I think OH drinks too much (advice please)

[Wtbam]

Thank you all for taking the time to help, I appreciate each and every comment.

Things have sadly moved on a little. After our row on Tuesday night, he didn't come home, and didn't respond to any phone calls/messages all day and evening yesterday. I saw on facebook messenger that he had "read" them and when I asked his friend to call him, he picked up immediately.

I am so hurt that, regardless of the situation, he would knowingly put me through this stress (bearing in mind I have struggled with my anxiety in the past). This morning I went to the emergency doctor as my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe, and he said I MUST avoid stress because my blood pressure is unusually high and that my pulse is racing (tachycardia ?? I think he said). Obviously he doesn't to give me any sedative type medication so he asked me to go home and do my best to relax.

While I was there, I asked him "rhetorically" about the situation. He told me that anyone drinking that amount on a daily basis (regardless of an addiction or not) would start to see health issues within a few years if not sooner. I didn't tell him about the driving because I didn't know whether he would have to report that (sounds awful I know but I just can't think about that right now).

Zeri, I have been on the drink aware website and worked out how much he was drinking and printed it off. He then went on it himself and told me it worked out at 2 units per day which is normal. 2 UNITS! My arse - total denial I think.

DocMcStuffins, I have already thought and worried about what happens when I go into labour. First off I don't want him driving me there drunk (and I won't be able to drive myself), and secondly I don't want him to support me through it all the while knowing he is under the influence. I can't believe he would want to cloud that memory with drink either.

Dibbles, I appreciate your opinion, but I don't think I can embrace his drinking as it will end up causing resentment from me towards him. It will be constant until he drinks himself into an early grave and then I will resent him for not being there too see his children grow up. Also, I don't want our baby to grow up watching his/her father drink every night and thinking it is OK. Children learn by example yes? How can I teach that alcohol is only fine in small amounts when he/she sees that every night?

After doing some research, I have come to the conclusion that he is what is known as a "high functioning alcoholic". He holds down a household, job and college course, but still has an addiction meaning he cannot go one evening without drink.

Thank you so much for all confirming my thoughts on both the driving and looking after the baby. I don't know how this is going to work if he won't change his ways, as I am not prepared to accept this as part of him. I have never been addicted to alcohol, but in the past I was addicted to anti-depressants, and only managed to get shot of them because of pure willpower and riding out the storm of withdrawal symptoms. Surely this little life growing inside me should be enough of a motivation for him??? I guess only time will tell.

Again, thank you so much for the support and not judging me.

 

[Dibbles]

Wtbam, we will all be here for you whatever you decide

You definitely don't want to build up resentment because even if he does decide to stop the resentment for time lost will remain simmering under the surface.

Sorry if this is a silly question: but have you tried talking to him when your both happy and calm and he isn't drinking? Maybe you can come to some sort of understanding then? Maybe he can leave out what he has drank at night so he can see it the next morning and so it will sink in how much he is drinking?

Unfortunately like everyone said it has to be his decision and he has to do it himself. You must be amazingly strong to be able to stop anti-depressents! Kudos to you!

Best of luck and may God give you strength and clarity of mind.

 

[sethsmummy]

Oh gosh huni I can't believe he put you through that! Has he come home yet hun? I know you really love him hun but your ultimate priority needs to.be yourself and your baby... can you accept this kind of behaviour when he is supposed to.be a.grown adult and.a soon to be dad.
Unless he used that time away and actually realised your right and was trying to deal with inner turmoil. But that still doesn't excuse the stress he is putting you under.

 

[DocMcStuffins]

What someone else said made me think, can you save all his cans, and empty wine bottles etc, everything he drinks while at home and then show him at the end of the week so he can physically see just how much he's drinking. Sometimes it can be a real shock to see it all there in front of you.

X

 

[mmMlm]

You can buy a pocket breathalizer - if you can get him to test before going anywhere, it could help him to realize that he actually isn't fine to drive...

 

[Wtbam]

A pocket breathalyser (sp?) is a brilliant idea - although I will have to think about how to advertise that to him without sounding patronising or controlling.

