Lack of intimacy & dtd

[Juniperjules]

Juniper, I am sorry about AF good luck with your FS appt next week. I hope you will get to IUI very quickly.

What a tough journey this TTC business is, I am exhausted...

Thanks Briss ; )
Never a truer word has been said.. It's bloody tough.

**warning!!! Long winded rant coming... Apologies in advance***

Sometimes Briss it feels like life is a mountain I'm climbing & I'll never reach the summit!! I know that u are also really struggling with all of 'this' right now. I know for me it's even more frustrating bcos every month there's multiple issues that cause problems.. Oh how I dream of just being in a situation where every month u just have sex on fertile days & then 'wait & see'... But it's never that straightforward.
First we have my OH issue with actually finishing- it does my head in!!! I guess it's our own fault- we've had sex that way for 18yrs.. I refused to go on the pill ever, & we didn't want to use condoms, so we basically used the withdrawal method. But bloody hell it has created a rod for our backs now. Soooo we use the syringe method for now (which I KNOW works for loads of people- I even watched a doco about surrogates last week & they successfully got pregnant using the syringe). However it hasn't worked for us yet.

Secondly we have major problems with OH mother.. Basically she's a nutter.. Always has been. I wish she would just disappear. It's a long story but basically the result is that every Thursday nite I have to go stay at my parents place 30mins away bcos MIL comes to the house & stays all weekend & it causes all sorts of dramas. Honestly i couldnt even begin to really explain it all.. she really truly is the MIL from hell. Technically she owns the house so it's impossible to stop her coming. Believe me we've tried!! But she's CRAZY! So if my Ov falls over a weekend.. NIGHTMARE! which it did this past month & looks like its gonna b the next few as well. So OH & i were sneaking around, trying to so syringe inseminations without her figuring out something was going on.. we even did it in the car at 11pm one nite after i finished work!!! Seriously, when i think about it, it makes me wanna either cry or smash something. I even worry about trying to to iui or IVF bcos my OH works until the early hours on weekends, so trying to get him up & in a fit state to get to a clinic & donate a sample?!???? Geez I'm even stressing about that before its happened...

But I'm trying my absolute hardest to try & be positive. Again excuse my rabbiting on.. Typing this out is kind of cathartic! I have had a horrendous 1-2 years. I keep reminding myself that 6 months ago when OH & I were not together (we had a break for 4months brought on largely by dramas with his mother who basically drove me out of the house & gave me so much anxiety that I ended up seeing a psychologist b4 I had a total breakdown). BUT.. at that time I would've given my right arm to be ttc no matter how hard it may seem. Bcos at least if ur trying ur in with a chance. 6 months ago I was contemplating being single at 38 after 17 years.. & likely to never have children.

So today, while I am feeling somewhat deflated, I'm telling myself that being negative & sad will get me nowhere. Infact, all it will do is depress the s*#t out of me & aggravate my OH who frequently tells me I'm always too negative. He just thinks 'oh well, so we keep trying- of course we'll have kids'. His mum had him at 40 so he doesn't think me being 38 is a big deal. And I have to remember that this is only our first month back trying- I think I had some romantic idea that we'd get a miracle.. But alas, no.

So I've had my rant in here.. & I'm now not going to let it all get to me & start catastrophizing everything. The only way forward is with positive thoughts & hope. I never used to think I'd be keen to go the assisted reproduction route.. But now I think I'd do almost anything that we can afford to do. Thank god for modern medicine is all I can say!!

Oh.. Thanks for listening ; )

 

[Briss]

Juniper, I was actually thinking about the syringe method but my DH just wont masturbate (TMI: to get SA I have to blow him! it's a nightmare) I am sorry about your MIL, she does sound like a MIL from hell. what's wrong with them why cant they let their sons be happy! I am dealing with a similar case but I am so lucky my MIL lives abroad but every time she comes to visit it causes so much damage to our relationship with my DH that we are trying to sort things out for weeks and week after she'd gone.

