Jealousy towards friend...feeling guilty

[Emily2630]

When I had my two MC this past March and May there was only one person in my life who was truly there for me and supportive. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through without her support. It was a rough few months and I had a lot of jealous feelings towards all pregnant women-some strangers, some "friends." It's still really hard for me to be happy for pregnant women or moms with new babies, despite the fact that I'm now 15 weeks pregnant and this pregnancy is going very well. So my good friend who was there for me just found out she is pregnant as well. I AM happy for her, but there's this part of me that still feels jealous and I hate feeling that way. I guess I sort of feel like "why me?" I just want to be happy for her and happy for myself. I know it's normal to feel jealous initially but I feel like by now I should be getting past that, especially towards someone who was so supportive of me.

 

[Topanga053]

I've struggled with that too. One of my friends got pregnant somewhat unexpectedly right before we started TTC last year. It was really hard to deal with her pregnancy, since my loss happened right in the middle of it and she (completely unintentionally) said some things that hurt a bit. When DH and I announced this pregnancy, she told me that she had just found out she's expecting her second. She's excited to be pregnant together, but I still find myself thinking how unfair it is that I had a loss when she was pregnant before and now I have to "share" my first pregnancy with her second one. I recognize that it's a silly way to feel, but I can't help it. So you're definitely not alone!

 

[dairymomma]

Definitely not alone! I've struggled with that feeling myself especially when my sis was pg with her 3rd and I found out I was expecting my 1st after 3 m/c. We ended up having our babies 4 days apart. It's hard for me now even when I see all these other women popping out babies and I'm struggling to hope my (10th pregnancy) 3rd baby will make it to May. It's like after all I've gone thru, I'd like the be the center of attention for a bit by myself instead of having to (as you put it so wisely Topanga) 'share' my pregnancies. It's irrational to feel that way but we can't help it because it feels like our pregnancy is somehow minimized by theirs. I wouldn't worry because, as I found out when I was expecting at the same time my sis was, I eventually got over that feeling and think it's pretty cool my DS has a very close in age cousin.

 

[Emily2630]

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I feel bad for having these feelings at this point. My SIL told us she was pregnant when we announced my pregnancy (from my first MC). Since that time I felt like she sort of "stole my thunder". Of course she is having a healthy pregnancy and nearly full term, due just 3 weeks after when I should have been due. I have such negative feelings toward her and her pregnancy and her baby even though the rational part of me knows most of it was not her "fault" (she did make some unintentional insensitive comments about her pregnancy that really upset me but when I told her she was very apologetic, but still.... I just wish I could focus on being happy for myself instead of negative towards others! I guess I'm just a bitter person! I think it would help if people could understand the hell I've been through but nobody really gets it (except you guys!)

 

[Starry Night]

I found out my brother and SiL were expecting shortly after my d&c last spring. I was so, so upset and my mom thought I was being jealous and would have to 'get over it' as it was my problem. She didn't understand that I was having to see my SiL be pretty much where I should be. That I would have that reminder of what I had lost. Also, now my sadness over my loss would be offensive to the family. Happiness always trumps sadness. My sadness taints their happiness. One of us has to give and that has to be me. It's hard not to be bitter that my little angel is to be forgotten so they can be happy with their baby.

Though now I feel like I might be stealing her thunder. If I have this baby I would be like the prodigal daughter with the miracle baby. lol IF I have this baby, the cousins will still be close in age -- about 4 1/2 months. But I feel a little miffed that it won't be the 1 month it originally would have been and that my baby will no longer be the older one. It shouldn't matter but it does.

 

[Emily2630]

Starry you said something that struck me that I hadn't really thought about, that the "lost" baby will be forgotten. Maybe that's why it's still bothering me becuse no one else seems to remember my baby that I lost but I do, and by continuing to harbor these feelings of resentment keeps the memory of my baby alive. (Or maybe I'm being totally ridiculous and Freudian!!!). The timing of mine and my SIL's baby is Lmost the exact same as yours-- mine "should" have been 1 month older but instead will be 4.5 months younger!! I agree that it totally SHOULDN'T matter... But for some reason it does... Because when I started to plan and dream for my first baby, that's how I envisioned things. Not like this. I miss my first baby and I wish other people did too.

