Message fo PALLYD

[dancareoi]

I thought I would send this a new thread as I wasn`t sure if you would have seen it on another post.
Pallyd,i`m glad you liked the poem.
I have read your other post and am truly sorry for your loss. your story broke my heart.
I had early MMC july 09 and 2 weeks ago `gave birth` to my LO - I thought I was 17 weeks, but LO had died about 3 weeks before.
It was bad enough knowing i had to give birth to my LO who had already passed away, but it broke my heart to know your LO was still fighting to the end
I think Hope is a beautiful name.
We had our LO service last monday, it was the worst experience of my life.There was only me and my OH and the hospital chaplain present, who took the service.
The next day, with the hospital chaplain in attendence, we laid our LO`s ashes to rest in the babies`s memorial garden at the hospital.
This last couple of weeks have been terrible, but after the final goodbye on tuesday I felt a weight had been lifted and we had some closure.
We are now starting to try and look forward. Although yesterday and today I am feeling flat again.
I have 3 other children so have to be strong in front of them because the older one in particular gets very worried when he sees me upset.
Nobody should have to go through what we and the other ladies have exprienced. As mothers or mothers to be it is the worst thing to have your baby taken away.
The poem`s words are beautiful and it comforts me to think that one day I will see both my LO`s again and it also comforts me to think they are together holding hands and looking after each other. The chaplain mentioned our other lost LO (lost at 8 weeks gestation 07/09) and said the siblings are now reunited.
I hope your LO`s service helps you to to say goodbye and gives you comfort that your little Hope is now safe and being looked after by the other Angels.
An Angel Never Dies.
Best wishes and lots of hugs. If you need to talk i am always here.

 

[Andypanda6570]

What a beautiful and thoughtful thread, Lisa .

So sorry for your loss Pally D..XOXOXOOXOXOX

 

[PallyD]

Thank you sooo much for your message. It brought tears to my eyes for the personal message and how much the ladies on the forum care. I wish I could hug you personally and hold you tight to say thank you and also I am very sorry to hear what you have been going through. Its a shame we have to meet each other in this way.

I've had a tough few days and sometimes feel like I'm going insane. I've had great support from family ever since this has happened and they have been staying with us until today. Before they were going to leave I felt so scared as I didn't know how I would cope. My husband worked from home today but is going back to the office tomorrow. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I want to be on my own and I'm running to a room to escape and then I feel I need to be around family. I'm soo tired and ask why we have to be continously tested. I don't feel I have the strength to take anymore and I don't know if I can get through the funeral. The funeral date is on the 15th and I hate that its so far away. I don't want Hope all alone in the hospital. I made a memory book today and put the photos and footprints in the book.

Thank you for sharing your story it really touched my heart and yes made me break down in tears. I wish this was a horrible nightmare and the clock could be turned back. I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense and for the very long message.

 

[Bride2b]

Pally you make perfect sense hun. Wanting to be alone to cry and sit and think is normal. But also having people around helps as sometimes they help by talking about it.

Its great that you made a memory book, its a really good way of channelling your energy into something positive & something that you can cherish. I would like to make a memory box to store Berties things in, but I've not found a box that I like enough yet.

I know how you feel with the funeral. I was absolutely dreading it & really didnt think I could go through with it. I truely thought it would kill me. I just couldnt cope with it all. Like you I also hated that my baby was alone in the hospital. I had to wait almost 4 weeks for the funeral, so I understand whats its like to be waiting for it with anticipation. What I will tell you is that the service was lovely. We chose lovely songs and a lovely poem. I coped so much better than I thought.
We only got the ashes back today (its been 9 weeks not since I lost him) and the time has just dragged waiting for closure. Initally we had problems with the hospital liason getting their finger out to arrange the funeral - which is why it took so long. We had the funeral on 23/12/11 & were told to wait 3 weeks for the call for the ashes. 4 weeks later & I still hadnt heard, so I called the funeral directors and they said they had the ashes are were sorry nobody had called! Its just been a total balls up! Now we need to arrange to get him buried with my OH dad. After this I really hope I get closure.

I hope the process is quicker for you as the waiting is horrible & its not easy to deal with emotions when there are still big milestones to reach in laying the LO to rest.

