i thought we were over this.....

[loopylew]

im soooooooo pissed off! we wait all bloody month to ovulate then DH cannot perform again, 2 nights in a row, ON PEAK DAYS!!!
We had this problem before and he reckoned i was pressuring him. Since then ive not talked about ovulation etc. This time round because its the first time ive ovulated at a "normal" time in the month i couldn't help be excited. It's total crap, i feel stupid going to the consultant saying we've not got pg in the past 13months when we don't BD at the right time!!
Feels like ive just hopefully sorted my luteal phase out and now this AGAIN!!
I really am starting to think that he doesn't want a baby, in my heart i don't feel thats true but its doing my head in. He has a little girl already and he doesn't have the same yearning that I do, he says he does but he can't have. Sorry girls for moaning, just don't have anyone else i can vent at!!

 

[alphatee]

i totally understand how u feel my other half was the same & i even got the feeling he didnt really want a baby.it got to the point where all we did was argue & he even said all i wanted from him was his sperm not his love!!!it took us 2 half yrs to get a ...stick it out love you'll get there in the end xxx

 

[loopylew]

Thaks hun, makes me feel better that im not alone. I know DH doesn't think that as we BD all way through month etc, its just always around this time which is the worse, just when its most important! How did you react? i know ive not acted normal this morning and we've not even spoke about it, just made me angry last night when he fell asleep.

 

[Sami]

I understand exactly what you are going through, just the other night me and DH had a big row because I said it was the right time and we needed to BD and he said it didn't seem exciting anymore and it's just doing it for one reason!! He also said that sometimes it's too much pressure and he has trouble coming (sorry maybe a bit tmi)!

We ended up talking it through and I explained to him that at the moment it has to be like this, we don't have much choice as we both desperately want a !

Stick with it hun, just sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and that it's not always a bed of roses for you either but for now you just have to get through this stage and it will al lbe worth it in the end

 

[Beckic]

Oh sweetheart - i ahe had this happen so many times and it is the worst - you know it is becasue they are stressed so you know you shouldnt make a fuss cos it will stress them even more BUT you have been gearing up for this for two weeks and cant help but get upset, which then gets them upset, whcih leads to more arguments and the cycle is f**ked.

It did happen quite frequently to us where he just cant finish and it is ALWAYS when I am OV never the rest of the month - as much as he can say 'its cos ive had something to drnk' or (the usual) 'i need the loo' or 'im worried about work' I know that the TTC must have something to do with it.

I think they are under more pressure than I give my DH credit for TTC wise - I suppose i just see it form my point of view all the time - its just that BDin used to be fun and he wanted it all the time and never not managed to perform - now suddenly i am forcing him into bed - and he knows why so now when we BD he knows that its all about the finish - as much as the other big O for me is nice - I just want to get it over with and get my legs in the air!!!

After arguing about this for literally years now we have started a new tactic:
1. i never never never get upset in fornt of him anymore - I cry in the bathroom / when he is not there if i need to and i come on BnB for help - I have stopped turning to him for help because he just cant give it and it ony makes things worse.
2. i drop hints that it is the right time around the right time but never actually tell him I am OVin and I then come on to him when I want to BD and tell him I am really horny etc... and he must know that it is becuase its the right time but I think somehow kids himself that its really cos I want him and we end up BDin without me having to go 'I dotn care if you dont want to we are I am OVin'.
3. (TMI - sorry) - i have started being EXTREMELY vocal during sex adn telling him how great it is, how big it is etc... all the usual - but I think me constantly encouraging him seems to stop him from thinking i'm lying there thinking of England and waiting for the spermies.

we have not had problems in bed since and actually have had good fun Bdin again.

it is crap for me cos I feel like there is part of my life and feelings i am hiding from him - if there was one person i thought i could be open adn honest and myself with it was him - but if this is it what it takes then i will bear this burden by myself.

I would love it if like Sami's OH we could sit down and talk about this - but my DH just isnt like that i am afraid - hes not one for talking through feelings. (Sami - want to swap?)

i think the more we talk about it with them the worse it gets - i have always felt that he should be involved - but have now come to the conclusion that if my silence helps hm then I suppose i have to.


its a crappy situation honey - adn I am so sorry that this has happened to you now after everything it took for you to get here. i really hope that you manage to make up and get some BDin in today.

