Mums/Moms after Recurrent Losses (MARL) - Come join us!

[tuckie27]

Davies- I pray for the best possible outcome for your bil.

Sara- thanks for the bumbo link. I'm going to buy one soon! I like the lavender color

Heart- you are super woman for completing school and raising your LO at the same time! I'm envious! I don't see myself finishing school or going back to work anytime soon. A hike sounds lovely! Aaron and I used to hike together a lot before B. We even made love at the top of a mountain near Echo Lake Now we just do a lot of trails that are ok with the stroller. I may try to get a proper carrier for hiking with her when she's a bit older.

Kat- I laughed hard at your shart comment! I did that at the hospital when i was pregnant and had that awful flu. The nurse came in and saw me looking horrified and she said 'what happened?' and I said 'For lack of a better term, I just sharted' my hubby had a real good laugh at that one! He is on his way home now! We haven't seem him in 5 days but it seems so much longer! I cant wait to see B's face when she sees him! My FIL is going to grill steaks on the BBQ and I'm going to make some kind of side dish with red potatoes and a side of steamed brussel sprouts too. I wanted to have a nice, home cooked dinner for him since he's been eating out a lot. Sorry the car ride was stressful :/ I BFd in Macy's! It's so nice when there are mother-friendly facilities. I went into Starbucks the other day to change her and they had no changing table. Frustrating. I had to change her poopy diaper in the car. That's neat that your hubby talked to Jennifer Garner

Bay went back to sleeping well last night! four hours, then woke up and I switched her to the other boob and then another 3 hour chunk and then we laid in bed awake and I bf'd her for an hour while we gazed an smiled at each other it was so sweet!

 

[tuckie27]

Melfy- she's precious! I love the one with the sunlight on her face

 

[KatM]

Melfy,
So cute.

Tuckie,
Have so much fun welcoming home your hard working man. Those damn sharts are what I believe causes Grey's butt irritation. I have to stay right on top of it or he gets tiny fissures on his anus (has happened 3 times now). Today I gave him an hour of naked time where he peed and pooped on the waterproof changer thing, LOL.

 

[hopeful23456]

...

 

[heart tree]

JODI Honey, sweetie, my dear friend... you deserve to be liked and LOVED! You are VERY special. You are a pile of chocolate kisses. I know we've already talked about your situation. You know my view on it. Let's see what others say. If you want to talk again, my ear is always available. xo

 

[heart tree]

Melfy, Zoe is gorgeous! Sleep is a thing of the past for a while I'm afraid. I miss it greatly.

Kat, good for you for getting out of the house. That too will get easier when Grey doesn't need to eat as often. I also found that car rides got easier too. I can't believe how big he is! Delilah is 15 lbs 7 oz as of today. She's super long, but very lean. Given she's a preemie and EBF for the most part, I'm not surprised she isn't gaining more, but man, you have super boob juice!

Tuckie, I get soooo mad when there aren't changing tables in bathrooms. When Tim got his shoulder surgery I took him to the doctor's office. No changing table in the bathroom and Delilah had a poop. I had to change her on the exam table and the doctor walked in. Oh well! What a lovely meal you have planned. How is it being alone with her. Some days I find it incredibly stressful. Other days I love it.

I took my hike today. It was in the 70's here. It felt like summer. The last time I did that hike, I had my ectopic in me. I knew I was pregnant and that it was probably ectopic. You can imagine my frame of mind. Today I marveled at the fact that I was thinking about my living, breathing daughter. Who, by the way, decided to take a 1 hour 40 minute nap for her morning nap and then a 2 hour 45 minute nap for her afternoon nap! WHAT??? Please let this be a new trend!

Here is a pic of my hike and a few of my girl.

https://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff419/ahartrey/baby%20bump/hike_zps44abecc9.jpg

https://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff419/ahartrey/baby%20bump/strollerhat1_zps0fa449c6.jpg

https://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff419/ahartrey/baby%20bump/sittingup_zpsa93d130c.jpg

https://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff419/ahartrey/baby%20bump/Dbumbo_zpsed4d0268.jpg

https://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff419/ahartrey/baby%20bump/hat1_zps6a279c72.jpg

 

[cazi77]

Hopeful it makes me so sad to hear how you husband is treating you! You deserve better and you deserve happyness. Sending you big

 