So, he rang me yesterday and acted completely "normal" - I was furious! He has never gone AWOL before and I couldn't believe he expected me to not worry. He said he was angry about being accused of being an alcoholic (I didn't actually use those words but hey ho) and needed time to "think". I still have no idea where he stayed. He asked me if I was okay and I said no. I told him I had been to the doctor because of the stress he had put me through and asked him to leave me alone, and hung up. I just needed some time to think things over and formulate a plan of action. Plus, I needed to go home and try to relax a little bit.

Later than day, he contacted me and asked to talk, so I agreed. We met up, and had a long conversation about a lot of things. I won't go into it too much but the main points were that

1) he doesn't agree he has a problem, yet won't go to a doctor with me to talk about it (I asked if he would see the GP with me and discuss it, and if the doctor said it was a normal habit/amount I would never mention it again).

2) He has agreed to not drive after any alcohol (We rowed about how much the "legal limit" was and I said any alcohol is not good before getting in a car. He doesn't agree with me but agreed to do it).

3) He has agreed to have 1 day per week of no alcohol

4) He has agreed to cut back before the baby is here

Now whether or not he sticks to these terms, only time will tell. The only weird thing was that when I said, "I don't want our child growing up seeing his/her daddy drinking every night and thinking that is acceptable" he looked at me as though I was an idiot and said "You don't think I'm going to drink in front of the baby do you??"

Completely baffled - I said what, are you going to go into another room then??

I don't think he realises how difficult it will be to just suddenly stop, and perhaps now it is slowly coming home to him.

Interestingly though, after the conversation, that night, he had one beer just before bed and that was it - so he WAS making an effort. Lets just see if it continues.

So, we left that topic and moved on to the fact that I was so disgusted with him about going AWOL. I made it very clear that it was not acceptable for him to just have no consideration for anyone else but himself and disappear and not let anyone know where he is. His defence was "well I was angry".... well hold on, you have a BABY on the way. Are you going to do that when the baby is here? I really let rip on him, particularly because I have recently had a consultant appointment where they asked me if I would like to be referred for mental health support due to my "history" and I told them I didn't want to, because I had adequate support from my partner.

Well, not only did he not give me support, but he put me in a very difficult position, one that was actually very dangerous for someone who is in recovery from anxiety, depression and self harming issues. Obviously nothing happened but it could well have done and I can't take that chance again. Yesterday I called the midwife and asked her to resurrect the referral to the support team. I need to make sure I have adequate support in place, particularly after the birth (post natal depression is on my radar) and if my OH has done this before, I can't risk him doing it again and being in that situation again.

Anyway, thank you again girls for all your help and support. I hope he sticks to his "plan" - your advice and comments has really, really helped me through the last few days and helped me see how I needed to deal with it. Previously I have let this go,and you showed me I needed to stand up to him and stick to my guns. Thank you so much, you have all hopefully helped me change our lives for the better. xxx

 

[DocMcStuffins]

Well it definitely sounds like a step in the right direction! I'm glad you've stuck to your guns. Hopefully he realises now at least that you won't be just letting it go.

Hopefully he'll do his best to stick to his new promises and prove that he really isn't reliant on alcohol. For him to have one and then stop instead of his usual 4+ is a promising sign and I hope it continues for you both.

I still think a pocket breathaliser is a great idea incase he does ever want to drive somewhere after a drink and 'feels fine'.

Keep us updated with his progress! Hopefully it just gets better from here. It sounds as though he definitely needed you to stand up to him about it all.

X

 

[sethsmummy]

Well it definitely sounds like a step in the right direction! I'm glad you've stuck to your guns. Hopefully he realises now at least that you won't be just letting it go.

Hopefully he'll do his best to stick to his new promises and prove that he really isn't reliant on alcohol. For him to have one and then stop instead of his usual 4+ is a promising sign and I hope it continues for you both.

I still think a pocket breathaliser is a great idea incase he does ever want to drive somewhere after a drink and 'feels fine'.

Keep us updated with his progress! Hopefully it just gets better from here. It sounds as though he definitely needed you to stand up to him about it all.

X

exactly what she said im so glad your making a little progress and im also glad your going to have a support team around you hun I had depression and self harmed for a few years when i was younger and i know myself that having support in place is crucial

well done for sticking to your guns and i pray that he will stick to his promises hun! xxx