Is it selfish to want to spend a christmas at home??

[wildflower79]

A bit of a long rant, apologies in advance! but feeling a bit down about it tonight.

For the past 7/8 years we've spent every christmas with my inlaws. We've always gone on christmas eve and stayed over and then come home christmas day eve. Apart from last year when I said I wanted christmas morning at home, so I could set lo's pressies out (she had some big items that we couldn't have transported v easily) and have some time to ourselves while she opened them. I was really looking forward to having a bit of time at home and to lo opening her pressies, but the whole thing was such a rush! We'd only been up about an hour before hubby was rushing me to be setting off. There really was no reason to be off so early and I was pretty annoyed with him.

He's just brought up about christmas this year and it sounded like he'd got it all planned out in his head. Going to inlaws christmas day and staying over and spending all day boxing day there too. I'd already mentioned last year about maybe having a year at home this year, but he seems to have forgotten all about that. I really don't want to spend my entire christmas in somebody else's house. Apart from that, this year I'll be nearly 36 weeks pregnant and I'm already so uncomfortable and not sleeping well, even in my own bed. I've not been v well this pregnancy with various things and am struggling with bad anxiety.

I get on well with my inlaws and they're lovely people, its not that, its just I want to spend some christmases doing our own thing and just being able to relax at home. It'll be such a rush on christmas day trying to enjoy lo opening pressies, getting the car loaded, driving over to their town, eating dinner, walking the dogs and getting back to put lo to bed.

I suggested to hubby that we could spend christmas eve at inlaws. We could set off early, take some food and have a special meal and spend the day together. He pretty much said we can't go any other day, his Mum likes cooking dinner and would be upset and then he went off in a bad mood!

Am I being selfish and unreasonable? I really don't want his family to be upset, but I just feel like all my christmases are being taken over and I won't ever be able to get these times with my lo back. I wouldn't mind at all if his family wanted to come to ours and I suggested that after last year but he's never asked them and I actually don't think they'd want to come anyway. My brother invited us to his for dinner this year, but I politely declined because I knew hubby wouldn't really enjoy going.

How do you all organise christmas with family and try to keep everybody happy?

 

[AP]

No you aren't being selfish - I think your OH is being unfair for not discussing this before planning it all out. And what about your family and wants?!

We personally spend Christmas Day just us and the kids and do the food and travels on Boxing Day and the following days. And we love it!

 

[nulla0502]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's unfair to expect you to visit his family every year especially if you just want to spend it at home. I'd want a bit of compromise and with you turning down your brothers offer, it seems a bit unfair on what you want. It's a tough one but there has to be a bit of give and take right? Couldn't you alternate each year and visit his in laws and either spend it at home or another family members the other?

 

[c1403]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Before children we used to drive 2 hours to London to visit all our parents, siblings etc, coming home boxing day or the day after. It was a rush and to be honest I always preferred to stay at one place rather than do all the travelling. Now we have two little ones I don't want to be dragging them away from their gifts and have them sat in a car for hours, and as much as my parents miss having us there they understand the day is all about the children and we go visit them the day after boxing day and they get to do it all over again...so it is like two Christmases.
Perhaps sit down and have a chat with DH, can be hard work when someone may get upset but they have had all their Christmases with their children etc. I know my MIL complains we don't ever go on Christmas day but they do christmas different to us and spend the day drinking whereas I prefer spending the day at home with my children and seeing them happy and pulled all over the place.

Maybe ask for a compromise? Go Christmas evening and come home boxing day?

 

[DCS]

I agree with the others. Your oh is being unfair.
Maybe he doesn't realise how your feeling. I know if I told my OH something last week he would have forgotten by now never mind last year. I'd sit down with him and have a chat and be completely honest. Explain to hi. It isn't fair on your LO having to rush with presents and that your quite pregnant and would like to be Comfy at home etc.

Before kids we visited my family and OHS but I made it quite clear that once ds was born we would be staying home and they can come to us. They do and it's great because they can leave when they want. ( both families usualy stick around an hour or so) then they go off and do what they want. I think it's all about the kids. It's more important that they have a good time than the adults and if his family don't like it tough doodies, they've had long enough with it being their way, but I'm a b!tbh like that.

 

[shambaby]

I don't think you are being selfish at all, I think your oh is being unreasonable in not listening to how you feel.