I am so sorry you have to go though this on top of TTC, I always wonder why life is so unfair. I sometimes think about leaving my DH and just getting on with donor sperm and bring up a child on my own - difficult decision to make...

Have you got your DH's SA checked? if it is normal, the syringe method actually might be a way forward. because of our age it's not going to happen quickly we have to wait for the good quality egg to come along I was told we only get 3-4 good eggs a year - I do not want to believe that though. I am back on chinese herbs to improve the egg quality while I am patiently waiting for hubby to sort out his SA.

this is the first TWW in years that I do not even hope I might be pregnant so I just wait for AF and I am OK with that. strangely it's liberating. I spent the last year stressing out and crying over every AF while all along my DH had almost no viable sperm for me to go by. What a waste of emotions that was. I am not doing it to myself anymore. My hubby is hopefully going to a urologist and we may get some answers and move to IUI/IVF. until then I will just try and stay calm and concentrate on improving my health. I started losing weight just to distract myself from TTC, I need to shed off pounds I gained while TTC (no-baby weight I call it)

 

[Juniperjules]

Briss, we had a SA done on my OH. It was good, my GP told me he had no issues... & he is well above the guidelines they give you with the results. So I guess either I could have a problem that I don't know of yet, or it's literally just a waiting game.. You know, just trying, trying, trying & hope that eventually we get a bfp.

To be honest we haven't really even tried that much- but if we have to keep on doing the syringe stuff as well as dealing with all the other f*#*#d up stuff... I know that eventually it has the potential to destroy our relationship. I have put up with so much previously that my tolerance levels & anxiety can only take so much I think. So I really am after a quick fix ASAP. I think if the FA offers us IVF then I'm just gonna jump right in. We really really really need something amazing to happen for us..we can't keep getting dead ends. We need to have someone else to focus on, someone else to love together & to prove that we can be happy even after all the crap we've been through.

We'll keep doing the syringe stuff mind you- not much else we can do. I know it works. It's no different to normal sex really??? It's just depositing the sperm near the cervix like would happen with sex. There's lots of girls on another thread I follow who have gotten pregnant that way, & it's really common in lesbian couples. But I guess the downside for me is that it reminds me that we aren't doing it 'properly' & it bcomes a kind of psychological problem more than anything else. If that makes sense??? Briss you could still do the syringe stuff- if u can get a SA done then you could def do the syringe... Unless your DH would be opposed to it?

God that 3-4 good eggs thing is a bit crap isn't it?? Holy moly this ttc after 35 just gets better & better doesn't it! Between old eggs & old men what chance do we have!!! Lol!! : ) I watched some videos of fertility doctors on YouTube today & they said that there's an 8% chance of iui working for a woman over 35 with unexplained infertility (which I don't technically have.. But who knows), and it's a 50% success rate for the same woman using IVF. So although I WAS very pro IUI... I'm now leaning towards IVF. But I guess I'll have to see what the FS says first.

I'm glad ur DH is getting involved & seeing a urologist. When u know they are making some effort it makes all the difference doesn't it. I also have considered going it alone when OH & I were apart last year. I wasn't prepared to give up on being a mother just bcos I was potentially single at 38. If that was my only option id def do it.

Good for you taking the bull by the horns with your health etc. just a word of warning... Try not to starve yourself bcoz you'll only slow down ur metabolism & won't lose weight. Just try & fill yourself up with fruit & veggies & proteins (fish, chicken, meat) & cut out all white carbs & refined sugars. The best way I lost weight was bike riding- it's fantastic, burns the fat like you wouldn't believe. Plus I joined WW online & used the iPhone app to track what I ate & exercise. I thought it was great.

 

[Briss]

Juniper, this is such a relief that there is no sperm issues on top of everything else. and I think the syringe stuff is actually better cos you can deposit his sperm right next to your cervix making it easier for them. my DH tends to pull back when he finishes which I think makes it almost impossible for his guys to swim all the way up through the acid vagina

If we improve hubby's SA I will definitely start with IUI as this is closer to natural conception than IVF.

