Lost our baby yesterday due to ectopic pregnancy

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by bbb2009, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. bbb2009

    bbb2009 WTT after ectopic

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    I guess it is time for me to move out of the first trimester forum and hopefully I can find some solace in others that have experienced the same loss. I just lost my baby yesterday @ 6 weeks gestation due to an ectopic pregnancy and I’m completely overwhelmed with emotion right now. I was told that they needed to administer methotrexate because my hCG levels were not decreasing and my body was not miscarrying on its own. According to my doctor, the pregnancy was ectopic because my hCG leves were remaining the same and were not dropping on their own, as in a normal miscarriage. They also performed two ultrasounds and could not locate my baby or the sac. I told them that I couldn’t do that because I was afraid that my baby would be okay. My hCG level was only 84, but I still held onto hope, even knowing that was not close to normal at my stage of pregnancy. I demanded another blood test yesterday before I would agree and my hCG had dropped to 72. I knew that no matter what, my baby was not going to survive. I thought that because my level had finally dropped by 12 points in 48 hours, I would be able to go home and miscarry on my own, but my doctor still suspected the ectopic pregnancy because he said my levels were not dropping fast enough and by big enough numbers. I also had been experiencing abdominal cramping for a week and spotting that started slight but was becoming heavier. They kept telling me that if I did not take the shot of methotrexate, I could lose my fallopian tube and die. But, I kept feeling as if I was assisting in the death of my child. I struggled for hours with the decision and talked to a nurse that had her tubes ruptured. I was extremely angry with my doctor and he was upset with me, as he had another woman in the same situation go through this and she would not take the shot and she passed away as a result of the ruptured tube. My husband and my mother convinced me that my baby was already gone and that I needed to save myself so that I could have a baby again. But, I truly feel like I have done something so awful and sinful. I feel like no one really understands me and it is such a difficult situation to try to deal with when you feel so alone. I have always been a Christian and consider God first in my life, but I can’t pretend that I am not angry right now, even somewhat with Him. I prayed so hard for this baby (it was our first) and was ecstatic when I saw that positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe it because I had just recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and was told that I may have difficulty conceiving. I thought that God had worked His miracle and then it all fell apart. I know my husband grieves in his own way, but I feel like he can just pick up and move on from this so much easier than I can…he keeps saying “it’s okay, God will bring us another baby”. I don’t want just another baby, I want THIS baby! I know that he means well and is trying to console me, but it is just terribly difficult. I am sorry for rambling; it is just so fresh and painful right now.
     
  2. Lexy7200

    Lexy7200 Well-Known Member

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    Im so sorry for your loss, i know it doesnt feel like it now but time really is a healer and you will get lots of support on here everyone is amazing and we all help each other through these tough times xx
     
  3. Tulip

    Tulip Ruby <i>, Dils, Rowan

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    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You are right to be angry with what life has thrown at you, but you made exactly the right decision. Nothing in the world could have saved your poor baby, but he or she will now watch over you and your next pregnancy.

    The men, they try so hard to care for us through our pain but they're scared because no matter how hard they try they can't go through what our bodies are doing to us.

    Time will help you heal xx
     
  4. KimmyB

    KimmyB Well-Known Member

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    So sorry for what you're going through. I just wanted to say please don't beat yourself up for taking the methotrexate shot, there is no doubt that it has saved your life. I can relate as I was in the same position 2 months ago and took the shot, but thats another story.
    Please don't be angry at yourself,this was not your fault. The ladies on here will give you all the advice you need. I know nothing can make you feel better at this moment in time and this is a massive cliche but...Time is a healer and I can vouch for that.
    My thoughts are with you,
    x
     
  5. fluffyblue

    fluffyblue Loving being mommy

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    Aww hun having just had an ectopic in November and also taken the Methotrexate I can totally understand your feelings.

    All I can say is life does move on, you never forget but the pain gets easier and if you can I strongly recommend the injection as I also worried about my tubes etc.

    All the best hunni xxxx
     
  6. dixiegal

    dixiegal Active Member

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    bbb I am going through a similar situation right now except my levels are creeping up instead of dropping. Even with the rise in numbers I have been told that my womb is empty so this pregnancy, wherever it is growing, isn't "viable".
    The only way I am coping with it is to grieve that my baby was lost during the bleeding, even if this isn't "medically" or "factually" accurate.
    guilt is a natural reaction for all of us going through this but in my opinion you can't feel guilty for taking the methotrexate. As horrible as it feels to acknowledge, this baby just hasn't made it far enough but your future babies will because of the brave step you took to take that shot and save your body from further harm.

