Let's just call this my leaving-my-manboy diary

[Proserpina]

Oh, ye gods, I need my soon-to-be-ex-husband to move out. He is driving me CRAY-CRAY.

Long story short, I asked manboy to clear the table tonight and clean up after dinner, and to show our daughter how to do it. His idea of "clear the table and clean up" was:

• Toss a flimsy piece of saran wrap over the leftover pasta in its serving bowl and shove it into the fridge. It wasn't even fully covered.
• Put most of the dishes from the table into the sink. Leave some dishes on the table. Do not make any effort to get food off of the dishes and into the garbage disposal; just leave it all in the sink.
• Put a few dirty dishes into the dishwasher without taking the clean ones out and putting them away. Don't bother doing a better job even after wife prompts you to do it right. Do not finish loading the dishwasher and do not start it.
• Show our daughter how to do it? Nah, she's fine running off and doing whatever the hell she wants.

I made dinner tonight. How would he have felt if I handed him a plate full of half-cooked meat? If the vegetables were still partially frozen? If I gave everyone silverware except him? I don't half-ass things, so why does he?

(In fact, he did make dinner the other day---and the vegetables were still partially frozen!)

This may sound like a small faux pas when considered on its own, but this is what happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I delegate a task to him. He does the crappiest, most half-assed job in the world and calls it good. I just cannot wait to get him the HELL out of my life.

 

[Proserpina]

My leaving-manboy to-do list:

• File for divorce [IN PROGRESS: Prove-up date on 9-10-2014!]
• Research childcare options so that I can return to work [COMPLETED 4-02-2014]
• Either repair my current car or purchase a new one [COMPLETED 2-19-2014]
• Go back to work [COMPLETED 3-17-2014]
• Have manboy move out [COMPLETED 4-08-2014]

Going to use this thread to keep track of my progress on each of these points.

 

[Proserpina]

FILE FOR DIVORCE

• Bah. I went to the courthouse on Friday and said, "hello, I'd like to file for divorce." The clerk replies, "Where is your judgment?" Um, judgment? Did my request make it sound like I was in mid-process? After a confusing exchange, they gave me the paperwork to get started. Now that I work 8:30 - 5:00 PM, I'll have to use a personal day or sick day or something to file for divorce. Grrr. [3-18-2014]
• I got manboy to do the divorce filing (long story). Not only that, but he is paying everything I want him to pay and for all of the filing fees. See my latest post in the thread. We have a prove-up date this Wednesday, after which, if the judge agrees we have completed the requirements for divorce, I will be 100% single again! [8-10-2014]
• Prove-up date was a joke. Manboy made a fool of himself. New date: September 10th. [8-25-2014]

 

[Proserpina]

RESEARCH CHILDCARE

• Holy crap, this one is a doozy. Tried calling a few places only to find that infant childcare runs about $250 per week. They won't give me a discount for late drop-off. That puts my childcare costs at approximately $1600 per month. [2-13-2014]
• Called my unemployed brother and asked how he would feel about moving out to Illinois for a few months and becoming my "manny." I would rent him a room or a studio apartment for $450-$600 per month so that he can have his own space, and I don't want to get roped into another 1-year lease if I switch to a 3-bedroom apartment. I want to be able to go back to Washington state in August. [2-13-2014]
• A lovely couple from my church has offered to take in my brother for a few weeks if he wants to come be my "manny." They would take him in while we hunt for a room for him to rent. [2-16-2014]
• With the new job, I will not commute back into town until 6:20 PM. I found a childcare place that is open until 9 PM, will cost about $1400 per month for both kids. Have an appointment to tour it on Tuesday at 4:30 PM. Looks like my brother is probably not going to come out and be my manny. [3-8-2014]
• My brother flew out to help me for the first two weeks of my new job, but I doubt he will decide he wants to come out indefinitely. I have the kids signed up for the daycare that is open late, starting on April 1st. It will cost about $1400 per month. [3-18-2014]
• I have been having trouble arranging for transportation from my daughter's school to this daycare that is open late, but I think the solution may finally be at hand. My daughter's one-on-one aid has generously agreed to drive her after school. I have to talk to her to dot the Is, cross the Ts, and see how much she wants for this service, but child care is just about all set up. [3-29-2014]
• So, I finally feel good about marking this one off as "complete." With my brother back in Washington state, my children are now being cared for by a woman from my husband's ward, who is watching both of them for the low cost of $250 per week. I had to set up transportation from DD's school to this woman's home this week, but busing will begin on Monday. In the meantime, my brother enjoyed living with me for 2.5 weeks and he may be moving out here to essentially serve as my au pair (minus being from a foreign country) in the next month or so. [4-02-2014]

