Is anyone WTT due to mental health reasons? anyone had depression+ has tips?

[Stargazing]

I'm probably the only one in this boat but... basically I have depression. Which I thought I got rid of- now it's come back with a vengeance. I've had it off and on most my life but it's definitely worse lately. I'm seeing a therapist and doing all the things to help myself get better but i'm super scared about post natal depression and not being able to cope with a child. I have almost no support in this city either.

I was originally going to start trying in a year but... now I feel like giving up all together. I feel hopeless and isolated. Anyway... 1 year of this therapy course is supposed to help. I guess we will see.

Any tips at all?

Thanks guys

 

[FLArmyWife]

Don't have proper time to respond now but posting to say as soon as I get a chance I will be writing a mini novel for you

 

[red_head]

I’ve suffered with depression on and off for a really long time. I didn’t take time out to get better before trying, and then ended up getting much worse battling infertility and recurrent miscarriage. I wish I had taken the time to heal before hand as I think I would have coped much better, and I think my mental health and it’s subsequent impact on my physical health contributed to our difficulties. In the scheme of things a year is not that long and it will be worth it if you can get better. I’m worried about bringing this into my child’s life and am really wary of pnd now. Xx

 

[Stargazing]

I’ve suffered with depression on and off for a really long time. I didn’t take time out to get better before trying, and then ended up getting much worse battling infertility and recurrent miscarriage. I wish I had taken the time to heal before hand as I think I would have coped much better, and I think my mental health and it’s subsequent impact on my physical health contributed to our difficulties. In the scheme of things a year is not that long and it will be worth it if you can get better. I’m worried about bringing this into my child’s life and am really wary of pnd now. Xx

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. And i'm sorry to hear about your struggles.

Now that I realise how bad my mental health is and that it will take time to fix, I definitely won't have kids until I feel i'm better. I'm doing everything I can. But my biggest worry is that i'll either never get better, or i'll get better then it will come back again (it tends to come in waves with my longest non-depressed years being 3 max). I don't want to put my kids or myself through that. I worry i'll go into a depression I can't get out of if I get PND. That I won't cope. Yet being a mother is the only thing I have ever wanted in life, it's my calling.

Man, women are strong. We go through so, so much.

 

[Stargazing]

Don't have proper time to respond now but posting to say as soon as I get a chance I will be writing a mini novel for you

I look forward to it

 

[FLArmyWife]

Apologies it took so long.

I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder when I was 19. My poor bf (now dh) was subject to some of the most mentally disturbing things.

I am not sure if it'd always been there and slowly got worse or if the passing of my grandmother (who pretty much raised me) set it off. It could have started when I was 12 and my dad walked out on Christmas day.. I don't know.

What I do know is, at 19, after nearly a year of the most terrible mood swings, self harm (physical and emotional), and voiced concern from close friends I finally sought help. I was put on Cymbalta and things got better. For 3 years I was on medication and did really well. Then I started noticing some memory issues. I was weaned off the medication over a course of 6 months. At first, it felt like things were fine and it relatively was until my husband left for his 2nd deployment. Now the 1st one I'd been on the medication and handled it all really well. Not the second one. I started to spiral. Though happily married I would look for ways to cause turmoil. Not sure why but I was self sabotaging. I started missing classes I'd so looked forward to taking and ultimately failed the semester and was academically dismissed from the school [as in I am not allowed back to the school]. I was caught up in drinking and smoking cigarettes [which may not seem like a big deal but for someone who watched their grandfather die from esophagi cancer from smoking, it was a huge deal for me]. I underwent several surgeries over the years prior and found myself taking the left over pain pills to numb myself. I wanted that groggy bliss feeling. The tingling over the entire body. Sometimes I would dangerously drink at the same time.
When my husband arrived home from his second deployment it was terrible. We argued all the time. We looked into divorce lawyers. We were stationed 900 miles from family but even they could feel the tension. That was the time we had starting trying for our first. What's crazy is, when I'd been in a good spot when he first deployed, that's when I had brought up trying for our first. I didn't realize just how bad I'd be by the time TTC came around. The first few months we tried... but weren't really vigorously trying. I was slowly doing better with support and understanding from my husband, but still struggling. I found a job and being busy helped. We got more serious about trying. 9 months in I stumbled on BNB. Having an outlet was the most amazing thing. The support I found here helped me so much. At the 1 year mark of trying we got pregnant. It was the most blissful 9 months I'd had in a long time. The darkness was nothing like I'd been over the past 6 years. No suicidal thoughts, no mental or physical harm, my husband and I were in a good spot. We had gone from almost weekly blow-up fights to only having 1 during my pregnancy. I think moving closer to home helped as well. Being able to have a job, be closer to family and the life I wanted, it was all just so wonderful.

