Including children in the homebirth?

[heidi87814]

Hi all!

This week, I finally made the decision that a home birth would be the best option for me. This is my first pregnancy so everything's going to be very new when labor finally comes along. I don't really know how I'm going to handle it.

I've gone through everything with a calm, open mind so far and would like to think I'm going to do the same when it comes down to giving birth but who knows what'll happen, right?

My kids'll be 8 and nearly 9 around that time and DH and I have been wondering whether having them there in the house will be a good idea or not. We live in an apartment which isn't huge so if they're here, they'd definitely bare witness to what was happening and get to experience everything.

On the other hand, if labor goes on for a while, I don't want them to feel uncomfortable.

My parents and some family and friends from the states are coming over so that they can be here for support when it happens. DH and I also talked about my dad and brother maybe taking the kids while I'm in labor and letting them go out for the day(s?) and stay with them at the hotel everyone's staying at.

But if that happens, I'm unsure about when would be right time to bring the kids back home. Do they come back a few hours later or do we leave it a day or so to settle just after the birth?

Have any of you with other children thought about what you're going to do? Or have you been through this before with older kids? What did you do?

 

[RaspberryK]

I think that you should talk to them and ask them their opinion xx

 

[BunnyN]

I found it very important to be relaxed and have my own space during labour. Talking or anything slowed stuff down. If you think you would be at all inhibited or uncomfortable infront of them that could get in the way of labour. On the other hand it can be a lovely experience for kids too and you may feel nice and relaxed in your normal family setting. We are considering the same thing but LO will only be 18 months when #2 is born so the circumstanced are a but different. I think we are just going to see how it goes on the day. We have family close who can pick her up when we need it.

 

[heidi87814]

Thanks so much, ladies.

I can't believe I hadn't actually thought about that, BunnyN. Needing my own space, I mean. lol

I have a feeling DS wouldn't be too interested so I think I'm going to let my dad have him anyway.

DD is fascinated with my pregnancy at the moment and I really do think it would be an incredible thing to have her experience. On the other hand, she has a heck of a curious mind and would definitely be asking questions every single second. Not sure how relaxed I'd feel in that situation. That's definitely given me something to think about.

How is your LO reacting to your pregnancy so far, Bunny? Or is she too young to really understand everything?

 

[BunnyN]

I'm only 8 weeks so not showing or anything. Suffering with morning sickness for a good part of the day so OH is doing a lot of looking after her. She adores her dad so loves that. I think she is a bit young to understand but maybe it will mean more when I start getting a bump that kiks back, lol.

 

[tablefor4]

My kids are ds13 & dd8. Dd8 was fascinated with my pregnancy. We planned a home water birth and she was adamant she was going to be there. Ds13 had already done the homebirth thing when he was 5 and his sister was born. So this time we agreed that we would wake him (if it happened at night, which it did) & he could decide if he wanted to be involved.

For dd8, we explained there might be some blood, might be some yelling etc and watched a few episodes of One Born Every Minute. She's a real chatterbox so I explained in advance that I needed to concentrate and that she needed to find herself a spot and watch quietly, otherwise Very Grumpy Mum would make an appearance.
Active labour progressed so quick and i struggled to form any coherent sentences. I was pushing before I knew it - and finally managed to blurt out "Wake the kds" to DH between pushes. DD was out like a shot and true to her promise, sat quietly. Her proudest moment was when she got to cut the cord.

As it happened, ds13 decided he didn't want to get up at 1.57am on a chilly winter's morning. But he did come in around 4am to meet his new baby sister.

I think the trick is not to involve them too early in the piece as it's boring for them. Let them come and go as they please and don't force them to be present.
For dd8, it was a precious experience which has bonded her strongly to her sister.

 

[aliss]

How do you labour?

I cry like a sissy and scream so mine was left with my sister, didn't want to scare him (I also put her off ever giving birth lol). But if they are willing and understand, why not?

