Keepin it Movin...

[Mahoghani]

Saw something once, probably on the discovery channel about sharks. About how they have to keep swimming even while they sleep or they sink to the bottom and die... I think I stopped moving.

Since getting back from a much needed vacation in Maryland I've had that feeling like I have to keep moving, have to keep busy and keep finding things to occupy my time or I'll let the depression catch up and I'll just sink into it. I stopped moving. Moving all the time is just so exhausting. Last weekend, Sunday I just let myself stop moving. I bought a necklace with babies feet on it with the words "Silver Ghost Hill, Born Sleeping, September 22, 2012" inscribed on it. For the first time since getting home I burst into tears. In the middle of the store... as I wrote the words. The poor sales girl had no idea what was wrong with me. Til she read what she was to engrave on the pendant of course... My husband just held me while people stared at us.

I've been exhausted for no reason, lethargic and sad ever since. I just don't feel like doing anything. Does this ever go away or does it keep coming back no matter how many times you try to get rid of it?

 

[Andypanda6570]

I saw your post yesterday and I didn't post to it cause it broke my heart and I didn't want to tell you that yes it does keep coming back this horrible indescribable pain I didn't want to tell you that it hurts some days really bad, that the crying is so intense and sometimes overwhelming, but one thing I want to tell you is it is normal and yes after some long time it does get better, I promise. I lost my Ava one year and 7 months ago and it has taken me soooooooo long to get to a place of some kind of peace and some kind of new normal. I have days which i am fine and then there are days like yesterday when I was watching a show and the newborn was just looking up at his mother with the eyes looking around and thinking where am I, the little cry that came out sent me to tears. I was clinching my heart, i felt like it was going to burst open. My Sister In law is now 38 weeks pregnant and I have had such a hard time dealing with this, we both have 3 boys (Older) she is 38 and I am 42, I was 40 when I lost Ava. My Sister in law is not saying what she is having but I just know it is a girl and now the time is coming for the birth and I am more than terrified, i just don't know how I am going to deal with a newborn especially a little girl, there are no girls in the family so this is going to be a big event/ I will be sitting there trying to keep a straight face with a crooked smile while everyone is celebrating and feeling nothing but joy, there I will be sitting like a moron trying to hold myself together I have distanced myself from my Sister In Law and my Mother In Law, they do not understand my pain and they don't understand I am just trying to protect myself and I am trying to ease myself into this cause I know I have to accept this is happening. I will make myself go to the hospital cause after an hour I can leave, going to her house I probably cannot do, we will be there to long and I can't handle so many hours of being with a newborn . Bottom line I don't care what others think anymore, I have to heal my heart and do things when I am ready/ I promise in time you will be in a better place but it takes a lot of time and everyone is different. No, this pain never goes away you will carry it with you forever, but peace will come to you and like me the good days will outnumber the bad ones. If you ever need to talk ever just message me.. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. XOOXO Andrea

 

[Mahoghani]

My SIL is pregnant as well. I was actually due a little after her, in March. She will be having her healthy baby boy in late December. I understand that I should feel happy for her, that her son is healthy, but I don't. I'm bitter. I'm bitter and angry and I can't help but feel like the family is having an easier time forgetting my son because there's another one still on it's way. Like he doesn't matter... Like he never existed. It's been a month and I feel increasingly like his memory is slipping away and I'm the only one trying to hold on to it...
Fortunately for me, they live about 5 hours away so I don't really have to make excuses not to see them. I've already blocked her page on facebook... I don't get on there much anymore anyway. Seems like everyone is pregnant right now. I want to be happy that there is a new baby in the family. My other sister in law just had a boy too... I want to be happy for them. But I'm not.

 

[Lottelotte]

I really know what you mean with this. I went back to work as soon as i physically could, because it keeps me busy. As soon as i stop to think i can't keep but cry my eyes out.

I think its normal to be exhausted. Grief itself is exhausting.

I lost a little girl last year and it did get easier in time, and now this time its doubly bad, because i am greiving both my angels, although i do find comfort knowing my babies are together. Andrea also made me smile by saying how our babies Ava (andrea's angel) and Rory were playing together.

Xx