 

[dairymomma]

When I bring up my m/c with my family, they all gang up on me and practically shout, "Don't dwell on them! Don't let your m/c take over your life!" It's very frustrating because all I wanted to do is remember my babies, not relieve the heartbreak of the actual physical experience. So I just quit talking about it with my family and they don't mention it either. I think it's their way of coping with it because I'm the only one in the immediate family to have had issues like this so they haven't been confronted with it before. I let it out on BnB and with friends who truly understand. I also have a little spot in the trees behind our house where I go to say a little prayer for my babies. It helps and time does help heal that wound too but even after 6 years and 7 m/c, it still hurts that my babies seem 'forgotten' by the rest of the world. It also hurts that my family never seems to celebrate my successful pregnancies the same as they do my sister's. They don't get excited when I spread the news and make jokey comments like, "I wish you hadn't told me until you were 6 months along so I don't have to worry." It's almost like my early pregnancy troubles make my family fear the worst right up until I actually have the baby and the delivery is so anti-climactic that they just go, "Oh. Great." I know they probably are just as enthused either way and I'm just FEELING it's this way but it's another one of the irrational feelings.

 

[Emily2630]

Uuughhhh, whenever my friend talks about her new pregnancy it just annoys me. I guess I don't want to share the "spotlight" and feel like I deserve more time in the spotlight after having two losses. I am being a total whiney irrational selfish baby about this, I know!!!

 

[Starry Night]

I find what helps me when I'm being irrational is to pointedly ask myself how I'd feel if someone resented me for my own good news. Like, what if my SiL is upset that I am now pregnant again and stealing the limelight from her? So that usually calms me down a bit when I start wanting to whine "It's all about meeeee!"

Deep down I do believe that rainbow babies are more miraculous but really, all babies are equally precious and exciting. And I'm glad my friends and family don't know what it's like to have to go through a loss. Well, my mom had one and my grandma had multiple. But no one my age.

 

[floridamomma]

I know what you guys mean. I had a mc dec at 4 weeks that one wasn't so bad but I lost another in feb at about 8 weeks. I am just over 8 weeks now and im a so terrified something wrong in there. After my mc I got some counseling and we waited until may to try again. Just as we were about to try my little sister announces she is pregnant with her first. everyone was excited and s upbeat for her. It was so hard dealing with her and now she is like 16 or 17 weeks pregnant. I am only 8 and when I told my family they said well we dont want to get excited until your farther along. It hurts I should have a 4 day old newborn in my arms. and my sister is having no complications at all. I just feel like the universe hates me. nobody understands when I get nervous or upset. they tell me t pray and everything will be fine. I just wish people understood how I feel

 

[Topanga053]

Uuughhhh, whenever my friend talks about her new pregnancy it just annoys me. I guess I don't want to share the "spotlight" and feel like I deserve more time in the spotlight after having two losses. I am being a total whiney irrational selfish baby about this, I know!!!

Hahaha! Emily, that's EXACTLY how I feel! Another one of my acquiantances is pregnant after several losses and I STILL find myself upset that we have to share the "spotlight" in our group of friends. I feel like a whiney irrational selfish brat frequently these days! I keep it to myself, so no one else (not even DH) knows how I feel because it's so childish it's ridiculous. Frankly, I'm embarassed, but I can't seem to do anything about it! I blame being an only child , but I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way sometimes!

I know what you guys mean. I had a mc dec at 4 weeks that one wasn't so bad but I lost another in feb at about 8 weeks. I am just over 8 weeks now and im a so terrified something wrong in there. After my mc I got some counseling and we waited until may to try again. Just as we were about to try my little sister announces she is pregnant with her first. everyone was excited and s upbeat for her. It was so hard dealing with her and now she is like 16 or 17 weeks pregnant. I am only 8 and when I told my family they said well we dont want to get excited until your farther along. It hurts I should have a 4 day old newborn in my arms. and my sister is having no complications at all. I just feel like the universe hates me. nobody understands when I get nervous or upset. they tell me t pray and everything will be fine. I just wish people understood how I feel

I'm so sorry, Floridamomma. That's really awful that your family isn't more excited and supportive for you right now and it's doubly unfair that you have to watch your sister coast through her pregnancy. You completely have my sympathies.

 

[floridamomma]

its ok. the further i get the easier it is to deal with. but i think the problem is that if i d lose this baby she will more than likely(and i really hope she does) have a healthy pregnancy. and it will triple my pain

 

[Emily2630]

So now I feel absolutely horrible. My good friend who I was mad about "sharing the spotlight" with and is 5 weeks just emailed to say she had some light bright red spotting. I feel terrible for feeling jealous and really hope her pregnancy goes ok. Maybe that was my wake up call to stop being jealous and just be thankful!

