Men & Sex *Sigh* (poss tmi)

[GreyGirl]

I don't have anyone in the real world to rant to as we keep our sex life private...but as this is anonymous I need to vent!
We didn't have sex until we got married (for religious reasons) and even since our honeymoon I've noticed a big difference in our drives. I don't know if it's PCOS or just me, but I have (had) a bigger drive than him. It's sadly taken a dive due to repeated rejection by DH.
I have never once turned him down (mainly because I'm just grateful) but I have been turned down, a lot. I have a less than 50% success rate I'd reckon.
I've been tracking our frequency on and off on ff and once every six-eight weeks is about average, whereas I'd like it 3-4 times a week. I've tried dressing up (he finds it forced), being suggestive, flirting, cuddling, kissing, everything I can think of, including outright asking for it! All of those can be hit and miss. My confidence is really low as it is and this doesn't help, I feel ugly and undesirable. I've lost 2.5 stone and feel as bad about myself as ever
The first month we started ttc this time (2 cycles ago) he was amazing. He'd initiate every couple of days and we did some every day after opk. I thought I'd finally cracked it! It was lovely to feel like he was wanting it as much as me....then I didn't get pregnant and the next month I couldn't get him in the sack at all around o time, we had sex less than half the times of the month before.
I know he wants a baby, he's as broody as me, but why won't be put out?! I know he's tired (he's always tired/ill) but I'm already struggling with anxiety over being infertile again (we were ltttc). We agreed that we'd dtd every other day as the window approached and I'd tell him when that was and he's initiate....I just told him we were coming up to the window and he's said he doesn't want it to be like a military operation?! What am I supposed to do then? He doesn't want me to initiate, doesn't want it to be planned, but if I relied on his libido we'd have 1 shot every 6 weeks....arghh!!!!

Anyone else have a similar situation? Any tips please? It's really getting me down as I feel like we're going to waste another month...

 

[momNatasha]

this is really weird. I know men are so demanding and want it much more than we do. well, does your dh have an erection problems? it might be that he has a serious medical issue or health problem that prevents erection and he might be unwilling to let you know. if not, then (I just don't want to sound unpleasant) I think he might have another woman???!!!! men really cannot go on a week without doing it. an average man needs to have sex 2 to 3 times a week. how old is he? how long have you been married?

 

[GreyGirl]

this is really weird. I know men are so demanding and want it much more than we do. well, does your dh have an erection problems? it might be that he has a serious medical issue or health problem that prevents erection and he might be unwilling to let you know. if not, then (I just don't want to sound unpleasant) I think he might have another woman???!!!! men really cannot go on a week without doing it. an average man needs to have sex 2 to 3 times a week. how old is he? how long have you been married?

Thanks for your reply. He has no physical problems in that area. He is tired/ill a lot and so that's probably something to do with it. We are both 29 and have been married for 5 years. I do not suspect an affair at all.
Surely there are many men out there who don't 'need' to have sex that often who are still faithful? I thought mens libidos varied just like ours do?

 

[CrystalJMM]

My fiance' is the same way. He has no problems getting an erection (he does have issues finishing sometimes but never starting). He could take or leave sex 99% of the time. He'd be happy doing it once a month if we weren't trying to conceive and I felt the same way as you a lot of the time. Rejected and unattractive.....some men just lower libido than others. I truly think it's low testosterone but my fiance' disagrees.....everyone is different. Just try not to let it get you down. And tell him if he wants a child then he's going to have to work with you.

 

[momNatasha]

yes not all men desire it that much, but to say once in 6 or more weeks this looks somehow odd. is it how he used to be in the first couple of years when you got married?

 

[GreyGirl]

My fiance' is the same way. He has no problems getting an erection (he does have issues finishing sometimes but never starting). He could take or leave sex 99% of the time. He'd be happy doing it once a month if we weren't trying to conceive and I felt the same way as you a lot of the time. Rejected and unattractive.....some men just lower libido than others. I truly think it's low testosterone but my fiance' disagrees.....everyone is different. Just try not to let it get you down. And tell him if he wants a child then he's going to have to work with you.

