Lack of intimacy & dtd

[lexus15]

My oh doesn't want to dtd hardly ever. I have to literally beg/ask every month & usually get told he's 'tired' or 'tomorrow' which never comes for me He knows HE has control over this area & that I'll ask, but a few months ago I thought f**k this & never asked thinking he would want to get intimate, nope he wasn't bothered at all. Alongside this he's also stopped taking his Wellman vits saying it's giving him an upset stomach (he'd been taking it for a year with no previous problems). I'm slowly resenting him more, as it seems he wants to sabatoge us having the chance of another baby.

He's 44 with a sex drive of a 90 year old, I've have tried sexy underwear in the past but it doesn't excite him and I felt very foolish. When asked he will agree he wants another child but how does he expect it to happen if we dtd? It's not possible to use the cup & syringe method as he doesn't like to masturbate & must be the only man that doesn't. He'd prefer to spend hours on his laptop doing work, football or playing games than be intimate with me.

When I've tried to talk about this he clams up, but he did mention that when he wanted to be intimate with me I used to push him away, this was at least 15 years ago..what an excuse

We have a fertility checkup in the next few weeks to find out if we want to do IVF (can't afford it) as IUI, injections & clomid never worked. I explained to him that I'll be mentioning his lack of sex drive to the docs to see if there is any way they can help.

I am angry & frustrated at myself that I have resorted asking for sex (whether it's to make a baby or not) & that he feels no way to turn me down. I'm also saddened as I come to realise that I may never carry & hold my second child & our 18 year daughter may never have a sibling.

How do you other ladies cope with this?? It's such a huge burden on my shoulders which I constantly think about & question why I'm living with such a selfish man.

 

[Zeri]

Oooh, I could have written your post! I'm in the same shoes too. DH is 44 and has low sex drive (I think his testosterone is low), so we hardly ever dtd. Most times it's just 2-3 times at month at the most. I think last month was a grand total of 2 times and this cycle we haven't BD at all yet, and I'm on CD18. I O'd already (on CD16) and don't have a chance in hell this month because of lack of BD. I tried initiating nearly every day this week - on Monday he was too tired and said we'll BD on Tuesday. But from Tuesday night onwards we was busy with meeting and came in late every night and was too tired to dtd when I asked. So O came and went with nothing. And to make it worse, this was my last Clomid cycle too... When I think that I just had my last Clomid cycle and I don't even a chance this cycle it just makes me .

I so feel your pain. Most times I have to initiate BD, especially when it's around O. To be fair to DH, I don't tell him when I'm O'ing or share anything with him ttc-related, because I don't think he'll take well to the pressure. It's hard enough for him to want BD, I just worry that the pressure of ttc might make everything worse. But it's hard when I'm in a fertile time and he turns me down too, and then O just goes by with nothing. I've ad so many cycles like this..too many to count! It's so hard to be rejected..especially in the fertile period. I'm so tired of begging too...makes me feel so pathetic.

I also have a daughter who just made 3....I had hoped to be able to give her a sibling by now.. (was pregnant in July 2011 but miscarried at 81/2 weeks). I'm 36 now and worry that my time will run out and that I'll never be able to give her a brother or sister, or experience having another baby, which I want so bad.

Anyway, sorry for rambling... just wanted to say that I completely feel where you're coming from. And it is hard to cope when you just want a baby so bad. Have you ever tried your DH on libido boosting supplements? DH and I were taking Maca before and it helped...but then he stopped taking them because he felt they were causing him to have a pain in his side. I'm trying to get him to take them again.

It's good that you guys have a fertility appt coming up. Hopefully the docs will be able to recommend something for his sex drive. I believe that if he and my DH's sex drive was better ttc wouldn't be such a chore! Finger s crossed for you!

 

[Suzy_Q]

I've had the same problem... not ashamed to say it but porn dvds work for me. Just pop them in and let the good times roll ;-)

 

[lexus15]

He's such a prude he doesn't or won't watch porn, maybe our blokes are this way as they are approaching middle age?

We haven't tried Maca but he can just about take a Wellman vit every few days. Is it a powder? Maybe I could add it to his plate of dinner & he'll never know

Feel free to pm me should you want to express yourself rather than at our OH's

 

[Zeri]

Yes, I guess it's an age-related thing with guys over 40. I hear about it a lot on these boards. Still, maybe it doesn't have to be this way? I don't know if I"m quite ready for an asexual relationship at age 36. I think supplements can definitely help. It's unfortunate your DH doesn't like taking pills, but yes, maca is sold in powder form as well and can be mixed in foods and drinks, like smoothies. I hear the black maca is especially powerful.

