Hi ladies
Well, I have just finished dinner. I didn't eat all day except for the salad that my new employers fed me. The dinner I made was a Stouffer's meal, 2 of them to be exact as I was ravenous. I should have just eaten one!
Fat cow that I am. Anyway, for the first time in MANY years, I want to purge myself of the dinner I just ate.
I'd love to say I hae no idea where these eating disorder thoughts are coming from but I know exactly where it's coming from. I'm stressed about my new job, afraid that I'm too inadequate to handle the job and that I'll be a major disappointment to my family. Add that to the fact that I am, for the first time in my life, considerably overweight, I have a law suit pending against my former employer, worried about my fertility, our finances, and yeah I think that's it, it's no wonder my eating disorder is being triggered. I haven't had this much stress in quite a very long time AND I have no therapy atm.
Truth be told, the eating disorder thoughts and actions have been around for at least 3 weeks now. It started with depression (as it always does, my depression always leads to my eating disorder) I don't want to eat, eating only about 1 or 2 meals during the day. When I started exercising (doing laps in the pool), I had this strong sense of not being able to stop. 25 laps turned into 50, 50 turned into 60, until I eventually forced myself to stop at 64. But then, all of a sudden, I started doing jumping jacks as soon as I got out of the pool. I got through 50 before I had no breath and realized I needed to stop.
DH wants to know EVERYTHING I'm going through. If I'm depressed, he wants to know, he always says that it's important for him, me and us to know what each other is going through at all times. But what do I say, "Hey hunni, I really want to puke up my dinner, let's have sex."
I've already caused him so much worry, I don't want to add more mix to the batter.
I'll be ok tonight. The dinner will stay put and DH is on his way home. But that strong feeling of wanting to purge just kinda through me off guard....ALOT!! So, I just needed to write things out.
The last few days have been really crappy. The problem is, DH and I are both bipolar, so two bipolar people in a relationship, sometimes its hard to keep it together. Mine acts up more than his does, but the last few days he has been having "episodes" with his bipolar and really hurt my feelings with some of the stuff he said and did....didn't help that we had just gone through a hard time with me finding out that he lied to me, now this...its fine now, but it was hard. I guess because he really doesn't have those "episodes" as much, I don't realize how I must act when I do. It was hard to have to think back and see that there were probably plenty of times that I hurt his feelings or was mean to him and didn't even realize it...just thought I would share my revelation with you ladies. Hope everyone is well...
xxx
