Is it wrong to put a boy in a dress?

[pinklightbulb]

It isn't about the gay connection for me, but unfortunately it isn't looked upon politely by a lot of people, and especially not in my area. And if Eamon isn't gay, why should he be called gay, when it isn't who he is? If he was, all fair and good, but he most likely isn't and I don't want him labelled as something he isn't. Sorry, but most straight men don't walk around in dresses in this society.

And re you not putting him in a dress: I think I said this before but you pay for the item, therefore giving him the option to pick it out of his wardrobe. If it wasn't there, he wouldn't be wearing it? I don't understand that argument.

 

[LittleBoo]

Well I also pay for my better half's clothing, no one would accuse me of "putting him in a" anything he has complete control over most aspect of his life, as he should. He loves clothes shopping. He has a few pieces other people buy for him, presents etc. but... he just prefers to have his own style. I'm cool with that. His friends LOVE his style. People on the bus always smile at him, he's my pink ninja. He also has a beatles hair cut, has had a mohawk etc, another thing I let him chose. It's had a fantastic effect on his self esteem, he's a very strong mind. He knows he's awesome, he's happy with his choice and any odd looks/comments he doesn't even notice, he's far too chuffed with himself.

He's not a target, and if he is he's damn well prepared for any negative comments by having his choices validated by the most important people in his life.

He's also not a social experiment. He's my son, he has his own likes/dislikes and I'm just happy I've got such a confident, eclectic little dude who's so comfortable in his own skin.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Something about the argument just niggles at me that's all. You do have control of your child in a way you don't of your OH so I still feel the same about it. If Eamon wanted to eat chocolate all day because it's his favourite food I wouldn't let him. If he asked to wear a dress in public I also wouldn't let him because it would do him more harm than good in my opinion, so I will exercise my parental control and say no. I'm sure no child has complete control of their lives.

Parents are there to make, or help make, executive decisions regarding their child's welfare, are they not? We are not "friends" of our children, we are their mentors and their guardians.

It's important for us to allow to them to express themselves, yes. But not to an extent that I would feel was to their detriment. I don't know many 3 year olds that understand completely what the consequences of their actions are, or why they are being bullied because of a choice they made, or they were allowed to make.

So, I would not allow Eamon to wear a dress in public, even if he wanted to, for the reasons I stated above.

I know everyone parents differently and every child is different. So what is right for my boy(s) and OH and me as parents wouldn't necessarily fit another family. I just fundamentally don't agree with the idea of setting no boundaries, or boundaries that are likely to backfire on the child if they don't understand fully what they are doing.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I would not put one of my sons in a dress. I have 3 sons they are 21, 18 and 12 now, but I picked out their wardrobe probably till about age 12 and then forget it, they wore what they wanted to. If at that age they wanted to wear that I mean I would probably be shocked, but I love my boys and whether it was cause they were gay or had a need in some way or whatever, i would accept it. I love them and I am their mother and will always love and protect them. My husband and I did have a talk a long time ago about one of our sons being gay or being different and my husband would probably have a problem with it at first but in time accept it. They are who they are and we love them unconditionally, I would never turn my back on my sons no matter what. But at a young age I am their mother and I will control what they wear what they see and what they learn, that is my job. My boys are respectful accept people for who they are and do NOT discriminate, so i did something right But no I would not let them wear what they wanted until they were old enough to really decide on their own.. JMO

 

[LittleBoo]

Aye, every kid's different families have different dynamics, what works for us doesn't work for all.

For us, this approach works. It means my son listens to me when it matters, because he knows I don't lay down the law for shits and giggles. He's a respectful little soul, he's cheeky but he's also so empathetic and sticks up for anyone who he sees being hurt/shouted at. He has his own style, I respect that, in turn he respects my few rules, he knows I don't say no for the sake of it.

I feel he's mature enough to make his own choices, especially with something as mundane as items of clothing. I feel it would harm him far more, especially at this stage, to suddenly change and ban things for the sake of it. Besides, I care about the message I'm sending to him. Dresses are for girls, girls can wear anything boys can because well, being a boy is something to aspire to, being a tomboy is cool. But a boy acting feminine is wrong, why would someone WANT to be girlish? Clearly without direction, my son likes to wear dresses, loves pink and glitter and flowers, yet I'm to tell him he's wrong? And that's not mentally damaging? I don't influence his decisions. I just don't cut him down and make him think he's better/worse because he has a penis.

