I think OH drinks too much (advice please)

[Wtbam]

Hi there

I was just hoping to get some advice from people who are not involved in the situation, as I don't really want to talk about this with people I know.

First of all, I just wanted to say that my OH is a wonderful partner a lot of the time, he is caring, thoughtful and generous. He cooks for me and makes sure I am happy. But, he has this problem and I really need your advice on whether it is a problem, or whether I am making a "mountain out of a molehill" (his take on the situation!)

I am 27, OH is 37 and we both have fairly stressful jobs (he works shifts, so has chunks of time off at a time).

I was pretty much t-total before I got pregnant, I would have the occasional wine when out but to be honest I got my "drinking" out when I was a teen and no longer enjoyed doing it - plus I have had mental health issues in the past and so don't like feeling out of control through alcohol. Obviously now I don't drink anything as I am pregnant.

My OH has always drunk a lot, both at home and when out and about. He rarely gets "drunk" (I am assuming either because he has a strong constitution, or perhaps he has built up a tolerance to it?) and he doesn't get angry or aggressive after drinking, he is just normal.

My problem is that he drinks every night, and he drinks a large amount (or I think it is anyway - so opinions needed). For example, on a normal night, he will drink at least three cans of Stella Artois, or a similar amount of wine. Often, he will drink more than that, that is a minimum.

I looked up the amount he was drinking on the drink aware website and worked it out to be 6+ units per night - 42+ units per week. He does not (cannot?) go a night without drinking.

He HAS made an effort recently in that he switched from normal wine to low alcohol wine, and then Stella Artois (a lower percentage alcohol) but he is still drinking a large amount and EVERY night without fail.

We have rowed about this over and over again but we seem to be going in circles. I tell him I am worried about his health, and the fact that after he has been drinking, he will still drive because he "feels" as though he is fine (When I am with him, I don't let him, but I know he does it when I am not there, and if we go out and on the rare occasion he is designated driver he will just drink anyway and then drive so another reason why I never drink). I tell him surely that amount of alcohol every day CANNOT be healthy.

He tells me that;

1) It is none of my business
2) He needs a way to relax because of his stressful job (although he drinks when he is on leave so I don't understand this)
3) He isn't getting drunk so what is the problem?
4) He needs to have an outlet
5) To stop nagging him!
6) He COULD go a night without drinking, he just doesn't WANT to
7) He has just given up smoking, why should he give up alcohol too?

Last night we had our biggest row about it yet and he stormed off (and drove!). It started because he had drunk 1/2 bottle of red wine, then offered to drive myself and my mum to the shops, and my mum commented on it. Then, when he got home, he drank 3 cans of lager.

I asked him, how am I going to leave the baby with you if you cannot go a night without drinking? He told me other people drink in charge of children, but I said that I would not be having that with our child. He might not "feel" drunk but the alcohol WILL have an affect. Plus, what happens if he needs to take the child to the hospital? Just drive over the limit? He doesn't get the fact that it is not just his life he is putting in danger, it is everyone else in the car and everyone else on the road, even if he FEELS completely normal.

I would really appreciate some help here. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know whether he is actually drinking a LOT because I am not a drinker, or am I right? Should I just keep my mouth shut or is what I am saying important?

I deeply love my partner and I feel as though he has a problem. He might not be drunk or it affecting his life, but he definitely has a dependency. In a previous heated row about it I called him an alcoholic. He told me he was not an alcoholic because he didn't have to drink throughout the day, but to me, an alcoholic is someone who needs to drink alcohol on a regular basis?

He says to me that he has just given up smoking (for me!!!!) so why should I make him give up alcohol too. I do understand that but surely the health risks (liver problems??) and also the cost should be enough? I wouldn't mind if it was like 1 or 2 cans per night but I really feel that more than that is excessive. Or is this really none of my business? Please be honest, I need some honest unbiased opinions.

Thank you for your help in advance, and please don't judge us!

 

[baby_maybe]

Firstly you are not being unreasonable!

Your DH sounds exactly like my mum was when I was a teenager, a high functioning alcoholic. She would say exactly the same about being able to go a day without drinking but not wanting to. Unfortunately no one could make her see sense and it took years for her to eventually stop drinking every day. She still drinks at least twice a week though.

Your DH definitely needs help, but he will need to admit that he needs help and be willing to get it before anything changes.