Take care xxxxx

 

[PallyD]

Thank you for your message. I'm sorry to hear the problems you had, its not what you need at such a difficult time.

I didn't realise I had to wait for the ashes to be given to us. I thought we get them on the same day as I had planned to put her ashes in our garden with red and pink rose bushes. I don't know if I could wait any longer. My head is so messed up I can't think straight anymore.

I went to see my doctor today (I hate hospitals and doctors, more so now) and she was so good to me. My doctor sat there and gave me her time and listened to me which I didn't think they do as normally they can't wait to usher you out. It helped talking to her as I had a lot of questions relating to what happened at the hospital. Its been going round and round my head that the hospital could have done more. They never told me I had an infection on the day I was admitted and never gave me any anti biotics. They just left me in the hospital bed for a couple of days before a nurse pushed them to tell us what's going on and what their plans are. We found out on the Tuesday I had an infection which had increased and therefore they now couldn't operate and try and stitch my cervix. I don't know if its my emotions making me feel somethings not right or my instincts are right and they could have done more like given me anti biotics as soon as they found out I had an infection or have done a blood test when I went to the hospital a few days before being admitted days later. I'm so confused and angry and wish I was strong enough at the time to push the doctors and get them to act a lot sooner. I just felt they didn't bother and made their mind up I'm losing baby so just to get on with getting the contractions etc. Then realsing nothings happening. Only then did they do a scan and blood test and agree that providing both were ok they would try and push the membranes back into the cervix and sew it, but it was too late coz the infection got worse. Hope was fine and kicking to the end. Sorry I know I'm making no sense.

 

[dancareoi]

Thank you for your message. I'm sorry to hear the problems you had, its not what you need at such a difficult time.

I didn't realise I had to wait for the ashes to be given to us. I thought we get them on the same day as I had planned to put her ashes in our garden with red and pink rose bushes. I don't know if I could wait any longer. My head is so messed up I can't think straight anymore.

I went to see my doctor today (I hate hospitals and doctors, more so now) and she was so good to me. My doctor sat there and gave me her time and listened to me which I didn't think they do as normally they can't wait to usher you out. It helped talking to her as I had a lot of questions relating to what happened at the hospital. Its been going round and round my head that the hospital could have done more. They never told me I had an infection on the day I was admitted and never gave me any anti biotics. They just left me in the hospital bed for a couple of days before a nurse pushed them to tell us what's going on and what their plans are. We found out on the Tuesday I had an infection which had increased and therefore they now couldn't operate and try and stitch my cervix. I don't know if its my emotions making me feel somethings not right or my instincts are right and they could have done more like given me anti biotics as soon as they found out I had an infection or have done a blood test when I went to the hospital a few days before being admitted days later. I'm so confused and angry and wish I was strong enough at the time to push the doctors and get them to act a lot sooner. I just felt they didn't bother and made their mind up I'm losing baby so just to get on with getting the contractions etc. Then realsing nothings happening. Only then did they do a scan and blood test and agree that providing both were ok they would try and push the membranes back into the cervix and sew it, but it was too late coz the infection got worse. Hope was fine and kicking to the end. Sorry I know I'm making no sense.

Hi, i know it`s hard, but don`t beat yourself up about what has happened. Maybe your doctor could shed some more light on it if you were to see here again.

We were lucky to have our funeral service 11 days after our LO was born. I was at the Alexandra Hospital in Redditch. They arranged everything for us, with the hospital chaplain and the funeral directors.
We too thought we could have the ashes the same day and scatter them at the crematorium. However, the hospital chaplain came to our home to talk throught the service and what would happen,he was so good. He explained the ashes wouldn`t be available until later in the day and would be collected by the funeral directors.
He spoke to funeral directors and got the ahses for us, so at 10.00am on tuesday morning, the day after the service, we were able to lay the ashes to rest in the babies`s memorial garden at the hospital. The chaplain took the service on the monday and also did a very small service as he buried the ashes.
I don`t know what we would have done without him. Also all of this was done free of charge as the hospital pid for everything. The funeral directors even gave me basket of flowers. Everyone has been so good to us.
i hope your service goes well and I hope this helps to give you some closure.
I am always here if you need to chat.