I'm thinking of ordering some Horny Goat WEed for DH - from reading about it online it helps a lot with libido, but it also can have a few side effects. I'm hoping he would be willing to take it - something really needs to change for the better.

 

[Briss]

are you sure you are not taking about my DH? sounds awfully familiar

porn does not really help us, I am the one who keeps magazines at home and practically force him to look through... never thought that would be my life at this point

I've given him maca, Horny Goat Weed and all the rest of it, no effect whatsoever. I am beginning to think it's psychological, he is probably resisting me and this whole TTC thing.

 

[Blythe]

Yeah ladies what makes me laugh is when girls say they got pregnant when they were taking a break....well clearly they werent because the had sex around the time they ovulated! If we had a break from ttc we wouldnt dtd for ages (particulary when its this cold!). Spontanious sex is something we used to do....ttc has put an end to that malarky!

 

[Zeri]

Blythe - same thing here. If I don't initiate then it'll probably be months. We haven't sex now for about 3 1/2 weeks... I wish I could be like one of those girls who doesn't have to try but just gets pregnant...! Ha! That'll never happen in my world!

Briss, sorry to hear that nothing works on your DH. DO you usually manage to get any BD in during your fertile window?

AFM - Just got some HOrny Goat Weed for DH. I'm hoping he'll be open to taking it and that it will help.

 

[Briss]

I make hubby BD during my fertile window, whatever it takes. I can get really upset if he refuses and over 2 years we have been TTC I've made scenes, threatened with divorce, forced him etc so I guess it's partly my fault that he now does not feel like doing it ever. i mean we still do 1-3 times a month during my fertile period but he clearly does not enjoy it

 

[lexus15]

I am beginning to think it's psychological, he is probably resisting me and this whole TTC thing.

I think this is my OH...He 'agrees' with me on certain things & makes the appropriate comments with ttc #2 but psychologically I feel that he doesn't 'really' want another child.

I've tried all sort of ways to get him to admit to this but so far he's avoided being truthful. I'd rather the truth that he doesn't want another baby rather than the half assed once a month attempt (if i'm lucky).

I'm going to look into buying maca, Briss where did you order yours?

 

[BabyBean14]

I was wondering if maybe your DH is trying to cover for an erectile disfunction? Maybe something like Viagra to help him...uh...stand at attention would help. My DH is 42 and has absolutely no problem in that department. In our relationship, I'm the one with the issues, unfortunately. I've had a lot of physical/sexual trauma and while I get turned on, I don't want it more than once/week usually.

 

[Briss]

I am beginning to think it's psychological, he is probably resisting me and this whole TTC thing.

I think this is my OH...He 'agrees' with me on certain things & makes the appropriate comments with ttc #2 but psychologically I feel that he doesn't 'really' want another child.

I've tried all sort of ways to get him to admit to this but so far he's avoided being truthful. I'd rather the truth that he doesn't want another baby rather than the half assed once a month attempt (if i'm lucky).

I'm going to look into buying maca, Briss where did you order yours?

I got him this maca https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B000WP6AAM/ref=oh_details_o03_s00_i00

My Dh actually admitted that he is not sure he wants a child. I am quite upset that I have to come up with a "business case" to persuade him that this is a good idea.

 

[Zeri]

Kismet - that's a good point about trying to cover up potential ED issues. I know sometimes my DH doesn't want to BD at certain times because he fears being unable to 'perform'. I think once their confidence is boosted in that Dept. (with Viagra aetc) they're a lot more open to dtd spontaneously.

Briss and lexus - my DH never really cared for children either. When we got married we agreed on trying for at least 2, though, because he always knew that I wanted. Still, when we discussed trying for #1 first he had a lot of fears/anxieties about how life would change etc, and would often ask me 'why do I want to have children?; and point out all the great things about a childfree lifestyle. I tried not to share my cycle details with him and just tried to seduce him at that time because I figured he would get anxious about the whole thing and not be able to perform, or either resist BD. Thankfully I did get pregnant quickly (on Clomid) -DH was anxious when I got my bfp and pretty much all throughout my pregnancy but he loves our DD so much now and is a great Dad, although he still doesn't think we need another child right now. I think if did have another he would love him/her just as much as our DD though. I don't know...I think most guys love their children once they're born, but something about the act of 'trying' to have a baby - actually proactively creating life makes them scared.