    I hope this has helped and not hindered you in anyway and I'm sorry if I have spoken out of turn.

    I send you lots of love and know you are not the only one going through this right now

    xx
     
  7. smidgen

    smidgen Mummy 2 Finlay & 4 angels

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    i am so sorry to hear of your loss, you'll be in my prayers tonight. got a lot of praying to do tonight as going in for d & c tomorrow as have had a mmc :hugs:
     
  8. bbb2009

    bbb2009 WTT after ectopic

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    I will also keep you in my prayers. I can't imagine what tomorrow will be like for you and I am so sorry!
     
  9. bbb2009

    bbb2009 WTT after ectopic

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    Thank you all for such kind words. They truly help in the healing. I feel like you girls are the only ones that can actually understand what I am feeling and I am so glad that I can have you all to talk to. Your replies mean so much and make me feel like it will get better one day and I'm not alone in this mess! Thank you so much! I pray for each of you, also...wherever you are right now in your journey. I know that time heals all wounds....I just can't help wishing that I had a time machine!
     
  10. bbb2009

    bbb2009 WTT after ectopic

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    My thoughts are with you now. I know how hard it is to wait and have no answers and not know what is going on with your body or your baby. I felt the same as you did. I just wanted to plant myself in the doctor's office/ER until someone gave me a clear answer as to what was going on. I pray that this gets easier for you.
     
  11. Drazic<3

    Drazic<3 You got the love <3

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    Im so sorry for your loss :hugs:
     
  12. alibaba24

    alibaba24 Well-Known Member

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  13. bbb2009

    bbb2009 WTT after ectopic

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    thank you so much! i just ready your experience and i'm sorry for your losses, but so happy that you are well on your way to seeing your little girl! you have given me such hope that i will one day be in your shoes! i was told the same statistics about the chances of becoming pregnant and the chances of it being another ectopic pregnancy. i am so scared of being pregnant again to go through the loss all over....i have to wait at least 2 full cycles before trying to conceive again because i was given the methotrexate. so, i guess i have time to try to deal with the fear, as we won't be trying until late feb / early march. thank you for taking the time to reply and share your story...it really has given me hope!
     
  14. hannah76

    hannah76 Well-Known Member

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    so sorry for your loss and the agony you went through in coming to your decision... sounds like you did the right thing for your health and for your future babies. take care x x x
     
  15. Liz2

    Liz2 Well-Known Member

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    I am so sorry for your loss :hugs: My thoughts are with you as I know this is hard to go through. :hugs:
     
  16. 2016

    2016 Mummy and Preggo with #2!

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    I am sorry you had to go through this. I found out about my ectopic while on holiday in September. I also had a cyst on my left ovary which was bleeding internally so they had to do keyhole surgery on my ovary and tube to remove my little angel. I know how you feel. I was so angry and felt like I had made the decision for them to take my baby away....:cry:
    Just take each day as it comes and you will, hopefully, feel a little bit better every day.
    x
     
  17. kelly2903

    kelly2903 mum2princess an expectin

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    so sorry for your loss hun xxxx hugs xxxxx
     
  18. bbb2009

    bbb2009 WTT after ectopic

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    thank you so much! i know when i think about it realistically, my baby would have not been able to survive regardless....but, it is such an awful feeling to think that you helped in any way. i know that it will get easier for me to deal with in time. i wish i could fast forward 6 months! thanks for sharing your story a bit. it really helps to hear from others that have been there.:hugs:
     
  19. Olivia2

    Olivia2 Well-Known Member

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    bbb2009 I am sorry to hear about what you have been through and the loss of your little angel. I myself have been through a similar experience and it really is devastating. Still 4months on I am completely heartbroken. I too considered myself a Christian woman but since this ordeal I must say I have completely turned away from God (for now) I still feel angry that we had trouble ttc and when we did we m/c and then 3months later had the ectopic pregnancy which also showed what our problem was for the past 12months and why we couldn't concieve. I still haven't been back to my Church and even the pastor asked why and I denied why I haven't been back. I will go back before long and I know I have to inorder to move on but I just wanted to say don't push yourself and its very normal to feel cranky with what you feel God has dealt you.
    I wish you a speedy recovery and when you do ttc again your baby comes to you quickly safe and sound.
     
  20. fluffyblue

    fluffyblue Loving being mommy

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    How you doing hunni xxx
     

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