We used to spend all of Christmas day visiting our families - both sets of parents and my 2 sisters, then my brother on boxing day. My siblings all had children and we didn't, so it was hectic but lovely to see the children enjoying the day. But now we have children of our own, they are our priority, they are the only people we worry about keeping happy. So, now, we don't leave our home on Christmas day. The kids want to spend their christmas in their own home, opening their presents, playing with their new toys, and pleasing themselves. They definitely don't want to be rushed and spend time in the car. So we make it clear that anyone who wishes to visit is very welcome to do so, but we will not be going out. Both sets of parents always come - hubby is an only child, so his always come for lunch, mine alternate between the four of us for lunch, but always visit at some point during the day. Even if they said they weren't going to visit, we still wouldn't go out. For us, Christmas is a time to relax and spend time together, in our own home, where we can please ourselves.

If you think this would be a step too far, perhaps suggest alternating - his family, your family, and staying home. If he refuses, ask him to justify his stance. It's simply not fair if you get no say at all on how you spend your Christmas, or that you feel unable to spend time with your own family if you wish.

 

[hanni]

I don't think you're being selfish in the slightest and your OH is being totally unreasonable. Put your foot down and insist he's a big boy now and doesn't need to spend every chritmas with mammy and daddy anymore. Especially when you're compromising!

 

[Mummy May]

No I think you need to have a word with him. He is being totally unreasonable xx

 

[wildflower79]

Thanks for all the replies ladies. It's good to hear I'm not being totally selfish and unreasonable! It's been a bit of a stressful week and hubby's birthday so I've not mentioned it since, but am definitely going to have another chat about it with him.

I think the problem is when you've done things a certain way for the last few years it kinda becomes expected that you'll just carry on doing it that way. It's just a bit annoying after me saying last year I'd like to have my own christmas, he seems to have not taken any notice, or maybe he has just forgotten.

I really hate the idea of upsetting inlaws, but hopefully once they get used to the idea it won't be so bad! We always had christmas day at home when we were little, then had a big get together with my grandma and family on boxing day. It worked well and was nice to have another special day to get excited about instead of just trying to cram everything into one day.

 

[MissElf]

Your not being unreasonable at all. Why cant your in laws come to you for a change? And what about your own family- isnt it their turn to see you and your LO on Xmas? Added to the mix- your pregnant. That trumps everything else. If you want to stay, stay. Your DH can go to his parents alone if he is that bothered and they cant be bothered to make the effort to come to you.

 

[Amarna]

I agree with all the others. You are definitely not being unreasonable. A few years ago we decided to stay home on all major holidays rather than going from house to house because I felt stretched so thin and the days were always so rushed. Christmas should be about the kids first and foremost and I strongly believe in families taking the time to make their own traditions. I'd offer to have the in-laws over or to visit them either the day before or after.

 

[dizzy65]

I really have no advice.. But just try and talk to him again and see if you can make a compromise

 

[WanaBaba]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You have your own family to think of now, we used to go to the Inlaws every Christmas and then over to my families in the evening. It was a busy day! Now we live too far away to go there for the day so we're going to have Christmas in our own home this year and I am so excited to make our own traditions etc.

 

[Blu10]

I agree with others. Its not unreasonable to want to be at home for the day and the inlaws can visit you. I love to see my parents on christmas day but since having DS they come to us.
If it makes you feel better my DH was annoyed that i wouldnt book a holiday with friends between chriatmas and new year.... our 2nd baby is due on 23rd and he wanted to go away on 27th!! You couldnt make it up could you 😣

 

[SpringerS]

Would having them call to you not be more work in some ways? Especially if it comes about that you have to make dinner? While I wouldn't want to travel on Christmas day if it meant staying overnight, I do count my blessings that, apart from breakfast, I don't have to cook or wash up on Christmas day. If having the in laws over meant cooking a big meal for more than just my immediate family I'd rather just see them before and/or after the big day.

Or if your husband really, really can't bear to not see his family on Christmas day itself, then compromise with an agreement to arrive in the late afternoon/evening for a late Christmas dinner. That way you'd have a relaxed first half of the day at home and wouldn't have to worry about cooking.

 

[highhopes19]

Your not being unreasonable at all Hun xx

 

[wildflower79]

Thank you for all the advise and suggestions. We had another chat about things and have made a bit of a compromise for this year. We've agreed to go to inlaws for christmas dinner, but not setting off too early so we can enjoy some time with lo opening her pressies. Then we'll come back home later that day.

It's not quite the ideal day I had planned in my head, but I've come round to the idea a bit now and at least inlaws hopefully won't be too upset, even though we're not staying over.

The plan for next year is to spend the day at home and I won't be changing my plans! My parents don't celebrate christmas so don't have to factor in seeing them that day. I will invite inlaws over next year and leave it up to them if they want to come. I know it'll be more work in a way, but we can do a simple dinner with some pre prepared stuff and we've got a dishwasher, so don't have to wash dishes. I still feel a bit guilty like I'm ruining everyone else's perfect christmas, but I think it's only fair we all get a turn having things how we want

 

[Blu10]

Glad its all sorted x