losing hope?

[odd_socks]

Is it just me who feels like they have been waiting forever and are losing hope that it will ever happen?

I know I have at least another few years before the OH will even be ready to think about TTC. By then I will be almost mid thirties and personally dont want to be that old when I have my first

 

[Beanonorder]

I'm feeling that way a little about number 2. Dh has known that I've always wanted two kids and was on board with it but I recently brought it up because I'm keen to start trying at some point this year and I basically got a flat out no. He says he's changed his mind and I should be grateful to have my dd. After a long talk he basically said we would 'revisit' this talk but he's never brought it up again and often the way he talks its like he's definitely decided no. Needless to say I am absolutely devastated. I am already in my 30s so I don't want to wait too much longer and I also don't want a huge age gap.

 

[Broody85]

Me, my OH doesn't like kids and at the moment doesn't want them but says he might change his mind in the future! I know how this sounds and I should leave him right? But I love him. I am so stuck on what to do for the best! Would your OH not consider TTC sooner? x

 

[odd_socks]

Sorry to hear that It suck's that guys feel that have 100% the final say, surely it should 50/50, and yet I feel like I don't get any say on the subject. I have no idea how I am ever going to get him to hear what I am saying, threatening to leave him doesn't even work!

 

[odd_socks]

Me, my OH doesn't like kids and at the moment doesn't want them but says he might change his mind in the future! I know how this sounds and I should leave him right? But I love him. I am so stuck on what to do for the best! Would your OH not consider TTC sooner? x

Many people have said to me "just leave him" but how can you leave your soulmate over one issue? I was brought up very much that relationships/marriages work, if you are prepared to work hard at them, but it is hard when you don't get any say in a situation at all.
I very much doubt my OH will consider TTC any time soon, I have been waiting almost 4 years for him to be "ready" as it is, and we are no closer to him feeling that so x

 

[Broody85]

Is that why you're not TTC? Does he defo want kids? x

 

[odd_socks]

Yes that's the only reason we are WTT. He says he does but I'm not so sure he does

 

[MissN8]

I hear ya, my OH isn't interested in kids but is compromising for me but I just have to wait for him. I am in my 30s too so am feeling the pressure to try. he is willing to try next year so I would give him time and maybe talk to see if you can set a date on it. or don't mention for a while he might come around sorry u have to go through this its not nice waiting when you have these feelings women don't get it easy. I think men think once u start trying u will fall straight away but it doesn't always work like that, men!!!!! least I know I have waited until the date we set and that I didn't force him into it well not really lol but I think once we have them their attitudes will change I think men are just scared

 

[odd_socks]

I hear ya, my OH isn't interested in kids but is compromising for me but I just have to wait for him. I am in my 30s too so am feeling the pressure to try. he is willing to try next year so I would give him time and maybe talk to see if you can set a date on it. or don't mention for a while he might come around sorry u have to go through this its not nice waiting when you have these feelings women don't get it easy. I think men think once u start trying u will fall straight away but it doesn't always work like that, men!!!!! least I know I have waited until the date we set and that I didn't force him into it well not really lol but I think once we have them their attitudes will change I think men are just scared

He won't set a TTC date, I asked him just over 12 months ago if we could set a date to TTC but he said "no, how will I know if I am going to be ready in that time". I know he will be a great dad when it happens, he will love it. I suppose it is fear of the unknown and losing freedom we have now.

 

[Broody85]

When you have threatened to leave him, what has he said? I'm seriously reconsidering my relationship ATM. I really don't want to be in this same position in 5 years time. At least your OH isn't against kids like mine is ATM x

 

[odd_socks]

When you have threatened to leave him, what has he said? I'm seriously reconsidering my relationship ATM. I really don't want to be in this same position in 5 years time. At least your OH isn't against kids like mine is ATM x

When I threatened him in the past, he felt that I was putting having a baby before him, that it would be more important to me than he is

 

[Broody85]

Well, it kind of is tho. I know a couple who didn't have kids because he didn't want them. They are still together but you can tell she kinda resents him for it. You couldn't live like that. Guaranteed he wouldn't regret having a kid but you would regret not having one x

 

[tverb84]

I feel like this sometimes. Right now I don't even know when I'll have my first.

 

[williamscott3]

Sounds Good..

 

[aidensxmomma]

Well, it kind of is tho. I know a couple who didn't have kids because he didn't want them. They are still together but you can tell she kinda resents him for it. You couldn't live like that. Guaranteed he wouldn't regret having a kid but you would regret not having one x

That was my thought too. I think, no matter how much I love someone, if I wanted kids and they didnt (or were just wasting time until I couldnt anymore) I would have to leave. Kids are a large part of what I planned for my future and I know I would harbor resentment if my OH didnt want any and we didnt have any. When I was dating, if things stared to get serious I always brought up wanting kids because if he didnt want any, there was no way it would have worked. I feel it is a big enough issue that I would end a relationship over it.

I hope things get figured out for you ladies soon.