 

[robinator]

personally i think some parents who have the issue are worried their child is 'gay' - or even worse they think it will 'MAKE them gay' - the little boy i mention earlier was a mini Alan carr - the voice the expressions the walk everything !!! i remember he told me that mum and dad were decorating his room, he said he wanted a pink and purple room but they said no its going to be blue with cars'- its sad but now the parents have excepted it and the change to this little boy is amazing - he hasn't been bullied and is the most funny smiley confident little boy ever and children except this -its normal to them and it stays normal until they are told otherwise.


bullying does happen and children will be bullied for all sorts of reasons -being fat being thin, having ginger hair, wearing glasses, being gay, being black, being brown, being too pale, having freckles, having goofy teeth, being named a weird name - the lists goes on and on - but its our jobs as adults to not protect them by comforming to what society says but shape our children to not care about what society says to give them the tools to grow up confident about who they are - not try and change who they are to fit in- we are all different and that difference should be celebrated.

It is also our jobs to instruct them in how society works - what is acceptable and what is not. Then they can make an informed choice. Not teaching them how society works and letting them do whatever they want is throwing them to the wolves, imo.

You may not like society, but it exists and we are all part of it. It's the people who step out of the norm who get noticed. Step out of the norm if you like, no one is forcing you to stay conformed; but be aware it will not go unnoticed. That's when comments/bullying happen. Bullying is wrong, as I think we've all agreed, but that doesn't mean it isn't going to happen. It will happen.

I hope all our children grow up to be confident, whether they adhere to societal standards or not!

 

[smelly07]

I dont agree with it when its parents forcing it or just making a point at all and i am not one of those parents but when a child is a certain way then i think its much more damaging to the child to force them to conform to what is exceptable.

And i dont agree - i think a lot more people are stepping out of the norm and/or being their true selves and people are becoming more exceptive of it.

 

[robinator]

I dont agree with it when its parents forcing it or just making a point at all and i am not one of those parents but when a child is a certain way then i think its much more damaging to the child to force them to conform to what is exceptable.

And i dont agree - i think a lot more people are stepping out of the norm and/or being their true selves and people are becoming more exceptive of it.

I agree this is true, but I wonder the motivation behind it - are people really more accepting, or is it a show so people don't call them judgemental/narrow-minded/not politically correct?

 

[smelly07]

I dont agree with it when its parents forcing it or just making a point at all and i am not one of those parents but when a child is a certain way then i think its much more damaging to the child to force them to conform to what is exceptable.

And i dont agree - i think a lot more people are stepping out of the norm and/or being their true selves and people are becoming more exceptive of it.

I agree this is true, but I wonder the motivation behind it - are people really more accepting, or is it a show so people don't call them judgemental/narrow-minded/not politically correct?

i think that some of the motivation comes from - famous people - media - music - television - seeing someone else do it and the knowledge that this is okay has a knock on effect and the more people see of it the more it becomes genuinely exceptable - also how confident they are how much support they have from parents/friends/relatives to truely be themselves. x

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

If a dress added a benefit then I would understand? My son has wore tights under trousers on freezing days lol to be warm but I dont feel like a dress has a benefit other than "trying to make a point" .

 

[Button#]

I don't think letting a boy wearing a slightly differently cut piece of fabric is wrong. I do think picking on a child is wrong. I understand people want to protect their children from bullying but it is the bullying which is wrong and not the child wearing the dress or even the parent who lets their child choose their own clothes.

To a pp who said they wouldn't buy their boy a doll, I would and probably will. I'll also probably buy him a toy kitchen. I want my little boy to grow up to be able to look after himself and to be a good father if he chooses to be one. Why wouldn't you want your child to start practicing these skills through play?

 

[Andypanda6570]

My oldest when he was a baby wanted to be a chef, he had a blue kitchen and I had no problem with that, but 3 or 4 yrs old I am sorry they cannot make choices for themselves and know what they want, it is our job what they wear what they are exposed to and so on. If by age 12 or older if they are a certain way and want to wear certain things, then I think we sit down and we talk . But I am sorry a 3 or 4 yr old knowing what they want and making choices in my opinion is just not so

 

[Rhi_Rhi1]

ALLOW yes
Force No

 

[Randianne]

kids don't make fun of him dear! He's so confident/funny/brightly coloured, he just makes friends. Funnily enough, 3 year old kids don't bully until their parents/others give them the ammunition. The only negative comments made about my son or boys in general wearing "girls" clothes, have been one or two members of the older generation, and of course the majority of posters in this thread

Sigh.