[sara1]

Hopeful- Unless he is open to immediate counseling and committed to working on your marriage (and from what I gather from your post, he's not) then I think you need to leave him. Or more specifically, tell him to leave the house! The things he said to you are never ok and it sounds like there is absolutely no partnership left in your marriage! I can't imagine how scared you must be with the prospect of being a single mom but I truly believe it is the best thing for you Ava and Dylan. The practical side is easier than you think because you're already doing all the work. The only thing that will change is you will no longer have so much negativity in your house and won't feel the day to day crush of resentment and sadness when he fails to be helpful or treats you poorly.
You deserve to be cherished and loved. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are an equal partner and you're beautiful children deserve to have a relationship like that modeled for them.
I know you must be scared, but I truly believe that you will be relieved when you have finally taken a step towards giving yourself what you deserve. There will come a point, and only you can decide when, that you'll know you're ready despite the fear.

I had a previous marriage. In the end it had deteriorated into a horrible miasma of dependencies, resentments and verbal and psychological abuse. I make no comparisons as I had no children and my situation was infinitely easier for it, but I want to share my experience of leaving with you. I should have known my marriage was over when one day as I begged my husband to try and work on things together he said (among other, nastier things), "I married you, that means I don't have to try anymore." Yet I stayed. For 2 more years I stayed and basically beat my head against a brick wall while I allowed my self esteem to be ground to dust because I was afraid of being alone, in a foreign country with no family. And I was afraid to acknowledge the enormity of my mistake. When I finally got up the courage to leave I was so scared of being alone. But once I'd done it all I felt was relief and empowerment.

I hope that I'm wrong, and that your husband realizes what a treasure he has in you and decides to be open to actively working on your marriage. But if that's not the case, you ARE strong enough to leave, you CAN do it on your own. More than anything you need to know that you absolutely deserve better!

I wish I could give you a hug.

 

[bumpyplease]

Hopeful your post made me really sad and teary for you. He is a bully and like Sara said you are already doing everything yourself anyway. I didn't realise he doesn't work. So you work and pay to put the twins in daycare while he sits at home playing video games? Madness. He is not a father but a selfish bully.
Maybe if he really believes you will leave him he will come to his senses and realise he can't keep treating you this way. If he doesn't then it shows how much of an AH he really is. You are so lovely and deserve so much better. We are all here for you and I'm glad you have opened up to us as I hate to think of you going through this alone. Sending the biggest hugs to you and your gorgeous children.

 

[bumpyplease]

Melfy she is so pretty! Thanks for sharing!
Heart - well done for completing the course. Love your recent pics - such a happy smiley little girl!
Tuckie enjoy your time with DH. I hope he enjoys his welcome home meal.
Kat glad you managed to get out! Sounds fun
Hi everyone else.
AFM - we had a much better night. I limited Alfie's day time naps and made the towels under his mattress a bit more sturdy so he couldn't flip about as much and it seemed to work. Bed at 7pm woke screaming at 9pm which is rare but settled easily. Then woke at 3am for a short while but self settled so I didn't even need to get out of bed and then slept until 6.45am. I feel refreshed!!

 

[Justkeeptryin]

Hi ladies, hard to try and remember everything I've just read...

Hopeful, I think your situation sounds worse than I initiallly thought, that is really not acceptable to be treated that way and I get the impression that its maybe been going on for a while and its just become a part of how things are but from an outsiders perspective it is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. For someone to try and be-little you and tell you that you are shit and all of the other negative comments...NOT ON!!

Everything that Sara has said is spot on and clearly from someone that has went trough a marriage break up. I do imagine that it is the scariest thing ever but as you've said you do all of teh practical work and your the only one that works and he treats you like crap and plays video games! That isnt a partnership or a real relationship. I think you should start thinking seriously about leaving and even speak with your family despite them not being close by, things cannot continue the way they are going for you.


Heart, I loved the pics of Delilah she is such a doll, so happy and smiley, for her weight that you mentioned she looks absolutely in proportion and healthy. Glad you enjoyed your hike, sounds like a great day, and well done you for getting on with a course as well as motherhood, cant be easy.

Tuckie, you will be super excited about your hubby getting home, it will be nice to see Bay's reaction to him.
Oh and I think my baby is the only one that hates the bumbo chair, she only tolerates it for 5v mins but will sit for hours in her bouncy chair.