COMPLETED​

 

[Proserpina]

REPAIR CAR OR BUY A NEW ONE

• Called my car insurance company today and got them to send a tow for the car. It is in the shop. Waiting to hear back on what the damages will cost so I can decide whether to repair it or junk it. [2-13-2014]
• Car repair shop got back to me today. Sounds like the repairs are manageable. Going to go ahead with them on Monday. Should have a functional car again by Tuesday. [2-15-2014]
• Car cost more to repair than I would have liked, but it is fixed and back home. [2-19-2014]

COMPLETED​

 

[Proserpina]

GO BACK TO WORK

• I have a job interview tomorrow for a part-time administrative assistant position. Would make for a nice transition back to working. [2-19-2014]
• Had a job interview on Tuesday for an entry-level position with the state. Felt like it went really well. I must have been right, because they called me today to offer me the job! Full time, has benefits. Starts March 17th. [3-1-2014]
• New job started yesterday. [3-18-2014]

COMPLETED​

 

[Proserpina]

HAVE MANBOY MOVE OUT

• Manboy is rushing off to apply for a one-bedroom apartment as I write this. Here's hoping his bad credit does not torpedo his application. If he is approved he could be out today. [3-29-2014]
• He was approved for the new apartment. He moves out April 8. [3-31-2014]
• He moved out on April 8. [4-17-2014]

COMPLETED​

 

[daneuse27]

After everything I've read about your husband, I don't blame you at all for wanting him to leave. That would drive me insane! Its like he expects you to do the rest.

 

[Proserpina]

When he asked me what he could do to save the marriage a few months ago, this was what I told him:

• Find a new career. I won't stay with you if dance is what you want to do. There is no future in it.
• One that makes decent money.
• One where the shift you work is a reasonable 8-9 hour shift.
• One where you only work 5 days a week and can spend 2 days home with your family. It doesn't have to be Saturday and Sunday, but you do need to have 2 days off.
• Do chores on a regular basis. At least one chore every day without me having to ask. I'm not going to remind you of this. We've been married for 10 years and you know that I want it, so you either do it at this point or you don't.
• Never, ever lie to me and never, EVER think that it is okay for you to cut me out of family decision-making by saying "but I prayed about it" or anything to that effect

What has he done?

• He's still dancing. In fact, he left his old job to go teach at the dance studio that Bimberly teaches at, and when he left his old job, his ex-boss (the one whom I'd told him a million times was a complete jerk who was going to screw us over) flat-out refused to pay him about 3k in final compensation, 2 days before Christmas. We have a 50k lawsuit against him now for 2.66 years of unpaid overtime, minimum wage violations, and blatantly stolen wages. Manboy has shown no interest in seeking a non-dance career.
• He made less than 23k last year, having been out of college for 7 years. He's making more at the new studio, but it's still only going to be 36k-38k if he keeps up his current rate (he's paid on commission again). Not awful, but not great when you consider he's been done with college for 8 years and dancing for 3. No word on this job having benefits.
• Is still gone for long hours, often away from home for more than 12 hours every day.
• Still works 6 days a week. Has ignored my requests for him to re-arrange his schedule and take one more day off.
• Chores? What are those? Maybe on Sunday (his only day off) he'll do a few chores. That's it.
• He told me back in September that he had paid off a daycare bill with his own money. I received a collections notice for it in November. Other than that, I haven't caught him outright lying just yet, but he did fail to disclose to me very critical information when he was debating switching jobs in December.

I continue to feel like I'm micro-managing a giant man-child and I just want him out of my life.

 

[Dezireey]

Well good for you for sticking to your guns and ensuring you are leaving him, he will be gone eventually, it takes time but you will be free of him eventually.

It is so frustrating being around a so called ' man' when in all honesty, the woman is more of a.'man' than him, aswell as taking on other roles. My ex thought he was a big, strong man ( okay, visually he is 6ft 6 and huge but he is just a stupid little boy) and even now I feel like if he had stayed or we worked things out, I would be looking after two kids not one. If you are someone who likes to get things done and are organised, a relationship with a procrastinator / lazy person who takes forever to make decisons etc is doomed. I got fed up of being called impatient by my ex, well no, these guys are just lazy bums who want everything done for them and for life to fall into their lap, not go out and get it. Sheesh!