 

[ljo1984]

I'm going to be having mine there. My eldest is 4 and loves anything to do with labour and birth and always passes me the iPad to watch obem or call the midwife. In labour I'm very quiet so not scared of any shouting worrying her. She knows that it hurts and that's why some women do make noise (on tv).
Also show them some hb videos on you tube which will be more to form with what their experience will be like

 

[lynnikins]

id talk to them about it, my elder sister was assisting during my brother's and youngest sisters births at 13 and 15 yrs old, Mum says she was more useful than Dad lol,
I tend to labour in the night and the last 2 arrived in the middle of the night so the others were in bed, my body didnt start labour either time till dinner time then i was getting mild cramps but nothing kicked off till the children were tucked up in bed and I think it will be the same this time around. My kids are a bit young to ask and I wouldn't want them there at this point I really enjoy spending those first min getting to know our new baby with my husband, we woke the boys up last time as we needed to take one to the toilet in the middle of the night anyway at that stage so they came in to say hi to the new baby after i was tucked up in bed ( waterbirth )

 

[delilahrose]

My oldest was barely two when his little brother was born but he watched the whole birth. He was very curious. I'd ask the kids first if they would feel comfortable watching it.

 

[BunnyN]

Deliahrose. It's nice to hear experience from someone who had such a young sibling at home. LO will be 18 months. My biggest worry with her being there is that if she gets fed up and wants attention at the wrong moment OH will get distracted for the birth. Maybe she will be too interested in whats going on though.

 

[aliss]

Just to clarify my original though, my son was home! I went into labour shortly after he went to bed, he slept through most. But it was a terribly long one and by 7am (8 hours later) my sister just turned up they Disney channel volume to drown out my yelling.

Good times! I'd do it again in a heartbeat but he was on another floor of the house.

 

[BunnyN]

Lol, sounds like it worked okay for you anyway. I was in active labour for almost 30hrs last time so that part worries me a bit. I think we will need someone to take her for at least part of the labour unless it is way shorter this time around.

 

[delilahrose]

Deliahrose. It's nice to hear experience from someone who had such a young sibling at home. LO will be 18 months. My biggest worry with her being there is that if she gets fed up and wants attention at the wrong moment OH will get distracted for the birth. Maybe she will be too interested in whats going on though.

If you have a doula, that can be invaluable. At one point during my labor (I actually went into labor three times!!) my husband had to leave the room to comfort our son. My doula and midwife had been sitting in the other room to give us privacy, not knowing he had left me alone for the moment. Of course as soon as he left, my contractions got even worse. I don't know how long he was gone (probably five minutes or so) but it felt like ages. My doula came in a few minutes later and saw how distraught I was so she called him to come back in.

If you can, try to make sure there's always someone in the room with you. You could even have him keep his phone on him and you could text or call him right quick to come back in the room. Who knows, you make luck out and have the baby while she's sleeping!

 

[BunnyN]

Yeh, while she was sleeping would be good .

One problem I have is that I don't mind LO being there and I want OH there but I don't really want anyone extra. The MW was good at giving me space or helping if I needed it and we will be having the same one this time. I don't really want any family member or doula there. It's totally a personal thing because I know it works for some but I like quiet and privacy while labouring. That means though OH would be looking after LO so his attention would be divided. The first thing everyone says is that you should have someone there to look after your child and I can see the sense in it, I just don't want anyone else there.

 

[delilahrose]

BunnyN, is there anyone that can watch your LO during labor? They could take her to their house or just occupy her in another room. We didn't have anyone to watch our son so he pretty much had to stay in the room with us.

 

[BunnyN]

Yes, we have family that live close that can pick her up any time. So i think we will probably just keep her around until we decide it would be better to have someone pick her up.

 

[Feronia]

My daughter will be 26 months when my second is due, and I've already hired a doula just to give her one on one attention. Personally, I really needed my husband's support during my first home birth, so I wouldn't want him to have to tend to her while I need him -- hence the doula!

For older children, I would ask them opinion, consider how you would feel with or without them there, and then if you choose to have them, give them the space to come and go as they feel comfortable.

I just recently watched a live home birth on youtube, and there was maybe a 5 year old kid there who slept on the couch while his mom gave birth. He didn't even wake up and was 2 feet away! I've heard very positive things from people who have had children at home birth, though -- no reports of the children being scared.

 

[celine]

Good to know, my son turned 5 yesterday and is so curious but i wondr how he would do with all the blood..and seeing me in pain?

 

[lynnikins]

as i put in an earlier post my children slept through my last 2 homebirths, my body wasnt going to labour with them around as i would of been too wound up, we had backup care for them during the daylight hours if need be but for both we were home ( one after transfer post birth and returned home ) when they woke up with their new brother there