Melfy, gorgeous pics of Zoe, what a beautiful little girl!

Bumpy, it sounds like you had a slightly better night with Alfie may it continue! Emelia woke up at 5.45 this morning and I thought whats going on! She always sleeps until 7 or 8, managed to get her to fall back asleep until 6.30 and then fed her and took her back into bed with me.

 

[tuckie27]

Hopeful- I was in the middle of writing you a response last night and I got side tracked with B but I basically wrote the exact same thing as Sara: unless he wholeheartedly wants to redeem himself with serious therapy and change, you need to leave. Abusive types seldom change and I dont want to see you and your beautiful, innocent babies to get stuck with this. I'm so sorry that your husband speaks to you so cruely but do you want the twins to hear stuff like that when they get old enough to understand? Divorce is hard and so much harder with children. It will be emotional & maybe even ugly at times but this is not the kind of relationship you want the twins modeling after. I can tell you first hand as someone who grew up with a dad that was verbally and emotionally abusive, we grew up frightened, insecure, & confused. I've asked my mom why she stayed and she said for us and I told her we would've been better off had she left sooner. My brother has been battling addiction his whole life and my sister is depressed, emotional, overweight, and unmotivated. I wonder how things might have turned out different for them if she'd gotten away from him earlier. I dealt with the dysfuction by trying to be responsible and studious but it gave me a lot of control and trust issues. We had every other weekend with him and he still pulled his abusive crap but at least we were with her 90% of the time. My mom also said she was naive and believed him when he'd promise he was gonna change and i think she was scared of him too because he was violent when he drank too much. I just wanted to share my experience. I already told you I've been through divorce too. It's always hard but you will feel a huge weight off your shoulders when you finally put this relationship behind you and move forward with your life. That's just my take. We are all here for you! You are am amazing woman that deserves unconditional love and respect.

Heart- that trail looks lovely and peaceful. I love the pics of D in her owl hat glad you share my rage for places without changing tables!

:wave: Just, Sara, Kat, Bumpy :wave:

OH got home and Bay was all smiles when she saw her daddy! It was really sweet. Dinner was great but she had terrible sleep all night again I sent OH to the couch so he could get some sleep since he's been working so hard.

 

[KatM]

Hopeful,

So sorry you are going through this. I echo all that was previously written. I am pro-marriage, but not if it is detrimental to one's well-being. To me marriage=partnership, so anything less than that is not a true marriage. I'm not so much concerned by a one off fight here or there, but this seems to be his prevalent interaction with you. You deserve to have someone that is on your side, your teammate, and best friend. I do believe that spouses should be each other's soft place to fall. Sadly, this is often not the case.

I have previously admitted calling DH asshole, stupid or idiot on the rare occasion. This behavior is not acceptable, but in our case it is very rare. Maybe 1 negative interaction to 10,000 positive ones or less. Despite me being fiery, we only have a major blowout about 1-2 times a year where cursing or name calling comes into play. The rest of the time I say we fought, it is more like we were annoyed/hostile. My point is that all relationships have friction, but it should not be the predominant flavor of the relationship. I remember Oprah saying, "Love should not hurt". I did not get it then (since I was used to it hurting), but now that I am married to DH, I understand exactly what she is saying.

Like Sara and Tuckie, I was in a LT relationship to a man I was engaged to and living with for many years. I knew it was not working, but was afraid to start over after years together. We went to three different couple's counselors and things did not get better. He was a narcissistic, passive-aggressive passing himself off as sensitive and spiritual. When we finally ended our engagement, I packed my bags and moved to Austin 2 weeks later. I met and married DH within 6 months of that move. I am not even thinking that you would want to marry again anytime soon, I am just saying that there is a better life for you than the one you are currently living.

Like others said, you are doing everything on your own. Having him not there most likely will be a relief since you won't have his negative BS towards you. I don't imagine leaving will be easy, nor will deciding custody... BUT living with abuse and having your children live it is worse. I grew up with my abusive dad (mental, emotional and physical) and it was awful. I went through years of therapy, eventually studying to become one, and like Tuckie, have control and trust issues.

I don't know if your AH has ever laid a hand on you, but please be mindful of this. Men tend to get the most violent when they know they have lost their woman. I am not trying to scare you. I am just wanting you to be prepared that mental/emotional abuse can cross lines over into physical abuse if it has not already, so you can keep yourself safe.

