I guess it is time for me to move out of the first trimester forum and hopefully I can find some solace in others that have experienced the same loss. I just lost my baby yesterday @ 6 weeks gestation due to an ectopic pregnancy and Im completely overwhelmed with emotion right now. I was told that they needed to administer methotrexate because my hCG levels were not decreasing and my body was not miscarrying on its own. According to my doctor, the pregnancy was ectopic because my hCG leves were remaining the same and were not dropping on their own, as in a normal miscarriage. They also performed two ultrasounds and could not locate my baby or the sac. I told them that I couldnt do that because I was afraid that my baby would be okay. My hCG level was only 84, but I still held onto hope, even knowing that was not close to normal at my stage of pregnancy. I demanded another blood test yesterday before I would agree and my hCG had dropped to 72. I knew that no matter what, my baby was not going to survive. I thought that because my level had finally dropped by 12 points in 48 hours, I would be able to go home and miscarry on my own, but my doctor still suspected the ectopic pregnancy because he said my levels were not dropping fast enough and by big enough numbers. I also had been experiencing abdominal cramping for a week and spotting that started slight but was becoming heavier. They kept telling me that if I did not take the shot of methotrexate, I could lose my fallopian tube and die. But, I kept feeling as if I was assisting in the death of my child. I struggled for hours with the decision and talked to a nurse that had her tubes ruptured. I was extremely angry with my doctor and he was upset with me, as he had another woman in the same situation go through this and she would not take the shot and she passed away as a result of the ruptured tube. My husband and my mother convinced me that my baby was already gone and that I needed to save myself so that I could have a baby again. But, I truly feel like I have done something so awful and sinful. I feel like no one really understands me and it is such a difficult situation to try to deal with when you feel so alone. I have always been a Christian and consider God first in my life, but I cant pretend that I am not angry right now, even somewhat with Him. I prayed so hard for this baby (it was our first) and was ecstatic when I saw that positive pregnancy test. I couldnt believe it because I had just recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and was told that I may have difficulty conceiving. I thought that God had worked His miracle and then it all fell apart. I know my husband grieves in his own way, but I feel like he can just pick up and move on from this so much easier than I can he keeps saying its okay, God will bring us another baby. I dont want just another baby, I want THIS baby! I know that he means well and is trying to console me, but it is just terribly difficult. I am sorry for rambling; it is just so fresh and painful right now.