Just found out a complete bombshell about my OH :(

[Ljayne]

I think seeing this from the other side it was probably a very painful experience for him and when that relationship ended maybe he just wanted to put it all behind him. No one ever wants to bring their baggage with their exes into a new relationship. Also your his wife any child he has with you will be extra special because he was mad about you enough to marry you.

I think you should say you are upset he didnt tell you and would rather he told you things like that in future but then put it behind you. I'm sure he wants to be at the scan and wants this baby as much as you do. Enjoy this together as you'll never get this time back and it goes so fast so don't spend it unhappy x

 

[griffinh]

So we were round at an old couple friend of my husbands, and were having a lovely night until going home time. I was chatting to the woman aboutmh preg etc, she guessed as soon as I saw her as she has 3 boys and is delighted for us. When we were leaving she asked when my scan was etc and I said two weeks, I hope everything will be ok I'm nervous etc, and then she said that my oh must be nervous too because of what happened with his ex( who she is still friends with) and then went on to tell me that basically his ex had a mmc that they found out about at the 12 week scan. I assume she thought I already knew I don't think she told me out of spite or anything.

I had absolutely no idea as he never told me his ex had ever got pregnant and this is the first I've heard of it. I feel really hurt and stupid that he never told me, and disappointed as I thought this was his first time for all of this too. I told him on the way home what had happened and he says how was I ever meant to bring that up and it was a totally different situation, unplanned etc and 2 years before we got together, weve been married nearly 3 years, but I feel like it's completely taken the shine off things for me. I'm absolutely devastated and can't stop crying

aw honey - horrible shock. i hate to say it, but i agree with your oh. why would he bring up a mmc when you could be worrying enough about the baby? this is the first time for him cos he's actually planned this, doing it with someone he loves and is married to. calm down sweetheart and smile

 

[scotmum35]

id ask your hubby how he has been feeling since u both found out u were preg.i understand your side but looking at his, he has probably been panicked at times incase the same thing happened again and has probably tried to hide it from u.most preg women worry till week 12 that something could go wrong.he has been through loosing one already,and as griffin pointed out he probably didnt want to bring it up.
i talked to my oh's ex last yr about her apparent mc's with him turns out she actually got rid of them and most likely wernt his.he was gutted and angry when i told him but he is mixed race hard to hide a baby thats not his in that case.things can always be worse.

 

[Melissa x]

So sorry Hun, horrible way to find out but your husband obviously didn't feel it was a significant time in his life or maybe he wants this time to be his special time too as this time it's with you, his wife and therefore different as this time the child is planned and your in the right circumstances for your baby. Try not to get upset, talk to him more, see his feelings, maybe he is worrying about the 12 scan too and didn't feel right to put this pressure in you. I no its totally different but whenever my friends are pregnant the last thing we do is talk about past losses as I think we worry enough during the first tri. I hope you sort things out Hun x

 

[seany3]

Thankyou everyone I really appreciate the responses, I'm not feeling any better today and dont think I slept at all last night. He came and spoke to
Me this morning and I burst into tears and said how hurt and upset I am and how stupid I feel that he's done all this before and I had no idea. I also asked if I'm the only one I'n the dark about this and if everyone else knew like other family and friends that this would be his second time and he said well yes if they even remember . He just kept saying how was I meant to tell you that and then said he was angry that I'm falling out with him over this. What does he expect I've just found out a massive secret about my oh and he expects me to just be fine with it? I said I'm hurt and upset and said thanks for the support! He said the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I'm exhausted with it all and I know I should just dust myself off but I can't switch it off I'n my head I have no clue how to move on from this I feel like it's all a mess sorry if I sound horrible but it's the way I feel x

 

[griffinh]

aw honey. its understandable when a big secret like this comes out. but you got to remember that your baby is now. two years ago was two years ago unplanned and very very different. he needs to understand that you feel upset by this secret, but also i think you can get over this - youre very strong! remember the now - your baby is fine. youll go to your scan and he wont have ever experienced that joy you will feel. xxx

 

[Apollo]

I know this maybe isnt the right thing to say but as of 12 weeks this will all be new for him too and thats only a few days away. Try not to let it bother you hun. I can imagine its a shock but this will be his first and he is probably gutted that this is bothering you so much as I would imagine he just wants to move on and enjoy this time.x

 

[seany3]

Thanks girls you have no idea how much I appreciate your support xx everyone has been so kind xx

 

[themaybaby]

Well losing a child is something hard to go through, whether your a man or a woman, I don't see why you would be hurt by him not telling you. I'm confused. If my love told me this, I'd feel so bad for him, and give him my condolences.

 

[Apollo]

Just to add. Your hormones are flying about at the mo which isnt helping. And another thing, if you had have known can you imagine the stress you would be feeling worrying that something could go wrong with your pregnancy "because it happened to her". However you look at it, him not saying anything was maybe the most thoughtful thing he could have done. And he was probably devastated when it happened, why go through the pain of reliving it? Maybe he f*cked up by not saying anything but please put things in perspective and think of the future with your new family. He must feel awful as well. X

 

[seany3]

Well losing a child is something hard to go through, whether your a man or a woman, I don't see why you would be hurt by him not telling you. I'm confused. If my love told me this, I'd feel so bad for him, and give him my condolences.