Can you take a leave from work and move in with your BFF for the time being? Can you transfer work? Staying in an isolated environment for the sake of a job is not worth it. I don't know what things are like with your family, but maybe that is also an option. It is a tough call, but things need to change for your sanity. Plus you don't want your boy growing up into an abuser and your girl marrying one.

I'm so sorry hon. I hope he will realize what an ass he is being, but it does not seem like it.

 

[heart tree]

Jodi, the ladies echo what you and I have discussed. I'm so grateful for all of the advice and words they've given you. I agree with everything they have said to you. I hope you are ok right now. I don't pretend to think that leaving him will be easy. I know there will be a custody battle. He may even get partial custody. And yes, he'll be in your life and you'll have to share the kids. But it will eventually feel soooo much better to have him out of your day to day life. If he isn't working, it might be harder for him to get partial custody wouldn't it? Doesn't he need to show that he can support them? If so, now would be the perfect time to get the ball rolling to divorce him. If he doesn't have a job, he can't lay much claim to them. Just a thought. I agree with Kat that he could escalate when he realizes you are leaving. I really think you need to talk this through with a therapist. If you want to leave, it would be helpful to work out your exit strategy with someone who is impartial. As you know, my mother worked as a social worker and counseled battered women and abusive husbands. She said one of the most dangerous times for a woman is right before she leaves. I don't know how much he would escalate, but it is worth having this information so you can make sure you and the kids are always safe. He is abusing you. Even if he never raises a hand, it is abuse. You aren't happy. The kids aren't going to benefit from you staying with him. What they will benefit from is seeing their mother take control of the situation. I truly believe deep down that you want to leave. I think you are scared about what that will mean for the future. I don't blame you for feeling scared. But nothing is going to change. I take that back, it may change, but for the worse. He isn't going to get better without counseling. He needs to work on his issues. Not couples counseling. That comes later. First, he needs to work on himself. He's not willing to from what you've told me. That's the only way there is a chance of this situation getting better. There is nothing you can say or do that is going to change him. He needs to want to change. But it seems like he isn't ready for that. That leaves you. You need to make the change. You need to dig deep and find the strength and courage to change. You need to reach out to every friend and family member you know and trust for support. You don't need to do this alone. You need help. Ask people who love you for help. Talk to a therapist. Put one foot in front of the other. This doesn't need to be solved tomorrow. It will take some time. Pick up a phone and reach out for some support. That's the first step. It will start to unfold from there and your path will become more clear. Right now it is muddy. It must feel impossible to decide what to do when you can't see. I imagine you must feel stuck. So just try and take one small step towards a change and see what comes of it. We're all here to support you.

I hope this doesn't feel like bullying. I obviously haven't walked in your shoes. I can only tell you what I think you should do from an outside perspective. Whatever you do, I'm here for you.

 

[heart tree]

I hope each and everyone of you has a lovely, restful night of sleep tonight. We all deserve it.

 

[x_Rainbow_x]

Hey lovelies how are all of you and your gorgeous babies?

We are good here, Isabella is growing fast and getting very cheeky and naughty at times. Far to clever for her own good. Terrible twos come early.
OH and I are discussing having another

Xxxx

 

[croydongirl]

Tracie - They grow up so fast, don't they? Levi is almost 7 months and starting to move and chatter, he just started saying da da and mama, even though he is not directing them at anyone, it feels like he is starting to find his voice and opinion. I can imagine that the days of discipline and tantrums are not too far into our future! haha! Number 2?!!!! Exciting!!

Hopeful - I echo all the great advice and wisdom shared lready. Ihave no personal experience to draw from but we have known each other in this capacity for over a year now and in that time you have been so strong. You carried your beauiful babies, dealt with caring for them wheil they were so tiny in the hospital and then you brought them home. You work so hard to support your family all while being the best mommy too, you are an amazing, strong, beautiful persona and you deserve someone who knows how special you are and how blessed he is to be in your life. It doesn't sound lie you oh gets that at all...or at least he has forgotten it. I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is modellnig true and good relationships to them. It gives them security and shows them what to aim for in their own lives. It doesn't mean that we should be perfect, but showing respect, and conflict resolution as well as love is important. I'm so sorry that this is on your plate. I know you will make the decision that is right for your family. I hope you can reach out to your mom or someone else who can be a listening ear and could offer you some practical help. Having a strong support system in place seems like an important piece of the puzzle. Hugs to you today xx

Amanda - That hike looked beautiful. I cant wait to get out in our beautiful mountains with Levi this spring and summer. D is getting cuter and cuter! Well done with finishing your classes. I have a couple of more weeks in this quarter and I have signed up for another for next quarter. After that its only the dreaded math test and class I sometimes resentful about the time i perceive it takes away from my family but I trust when I have this AA I will feel like its been worth it. Good luck with studying for you test, I know you'll rock it!

