I'm out- how do you all cope?

[Macwooly]

Hi,
I'm new to the forum! We've been trying since May 2010 still nothing. Each month it gets harder and harder. It's effecting my work. I'm over sensitive cry constantly. I'm fed up with myself the all consuming merry go round. Stop I want to get off. I have pregnancy symptoms regularly and my period comes. I went for an apointment at the fertility clinic at my local hospital.
The scan was first. The waiting room was great I sat opposite pregnant couples with a children in a prams. The nurse asked me how far along I was lol. Then the specialist a week later no scan results? No sperm results from gp? Just a lecture about being 40, NHS can't help even tho my partner is 32 yrs? All I heard was the negative robotic lecture my partner thankfully heard the positives.
My period was late lol in order to have the scan to check my tubes I needed this period to arrange it 10days after. It's all such a mess and I feel rubbish and trying hard not to give up. My friends try to help but they dont get it. I'm starting councelling next week to help me feel less like a failure.

Firstly

DH & I were TTC for 11 cycles in 2009 and eventually my depression got to such a point that I did get off the merry go round and went for councelling and had 8 months on antidepressants. But July last year I came out of the worst of my depression; my GP recommended Vitamin B complex and Fish Oil Omega 3 whilst I withdrew from my antidepressants and in March I felt strong enough to get back on the TTC merry go round.

I still have bad days when the voices in my head tell me "shouldn't have stopped trying for over a year"; "you're too old"; "you'll make a useless mum", etc,etc but then I come on this site and find such inspiration and support from the wonderful ladies on here

I do find real joy and inspiration by reading about the other ladies getting their BFPs Don't get me wrong a really deep sense of envy goes through me that they have theirs and I am waiting on mine but on the whole for me it is an inspiration. But in November 2009 I would have felt as though my heart was being ripped from my chest and would have been beyond reason reading about other people's BFPs.

But the councelling helped me get to a stage where I still have a strong desire to have a baby but to be positive in my head and heart that one day I will get my BFP and one day I will hold my LO

Well done on accepting the help that councelling will hopefully give you and I am sure you will find as much support and understanding in the over 35s section as I have done

I really hope you find some peace to continue with your journey for your own BFP and in the mean time loads of