Jealousy towards friend...feeling guilty

[dairymomma]

It was precisely that lack of support I got irl that I found BnB and I'm SO glad I did. Here I can talk about my fears all I want and not worry others are going to think bad of me. I don't dwell on my miscarriages but they color my view of pregnancy and always will. It's so nice to have someone irl who understands when I talk about my fears (which is usually only during the early weeks of a pregnancy), I'm not dwelling on the past but rather getting that fear out into the open where I can confront it and conquer it. She's been great so far about all of this. And my BnB friends are the best! I've learned SO much about treatments, testing options, and symptoms from the ladies on here and I've even taught my doctors a thing or two because of it. I'm on here so much DH gets annoyed sometimes since I tend to do the "uh-huh, oh that's nice" type of conversation stuff when I'm trying to listen to him talk and type a comment at the same time. Multi-tasker, I am not...

 

[DaniBethBee]

Oh Honey... It's ok to feel this way. You wanted so much to be a mother and you are being forced to wait. I know exactly how you feel. Every pregnant woman who walks by is a reminder of what you lost. Every teen mom is a slap in the face. Hopefully it won't be much longer, for either of us.

 

[Topanga053]

Dairy, of course a loss colors your view of pregnancy. It's amazing to me when people don't understand that and think you're "obsessing" about the past. I heard the same thing from a friend or two this pregnancy when I would share my fears. To me, it's like telling someone who is nervous in a car because they've recently been in a serious car accident to just relax and enjoy the ride!

 

[Emily2630]

Glad I'm not the only one feeling like this. I think I came to a bit of a realization today. My good friend who is now 6 weeks had her ultrasound today that looked good with good HB after a little scare with brief bleeding. She was really nervous about possible MC and it was starting to annoy me a bit becuse I knew that chances were good things would be fine for her and I knew things had not been so good for me. I think what I originally felt was "jealousy" towards her was really just self pity for myself because of what I had to go through when it seems like everyone else I know has it so easy. I'm feeling really good about this current pregnancy now and really feel like I'll have my rainbow in a few months, but I'm still really sad about everything I went through the last 7 months. I think I've mourned the baby I lost who I will never meet, and I think I've accepted that. But what I'm still struggling with is how I went through four hellish months of sadness and grieving that so few people recognized. Maybe it would help if I was more open about it, but part of me feels like I'm "moving on" and don't want to keep dwelling on it. My original due date is in four days. I thought I was going to be ok but maybe my grieving is just hard for me to recognize. I don't know. I'm not sure if any of this rambling makes any sense, I'm just sort of feeling at a loss.

 

[Starry Night]

Dairy, of course a loss colors your view of pregnancy. It's amazing to me when people don't understand that and think you're "obsessing" about the past. I heard the same thing from a friend or two this pregnancy when I would share my fears. To me, it's like telling someone who is nervous in a car because they've recently been in a serious car accident to just relax and enjoy the ride!

I was in a car accident just before I lost my first baby so I do very much associate the two together and people would get annoyed with me when I was nervous about them tail-gating cars on the highway....and this was only months after the loss. I thought it was unfair to expect me to not be nervous. It's years later and I still get nervous and make sure that DH leaves a good distance between us and the vehicle ahead when possible.

Emily - I find due dates really hard. They are harder on me than the anniversaries of the actual loss. I lost my last angel just two days before my previous angel's due date so I spent that week crying for the angel who should have been born. It delayed my grieving process for the one I had most recently loss. And I still daydream about my first angel though the pain from that one has mostly gone away. However, each time the due date comes around again I get rather down. My latest angel has a due date just days away from my first angel's birthday so it's a very hard time of year for me.

I have definitely wished ill on other pregnant ladies and I know it's very wrong but it's as you said. I was pitying myself and hating that it felt like I was the only one having to go through this again and again while others just had to think "I'd like a baby", get pregnant and then have a baby.

 

[dairymomma]

Topanga-EXACTLY. It's hard when my mom and sis just don't understand that. *Sigh* And I have an ex-friend who really did dwell on her fertility issues. It got to the point where nearly a year afterwards, she was still breaking down regularly about it. There's a HUGE difference between her behavior and my own. Talking with my dr about my post partum depression has helped me see that difference as well. He even said it's okay to talk about my losses because it does help get the anxiety out but if I'm finding myself crying nonstop, lashing out, or having other signs my PPD is returning, I should go in. It felt good to hear from a medical dr that my need to talk was okay. Now just to convince my mom and sis...