Tucie - Glad hubs is home safe and sound. I am sure that Bay loved having him home. How long is he home for? Hope you get some good family time.

We had an ok night last night, but Levi is fussing already. i guess its time for his first nap. Good thing too after he refused to nap most of the day yesterday!! Happy monday ladies!

 

[hoping:)]

Davies- How scary about your BIL. I’m so sorry you and your family have to go through this. I hope he starts doing better and pulls through like the other 90%.

Bumpy- I hope your excellent sleeper is back. We get a bad night with Penny every once in a while too.

Sara- good luck with the 30 day shred!

Fili- good for you dropping 1.5 stone!

Amanda- It’s so awesome you are done with your classes and only need to take the exams. Your hike looks beautiful and that little Delilah is just gorgeous! I love her rosy cheeks.

Kat- I’m glad you got the chance to go out. I hope it gets less and less stressful the more you do it. I started taking Penny out every where by the time she was a week old. When I ask her if she wants to go bye-bye or on an adventure she says “yeah, yeah!” Our issue now is that she always wants to walk and has to explore everything. This leads to me doing a lot of baby chasing.

Melfy- Zoe is precious! Thanks for sharing pictures.

Tuckie-How sweet Bay only had smiles for her daddy. I hope the sleep issue corrects itself.

Hopeful- that is just awful. I completely agree with what the other girls have said and can’t say it any better. You don’t deserve the abuse you are receiving. Your babies need their mommy to be healthy AND happy. I hope you find the strength and courage to make a positive life change and just know that we are all here supporting you. You deserve to find true happiness with a person who will cherish you for who you are.

Tracie- so you have a sassy little one too? it must be a girl thing. Good luck with #2

Croy- I hope your little guy participates in nap time

AFM- The mustache and bow tie party was so much fun! Penny got to eat a cup cake, jump in a bounce house, scavenger for candy (for her daddy) and played pin the mustache on the baby. Yesterday she had her last baby dolphin class and mastered going under water. We also took her to the zoo and celebrated Dr. Seuss’ birthday with green eggs (eggs with chopped spinach) and ham breakfast burritos with a fox and Tim read us the story before bed time.

 

[KatM]

Love all the pics.

Melfy,
She is so cute.

Heart,
Absolutely adorable. Her body looks perfect to me. Similar to Grey's without the additional rolls. For instance D does not have a forearm roll, while Grey does. She also seems to have 1 chin. Grey certainly does not.

Hoping,
So cute. You did a fantastic job with the mustaches.
Grey and I had to stay in the hospital longer due to infection. The dr said do not go out for 2 months. I listened.

 

[melfy77]

Hope: OMG your story makes me so sad and so angry at the same time!!!! How can someone be so cruel. You`re an amazing person and wonderful mom!! Don`t let anyone tell you otherwise. HE is the silent pile of sh*t. No one should have to go through this. Like the others said, as hard as it may be, I think the best for you and your children is to leave, well make him leave. You really don't have a friend who could come over and help you? If I didn't live on the other side of the ocean I would go!! You, Ava and Dylan, you deserve so much more than this. So unfair!!!

Hoping: She is so cute!!!

Fili: congrats on the weight progress

Even with the bottles, Zoe is still very fussy and gassy. It seems so painful She even throws up every once in a while when we feed her formula or a mix of breastmilk and formula. I'm starting to think maybe the formula is to blame...I left a message to my ped but she's on vacation for the week. Maybe I should try to give her only breastmilk for a week and see what happens? Any ideas for the formula? She's on Nestle Good Start (regular one) She barely slept last night, and DH was amazing and took care of her. Tonight it's my turn, I bought some popcorn and good thing we have movies and netflix, have a feeling I might need it