Briss, have you ever been on Clomid? It can help give you that extra 'edge' in conceiving...

 

[Briss]

Zeri, I totally agree and I am sure my DH will be in love with our child as soon as he/she is born but at present he has these irrational fears and there is nothing I can do. I have not tried Clomid cos I ovulate on my own. Also I am not entirely sure but I think Clomid stimulates ovaries and I have cysts. Besides, our problem is hubby's low sperm count.

 

[Zeri]

Zeri, I totally agree and I am sure my DH will be in love with our child as soon as he/she is born but at present he has these irrational fears and there is nothing I can do. I have not tried Clomid cos I ovulate on my own. Also I am not entirely sure but I think Clomid stimulates ovaries and I have cysts. Besides, our problem is hubby's low sperm count.

I ovulate on my own too and have polycystic ovaries..but I agree the stimulation effect probably isn't the best if you already have cysts. Clomid can help in cases of low sperm count as well - if you ovulate on your own you might release more than one egg which gives the sperm more targets to hit. Of course, there's also the chance of twins, which is not an outcome everybody wants.

anyway, hopefully with the challenges we all face, we'll all get preggo sooner rather than later.

 

[2have4kids]

This has been such a controversial idea but I still stand by it. With the oh's who are refusing every month, have you considered using donor sperm? I want 4 children and I'm so happy to have DH in my life (most times anyway lol) but would seriously consider donor sperm if he wasn't living up to his part of the agreement every month.

I would go down the path with the NHS (on my own) to figure out what process I need to do it and communicate my intentions after I've sorted out an alternate route. But I know not all relationships can withstand this, I'm pretty headstrong and would never let my husband or any other man control my dreams. I' probably even more extreme on the matter because I watched his eldest bro do this to his wife. He's a chauvinist pig -my bro in law and thank god she divorced him, thank goodness my husband is happy to bd when we see the double lines on the opk but had he been more like his eldest bro, I'd have to map out my future with a partner who's a professional saboteur.

I've written this before and the lady who liked the idea of planning out a future with kids despite husband said just the mention of it spurred a competitive positive reaction from her partner. I don't think it would work for very many ladies, I get that we want to see a reflection of our men and you in baby. I guess I have a clear picture of my future (despite my shit diagnosis and late start) and I'll do anything to carve out that life for me.

 

[Suzy_Q]

2have4kids - this is exactly what my long-term boyfriend and I went through. He kept putting me off, I kept getting older so I looked into donor sperm. He went with me to every appointment (even after we officially broke up the night before the RE appointment). He eventually caved when the costs of donor sperm and IUI were discussed. He had decided that if I had someone else's child everyone we know would assume it was his and he "couldn't do that to a child" so he is my "donor". We are tentatively back together but he needed to know that he can leave if he wants/needs to after a child is conceived. As a 38 year old, I will be deliriously happy with a child with or without a man. Being a divorcee, I know men can come and go but my opportunity to have a child is now!

 

[2have4kids]

That's exactly how I feel. I have had too many disappointments from men in my life to allow them to take this dream away. I'm so happy you found a way around getting your goal, it's so much better when they just 'put out'!

The way I see it too, my mom is going to live to 90 or 100 and my dad is failing at 70. That's 30 years without my OH if it works out the same for me. If I have no children that would be a lonely time to live through without family-20-30 YEARS! I want to be invited to family vacations on the beach and watch grandchildren play in the sand. And I want to babysit for my kids when they have their own kids. There is SO much love and life beyond this stage of life, It's my mission to set that up.

 

[Briss]

I suggested using donor sperm to my DH but from his response I gathered it would mean a divorce. I am still going to give him a bit more time cos he is trying (not as hard as me) but I agree that I will be happy with a child with or without a man and I also feel that my opportunity to have a child is now and it's just passing me by while I am waiting for my DH to come to his senses

 

[viccat]

Hi all, I am coming to hang out with you guys. I could have written so much of what has already been said about how you feel, needing to pester the OH to DTD.

In the last 3 cycles we have DTD twice. That is because I have lost heart with it all, so not been pestering as much.

It frustrates the heck out of me, because otherwise we get on great and I have a lot of respect and love for him. I actually don't just want a child, I want a family, and don't want to do this on my own. He actually does more looking after our pets than I do, and seems quite happy with the idea of having kids. He just doesn't seem able to translate that into DTD even if he isn't in the mood ...... and being realistic he is virtually never in the mood.