Thank you It's good to hear from someone else with a similar situation. It does suck being rejected doesn't it? I thought low testosterone too, but hubby doesn't want to go to the drs, I've asked before. I've tried saying similar things, tried everything angle I can think of, but I think it comes off as nagging/pressure which of course makes it even less frequent...meh.

yes not all men desire it that much, but to say once in 6 or more weeks this looks somehow odd. is it how he used to be in the first couple of years when you got married? I don't think this might help you but to tell you my husband wants it every other day, and at times daily. well if you're suffering or not happy or satisfied, you might ask for a divorce or else you'll need to have a bf who would make you sexually satisfied..maybe then your husband would wake up and get alerted. you should really give it a try

It was more frequent when we were first married, but it's pretty typical that I want it more than him. I don't want to divorce him because he's a fantastic husband and father and I love him, he's my best friend. Sex isn't everything in a marriage. Are you suggesting I cheat to get satisfied?! Would you suggest a man ask for a divorce or cheat if their wife only wanted sex every six weeks and they wanted it more often?

 

[kits]

It's very common for men to have a low libido, seriously. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong but there are different treatments you may want to research.

In fact I'm quickly approaching my O & was just ranting about this on another thread.

I haven't exactly tried any nor do I know enough to advice you properly but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that there may be solutions for you. I'm lucky enough that I'm able to talk to my OH about it, he's compassionate & willing so we're able to DTD at least when we need to whether it's successful or not.

Good luck & remember you're not alone!

 

[MissB1979]

Is he depressed at all? Depression is a serious libido killer.

 

[momNatasha]

you're left with one choice, convincing your dh go see a dr..it might take some time, but at last he'll give up and book an appointment with a dr. there are some vitamins and medicines that would help get him aroused and make a difference in your sexual relation...now the tough job is getting your dh see a dr asap.

 

[GreyGirl]

It's very common for men to have a low libido, seriously. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong but there are different treatments you may want to research.

In fact I'm quickly approaching my O & was just ranting about this on another thread.

I haven't exactly tried any nor do I know enough to advice you properly but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that there may be solutions for you. I'm lucky enough that I'm able to talk to my OH about it, he's compassionate & willing so we're able to DTD at least when we need to whether it's successful or not.

Good luck & remember you're not alone!

Thank you It's the first time I've 'talked' about it as it's a really personal thing for us. But I've been dealing with it on and off for all of our married life. I'm tired of feeling so ugly and unloved. I'm glad your husband is able to talk to you about it, mine is quite clam-like on the topic generally.

Is he depressed at all? Depression is a serious libido killer.

I'm starting to think he might be, he's tired all the time and can sleep 10 hours and naps a lot in the evenings.

I'm really sorry hun if ive made you upset, I just wanted to help. for some having a boyfriend when husband is not doing it right is something totally normal, though I don't think I might do it one day if my husband (for some reason) turned like yours. THEREFORE, you're left with one choice, convincing your dh go see a dr..it might take some time, but at last he'll give up and book an appointment with a dr. there are some vitamins and medicines that would help get him aroused and make a difference in your sexual relation...now the tough job is getting your dh see a dr asap.

You haven't upset me, I just wasn't sure what you meant I couldn't do that as my religion is very strict on chastity and sex. I've tried getting him to the dr about it before, he won't go. I'm at a loss as to where to go from here.

 

[Wish4another1]

My husband is the same - been rejected many times and it is horrible - even rejected laying in bed naked!!!! Ugh...
The one thing that has helped my DH is fertilaid - even taking one pill a day helps my guys engine turn up a notch - and the recommended dosage is three a day... But I do have problems with him just taking it!!! But when he does he says he notices a difference... Good luck and many to you!!

 

[CrystalJMM]

Sounds like we all need to get some fertilaid and force feed it to our spouses. Haha

 

[Katy Bug]

The rejection for me happened after my son's birth. We got into it again, then it just kinda took a dive. Like you, I was the only one initiating. It got really annoying, and I know he doesn't have a low sex drive, and I know that through all the rejection that he didn't reject the porn. I don't care if he watches porn, hell I watch it, but if you pick porn over me I have a problem. He's been initiating a lot more lately, probably because we're not preventing.

Honestly, though, six to eight weeks?? If it were me I'd find a way to make him jealous. Go pamper yourself, buy some new clothes, and go out with friends without him. See if he notices. Otherwise it's something you two should communicate.