 

[floridamomma]

I think its natural for us to fee la certain kind of way but how we treat the other preg people in our life speaks more of us than feelings that come and go

 

[ohsnapb]

Last year, my sister thought that she might have been pregnant and she was scared to go buy and take a test alone. So of course I did my sisterly duties and took her out and bought some tests and took them with her not thinking that there was any chance that I was pregnant. It was a pleasant surprise when both of our 3 tests came out positive. I was soo happy that after 4 mcs I was going to get to have a baby with my younger sister. Unfortunately the night after I found out, I started to miscarry. Its weird how connected I already felt when I only had a day to wrap my head around it, probably because I was sharing this experience with my sister. Well my sisters pregnancy went perfectly, she had no complications whatsoever and she gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl on my birthday. I tried so very hard to be happy for her and deep down I know that I was. But watching her go through every single symptom and stage and imagining that I would be doing the same thing was the hardest thing Ive every dealt with. It seemed that no one understood how i felt. Everyone was constantly excited over her pregnancy but never once hugged or comforted me. i just wish that people understood that you dont just stop being pregnant over night. You bond and love from the very beginning and just because something happens doesnt mean that you stop caring any less. It takes time to come to terms with what is happening and you need all the support you can get.

 

[LaraSue]

I am so glad to hear you all say this. I should be due one week from Saturday, but I'm instead due in January. Now, I have to "share" my pregnancy with two people from church who really have no business having babies. I can't be happy for them. I just can't. We're due within days of each other.

 

[Topanga053]

So now I feel absolutely horrible. My good friend who I was mad about "sharing the spotlight" with and is 5 weeks just emailed to say she had some light bright red spotting. I feel terrible for feeling jealous and really hope her pregnancy goes ok. Maybe that was my wake up call to stop being jealous and just be thankful!

Emily, any updates on your friend?? I've been thinking about her.

 

[Emily2630]

My friend's pregnancy seems to be going fine for now which is good. Just one time spotting, no more, and had an ultrasound at 5 weeks where they thought they could make out a HB. So right now things are good for her and I'm happy for her.

A neighbor of mine lost two pregnancies this year, both pretty late in 2nd trimester. I told her today I was pregnant and she acted very happy and excited but I'm sure deep down it was hard news for her to hear and I felt really bad having to tell her. I just hate that this experience has tainted my perception of pregnancy and babies-- it should be a wonderful happy exciting time but instead it's just so much more complicated...

 

[dairymomma]

Unfortunately, it probably always will be. I DID get excited about my last pregnancy and I'm hopeful I'll be just as excited about the next one even though I m/c again, but that fear of miscarriage never quite leaves me and I never know WHO to tell. It's hard not telling anyone other than my doctors and DH til I'm over 12 weeks because if/when things have gone wrong, I have literally NO ONE to talk to. DH gets so tired of hearing my fears/whines/complaints after getting it over and over for weeks that he just has to tell me to stop talking about it. The people I wish I could tell (my mom and sis) have both told me not to tell them til I'm over the 'danger point' so "they don't have to worry about me." But I think I found a confidante now. I told my s-i-l about this last pg and my fears that I was miscarrying (which I did) but she was amazingly supportive. She's never had a m/c but she just gave me a hug and told me she was there if I ever needed to talk. So I might confide in her the next time. But yeah, pregnancy isn't this joyful time of expectation anymore. It's full of nervousness, fear, and anxiety. I never feel like I can fully relax and just enjoy being pregnant. It also bothers me that I don't get a whole lot of 'oh, I'm so excited for you' type of reactions either. It's like, I went thru all of this stuff to get to this point and everyone else is afraid to be truly happy for me. Part of me feels like I should have a party thrown for me BECAUSE I got to the 'safe' point...I know it's just jealousy talking but it still kind of hurts that my miscarriages have even affected how other people react to my pregnancy news...

 

[Topanga053]

Dairymomma, I'm so sorry for the lack of support. I was very worried when I announced my pregnancy after my MC that people would be like "well, lets just wait and see what happens", so I can only imagine how you're feeling. It's awful not to have as much excitement and support as you deserve. I hope your SIL does end up being a confident for you and obviously we're all here as well!!