 

[sethsmummy]

^WSS

You are in no way being unreasonable and by the sounds of it he really does have a problem... and the fact that he wont admit it shows to me more that there is a problem.

I would not allow anybody to drink whilst looking after my children.. not to that extent.. one or two cans on the odd occasion yes.. but no more.

unfortunately until he admits he has a problems i dont think your going to be able to make a difference.

It also bring the thing in that if someone else knows he is drinking that heavily every single night.. once you have had the baby.. will they report it. You are right that he is not only putting himself in danger but everyone else too especially when he drives! Would you ever consider calling the police and telling them that he out is drink driving? he perhaps needs a shock to realise what he is doing is actually really wrong.

And hun.. you are a very very strong woman for looking for ways to help him instead of just letting him go. You are an amazing woman

 

[Wtbam]

Thank you for being supportive and understanding and not judging.

In some ways, I really wish he could get caught. Don't get me wrong, he isn't driving dangerously because he is not obviously "drunk" (in fact, he is a very good driver), and it doesn't happen very often. What bothers me the most is the fact that he thinks it is OKAY because he FEELS he is fine.

This is perhaps because I won't drive if I've had even a sip of alcohol - over the top maybe but I don't want anything to affect my concentration. My Dad said something to me once that stuck with me - when you get behind the wheel you are becoming solely responsible for a giant metal killing machine - it stuck with me ever since.

He thinks because he feels ok and can "handle his drink" that driving is fine - and any time it has happened (in the early days) when I have been in the car he drives normally.

On the other hand, if he were to be caught, it would cause us a huge problem. He works in a hospital in the centre of the city and his bike (he drives a bike not a car, but is insured on my car too) is his only way of getting into work. Plus, I would guess a drink driving charge would probably affect his job as it is NHS and they don't look too fondly on that sort of thing. If he lost his job we would have major money issues, particularly with me going on maternity and dropping 75% of my wages.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make him see that he needs help? At the moment he just says I am making a mountain out of a molehill, that I am nagging, that it isn't serious, that it's just a "drink". But surely if it is making me this anxious it needs sorting. Plus, I am wondering, do I have a right to ask him to cut down when he has also just given up smoking?

 

[apple_20]

He does sound like he's dependent on drinking to relax he just can't see that as a problem. Maybe he thinks it's normal? Was his dad the same.

Unfortunately until he recognises that it's not normal he won't change. If he thinks you are just nagging he won't take it seriously. I would consider talking to someone who you trust to raise it with him tactfully maybe someone in his family?

My main concern is the drink driving as he seems happy to put himself, you and your unborn child at risk.

 

[Wtbam]

Thank you. I should have mentioned this actually but I do think his dad drinks a lot - and not sure if it relevant but one of his sisters is an alcoholic (he is very different to her though). I do wonder if he was brought up thinking that driving under the influence is okay.... much like the row we had about his mum smoking around the baby and me whilst pregnant ("well she smoked the whole time she was pregnant with me and I'm fine" - but hey, that's a different story and a different battle to fight!) So sadly it does seem as though he comes from a family of "drinkers" - not a bad thing in this day and age until it becomes a dependency problem.

Breaking up with him isn't an option at the moment. I know he will be a brilliant Dad, I love him, and I want to raise a child in a family environment but I do not want that child seeing this behaviour and thinking it is OK to drink every night. I'm sure there are ways around it, but making him SEE that what he is doing it not right seems to be the stumbling block at the moment.

Last night, I said to him "Why can't you listen to what I am saying?" he just replied, "Why can't YOU listen to what I am saying?" Says it all really.

 

[sethsmummy]

oh my gosh hun tell me he doesnt get on his bike after a drink. i really hope he never has an accident as just the slightest impairment can cause catastrophic consequences. at least with a car it has 4 wheels to keep him steady

hmm has he ever seen any talk show things where they show the people what damage they are doing to themselves by drinking that amount ever day? maybe seeing something like that will help xx

 

[Wtbam]

That's a good idea....

Yeah he does. Thankfully it is only a small bike (125cc? I don't know much about bikes!) so the max speed is limited - but still. I just can't get through to him that even though he doesn't FEEL drunk doesn't mean his concentration isn't going to be affected.

 

[pinkribbon]

You aren't being unreasonable at all. To me it does sound like a problem and an addiction or a habit.