I stopped eating ALL bad sugars 3 weeks ago, it's really tough! I crave chocolate like every minute and feel totally miserable but then I am miserable anyway because of TTc business so it does not matter. and you are right as soon as i started eating much less I stopped losing any weight at all - so depressing. cos I am hungry all the time and still there is no positive movement to show for it. I started exercising e.g. aerobics and a bit of weight lifting with J Fonda DVD to boost my metabolic rate. hopefully this will help. I am not concerned anymore with jumping around in TWW...

 

[Jax41]

Ladies, good luck with your clomid cycles.

I am beginning to give up on natural TTC because with hubby's numbers it's just hopeless, will try and relax a bit until we move to assisted, hopefully by the end of summer

Briss your post is music to my ears, not that you're giving up natural TTC but that you're going to try and relax a little more and move to assisted I get so worried about you!

I wanted to TTC before my Dad died and then when he was poorly I told DH that I was paranoid he would never see my children. DH promised me he would, but well it didn't happen... Tbh, the 4 years my Dad was poorly were like 4 years out of my marriage, I don't think DH and I had sex once it just wasn't on my agenda

I have an awful hunch too that it's my DHs swimmers that are letting me/us down too, he is off for another SA soon so we'll see if there have been any improvement, but I am convinced that our main problem is that we just don't do it enough, I mean who's going to get preg on 1-2 shags a month FFS!

 

[viccat]

Hi all, sorry I haven't been around much, its been a weird few weeks. I didn't want to announce it on here, but I got my BFP a couple of weeks ago. However it didn't stick around and I'm back on CD4 today.

The weirdness is because I didn't know who the dad was, and felt absolutely awful. I have an on/off lover and had got so insane about getting pregnant that I thought "what the hell" and let nature take it's course. Then OH actually was up for it the following day. When I got my BFP, I have to admit my first feeling was despair. I didn't sleep for the first few days, and felt like the worst person on the planet. I didn't have a clue what I was going to do - tell the truth and watch OHs world implode? Lie, and try and bring up a child that might, or more likely not, be his? So many thoughts running through my head.

I didn't really want to admit to anyone, even anonymously online what I had done. But in the end, anything you think of me, cannot be any worse than how I feel about myself for doing this.

So, in some ways AF turning up was a relief. I realised I didn't want a baby so badly that I could do that to OH. And I don't want to lie to any child I have about who their father is

I still feel so much sorrow though, as it increases my suspicion that OH has problems with his swimmers. I am waiting for my doc's appointment to discuss my blood tests, and need to nag OH to go take his SA sample. I am annoyed that I will have to nag, but that is just who he is. In the meantime, my lover is willing to be a donor, which means temptation is never far away. I don't just want to be a mum though, I want to be a family I don't want to run off, or start a different relationship - I just want OH to want to have sex with me.

 

[Briss]

Jax, we had the same thing. Dad was in hospital for 9 months and I was in agony so it was really hard to BD. I did try because it was my dream that dad will at least see his grandchild but it was not meant to be. (no idea why though, apart from the usual answer that life is unfair). My DH found it very difficult because I was in tears all the time hoping and praying, agonising over mistakes the doctors made but still hoping for a miracle and then I went into what seems to him like never ending mourning. Last three years, have been the hardest and it affected our relationship. I think we are pulling ourselves through this.

actually you might be surprised about getting preggo on 1-2 shags a month, I noticed a few ladies saying that the month they got finally pregnant was when they stopped BD properly and just did it once or twice randomly.

I can carry on almost normally as long as I do not get reminded that everyone around me is getting pregnant every second.

 

[Briss]

Viccat, poor you, you've been through a lot in the last few weeks! very sorry about your m/c but at least you now know what you really want. my friends have been telling me for a while now that I should just sleep with smb around O and get it over with but I am still trying to stick with my DH. I too want a family.

 

[Juniperjules]

Hi all, sorry I haven't been around much, its been a weird few weeks. I didn't want to announce it on here, but I got my BFP a couple of weeks ago. However it didn't stick around and I'm back on CD4 today.