Hugs xx

 

[Proserpina]

Thank you for the support. My first goal for today is to complete an essay for a summer fellowship application that I need to have in the mail by tomorrow. If I'm accepted, I'll be spending 6 weeks this summer out-of-state. DS will come with me since he is breastfeeding, but DD will probably go to stay with one set of grandparents or the other.

Wish me luck!

 

[Proserpina]

Here's a memory for ya. Sept. 28, 2013, the day before my induction. I'm 41+1. My cervix is only a 1 and my Bishop's score is low, but they pretty much have to induce the next day due to risk of pre-eclampsia, and my doctor wants to do a sweep to get things moving.

So I'm laying on the table with my dress hiked up, my doctor (a smokin' hot 29 year-old resident) has his hand inside me and has started doing the sweep.

Manboy, who was seated in a chair across the room, suddenly jumps up, throws the door to the room wide open, and saunters on out of there. Does not pull the curtain around me first; does not crack the door open and carefully slip out. Just throws the door wide open and walks out like he doesn't have a care in the world, leaving the door to drift closed slowly, very slowly behind him.

The front desk is visible from the door. Any patient or staff member could have been walking by there and seen me on the table, legs spread, with my doctor's hand in me. (Thankfully I don't think anybody did.)

Stuff like that is why I am getting the hell out of this marriage.

 

[daneuse27]

Why on earth did he do that? Jealous about the doctor or something, I don't get it..

 

[Proserpina]

Why on earth did he do that? Jealous about the doctor or something, I don't get it..

No idea. Best I can come up with is that he was uncomfortable watching the doctor do this procedure on his wife and decided to beeline out of there without any regard for the fact that I was exposed. It's like he has no consideration for anything that I want or need whatsoever.

 

[Proserpina]

So, Manboy took my debit card yesterday, saying he needed to remove some funds to replenish the I-Pass account. I said okay, thinking he would remove $100-$200. He removed $1000 (the maximum that the ATM would let him remove).

I confronted him about this and he began raging that half of our $7450 tax return should have been his to do whatever he wants with. Oh, that's precious. He thinks 100% of the bills are my responsibility, even though we rang up those bills last year thanks to him insisting on working a job that made less than minimum wage---a fact that I had already explained to him. Okay, sweetie, I'll give you half of the tax return along with half of the bills to pay off. Sound good?

Mind you, I gave him $400 of the tax return already because he demanded it to buy new dance shoes. I haven't spent $400 on furthering my career. I haven't even spent $25 of the tax return on myself. Manboy is special.

I cancelled my debit card and changed the PIN that I've used for years. He will never touch another one of my cards again. That is the second time that he has lied to me and stolen money from my account. Whatever floundering hope he may have had of saving this marriage is now completely gone.

Car is fixed, got a job interview tomorrow for a part-time administrative assistant job. Wish me luck!

 

[44npregnant]

I'm glad it sounds like you are determined and not second guessing yourself. That is half the battle when getting out of a toxic relationship!

 

[Proserpina]

Big breakthrough for me today. I interviewed for a job with the Illinois Department of Human Services on Tuesday. Felt like the interview went well. At one point in the interview, they asked me why I hadn't put in for Social Services Career Trainee (which is a higher-paying position that qualifies you for even better paying positions after 6-12 months). An interview is going well when the interviewers are like, "Hey, why don't you apply for this better job?," right? I told them that I had put in for it and received an A, and they smiled and said, "Well, maybe they'll start hiring those in March."

I was offered the job I interviewed for today. Wouldn't surprise me if I am not far from SSCT. I start on the 17th. Job has health/vision/dental. Very excited.

 

[daneuse27]

Congrats on the job offer!!

 

[Proserpina]

I hate my freakin' soon-to-be-ex. Apparently he is about to roll in two weeks of good sales at his current job. I told him about my job offer and how much it makes. His comment?

"Wow, I think I might make that much on this next [bi-weekly] paycheck."

Whoa, back the scrub train up! All the pathetic financial stuff you did these past 2-3 years, last year especially, and now that you're finally about to draw a not-pathetic paycheck for the first time ever, all you can think to do with that information is beat me down? When the salary of this very-much starter position is easily more than what you've made every month of our married life? When it's my job that's going to give our kids insurance and not yours? When this is the first permanent full-time position I've had in 7.5 years?

Well, make as much money as you want, sweetie, because until your kids are grown, 35% of it is mine.

I have got to get away from this man.

 

[daneuse27]

Wow what a jerk thing to say. Sounds like a piece of work. I say focus in your great news. He's only trying to beat you down because of his own insecurity.