 

[Squashy]

Hi odd_socks, we've chatted before on and off, you might remember me. I'm still here WTT. My OH seems to go through phases of wanting a family and not wanting a family, but so far he's stayed safe and kept his little swimmers to himself for the whole 13 and 1/2 years that we've been together. I love him more than anything and feel guilty at times that I can't just 'switch off' the broody bit of me, other times I'm angry as hell that he can't grasp how important having children is to me. I've had a major low recently and even found myself plotting using donor sperm without telling him. I've never go through with it of course, but for those few hours the thinking and plotting eases my pain. I don't know what else to do. It interferes with my life far more than I should let it. I avoid seeing friends with children, I walk around the supermarket totally focused on just getting my shopping and getting out so I don't have to smile at the cute baby staring at me in the queue, or bump into anyone I know with a new bump or baby. Someday's I can't focus at work or on study, I'm so down. I've had tears in my eyes and snuck off to the loo when people at work have asked if I have kids or want any. For a few years now I've just kept up the pretence that I don't want children as it's less painful than explaining the reality and getting their negative comments back in return. However, still I live in hope. Just last night I asked other half if we'll have babies, he nodded, so I asked if it would be soon, he nodded. I have hope but I've felt let down so many times that I dare not get my hopes up as I know all too well that these positive responses go nowhere. I'm soon to be 32, OH is 53, so I feel like our time is ticking away and we'll 'miss the window' and this breaks my heart. If that happened and we never have children then I'd more than resent him for it, yet I think he knows he would regret not having children but still isn't compelled to do anything about it. Sorry, my little moan over, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this situation and if you ever need to talk, let off steam, anything, then I'm here. I don't post all that frequently these days as I feel like I've said and done it all before, but I read the forum most days as it helps *hugs*

 

[MissN8]

Hi squashy why is your oh holding off at his age and that you have been together so long?

 

[Squashy]

Hi squashy why is your oh holding off at his age and that you have been together so long?

I don't know for sure, he never gives a clear reason. Mostly it seems to be about money. He isn't working atm but I am and I earn enough to live comfortably but without luxuries such as new motorbikes or holidays. I couldn't care less about luxuries but he is used to being able to spend as he pleases and has not had to budget or save up for anything for a long time. We both come from very poor backgrounds and know you can live a happy life without lots of money, but I think he feels he's letting us down by not having more money. Another excuse is that our house needs work doing on it, which is true yet non of it would take long to do if we got on with it and we have the money put aside for it already, yet he procrastinates. He worries that taking maternity leave will ruin my job progression and promotion prospects, as a nurse in a female dominated career I know this is not true and I'm in no rush to move on. He is a worrier and a procrastinater. I'm more laid back and take life as it comes. I also realise that we don't have forever to wait and that waiting is making me depressed.

 

[klsltsp]

ahh Broody/squashy I feel for you guys, I feel like I'm reading something that I wrote about 10 years ago!

My ex-husband and I were a great couple, very good friends. He wasn't sure he wanted kids... 5 years into our relationship we almost broke up. I told him that I wanted kids and if he didn't then that was a deal breaker... he said he just wasn't ready.. fast forward a few years, he says okay I'm ready, I'm pregnant 3 months later...he left when my ds was 3 months old (we had been together 11 years). He really didn't want kids, I should have listened to him... I just didn't believe him since he has always been great with kids. Now i don't regret anything since I wouldn't have my ds and he is amazing. Now i think my ex has it the way he wanted it, he gets to be a dad, but still gets to have his "normal" life... He was a terrible dad for a very long time.. ever since my ds turned 4 (he's now 7) things got much better and my ds doesn't remember those bad years.

Bottom line, listen to your heart, and be honest with yourself, decide if you could truly be happy without being a mom... it's a hard one believe me, i've been there, and I wasn't strong enough to be honest with myself.. I just always believed he'd come around...

I hope I haven't been to harsh, not meant to be

Good luck!

Kim

 

[Squashy]

ahh Broody/squashy I feel for you guys, I feel like I'm reading something that I wrote about 10 years ago!

My ex-husband and I were a great couple, very good friends. He wasn't sure he wanted kids... 5 years into our relationship we almost broke up. I told him that I wanted kids and if he didn't then that was a deal breaker... he said he just wasn't ready.. fast forward a few years, he says okay I'm ready, I'm pregnant 3 months later...he left when my ds was 3 months old (we had been together 11 years). He really didn't want kids, I should have listened to him... I just didn't believe him since he has always been great with kids. Now i don't regret anything since I wouldn't have my ds and he is amazing. Now i think my ex has it the way he wanted it, he gets to be a dad, but still gets to have his "normal" life... He was a terrible dad for a very long time.. ever since my ds turned 4 (he's now 7) things got much better and my ds doesn't remember those bad years.

Bottom line, listen to your heart, and be honest with yourself, decide if you could truly be happy without being a mom... it's a hard one believe me, i've been there, and I wasn't strong enough to be honest with myself.. I just always believed he'd come around...

I hope I haven't been to harsh, not meant to be

Good luck!

Kim

Hi Kim,

I appreciate your point, as hard as it to consider. OH knows how I feel and it's a matter of time and further discussion. He says he wants kids, he has very positive moments when he talks about what he wants, I know what a great Dad he will make if it ever happens. But the only response I seem to get from people when talking about our situation and how we feel is to 'be honest with myself' and 'leave him'. How many people come on BnB and chat in the WTT forums because they are waiting for their OH to feel ready? People do need time to 'feel ready' and I am accepting that OH isn't there yet despite his age and for whatever reasons. How many people go on to successfully become a family once they are both on the same page? Lots. I don't believe he'll never be ready, I'm just frustrated at how long this process is taking I feel like I'm wasting day after day of my life because me and OH live at different paces, but he the most amazing person who I couldn't love more and will never leave. OH is like this for every decision in life not just when to start a family, he's a born procrastinator. It's part of who he is, even though it's beyond frustrating for me!