 

[Sunshine14]

Feel for you hun, especially after you lost so much weight you should be feeling fabulous with yourself!! I know it is a very difficult sensitive situation but if it was me I would take him out for dinner and discuss it with him. I would explain in a non confrontational way that there is an issue and his approach to sex is making me feel sad / unhappy / unattractive and say things cannot continue and ask him how you both can improve things? He will either withdraw or he may open up a bit but at least you will have started a discussion with him and he will know how you are feeling. If ultimatley (after repeated attempts by you of trying to discuss it, seduce him, etc, etc, etc) he is not prepared to discuss it and keeps shutting you down you have to decide do you want to live with that situtation long term -- I know you said he is a good dad, father and your best friend so hopefully he will listen to you and how you are feeling and you will be able to figure it out together! Good luck and fingers xd for you hun x

 

[Sophina]

Hi GreyGirl, I so know where you're coming from. BF has a lower sex drive than me too, though not as low as your husband's seems to be. If he had his way, he likes it about 2-3 times a month. I like it about 3 times a week. So, uh, yeah, that's not the best balance.

In my situation, I just try to handle it as best I can, but I don't hesitate to (uh, tmi alert) take care of things myself if I need to either. I'm not sure if your religion is ok with that or not which might make things harder for you. And of course, there's the little fact that nobody ever got their BFP with a vibrator...

All you can really do is talk to him. I hope things work out for you.

 

[laodicean]

I could have written this! Not quite word for word, but close to.

When we first got together the sex was amazing and usually every day when we were together. Then I got pregnant accidentally - things continued to be wonderful… and then I miscarried.

My OH points to that as being the start of his problem. He came to associate sex and the risk of pregnancy with me being incredibly depressed after our loss. I didn't notice at first because we started trying again immediately after I miscarried, and sex was dictated according to whether I was fertile or not. Since I had really short cycles (23/24 days) I was more or less always fertile. When I got pregnant with J, we didn't have sex for the first trimester because we were both scared to hurt the pregnancy. After the first trimester I mostly felt too ill or too knackered to do anything, but that's when I started noticing that when I was up for it, he wasn't. And then the first three months after having a baby… well, we were too knackered, to be frank. But since then… well, I've been rejected more times than is healthy for one's self-esteem.

There have been a lot of arguments about it since before he admitted everything to me. I notice you've had an ectopic - may be your fella is having similar issues to mine? Watching the woman you love got through heartache and pain (and in your case, risking her life) because of something you've "done" can be a lot for a person.

It may be worth going to Relate, or other relationship counselling. It's normal for one person in a relationship to have a higher sex drive than the other, but if it's to the point that it makes the person with the higher sex drive feel bad about themselves, then that's not fair to either of you.

BTW, I love your profile picture - always good to see another babywearer out there

 

[BearFamily]

Getting an unwilling man to the doctor is like trying to get a water fearing cat into a bathtub; it's almost impossible and you get pretty hurt in the process.
Like someone else says, he sounds depressed. He needs to go see a doctor and probably a councellor of some sort to get himself sorted. It is not healthy for either gender to not want to participate in sex at least once a week. Even those with a natural low libido should be able to do it at least once a week. Anything less is a health problem.

Does your partner work 12 hours in a labour intensive job? You said he's ill; is it digestive issues?

 

[sweetcee]

You are not alone! My sister has ranted to me about the same thing many times. Our family was very strict about chastity before marriage and she and her DH waited until they were married. That was 3 years ago. Now she feels very much the same as you. Her DH is depressed and sleeps a lot. She is in the mood to DTD far more frequently than he is. All I can say to her, and to you is try to remember that it isn't you. Men's libidos are not always higher than ours. My DH wants to DTD less often than I do as well. Most importantly, you are not alone!

 

[MnGmakes3]

I'd like to chime in. My H also has a low libido. Another poster said he has no issues starting but finishing can be a little depressing. I tried EVERYTHING I can think of..finally (keeping the story short here) we found he might have a form of ED, however it's all in his head..not his penis, therefore we are unable to DTD as often as we want.

I'm not suggesting that this is your issue, as you didn't state any past problems, but you're definitely not alone.
My H usually wants to, but the frustration and impending disappointment that happens (sometimes) usually ends and a lack of DTD.
Is it possible his libido is not as high as you both once thought and he doesn't know how to tell you?

 

[AuntieKate]

I feel for you! We've been going through this for the past two years. My husband's libido is directly impacted by the stress at his job. When he's on vacation, the sex is much better and more frequent... when he's back to the grind and stressed out, the sex dwindles again. I've talked to him about it several times. We're both aware of it and try to take steps to reduce his stress (i.e., eating well, exercising, participating in hobbies/sports together) and allow things to happen naturally. I realize it's not always that easy! I hope you're able to find the root of the problem and take steps to make things better! Best of luck