When my son was born I downward spiraled in a terrible way. My husband could see it but feared who to mention it to because he didn't want me to be deemed an unfit mother. My son was only a week or so old when I, crying, looked my husband in the eyes and truthfully said "I think we made a mistake". I felt that so much. The PPD was terrible. I'd had anxieties through pregnancy that something might go wrong, but not in a life terrorizing way as what his PP. I wanted to reach for the pain medication (readily available since I had a c-section).

Fast forward to now. My son is 3 1/2. I still struggle and find days where I believe I was never meant to be a mother even though it is all I'd ever wanted. There are days I feel like I would have done better as a teen mom because my anxiety and depression didn't catapult my life out of whack until post high school.
I reached a tipping point this last December when I told my husband I had fantasies of harming our son. Nothing I'd ever act on, but still very real, dark mental scenes would come into my head. I also would start wondering what it would be like to drive my car head on into a concrete construction barrier. What would it be like to take so much pain medication I couldn't wake up? I don't want to die, but I often wonder what those things would be like. I started a search for a therapist and found one.
I started seeing her and, for the most part, she helped me off the immediate ledge. But I am still struggling.
As my son gets older I am reminded more and more of just how my actions affect him. I was so mad at him for not listening one day I popped him in the mouth. He cried asking me "Why you hurt me?" I was pissed at his behavior in the moment, but looking back I realize he was just an overtired toddler who did not deserve what I did. DH and I were screaming and arguing the other night when our son came and stood between us. He, very sweetly looked up at me and said "Mommy, you mad?" then turned and started yelling at my husband.
It breaks my heart to see how negatively my actions are affecting him.
I want so badly to do better by him but cannot bring myself to do the work. I haven't seen the therapist since April. I know I really should go back but I just can't bring myself to call and make the appointment. I don't want to go back on medication but I feel more and more each day that is the only way I will gain control. I've looked up facilities to go away to but then feel terrible because I know we cannot afford them and if I did opt to go anyways it would put my family in such a terrible place financially that it would harm them just for my sake of getting away.
My husband has wanted another child since our son was 6 months old. He told people, without talking with me first, that if it was his choice we would have had 2 children back to back. This made me so mad as it is my body, my mind, my well being put through the trials of a pregnancy while dealing with a child I couldn't handle already.
I bit the bullet and told DH we could start trying in December because we'd met all the criteria I set for myself years ago. My child needed to be at least 3 and potty trained. I did not want 2 in diapers at the same time. I also wanted my child to be attending preschool/daycare a few days a week so I could give an infant one and one time and hopefully not overwhelm myself. All those things are here. I just turned 30 and I never wanted any children after 30. So, for DH's birthday, I said we could start trying in December.
He is over the moon. I am terrified. I still daily have different visions of hurting myself (not killing myself but those drive my car into a wall vision). I still struggle with my son and find myself being cruel. But I am trying to keep myself in check. I try to remember my son crying and asking why I hurt him. I try to remember that sometimes the way he acts out is just him mirroring what he has seen me do. Some days are better than others.

I wrote all this because I want you to know you are not alone. WE are not alone. I know there are so many like us out there who suffer; many in silence. All we can do is try our best to be our best. You're taking the steps and giving yourself the time to try and get better. I know it's hard, I really do, but focusing on that is the best thing you can do for yourself. When the time comes only you will truly know if you're ready. If you think you aren't, talk with your SO and doctor; you may be cutting yourself short. You may be doing better than you give yourself credit for. We are our own worst critic. Having a great support system set in place beforehand can definitely help as well so that should that PPD hit, you won't be alone. You will already have a system in place to help you through it.

I started a blog (locate the link in my signature). It is sort of a diary for me. I can jot down feelings, things that have happened, things I'm too scared to openly admit or say out loud. But it is also a place where trusted friends can get a sense of what exactly I'm going through. A way for them to glimpse how my brain is working, how I am feeling. I also find, by being honest and writing different events that have happened, help hold me accountable. If I put them out there, essentially in public, I cannot let myself deny the things I've done or the way I've felt.

I truly hope you are able to find comfort and a support system. That your year or self work does wonders allowing you the confidence to TTC and be the best mom you have always wanted to be.

I apologize for the length of this, it was just a topic that really hit home for me.

 

[Impatient27]

Hello,

I'm coming back to this site after having my first in September 2017--loved having the support here! I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life as well, and wanted to add to FLArmyWife's response. I have felt the same way at times. My anxiety and depression were fairly well managed before getting pregnant, and pregnancy was AMAZING. I don't know if it was the hormones or the fact that I was doing something way bigger than myself, or a combination, but I had very few problems during pregnancy. After my son was born, though, we struggled. I had dark days frequently, where I didn't want to do anything, I had the nightmarish visions that FLArmyWife talked about, wanting to harm myself or my son, and my relationship with my husband deteriorated. All I did was nag and yell at him. It didn't help that we slept in separate beds for the first 5 months of my son's life. I would also frequently regret having our son, since it made everything so complicated. This all continued for about 16 months after having our son.