No one in this thread was making a negative comment about your son personally. I'm sure he is just as you described. And you're right, most three year olds won't bully someone unless they are taught that. Unfortunately, you cannot control what every other parent teaches their child.

To be clear, I have no problem with boys wearing dresses. Clothes don't make the man. I also think that standing up to bullies is wonderful. However, as with everything, there is an appropriate time to do it. I have every intention of teaching my kids to stand up to bullies. But not until they are ready. You can't stand up for yourself if you don't understand why you're being bullied in the first place.

We must live in very different places is all I have to say. It's wonderful that your area is completely open minded. I do not live in such an accepting area, and I will adjust my parenting accordingly.

 

[LittleBoo]

What's with the sigh? I said my son, or boys in general wearing "girls" clothes. A handful of family members have made strange comments re. my son and some on this thread have been negative about boys wearing "girls" clothes in general. So... ?

 

[BlueHadeda]

To a pp who said they wouldn't buy their boy a doll, I would and probably will. I'll also probably buy him a toy kitchen. I want my little boy to grow up to be able to look after himself and to be a good father if he chooses to be one. Why wouldn't you want your child to start practicing these skills through play?

That's fine and wonderful that you would buy your son a doll. (I'm the poster who said I wouldn't). To really understand where I'm coming from, you'll have to get to know my culture, because it's not easy describing it in a short post.

We're very steeped in a culture of hundreds of years, and very close knit communities. There's things that's acceptable, and things that aren't. Every child is raised with that. Of course one is welcome to raise one's child different. But in the end of the day, I have absolutely no desire to veer off the course just for the sake of it. Because I love our culture, I love my people, I love how we raise our kids. Yes, some things need improvement. And yes, you get those that takes things too far. Yes, some people would be close-minded. Etc. But on average, I want my child to be like those in my culture. I want my son to be like his dad. If he isn't, I'll accept it, naturally. But as long as I'm moulding him, I'll try to mould him to his father's image. And that includes encouraging his "manly" traits, and not "sensitive" traits.

That's MY choice, for MY kids. I have no desire to teach my son to be like a mother-role to his children. I want him to be a father to his kids one day. His wife (I hope) will have the mother-role, just like I have the mother role. I have no intention whatsoever, to "bring out my son's nurturing side through play with dolls".

You may not agree, but this is the way it's done in my culture, and I love it, and I encourage it, and I don't agree with people saying it makes me close-minded or unaccepting of differences. In our culture, the men are almost always, very very good fathers. They're loyal to their wives, and they are tender and sensitive to their children's needs. I couldn't have chosen a more dedicated, loving dad for my kids. And he has certainly never had any dolls to play with, since he only had brothers. But as I said, I don't mind my sons playing dolls with their sister, just as I don't mind her playing cars with them. But I'm not actively moulding them to be "more sensitive" by buying my son his own doll.

I have absolutely no problem with those parents who do. It's just not for me. And no, I AM teaching my sons NOT to tease any other child for the choices they make, like wearing a pink shirt or carrying a doll. LOL, that reminds me, when we went walking tonight, I pushed my baby in her pram, and my daughter fetched her doll and pram, and gave my 4-year old boy her doll's stroller and a doll to push. He loved it, and I had absolutely no fear of embarressment for either me or my son. But if my 11-year old son would've pushed the doll stroller, I'm pretty sure he would've had a few odd looks!

 

[Andypanda6570]

What's with the sigh? I said my son, or boys in general wearing "girls" clothes. A handful of family members have made strange comments re. my son and some on this thread have been negative about boys wearing "girls" clothes in general. So... ?

Some on this thread are giving their opinion, it was asked and it was given. This is how some feel and there is nothing wrong with that, just like there is nothing wrong doing what you feel is right for your son. This is a forum there are going to be opinions you may not like, but as long as nobody is rude (Which nobody was) then I don't consider the comments negative .

 

[Button#]

Just a thought, there was a survey in the news about gender disappointment and how most mums want girls. The reason a lot of mums want girls is to dress them up all pretty, maybe boys in dresses is a good idea!

 

[lozzy21]

Would i allow my son to wear a dress as part of dress up outfit, yes i probably would.

Would i buy him a dress to wear as part of his everyday clothes, no i would not. People are cruel and its a parents job to shield them from harm and that includes guiding how they dress to prevent emotional harm.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I am going to post a question and I do not mean to offend, I am genuinely interested. I often see posters following this route had a boy first or had 2 boys. Would you still feel the same regarding your child if you had a boy and a girl? Or had a girl first? x