The weirdness is because I didn't know who the dad was, and felt absolutely awful. I have an on/off lover and had got so insane about getting pregnant that I thought "what the hell" and let nature take it's course. Then OH actually was up for it the following day. When I got my BFP, I have to admit my first feeling was despair. I didn't sleep for the first few days, and felt like the worst person on the planet. I didn't have a clue what I was going to do - tell the truth and watch OHs world implode? Lie, and try and bring up a child that might, or more likely not, be his? So many thoughts running through my head.

I didn't really want to admit to anyone, even anonymously online what I had done. But in the end, anything you think of me, cannot be any worse than how I feel about myself for doing this.

So, in some ways AF turning up was a relief. I realised I didn't want a baby so badly that I could do that to OH. And I don't want to lie to any child I have about who their father is

I still feel so much sorrow though, as it increases my suspicion that OH has problems with his swimmers. I am waiting for my doc's appointment to discuss my blood tests, and need to nag OH to go take his SA sample. I am annoyed that I will have to nag, but that is just who he is. In the meantime, my lover is willing to be a donor, which means temptation is never far away. I don't just want to be a mum though, I want to be a family I don't want to run off, or start a different relationship - I just want OH to want to have sex with me.

Viccat, I'm glad you've been able to post how u feel in here. having to try & hold something like that in & not share it with anyone can make you crazy. Sometimes just typing it out & putting it into words can give you some clarity. You aren't the first & u won't be the last woman who ends up sleeping with someone else due to the frustration they feel with their OH... Who they do really truly love. If there's one thing that being 38 has taught me, it's that life is beautiful, but complicated. We look at other people's lives & assume ours is screwed up but others are doing great.... I've realised the older I get that that is often wrong. We're all just very good at keeping our problems & secrets well hidden.

You will find no judgement here honey. I too have done a thing or two that I perhaps should not have... I've also forgiven things that I thought I never would. But life just isn't that cut & dry. When your in a relationship you invest sooooooo much. Time, love, energy, emotions. And the power those investments can have over you can be overwhelming. It can make you do things you never thought you would when you were a young, naive girl in her 20's...

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Losing the bfp is still sad no matter where it came from. But if it has given u some form of relief then try not to beat urself up about it.

You'll always get support here if you need it. Don't feel alone.

 

[viccat]

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Losing the bfp is still sad no matter where it came from. But if it has given u some form of relief then try not to beat urself up about it.

You'll always get support here if you need it. Don't feel alone.

Thank you so so much for writing that.

 

[Jax41]

Viccat! oh my word what a rollercoaster of emotions you've been on honey I totally admire your honesty to post to us and of course you will never be judged on your actions. Your last sentence so made me that you just want to have a family with your DH, to have a loving relationship with him and he just not fulfilling you in that need and then you are left with a shed load of guilt and despair over what you've done . I don't think bad of you one bit as I have had the same feelings of doing just the same thing as you, just to have a but it just goes to show doesn't it that even that doesn't make us feel any happier about the situation when we just want it with our DHs but they're too thick or wrapped up in themselves to bother their backsides to notice Okay, I think I need to step down from my soapbox here, sorry but your dilemma has hit a nerve with me and Juniperjules is right, please don't feel alone, we are all here for you x

Briss, maybe my body works on reverse psychology and I should just have my brains shagged out to get a BFP bc 1-2 isn't working for me at all I totally agree with ticking along just fine without preg people around but a lady I catch the train with each moring is all of a sudden sporting a beautiful bump AND even worse DH's DS and GF have announced they are expecting their 2nd AND worse still the EDD is the day before my bloody birthday!! I've been in bits ever since and I've had to get through numerous family do's recently as it's been DH's 50th and we've all got a week together on holiday at the end of May - I feel wretched, bitter, and vile over it which really upsets me as I'm just not that kind of person but god the emotions have got hold of me really bad this time round

Girls, don't know quite how we're holding this all together atm but I'm so glad you're here

 

[Briss]

Jax, that's awful, I think the only reason I am still doing sort of OK is because I do not have my distant family here, my relatives live abroad and I do not ever need to come for yet another baby shower, my younger cousins are having their third, fourth and fifth…! that would destroy me I have to be honest. I am holding up because during the day I work in a highly competitive environment where only secretaries can afford to get pregnant so I have very limited exposure to bumps and in the evening I either work or stay at home with DH. It's a lonely life cos I only meet friends who do not have children. I do not think I can survive LTTTC otherwise.