Two things changed at that point: (1) I started a higher dose of my antidepressant, and (2) my husband and I figured out our issues. I had to double my antidepressant dose to get the same effects as before, but it helped. However, my relationship with my husband was key. It took some major patience and hardship to finally figure out what was the problem with our relationship. It ended up being score-keeping (with our son and with house responsibilities) and not enough demonstrations of love. He thought I didn't love him and I thought he didn't love me. We recommitted to our relationship, talked through each one of our spats to figure out a solution, and made time to be physically close. Mind you, it's still not a perfect relationship by far, but just having the knowledge that he supports me and I support him, even when we are angry, is huge. We also started chore lists, a weekly menu, and a to-do chart for the week, so we couldn't be surprised when someone is late from work one day or has to do something the other didn't anticipate.

I still find myself depressed sometimes, for 2-3 days in a row, my anxiety isn't great, and I lose my temper a lot with my son, but it's a hell of a lot better than it was. Our son is 2 now, and can express himself when he is frustrated, so that's been helpful too, even if he does have temper tantrums all the time... I love him with all my heart and don't regret having him any more. He can make me laugh so easily, and his hugs and giggles are seriously the best. If I could have a do-over, I would probably wait another couple years to have him (and take a few more exotic vacations...), but I wouldn't choose to not have him, like I did when he was younger.

So the moral of my story is to have a support system. If you have a therapist and a supportive partner who will stick with you through your lowest points, and maybe some family and friends who will be able to watch your baby when you need a break, then make your dream come true! Also, most doctors don't hesitate to keep women on antidepressants during pregnancy, but if you don't want that, consider seeking out a homeopathic remedy. I'm seeing a naturopathic doctor to prep for my second pregnancy (hopefully early 2020), and she has prescribed a bunch of vitamins for mood plus a homeopathic remedy. I've only been on it for a few days, so I don't know the ultimate result, but it's certainly worth a try since it's totally safe during pregnancy!

 

[Stargazing]

thank you so much for all of your beautiful, raw and honest replies. I am sorry my response has taken so long, i've been trying to distract myself from baby-fever as it takes over life sometimes.

I really appreciate you all for taking the time to share your story with me. I've taken some great tips from all of the responses i've had.

Great news update though- I have gotten out of this depression ... ironically as soon as went off my antidepressants I instantly got better and now I feel like a whole new human being. Way more positive, hopeful and energetic. I realised that my meds were too strong for me and making me feel nothing- like an exhausted zombie. All I did was sleep- sometimes 14 hours a day. It took away my motivation and will to live. So i'm massively celebrating this- although I understand it is likely to come back again at some point in my life.

I never really considered homeopathic remedies for depression so that is definitely something I will seriously look into. Also for me exercise is so crucial for my mental heath- but i'm often too tired. it's a difficult circle really.

I guess the most difficult part i'm finding is that I only have a very small support network in this city- only made up of 3 good friends- because i'm not from here. I'm single and considering doing it on my own. I've done everything else in my life on my own and always been very independent... I have my own house and money but this is not something I want to do without help ideally. However I am also very very aware that I have PCOS and difficulty getting pregnant (my ex and I never managed to). I have been told that pregnancy will be difficult for me so I really just don't know how long to leave it before I take it into my own hands and choose to do it alone.

I really don't know what age I should cut off waiting and just go for it.

 

[Bevziibubble]

I'm so glad your depression has lifted and you're feeling better

 

[ImpatientWTT]

Thank you for this thread Stargazing and for sharing your stories FLArmyWife and Impatient. I also wonder (worry) about how pregnancy and motherhood will impact on pre-existing mental health issues. I’m often torn between that fear and then also so desperately wanting a LO.

 

[Stargazing]

Thank you for this thread Stargazing and for sharing your stories FLArmyWife and Impatient. I also wonder (worry) about how pregnancy and motherhood will impact on pre-existing mental health issues. I’m often torn between that fear and then also so desperately wanting a LO.

Fear is a very powerful emotion. We make most of our decisions out of fear- whether or not we realise it at the time.

If there is one thing i've learnt through anxiety and depression it's that the problem is ALWAYS scarier and more impossible in your head than it is in reality.

In saying this, I get s**t scared sometimes and wonder if i'll be able to cope. Especially those days (that are still- for me- continuing) where I can't get out of bed.

I think talking about it and naming the fears out loud (or on this forum) really helps though. Instead of pushing them back.

The thing I worry about the most is realising I can't do it...when it's too late and i'm already a mother. So I can't go back.

What's your biggest worry?

PS: if it makes ANYONE feel better... I pretty much don't know one person who doesn't have some form of emotional or mental health issues... it's so much more common than you think. So we are not different or weak or weird... we are actually the majority.

 

[Stargazing]

I'm so glad your depression has lifted and you're feeling better

Thank you so much for your support

 

[Bevziibubble]

Thank you so much for your support

You're very welcome

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I have depression post cancer surgery. I ttc anyway. That's one reason I tell people " physically im great, mentally it's my worst". I toy with I should have waited and wtf, this is exactly what I wanted. I worry about depression after.