The fact he drink drives is real problem, both for him, other motorists and pedestrians in general!

My ex is an alcoholic and I would suggest that he sees a GP. People with addictions can only help themselves ultimately though

 

[Wtbam]

Thank you so much for all commenting, it's so good to be able to talk about this with people who understand.

He went to the GP recently because he was feeling tired, and putting on weight. He thought he had a thyroid problem.

The tests all came back normal so I said, did you tell the GP how much you drink? "Of course, and he said it's fine".

I know he was lying, because I know that this is not an acceptable amount to drink. Surely this should have shown him it is causing an issue, but he said that if there was one it would have come up on the tests.

I just want to clarify, it is very rare that he actually does drive after drinking as it is normally drinking in the evening followed by bed, but the fact remains that he will if he needs to, which I have a problem with.

 

[sethsmummy]

That's a good idea....

Yeah he does. Thankfully it is only a small bike (125cc? I don't know much about bikes!) so the max speed is limited - but still. I just can't get through to him that even though he doesn't FEEL drunk doesn't mean his concentration isn't going to be affected.

oh gosh, yeah thats a small bike and if i remember correctly they are limited to 60mph (or my mums was anyway). Its so scary... i wonder if he even realises how much stress you must feel every time he goes out driving drunk.. i cant imagine you can relax till hes home. My dad has always told me about how even alittle drink in your system can really effect you.. you might not feel it but your response times will be a lot slower.. and on a bike that can be the difference between life and death. for yourself and for others around you. He wont ever step on his bike if he has had a drink.. he wont even drive the morning after.

I hope someone on here has some experience hun. And dont worry i dont think anybody will judge you xx

 

[lisa1980]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

It sounds like an excessive amount of alcohol (double the recommended intake for a man) and the fact that he can't go without for a day is a worry.

Could you persuade him to see his GP? I've often found a little blood test which can show early levels of liver damage is enough to scare people into seriously cutting down, but he'd obviously have to agree to go of his own accord.

The driving thing would worry me too. He doesn't feel or seem drunk because he's built up a tolerance but if he were to get stopped and breathalysed the levels would likely still be high enough for him to lose his license as a minimum.

 

[UnderPressure]

I agree that your OH has a problem... But I just don't know how to get it through to him.

The fact that he quit smoking is great, but quitting smoking doesn't eliminate any of the risk from his drinking. As a child welfare worker, I support your choice to not allow him to care for his child while drinking.

 

[Wtbam]

Thank you. It is really hard for me as I am not sure whether I am over reacting or not. I know a lot of people drink when they have children at home, so when he tells me I am over reacting by saying I don't want to leave our baby with him when he is drinking - I don't know whether he has a valid point or not.

To me, it doesn't feel right, but I do not come from a "drinking family" and I drink very little myself, so it is hard to compare and be sure I am not making a problem out of nothing.

But all of your comments have really helped - now, would one of you like to come and talk to him and get through to him for me?? LOL!

 

[lovinglife28]

You are not overreacting. From what you've said he DOES have a problem. Sadly, people with this addiction do not generally admit/recognize it until something really bad happens and they hit 'rock bottom'. It sounds like he's no where near ready to admit he has a problem or change his behavior. I would not get into a car with him, nor would I leave my child with him unattended. While he may not be blubbering drunk (as he has built up a tolerance) he is still NOT sober and is under the influence. I grew up watching this in a family member and later on in friends and it is a disastrous addiction that affects the lives of everyone involved. You've said he has a family history with this disease and that is probably why he sees what he's doing as normal,which it's not. Getting through to him is gonna be really hard and I would suggest contacting some support groups for those who have a loved one with alcoholism. I'm not sure how useful a GP is going to be since he wont be truthful with his. My main concern at the moment would be that he not drive intoxicated and possibly kill someone or himself. I hope you can get the support you both need to heal and get him on the path to being sober and in recovery. I will not lie, this will be a lifelong battle for him, especially with his family history but it can be done. Good luck.

 

[pinkribbon]

Thank you so much for all commenting, it's so good to be able to talk about this with people who understand.

He went to the GP recently because he was feeling tired, and putting on weight. He thought he had a thyroid problem.

The tests all came back normal so I said, did you tell the GP how much you drink? "Of course, and he said it's fine".

