Hello everyone
My beautiful baby Nia went to the angels on Wednesday evening, 27 August, 2008 after a very courageous 6 week fight.
As mentioned before, Nia was born at 23+6 weeks gestation weighing 650 grams. I went into labour very unexpectedly following a somewhat stressful pregnancy…with bleeding, numerous degenerating fibroids, and group B strep which the consultant thinks was responsible for the my baby’s premature arrival.
The journey has been full of many ups and downs. It was a case of taking it day by day, sometimes, hour by hour. Going to the ICU is scary even if you have spoken to the nurse/Doctor an hour ago…you never know what to expect when you walk in those doors. My tummy was constantly in knots. This is a roller coaster that I would never wish on anyone. I have dreams of the sounds of the machines in the unit, also of the saturation levels etc
However, we were secretly hoping that she was going to make it. After all, she had fought of numerous infection including Candida sepsis and fungal meningitis…things had started to look promising, she was over 1kg and appeared to be going in the right direction. On the Tuesday before, she was taken out for a lovely 2 hour cuddle with me. Her vital signs were good, she was stable, staring at me with large loving eyes, and she was infection free it appeared. My heart melted and my mind started working overtime, thinking about all the love we were going to shower her with when she got home.
Until, on Wednesday morning, my baby fell ill and was diagnosed with Necrotising Enterocolitis (NEC). She had to have emergency surgery. It was basically an ‘open and close ‘ operation as the surgeon concluded that the condition of her bowel/intestines were not compatible with life. My angel’s earth body was dying, her guts had died and the contents were coming out of her beautiful nose and mouth. There was nothing they could do to save her. To cut a long story short, we switched off the ventilator and I have now reached the bottom of the roller coaster and stopped there. I am paralysed.
I cannot comprehend what has happened. My heart has been smashed and right now I feel that I will never recover, ever…
My husband and I are DEVASTATED…we have so many questions….could we have done more? Was I too old to carry a baby at 37? ( We had our first son 18 years ago when we were very young. Pregnancy was non eventful and my son was born at term weighing 9 IB 13. My son has been raised as an only child and is perfect, off to Uni soon. So, we decided to wait until we were financially secure, happy in our various careers, and ready before we planned a new pregnancy. We knew the exact date our angel was conceived (just one try…sorry too much info) .We where SO excited that she was coming. This was our dream baby. And this happens……Can we EVER get over this? I even fear for my relationship as we are both so consumed with our own grief. I had never seen my husband cry until now. He can’t stop, nor can I….nor can my son who I haven’t seen cry for years…….
To detract slightly, I went see my GP today and he was v sorry but his comments were: ‘what did you really expect? Your baby was only 23+6 weeks. You’ll have another baby. Don’t worry.’ I know he was being realistic, but I felt…don’t say that, my Nia was a person who lived for 6 weeks……
My mind has gone to mush. More questions: how does one plan a baby’s funeral,?. Surely this should not be the order of events? Should be the other way round. Where do I get tiny baby clothes?, what do I dress her in?. I want her to look beautiful, what should the order of the day be? What can I put in the coffin? What happens to work as I am on maternity leave? When do I go back? What do I do with the cards and little gifts some hopeful friends and family have given me? Pictures etc etc ...enough, enough
Sorry, I am ranting a bit and I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to experience this. However, at present, I feel cheated. My prayers, and the prayers of MANY friends and family did not work. The conclusion for me is…God knows best.
I must go now but sincerely thank you all for everything, for listening to me and responding to my thread…THANK YOU
My beautiful baby Nia went to the angels on Wednesday evening, 27 August, 2008 after a very courageous 6 week fight.
As mentioned before, Nia was born at 23+6 weeks gestation weighing 650 grams. I went into labour very unexpectedly following a somewhat stressful pregnancy…with bleeding, numerous degenerating fibroids, and group B strep which the consultant thinks was responsible for the my baby’s premature arrival.
The journey has been full of many ups and downs. It was a case of taking it day by day, sometimes, hour by hour. Going to the ICU is scary even if you have spoken to the nurse/Doctor an hour ago…you never know what to expect when you walk in those doors. My tummy was constantly in knots. This is a roller coaster that I would never wish on anyone. I have dreams of the sounds of the machines in the unit, also of the saturation levels etc
However, we were secretly hoping that she was going to make it. After all, she had fought of numerous infection including Candida sepsis and fungal meningitis…things had started to look promising, she was over 1kg and appeared to be going in the right direction. On the Tuesday before, she was taken out for a lovely 2 hour cuddle with me. Her vital signs were good, she was stable, staring at me with large loving eyes, and she was infection free it appeared. My heart melted and my mind started working overtime, thinking about all the love we were going to shower her with when she got home.
Until, on Wednesday morning, my baby fell ill and was diagnosed with Necrotising Enterocolitis (NEC). She had to have emergency surgery. It was basically an ‘open and close ‘ operation as the surgeon concluded that the condition of her bowel/intestines were not compatible with life. My angel’s earth body was dying, her guts had died and the contents were coming out of her beautiful nose and mouth. There was nothing they could do to save her. To cut a long story short, we switched off the ventilator and I have now reached the bottom of the roller coaster and stopped there. I am paralysed.
I cannot comprehend what has happened. My heart has been smashed and right now I feel that I will never recover, ever…
My husband and I are DEVASTATED…we have so many questions….could we have done more? Was I too old to carry a baby at 37? ( We had our first son 18 years ago when we were very young. Pregnancy was non eventful and my son was born at term weighing 9 IB 13. My son has been raised as an only child and is perfect, off to Uni soon. So, we decided to wait until we were financially secure, happy in our various careers, and ready before we planned a new pregnancy. We knew the exact date our angel was conceived (just one try…sorry too much info) .We where SO excited that she was coming. This was our dream baby. And this happens……Can we EVER get over this? I even fear for my relationship as we are both so consumed with our own grief. I had never seen my husband cry until now. He can’t stop, nor can I….nor can my son who I haven’t seen cry for years…….
To detract slightly, I went see my GP today and he was v sorry but his comments were: ‘what did you really expect? Your baby was only 23+6 weeks. You’ll have another baby. Don’t worry.’ I know he was being realistic, but I felt…don’t say that, my Nia was a person who lived for 6 weeks……
My mind has gone to mush. More questions: how does one plan a baby’s funeral,?. Surely this should not be the order of events? Should be the other way round. Where do I get tiny baby clothes?, what do I dress her in?. I want her to look beautiful, what should the order of the day be? What can I put in the coffin? What happens to work as I am on maternity leave? When do I go back? What do I do with the cards and little gifts some hopeful friends and family have given me? Pictures etc etc ...enough, enough
Sorry, I am ranting a bit and I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to experience this. However, at present, I feel cheated. My prayers, and the prayers of MANY friends and family did not work. The conclusion for me is…God knows best.
I must go now but sincerely thank you all for everything, for listening to me and responding to my thread…THANK YOU