 

[viccat]

Hi Briss, I am like you in that I don't really come into contact much with pregnant people - thank goodness! I work in a technology business, so luckily I'm mostly surrounded by male geeks

And one of the benefits of being an older TTC'er is that my female friends who wanted family have already gone and done it. There's not many though TBH, I know tonnes of people without children - I wonder if I've done that deliberately?

In the meantime OH and I are house shopping, and I am trying to use that to keep myself cheerful

 

[Juniperjules]

One of my oldest friends told me 2 days ago that she's pregnant with twins! IVF twins. She's been ttc on and off for years & her 4yr old was an IVF baby. I'm really genuinely happy for her. She's had a tough time for years. But I was thinking how quickly people/ friends go from being 'in the same boat', to suddenly with a text message you are on ur own again.. Does that make sense?? I've had this experience with a couple of friends now who've happily gone on to have IVF babies. Back to being the only one again!

Oh... & I work in a hospital that has a maternity unit so I'm constantly walking past pregnant women.. Can't avoid them even professionally!!

 

[Briss]

Juniper, I know that's tough, I lost two friends to pregnancy, it's also tough when you buddy with smb here on B&B and after months of struggling together your buddy gets pregnant and you have to continue your journey alone and try to find new friends. Happened to me a couple of times, tough. and the longer you TTC the harder it gets – that's just my experience.

 

[Juniperjules]

Briss...yep it's bloody tough. I'm sort of uncomfortable writing this & saying it to other people- but I have almost completely isolated myself from all my oldest friends over the last 5 or more years. Bcos i havent been able to cope with everyone having babies. Couldn't handle another excruciating baby shower. I'm ashamed to say that one of my closest friends I haven't seen for a year since she had her 2nd baby... I was so miserable last year for so many reasons that after she had her 2nd baby I just felt like we had nothing in common anymore. It seemed all she talked about were her toddler & baby, she even said it herself.... It kinda did my head in. I felt like she was now in the 'club' that I'm still not part of. Totally selfish i know. I hate that I feel that way, I feel like a terrible person. I wish I could be different. But i got to a point where I couldn't physically make myself contact her anymore.. And she didn't bother either, so I didn't feel so guilty about it. But I do now when I think about it all.

I talk to my mum about it a lot. She's my lifeline sometimes. bcos she struggled ttc she totally gets the pain u feel when everyone around is 'there' and you aren't. My dads sister had a baby every year for SIX years before mum finally had me. she said she just couldnt believe it was happening again every time she had to visit another new baby! She told me once how before she had me, after trying for years, she got to a stage where she almost felt like she could steal a baby. Back then in the 70's folk left babies outside laundromats & shops & flats for air... She said sometimes she'd see babies in prams & think 'i could just take it'. She KNEW it was crazy & would never have done it...but the feelings were that strong.

However... On a more positive note- I actually do TRULY feel very happy for the friend who's having twins. She has struggled for years. She deserves happiness... As do I, & do you Briss, & Viccat, & all the girls in here. This particular friend has reminded me again that there's hope ahead. I'm getting anxiety about this FS appt, but I'm gonna keep thinking of my friend & the idea that I could end up with twins too if I'm lucky! ; )

 

[Electricat]