I know he was lying, because I know that this is not an acceptable amount to drink. Surely this should have shown him it is causing an issue, but he said that if there was one it would have come up on the tests.

I just want to clarify, it is very rare that he actually does drive after drinking as it is normally drinking in the evening followed by bed, but the fact remains that he will if he needs to, which I have a problem with.

The doctor would have definitely said it's too much, the amount you described is well over the recommended units I'm sure.

I feel for you, I really do. It's hard to be that person screaming out that they need help and the other person being completely adamant that there's no problem and you're being over dramatic, I've been there.

As I've said earlier my ex (my two boys' dad) is an alcoholic and he used to go out drinking and just not come home, he used to get obliterated every time alcohol was available... He didn't even turn up to his eldest's second birthday party because he was too drunk. It took losing us (there were other things too, but drinking was a big one), almost losing his job because of coming in drunk and having his own family more or less say he was an embarrassment for him to finally see the GP. I have little to nothing to do with him now and that's what it's taken for him to realise he has serious problems.

I know this probably sounds really over dramatic but it did start out kind of like what you're describing. It makes me want to reach out and send

 

[Zeri]

Thank you. I should have mentioned this actually but I do think his dad drinks a lot - and not sure if it relevant but one of his sisters is an alcoholic (he is very different to her though). I do wonder if he was brought up thinking that driving under the influence is okay.... much like the row we had about his mum smoking around the baby and me whilst pregnant ("well she smoked the whole time she was pregnant with me and I'm fine" - but hey, that's a different story and a different battle to fight!) So sadly it does seem as though he comes from a family of "drinkers" - not a bad thing in this day and age until it becomes a dependency problem.

Breaking up with him isn't an option at the moment. I know he will be a brilliant Dad, I love him, and I want to raise a child in a family environment but I do not want that child seeing this behaviour and thinking it is OK to drink every night. I'm sure there are ways around it, but making him SEE that what he is doing it not right seems to be the stumbling block at the moment.

Last night, I said to him "Why can't you listen to what I am saying?" he just replied, "Why can't YOU listen to what I am saying?" Says it all really.

Alcoholism tends to run in families so I'm not surprised. When you see one alcoholic in a family you will usually find another. His drinking habit may stem from the environment around him growing up (seeing people drink regularly) as well as a biological predisposition towards alcohol. Unfortunately, a biological tendency towards alcohol may make it harder for him to break the habit.

I think you have every right to be concerned. I would be too, and would be really worried about him driving and watching the baby. The issue is that he doesn't see it as being a problem and as someone else said, unless he sees it as a problem he's probably going to continue seeing you as a nag and may be unlikely to get help or change his behaviour.

Many alcoholics don't get help until they suffer some extreme consequence such as job loss, car accident, or threat of losing a relationship etc. As long as they continue to function well without consequences it might be difficult for him to be motivated towards change. It's kind of a catch 22 as you don't want to break up the relationship or have him get into accident or something, but at the same time you want him to realize that he has an issue.

Would he open to reading some material on alcohol dependency (what it looks like, short-term, long-term effects etc)? I think he needs some greater awareness of his drinking habit (and its link to his family history) and how it could cost him in the long run....would be good if he could get this insight without having to hit rock bottom first.

 

[DocMcStuffins]

I'm sorry you're having to cope with this right now and I do agree with everything the other ladies have said.

You are definitely not overreacting and it really does sound as though he does have a problem with alcohol.

Unfortunately again like the others, until he can admit it, I'm not sure what you can do to help him.

What is the plan when you go into labour? Who is meant to be driving you into hospital (assuming you're giving birth in hospital). Is it him? What will happen if he needs to drive you in during the evening/night and he's had 4 or more cans of something or a bottle of wine? Will you still allow him to drive you? Can he not see that it's just not ok?

Have you ever actually written it down, the amount he drinks and added up the units and shown him, like so he can clearly see what legal driving limit is and what he's drinking? Could you try printing out some real hard facts about the amount of alcohol he's drinking and show him so that perhaps he can put it into context a bit?

If I thought for one second that my oh MIGHT consider driving whilst over the limit with my babies in the car then no matter how it might affect us financially I totally would report him whilst he was out drink driving. It might not happen often, but it just needs to be that one time that he loses focus and god knows what could happen. I'd much sooner him have to struggle getting a bus or taxis to work, or even risk a disciplinary or being fired than think that one day he may risk my child's life. I'd rather him lose his job than me lose my child.