I really feel for you angel and I know exactly how you are feeling.

Bx x x

Ps a trip to ann summers has also never done me any harm!!

 

[Sami]

Beckic - trust me it is not always plain sailing for us but, I know I am lucky that he will talk about these things with me!

A trip to ann summers is a great idea....I may have to pop in over the weekend!!

 

[maz]

Sorry to hear what's happening hun.

My DH was finding it tough on some occasions too, especially as I told him when I was Oing - but then he did insist on me telling him but that's another story. Anyhow. Since we have been trying for 4 years the likelihood of it happening naturally for us is very remote, so we are going for IVF hopefully within the next couple of months. When AF showed up last week, I told DH that I was no longer temping, charting, CBFMing, or POAS, and that was left up to him. That way we can relax into it a bit more. I'm not telling him what CD I'm on, I'm not telling him anything as it'll just pressurise him a bit more. Do you think taking a break from charting, temping, etc for a couple of months, would be helpful to you both? If you BD regularly throughout the month anyhow, it might help take the pressure of you both.

Hope things sort themselves out hun

 

[lonate]

OMG girl I know EXACTLY how you feel!! DH & I have had these problems many many times. I get angry sometimes and cry, and it does make it worse. Now I try to leave the room for a little bit and get mad and cry and then come back in room and act like everything is fine. One time (or two times) it just totally ended up not happening at all bc he couldn't get hard at all (sorry tmi) and he went to sleep and that just made me so mad because I was left awake thinking about how "this was the time" and now it we fu**ed it up.

You are not alone in this subject, I just wanted you to know. BIG to you!!!!


--Lesley

 

[CurlySue]

Love, the best way of going about it is not to tell him you are ovulating. Just get him up for it, get it in the mood, make it about sex, not babies.

If you wait so long for 'the right time to perform' it backfires. You can understand why it is difficult for them. They know how much it means. They know it's all down to them to 'come' so to speak.

So...keep it to yourself. Mention it only if you need to. Otherwise, he'll just suffer performance anxiety.

God knows my OH has...

 

[loopylew]

OMG girl I know EXACTLY how you feel!! DH & I have had these problems many many times. I get angry sometimes and cry, and it does make it worse. Now I try to leave the room for a little bit and get mad and cry and then come back in room and act like everything is fine. One time (or two times) it just totally ended up not happening at all bc he couldn't get hard at all (sorry tmi) and he went to sleep and that just made me so mad because I was left awake thinking about how "this was the time" and now it we fu**ed it up.

You are not alone in this subject, I just wanted you to know. BIG to you!!!!


--Lesley

yep thats pretty much the same for me. Managed to speak to DH about it yesterday once id calmed down and stopped being angry/upset. Just not gonna tell him anything, he said he prefers it that way. I only told him this month cos i was so excited about ovulating a week earlier than normal. Gonna go back to old plan and not pressurise him at all. Although his "pressurise" is me telling him we're ovulating, that is literally it! Thank you for your support though, its good to know im not alone

 

[CurlySue]

Just the fact that you tell him you are ovulating adds pressure. For example, imagine the word "interview"...

Just a word, right? But it's not the word that is the problem. It's the associations with the word. You know you only get one chance. You don't want to blow it. All of the practice interviews didn't mean anything but this is it, this it the one. So, you go in, you stand in front of the interviewer, and you still get that feeling in your stomach.

The word "interview" is associated with nerves. With performance.

When TTC, to a man, the word "ovulating" means that everything hinges on your performance, too.

Tis all in the mentality.

 

[loopylew]

Just the fact that you tell him you are ovulating adds pressure. For example, imagine the word "interview"...

Just a word, right? But it's not the word that is the problem. It's the associations with the word. You know you only get one chance. You don't want to blow it. All of the practice interviews didn't mean anything but this is it, this it the one. So, you go in, you stand in front of the interviewer, and you still get that feeling in your stomach.

The word "interview" is associated with nerves. With performance.

When TTC, to a man, the word "ovulating" means that everything hinges on your performance, too.

Tis all in the mentality.

Yeah i know, i aren't gonna mention it next cycle at all if i can, he knows when we're ovulating though im sure but i physically won't mention it