Briss...yep it's bloody tough. I'm sort of uncomfortable writing this & saying it to other people- but I have almost completely isolated myself from all my oldest friends over the last 5 or more years. Bcos i havent been able to cope with everyone having babies. Couldn't handle another excruciating baby shower. I'm ashamed to say that one of my closest friends I haven't seen for a year since she had her 2nd baby... I was so miserable last year for so many reasons that after she had her 2nd baby I just felt like we had nothing in common anymore. It seemed all she talked about were her toddler & baby, she even said it herself.... It kinda did my head in. I felt like she was now in the 'club' that I'm still not part of. Totally selfish i know. I hate that I feel that way, I feel like a terrible person. I wish I could be different. But i got to a point where I couldn't physically make myself contact her anymore.. And she didn't bother either, so I didn't feel so guilty about it. But I do now when I think about it all.

I talk to my mum about it a lot. She's my lifeline sometimes. bcos she struggled ttc she totally gets the pain u feel when everyone around is 'there' and you aren't. My dads sister had a baby every year for SIX years before mum finally had me. she said she just couldnt believe it was happening again every time she had to visit another new baby! She told me once how before she had me, after trying for years, she got to a stage where she almost felt like she could steal a baby. Back then in the 70's folk left babies outside laundromats & shops & flats for air... She said sometimes she'd see babies in prams & think 'i could just take it'. She KNEW it was crazy & would never have done it...but the feelings were that strong.

However... On a more positive note- I actually do TRULY feel very happy for the friend who's having twins. She has struggled for years. She deserves happiness... As do I, & do you Briss, & Viccat, & all the girls in here. This particular friend has reminded me again that there's hope ahead. I'm getting anxiety about this FS appt, but I'm gonna keep thinking of my friend & the idea that I could end up with twins too if I'm lucky! ; )

 

[viccat]

I wouldn't be so tough on yourself about stepping back from friendships Juniper. Friendships are flexible things, especially those long term ones where you've got a strong bond. They can come and go for years at a time, and I am sure if you get your BFP your friend will be thrilled for you, and happy to pick up where you guys left off.

I see less of them nowadays, but I've known my oldest matest for more than 30 years. Sometimes it has been strained, other times easy, but they feel like family, and I know that if something terrible happened we would be there for eachother.

[Weirdly, I am getting on better with the one who does have a child at the moment. One has gone anti-children, and likes to spend ££££ on expensive clothes and nights out, which just isn't me. The other has a new husband, so is a bit off radar at the moment!]

 

[Briss]

Juniperjules good luck with your FS appt, I so hope this will be the begining of something wondeful for you.

Just had a coffee with a colleague who is leaving the firm who was trying to persuade me that I really need to stop working this hard and start thinking about getting pregnant and she went on and on about the benefits etc. It's partly my fault cos nobody at work knows I am TTC they think I am obsessed career woman who just loves working 24/7. I was trying very hard not to spill the beans but it made me wanna cry. On a positive note my DH and I and off to Barcelona tomorrow for a city break, we are trying to patch up our relationship because it got to a point where we are just constantly unhappy with each other. maybe if we relax for a few days things get better. I really hope so cos otherwise I just do not know what future we have

 

[viccat]

Just had a coffee with a colleague who is leaving the firm who was trying to persuade me that I really need to stop working this hard and start thinking about getting pregnant and she went on and on about the benefits etc. It's partly my fault cos nobody at work knows I am TTC they think I am obsessed career woman who just loves working 24/7. I was trying very hard not to spill the beans but it made me wanna cry. On a positive note my DH and I and off to Barcelona tomorrow for a city break, we are trying to patch up our relationship because it got to a point where we are just constantly unhappy with each other. maybe if we relax for a few days things get better. I really hope so cos otherwise I just do not know what future we have

I hope you have a lovely time in Barcelona - it is one of my favourite places to visit, so I'm quite jealous! I am keeping my fingers crossed that you and your DH chill out, enjoy eachother's company and reconnect. I TOTALLY understand the not knowing what future you have with your partner. I regularly feel that way too....

As for well meaning folks telling you to TTC - well! I haven't told anyone either because I don't want all my conversations to be about the disappointment of not being pregnant. It does mean that there's some ill judged comments at times though!