I cOmpletely agree with you that it mustve been horrible and that's partly why I'm so upset, for the past 5 years we've been together he mustve thought of it from time to time but kept it from me so I've had no idea about this big painful secret for him. I feel like I don't know who he really is ..

 

[DJJ]

There are many woman who are stepmums and when they have their own kids they too wonder if their hubbys will be excited or is it just the same again. My husband has been great and although this is third time for him its my first and it the only baby at the moment in our lives. I understand you been shocked and emotional about it. I was 5 weeks pregnant when we found out my hubbys ex is expecting. I cryed and cryed and it really shock me up but my hubby reassured me that our baby is the only thing that mattered and I have managed not to let me dissappointment continue. Im sure you will get over the shoick of it but there propabably wouldnt ever have been a 'right' time for him to tell you. take care and hugs to you.

 

[seany3]

There are many woman who are stepmums and when they have their own kids they too wonder if their hubbys will be excited or is it just the same again. My husband has been great and although this is third time for him its my first and it the only baby at the moment in our lives. I understand you been shocked and emotional about it. I was 5 weeks pregnant when we found out my hubbys ex is expecting. I cryed and cryed and it really shock me up but my hubby reassured me that our baby is the only thing that mattered and I have managed not to let me dissappointment continue. Im sure you will get over the shoick of it but there propabably wouldnt ever have been a 'right' time for him to tell you. take care and hugs to you.

Thanks for this xx

 

[broodyhen]

oh dear this must be awful for you. I dont know if this will help but I had a mmc when I was 18 and found it soooo hard telling people about it, even years later. I have only just told my best friend! There is never a good time to talk about it.

I know its totally different from your pov and you must feel betrayed and overshadowed but I hope you can find the strength to focus on your baby and your marriage. Im sure this time feels totally different to your OH and he will want to share this experience with you. Be strong. xx

 

[Libra Mariah]

....

 

[kissesandhugs]

awww hun I'm so sorry to hear this I would personally be upset as well, very hurt. I understand it would be something hard to talk about but isn't that what you're there for? Especially with ttc. I'd understand if maybe he told you HIS SELF then yes it would be silly to be upset and of course feel terrible for him but finding out through a friend would be so hurtful...

 

[seany3]

To be honest I feel even more freaked out now than I was before because I feel now as well as the normal risks that history isgoing to repeat itself. I'm going to call tomow and see if there is anything I can do to get an earlier scan than the 6th feb as I feel even more like I'm I'n limbo but I seriously don't want him to come. I know that will sound bad but I really don't. I want to go on my own to the first one now x

 

[Libra Mariah]

To be honest I feel even more freaked out now than I was before because I feel now as well as the normal risks that history isgoing to repeat itself. I'm going to call tomow and see if there is anything I can do to get an earlier scan than the 6th feb as I feel even more like I'm I'n limbo but I seriously don't want him to come. I know that will sound bad but I really don't. I want to go on my own to the first one now x

Maybe it was something wrong with her that caused the MC. That doesn't mean it will happen to you. I had a MC 6 months before I had my healthy baby girl.

If I were you I would definitely bring your OH along to the scan because when you get pass this you might regret that you didn't allow him to be a part of this special time.

 

[chocolate]

I can understand you being upset, and pregnancy hormones dont help. but I would let him go to the scan and try to make it a happy event, dont look back on it as a sad time, make good memories for YOUR future together.

To be honest I was going to say maybe he did you a favour by not telling you, as that would have made me panic about miscarrying even more knowing that had happened to him before. It is a hard subject to bring up and probably not the time to before your scan. Not so sure that lady was being as innocent as you think? Maybe she is still friends with his ex and was asked to mention it to see if he had even bothered telling you, maybe the ex is cross with him for not mentioning it...........
However, try not to let it ruin this pregnancy together, he probably needs support from you as yes he has done this before, but it ended sadly, so must be tough for him to feel excited this time. Good luck xx

 

[Elucida]

To be honest I feel even more freaked out now than I was before because I feel now as well as the normal risks that history isgoing to repeat itself. I'm going to call tomow and see if there is anything I can do to get an earlier scan than the 6th feb as I feel even more like I'm I'n limbo but I seriously don't want him to come. I know that will sound bad but I really don't. I want to go on my own to the first one now x

I guess I'd look at it like this:

What if you were the man and he were the woman and he'd suffered a mmc before and hadn't told you? And then refused to come to the scan with you? I think that would, potentially, be a devastating blow to somebody who will be very anxious about something that once caused so much pain and, really, it could be a huge blow to the relationship.

I think you have every right to feel hurt and definitely focus on the fact that he kept something from you, but maybe think about not including him in something so special as it looks like a punishment and when you look at it, with everything stripped away, it's not a kind thing to do to somebody who has been through something so tragic. I think you have to remember that you love him, that he's human and that, in the scheme of things, this is something you can get through - but if I were your OH I would never forgive being excluded from the scan of my baby.

Not trying to be harsh but I think you need to consider every possible outcome and whether or not it's really worth it.