they should let me start it around four weeks after that. Depending on how it goes on that day though I might just tell them to go and screw themselves.

 

[puppymom32]

CS,
I feel the same way you do. I too think maybe I just was not meant to have my own child. My DH has mentioned it several times that maybe we just werent meant to be parents. I too have thought about adoption but like Carebear said it ticks me off that any crack whore or druggy can have a baby but if you want to adopt one you have to go through so many hoops. I know my hubby and I would make wonderful parents but you just never know when you are putting it in someone elses hands. Good Luck Hun.

 

[CurlySue]

I think the reason you have to go through such hoops though, puppymom, is because these are particularly vulnerable children who have already been abandoned, left behind, pushed around from pillar to post, some abused, mentally, physically, some unloved. Some have attachment issues, some have deeper issues even than that. If I have to answer 5000 questions so that it can be determined that I am the right person to take on such a damaged little human being then so be it.

Inevitably, the benefit has to go to the child. I understand that any druggy and prostitute can get pregnant and have a child of her own but a lot of the time it is this druggy or prostitute's child who is up for adoption. They've already suffered that injustice. The child deserves to be with people who can offer them what the person that gave birth to them cannot. Love. Stability. Safety. The kids deserve that. They deserve for it to be absolutely certain that those who take them on as one of their own are going to look after them.

The way I am beginning to see it is, they've suffered enough and if it takes stringent checks and justifications before I am seen as someone who can take these abandoned children and love and nurture them; if I am trusted to do what their birth parents could not do, then I will go through that.

I really have opened my eyes a lot recently.

 

[puppymom32]

Totally understand what you are saying most of those kids have had a rough road in one way or another. I know where I live there was a case of adoptive parents neglecting their child until it died. It was a pretty hot topic around here after that so I can see where you want to be sure where you place a child. I just worry because my husband and I are interracial and worry that might be an issue. It shouldnt be but you never know.

 

[CareBear]

I could put how I feel but I can't because I could be putting my job at risk. I agree with you CS, but like everything else in this country I feel this is yet another thing that has gone from one extreme to the other. Puppymom is right as well in that you never know what will happen in someone else's hands, what judgement they will make and therefore a conclusion which will change the rest of your life. However whilst saying that I do agree with the statement that anyone can become a mother however it is a completely different thing to be a parent (or words to that effect I'm sure someone can say it better than me!)

 

[CurlySue]

Why would you be putting your job at risk? Unless everyone at work knows this is you, I mean...

If I am turned down, so be it. At least I can say I tried. That is, when OH feels ready for this step. As of yet he doesn't, not at this moment. He is not ready to make that step yet but I know that I am. They say that over 95% are approved and the remaining 5 either have issues that can be resolved or are so fucked up they should never try to adopt.

I'm neither fucked up or hopeless.

I would imagine an interracial couple would have a good chance, puppymom. I know that in this country it is not generally the case that a white couple would adopt a black child, for instance, but if one parent is black then I'm sure they would be given greater consideration. I could be wrong, of course.

 

[puppymom32]

CS,
True there mayb a need for more interracial couples to adopt. I am White and my husband is Latino and we would be willing to take any child that needed a good home. We got burnt a few years back as my niece who was only 20 had 3 babies and couldnt take care of any of them. Her oldest was 4. We asked to take her home with us as we live like 800 miles from her and to my suprise she said yes. Poor little girl wasnt potty trained or knew no english only spanish. Her brother and sister were from a different father who my neice was with at the time and he didnt want my (great)niece (who was not his daughter). So the mom signed over her rights to us and we took the little girl home. I had nothing prepared to have a four year old. Had to buy everything clothes furniture toys all of it. Got her enrolled in pre school and everything. 3 mo later her mom called and wanted her back said she had left the man she was with and was living with my mother in law and doing better. I didnt want to let her go but I knew it would hurt a lot less at that point then later. And even thought she had signed her over and I knew I could keep her I didnt want that little girl growing up thinking that I had kept her from her mother. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. Even though I only had her for a few months I got so attached and so did my husband. We still see her every year when we visit the family and she is doing good and the mom has cleaner her act up but I still have resintment for her putting us throught that. I know with adoption it would be way different circumstances then with family.

 

[CurlySue]

Awful thing to happen that is, puppymom. I suppose there is always a risk of that happening if you adopt from close family. I am a little confused as to why she was allowed to do that, however, since she had already signed over her rights as a parent, had she not?

I guess these things need to be legalised and safeguarded to reduce the risk of such a thing happening.