I always had issues with breastfeeding. With DS1 we did combi-feeding until 6 months when my supply dried up overnight. Even then it was mostly formula since we'd weighed him before and after breastfeeding sessions and knew he never got more than 20-30cc (less than 1 oz) when he proceeded to get more than 200cc (7 oz) of formula in the same feeding session. But we still managed to (sort of) reach 6 months, so I never felt bad overall. It happened on its own and I had tried my best.
This time I was determined to do better. Indeed, my little bug seemed to have a great latch from the beginning. We used to joke that if you held him on your shoulder he would latch onto your ear. All I needed to do was point him to the breast and he would latch on and start sucking immediately. I was thrilled! DS1 never did this! Maybe this would work!
But then the problems started (again). Little bug would stay on the breast for upwards of 12 hours and cry within 5 minutes of taking him off it, which meant none of us were getting any sleep. My nipples cracked and started bleeding by the second day. And my baby lost more weight than was normal. I'd been through this before and knew what was up. Supply issues.
No problem, I thought, we can still do this. We started supplement feeding (also after the pediatrician's advice) but always after more than an hour of breastfeeding each time, to increase supply. Baby started putting on weight again. It was time to go home.
But the problems didn't stop there. My little bug started falling asleep within 5 minutes on the breast. I tried every single trick to wake him up. I would undress him, stop and change his diaper, run a cold and wet towel over his face, massage his ears, everything. But nothing could wake him up. He would just lie there completely limp with breastmilk running down the side of his mouth. This was a new experience for me since DS1 could breastfeed even asleep. But if you tried to get him off the breast and down for sleep, he would wake up hungry and crying, until he proceeded to fall asleep within minutes on the breast again. Rinse and repeat, until I caved in and gave my exhausted baby some formula to let him get some rest.
This meant two things. One, our feedings lasted close to two hours and within one hour it was time for a new feeding session. If you count in time for baby to fall asleep, I had maybe 45 minutes to wash baby bottles, use the restroom and see to my 5yo son who was left to entertain himself on the TV all day. He is on remote learning right now and I had to leave him do his online classes alone. Often he was hungry and I hadn't had the time to make him a meal yet so I was feeding him snacks. Luckily he responded great, but he was basically raising himself at this point and I was very guilty about this. And two, the baby often didn't manage to empty my breasts even with my reduced supply. Sometimes he would cooperate and get maybe even 60cc (2 oz) of breastmilk (plus the 100cc of formula afterwards, he's a big baby)! I was thrilled! But a lot of the time he would go 2 or 3 feedings without emptying any of my breasts and I honestly didn't have the time to add pumping into this schedule.
As you can guess, I got my first mastitis at 3 weeks. It was bad. We're talking fever higher than 39.5, me being delirious bad. My husband got off work even though he had little vacation days. My doctor wanted me to stop breastfeeding when I was in such a bad condition and pump and dump instead. Thing is I didn't even have the strength to hold the baby, much less breastfeed or pump at this point. My other breast got blocked ducts too. It was 2 days of misery that I have little memory of due to the high fever, until the antibiotics kicked in. Meanwhile, while we were 90% sure that it was mastitis, we still considered it a Covid scare. I had to drag my delirious feverish bottom into taking a test (which came out negative) and keep all our elderly parents away for safety reasons, leaving the both of us with little outside help.
I remember coming around when my fever started breaking and my older boy came into my room almost in tears when he saw I was up and awake. He burst out that it was his fault mommy was so sick, because he had asked for a baby and now the baby was making his mommy so sick. It took a good bit of talking and reassuring to get that idea out of his little head. My husband had to go back to work before I had recovered and I was once again home alone with a 5yo and a newborn. I tried exclusively pumping hoping that it would solve our issues but the breast pump could never empty the inside and outside areas of my breasts for some reason, so I kept getting painful hard lumps in those areas. So once the fever went down, back to breastfeeding we go.
Meanwhile, my supply went up a little. Great! But we kept having the same issues. At night he would sometimes spend more time asleep on the breast than off. Which would be fine if not for the fact that he woke up screaming from hunger and latching back on voraciously. My nipples were once again completely destroyed. At this point we were past one month of breastfeeding and I had never stopped being in extreme pain, despite having had a specialist confirm he has a good latch and no tongue tie or other issues (I think waking up and gnashing on the nipple from hunger multiple times per hour may have had something to do with this).