I do think that until they get a reality check nothing will change, and I do believe that that reality check will have to come from someone other than you. Imagine how he might feel having to explain to people that he was caught drink driving. That's pretty shameful and might be the start of the wake up call he needs.

You clearly love him and want what's best for him so for me I'd want to take some drastic action to 'save' him.

Hugs though hun, it can't be easy to deal with what you're dealing with.

X

 

[Dibbles]

I doubt this is going to be a popular opinion but please hear me out.

I understand you're concerned about your OH's drinking habit and your future as a family.

He seems to be a reasonable man and otherwise thoughtful and caring. He is also a mature adult capable of making his own decisions.

You have voiced your concern and your opinion numerous times and in numerous ways I'm sure. None have been met positively.

If you keep bringing the subject up it will just cause more fights and resentment on both sides, and eventually the resentment will tear your fanily apart. He knows how you feel and doesn't need to be told all the time.

I suggest you embrace him as he is and find solutions to your concerns: eg. find someone else to stay with the baby if he is drinking, he can pay the babysitting fees; find someone else to drive you if he has been drinking and you don't want to drive; etc.

Don't do it to 'punish him' or because 'there isn't another choice', no do it because you have accepted that this is part of who he is and if you choose to live with him you have to accept him as a whole, otherwise you will build resentment towards him which would make you miserae.

You have to see this as a positive choice you have made to better both your lives. For example when you suggest the baby sitter don't be mean or spiteful about it, just say that although you love him dearly and trust him you would feel better if there was a babysitter with the baby so that you could both relax. If you have built up love instead of resentment and hurt, he should easly agree to the idea.

If you insist on nagging him and punishing him things will snowball from bad to worse (as you have seen). If he finds that you are accepting of him then with time he may stop drinking. But don't let that be your goal. Your goal is to live and love together as a family unit.

It is worth a try, you have ready tried talking/yelling/reasoning/begging. You can't keep repeating the same method and expect a different result. I speak from experience (unfortunately).

Best of luck and hope you have a H&H pregnancy

 

[Monzter79]

Hi! Sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm in recovery myself, and I've been sober for quite some time.

Is your oh an alcoholic? That's a question only he can answer. You love him a lot and seem very happy in your relationship, minus drinking.

I'm hearing- he's prone to excess with drinking but does exercise SOME level of self-control. He doesn't act drunk or "crazy",functions at work, maintains his household responsibilities, and seems to be a productive and loving partner. That doesn't necessarily mean he's NOT an alcoholic. But, it does put him on a different level than most folks in recovery- generally speaking.

All that said- the driving has to end. It's all "fine" until it's not. Beyond endangerment (himself and others)- he has ZERO control over what others do on the road. If somebody hits him and he's even a SMIDGE over the limit- he's going to jail, could lose his license, insurance WONT cover the damage, and he'll likely be found liable for the other driver's damage/bodily injury as well. You can't afford it! And that's not even a "worst case scenario". Snap your fingers- that's how quick your life can change.

It's irresponsible. He's well grown and about to be a father. Time to grow up. If he really believes he doesn't have a problem, then it should NEVER be a problem to honor your request (and the law) by not driving while over the limit.

As far as watching the baby goes- no. He can't do it. That's it. God FORBID anything happen! Again, it's not just about his choices. Shlt happens! Life happens! Unforseeable things, injuries, emergencies-etc. He needs to be ready to handle whatever is thrown at him when he's alone with your child. If he doesn't have a problem, it shouldn't be a problem to stay sober while watching the baby. Heck- even at my worst I could stay sober for driving and babysitting!

I don't think you're asking for too much! He's not going to stop if he doesn't want to. Nothing you say/do will change that! The truth is you aren't going to leave- you love him. So the drinking- you're going to live with it. That's your end. His end is to not drink and drive/child watch.

Also, he needs to start thinking about his long term health. Even 3 drinks a day -not a raging alcoholic by any means- has MAJOR health implications over time. Add to that occasional benders.. It's going to shorten his life. That's a fact. What he chooses to do with it is up to him. (I think I remember you saying he's a bit older than you) if he wants to be around for weddings and grand babies, he needs to think about it.

If you think the compromise I mentioned will work for you- I'd definitely suggest talking it out. Maybe he can make a couple of changes that you can live with!