is anyone else WTT due to mental illness? POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING

[LaylitaGypsie]

I'm not entirely sure this is the right area to have this thread, but I didn't really see another area more suitable. So to the admins, feel free to move this thread if it is in the wrong place.

Since November 2013, i was determined to start ttc Iin august/September this year. Things were going well. Had a half decent job, plans to move out of home, a great support network. And my depression and anxiety were very mild, and had not harmed myself in close to 2 years.after coming off all contraception (on multiple to manage endo) in November, the symptoms of endo were next to non eexistent. I was getting excited, and was starting to make plans for a possible pregnancy.

then, July happened. Almost lost my job, found out the friend I was MEANT to move in with has changed her mind. My anxiety is making it Damn near impossible to go out in public (work is no exception. It's he'll trying to force myself to go, even though it's essential if , you know, I want to pay my bills), so my pitiful social life dwindled away to nothing. Most of my friends have decided I'm not worth their time, this includes my best friend of nearly 15 years. My entire family are constantly on my case about not being good enough. After almost a year relatively pain free, my endo symptoms appear to have returned with a vengeance. My donor has dropped off the face of the earth. My depression has gotten worse, to the point when I've given in to the need to slice my skin apart. I feel as though I'm headed towards feeling suicidal again.

so, I have made the heart breaking decision to delay ttc indefinitely. I still desperately want to be a mommy. But as much as I believe a child will bring some joy into my life, I KNOW deep down, that it'snot the right time. I cannot bring an innocent life into this cruel world, when I know I can't truly look after myself right now, let alone a baby. It would not be fair to that child.

The point of all this, I guess, is just to see if anyone else is in a similar situation? If so, maybe we can create a sort of support network on here?

 

[wishing4bub#3]

I have been where you are, take the time to sort yourself out then listen to the baby clock tick...

 

[Eleanor ace]

You are fine to post this here . I haven't been in your position but I wanted to say that you are making the right decission to hold off ttc for a while. You need time to feel better and happier and then you will be able to enjoy pregnancy and having a baby so much more, it really will be worth it

 

[spicyorange]

Have you seen sometime about how your feeling, sound like you need to talk to a professional. Sounds like your are making the right but a brave decision to delay ttc

 

[Mintastic]

I know there is a thread if you search back a bit with 2women wtt due to bipolar.

I am TTC so I hope you don't mind but I struggle with many of the same issues including former cutting and had to make a very specific and controlled game plan for getting off my meds and TTC.
It is definitely difficult but good that you are postponing - you need to get yourself healthy and safe first.
I have a strong support system now with my husband, 2-3 close friends I can talk about these kinds of things with, and a supportive and flexible job that I love, also a psychiatrist, psychologist I meet with regularly, and other doctors who are all on top of my nutrition, energy, and overall wellbeing. I had to come up with very specific strategies for how to get through this time safely. The first month or two off meds were very difficult but I got through and have been doing well for about a month now and have a lot of hope for going forward.

Thank you for the trigger warning as well. Even now being in a "good place" reading about your cutting makes me feel a little like I want to cut myself (I won't though). So it is possible to have those thoughts and still be stable when you have the supports and tools in place to not act on the thoughts.

Anyway feel free to PM me if you want to chat. It can feel lonely. When I wasn't doing as well it was hard for me sometimes reading about women complaining about the struggle to wait to test during the 2ww and I am thinking my struggle is to get out of bed and shower and go to work everyday and just get by.

I believe you can get stable again and be ready to TTC again. Hopefully it won't take too long but take the time you need. It will be WORK though. You need to commit to getting and staying well for yourself and your future child. Please call your shrink asap if you haven't already and start working on a plan. And if your shrink is no good or you don't have one at the moment get online look up reviews and get one/a better one asap!

Sorry for such a long post. Feel better and get well.

 

[LaylitaGypsie]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

I have been searching for professional help for a while now. Sadly, they are all either too expensive, students (thus destined to leave, as in what happened to the 2 I had started to trust), or I just don't click with them. I have some severe trust issues, so it can take me a long time to feel like I can open up to people. It's not as difficult online, but I find it hard to talk when it's face to face (in general, not just about my problems).

I refuse to go back on mess. Mostly due to the fact that all the ones I've tried not only made me feel MORE suicidal, but gave me another means in which to do it. So it'saactually safer for me to not be medicated.

I don'thave a lot of friends these days. But Ii do have one who has decided to pull me away for a while. I'll be staying with her for a while next month (this was the soonest I could get time off work. My boss isn't exactly flexible when it comes to illness. Mental or otherwise. Short of being institutionalized, they don't wanna know) she'sreally my only real life support. EEvidently need new friends.

no worries about the warning. I know how triggering it can be to read what's going on with other people. I never want to be the cause of someone harming them self, intentional or otherwise.