Meanwhile, somewhere at this time the colic pains started. Breastfeeding was no longer peaceful. He would grunt, bite, kick and cry/scream when nursing in the afternoon and evening hours. Given that our feeding sessions measured still more than an hour, this was especially painful and draining. I was getting almost no sleep. And still I had tender breasts. Cue in the second bout of mastitis.
To be honest, while bad (high fever, body-wracking chills), it was not as bad as the first time. I was slightly impaired but not completely delirious. But it felt more difficult. Husband no longer had any time-off left from his job so he had to go to work and sneakily leave early on the first day, leaving me alone to take care of the children while feverish, weak and shaking. My MIL came to help us on the second day even though it was still slightly risky for her. And I was in pain, from my breast to my hand, with swollen lymph nodes in my armpit and the beginning of more hard lumps on the other side.
At this time my doctor told me he thought it was time I gave up on breastfeeding. To be honest, I was half delirious again when we had this talk, so I was in no position to bring up objections or have a proper talk with him. But I did wait until my husband came home and took some paracetamol so I could feel a bit better and be in a position to discuss this with him. I was surprised to see my husband explode. He had been feeling like I should give up breastfeeding for some time and was relieved that the doctor suggested it so we could move on. He explained that to him it felt like we were torturing our baby with trying for hours to breastfeed when we could just give him some formula and let him rest content. Also, he realistically had no more vacation days left for his work and couldn't sneak around and leave early anymore or he would risk losing his job. So basically we couldn't risk another bout of mastitis as it wouldn't be safe to leave me alone with the children so impaired. When I called my parents, I barely even got to begin the discussion before my father started pleading me to stop breastfeeding. Apparently this whole thing had been bothering everyone more than I thought.
So, after all this, I put my big girl pants on, and started the pills to stop breastfeeding along with the strong(er) antibiotics that I would normally avoid while nursing. We began to only give our baby formula and I used a pump the first couple of days and proceeded to bind my breasts afterwards. Baby is still feeding every 2 hours, but now it's a 10 minute task of preparing the bottle of formula instead of hourly breastfeeding sessions. We got a new schedule up where husband takes over (colicky) baby when he comes home from work so I can sleep in the afternoon, while I take over at midnight so he can sleep at night and go to work in the morning. My fever has gone completely down. My breasts are now bound and not making anymore milk for the 3rd day. And I had my first diet soda in almost a year.
But I'm sad. So sad and guilty and on the verge of regret. It's too late of course now, because the medication to stop lactation is not safe for babies and it stays in your body for a long time. Heck, I'm still taking it. But I can't help but feel sad that I could only breastfeed my little one for 6 weeks. I had high hopes that this time would be better. I had more milk! The baby had a good latch! *sigh* I feel so disappointed in retrospect. Am I wronging him compared to his brother that breastfed for 6 months? Was I too quick to give up because they caught me at a weak time? Should I have waited until the fever went down (admittedly with the weaker antibiotic) so I could think this more carefully? To be honest, if I had to make the decision now, I'm not sure I would stop. But then again, I'm recovered from my mastitis, well rested and breast-pain free for the first time in 6 weeks. Perhaps I would feel different if I was still struggling. Also, I now have more time to spend with my 5yo. I was able to cook his favorite meal today. And he gets to hold the baby and play with him too now that he's not always latched onto me.
But the sad feelings can't go away. Based on my previous searches on various breastfeeding issues, every site I visit has breastfeeding related advertisements on the sides, often breastfeeding support groups (damn cookies). I cuddled my baby yesterday in a similar position to our nursing one and he tried to latch onto my shirt! I was devastated for a second. I am no longer his primary provider and that hurts. Did I make the wrong decision when wracked with fever? I know there were legitimate reasons but I also can't help how I feel. Is it hormones? Will it get better?
Who knows though, maybe I’ll change my mind over the next year or so. If we had a 4th it would for sure be our last, I couldn’t have anymore physically. 
We are settling into a routine over here. Hoping to sleep train Thomas soon and move him into his own space. In the meantime, I’m enjoying the baby snuggles 
